i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.
That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.
I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.
No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”
Some Vulcan: we could probably just explain that handshakes are intimate in our culture
Solkar, rubbing lip gloss on his hand: don’t tell me how to do my job
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Star Trek #meta #nsfw text? #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#Godzilla #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #nsfw text? #(though I did not realise what the joke here was until I saw the addition) #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
people get so confused trying to figure out the Lois/Clark/Superman situation that somehow they come to the conclusion that Clark is cheating on Lois with Superman
I mean Lois clearly has nothing to hide, everyone from here to Krypton’s seen Superman fly her with a chaste hand around her waist. but Clark puts an awful lot of effort into making sure no one ever gets a pic of him and Superman together
what is he worried Lois will see
people shake their heads sadly every time Superman visits the Daily Planet and then Clark emerges from a closet disheveled and tucking his shirt back into his pants. but if Lois won’t see it there’s nothing they can do
When Lois finds out she thinks it’s hilarious, and when someone finally tries to ‘break it to her’, she’s all ready.
“Oh, I know.”
“You… know?”
“Neither of them would ever lie to me.”
“So… *gears frantically spinning* this is like some kind of threesome thing?”
“Oh! No, no, no, absolutely not. *Lois pauses and grins the most lascivious grin she can produce* I just… watch.”
Clark gets a lot of very weird looks that day that he can’t understand at all.
@elidyce no, no, no. don’t hide a shit-stirring bruce and chaotic lois in the tags. this is an important addition, too. just gives that finaltouch that’s dearly needed to really complete this, y’know?
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Superman #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #embarrassment squick #nsfw text? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Look, let me explain to you in real actual historical terms exactly why that stuff is important. I learned this when I was doing a rewrite of Lysistrata for my Directing class in college.
There’s a bit in the first act, first scene, where Lysistrata is convincing the women of Greece to pledge they won’t have sex until the war is over, where she says “we won’t act like the lioness on the cheese grater.” I looked through six different translations, aka “all the translations I could find,” and every single one used that phrase: “the lioness on the cheese grater.” Now some of these were very old, stuffy, let’s-pretend-this-isn’t-an-absurdist-comedy-about-anything-as-dirty-as-sex-after-all-it’s-Greek-and-thus-must-be-dignified kind of translations, but one of them had specifically been written to be as over-the-top shockingly vulgar as possible, and it still included that phrase. I was expecting it to be modified to whatever the modern name of that position was, but nope–still “we won’t fuck like whores and assume the position of the lioness on the cheese grater.”
And thus began an undignified six hours of me reading very dry academic papers and clicking all kinds of shady links trying to answer the question: what the fuck was the lioness on a cheese grater?
At the end of six hours I said “fuck it” and changed it to doggy style.
Because the answer is: we only know the phrase from the play and from a “menu of services” in a brothel. Ancient cheese graters looked more or less like modern ones, so there wasn’t really room for decorations of lions. We have no idea what it was. It was apparently in-demand enough to be worth a very pretty penny (or, er. A very pretty drachma, as it were), but no records outside the play and that single menu exist. There’s even the possibility it was put on the menu as a joke in reference to the play, and that it means nothing at all.
So: am I saying your random anime PWP could theoretically someday be the only remaining record of the word “bishounen” being used in Latinized form?
Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Far enough into the future that most of our records have been lost, when the world looks unimaginably different, your random-ass porn could be something historians use to say “hm. The fact that these letters made these sounds, and these kanji made these sounds, and the word here is being used in a similar way to how it’s used when written in kanji…we’re pretty sure this is evidence there was literary communication between English-speaking countries and Japan.”
Or, put another way: nobody’s ever gonna forget covid. But will they remember that slender young men with shaggy hair were considered desirable in the 2010s? That is something that will be of interest to some future historian. I assure you, people have been handwringing over the goddamn lioness on the cheese grater for over two thousand fucking years. Yes, there is a place in history for your smut.
And I will leave you with this: stripped of all pretension and the mystique granted to it by virtue of being old as balls, Lysistrata is a play whose plot is thus: “fuck this war! We, the women of Greece, are going to make ourselves as hot as fucking possible while also closing our thighs for business until the men agree to put down their weapons and stop fighting! Jesus, they won’t even send us dildos because they ‘need wood and leather for armor’–fuck that shit, seize the treasury and whip out the chastity belts, girls!” And then the entire second act is men running around wearing giant-ass fake penises, we’re talking Ron Jeremy would blush in shame here fake penises, going “let us fuck you! Please, please, pleaaaaaaase let us fuck you!” and finally agreeing to end the war so they can fuck. That’s it, that’s the play. I mean, it is wildly funny. But it’s very thin on the ground in terms of plot (and frankly has a gigantic plot hole in the form of “you’re really going to say none of these guys just said ‘fuck you’ and started boffing each other?”), and it was not written to be intellectual. It was for the Bacchanalia. It was written for a bunch of super-drunk, super-rowdy, probably-illiterate partiers who would have been walking in and out of the arena. Hardly highbrow entertainment, in other words.
…but what a loss to the world, wouldn’t it be, if all copies of it had been forever lost?
:)
i wanna remind everyone that at the time a lot of kirk/spock fic was written, in the sixties and early eventies, sodomy was illegal in most american states. kirk/spock fiction was depicting something that was obscene, immoral, and illegal. even accusing men of being homosexuals was slander, because again, sodomy was illegal, homosexuals were committing crimes, and therefore a great many industries couldn’t knowingly employ men who admitted to homosexuality or were proven to be so.
our archives of these works are incomplete, but what works that we have preserved from that time–against all contemporary consensus of its moral value!–are invaluable to the history of fandom as a whole. the fanzines and booklets preserved in odd corners and university libraries and grandma’s attic are treasures. you can analyze the way people thought at the time about love and forbidden love, the way they thought it might change in the future, the way certain fanfiction tropes and literary conventions started out way back when, the way women found each other and organized before the digital age. love, technology, cultural taboos, the past regarding the future, communication, creativity, it’s all there.
and this is a comparatively large body of work from only fifty or sixty years ago. imagine how much more precious, say, Diane Marchant’s “A Fragment Out of Time” from 1974 might be in another hundred years? how much will it tell future historians of the very real women who lived and watched TV and wrote about love to each other?
and this is fiction that depicts not just worthless smut, but reprehensible smut.
yes, fanfiction is historically significant.
yes, all of it.
My goblin self wants to save all the little paper fragments and scraps of weird smut on curling pages and stacks of folders with half-completed sketches of characters in compromising positions.
Wait. They’re… not so much paper anymore, are they.
Fine. Save the pixels. Save HTML files with names I won’t recognize next year. Save txt files with fanfic by authors whose contact info I lost in the early LJ days. Wayback the AO3 fic. Bookmark everything I ever liked even a little bit, with notes like “this is the one where blorbo has zero refractory period” or “the one where they met on a train” and like that.
Never know what I’m gonna want to reread in another five years.
…Never know what someone is going to ask about in fifteen years, “I heard there used to be a thing with soulmate words on the wrists? Has anyone seen that in Fandom X?”
I have no idea what the literary analysts of 2050 are going to think about AO3. I know that the literary analysts of 2000 were very interested in K/S zines, which were handed around under tables and you had to know someone who knew someone to even find out they existed, because, as mentioned, they were describing immoral crimes and pretending those were healthy relationships.
AO3 is not so obscure as all that. But. We don’t know what search engines will do in the future.
And a lot of people only put “the good stuff” on AO3 and we are going to LOSE all the 300-word comment fics written in the middle of a tumblr chain. We’re going to lose the “Incorrect Quotes” things. (They are fanworks! Every single one of them can be a fic at AO3! There is no “must have at least 100 words and be a proper drabble” requirement. You can have three-sentence fanworks!)
Please yes EVERYTHING IS WORTH ARCHIVING.
Culture is not limited to the stuff written in the style of professionally published novels.
@pharaonicwolf, your tags have passed peer review. Thank you for this notable contribution!
Tags:
#be the Marion Stokes you wish to see in the world #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers #history #fandom #(also‚ Recoll synergises very well here) #(how are you going to hunt down that one soulmate words-on-wrists fic in Fandom X within your collection‚ you ask?) #(with a personal search engine‚ that’s how) #((for the *most* part if I‚ personally‚ store a fic it’s because I enjoyed it or expect to enjoy it)) #((but occasionally I’ll pull something just because it strikes me as)) #((something where later I’m going to be thinking ”what was that one thing with the thing”)) #–(((or occasionally something where I *did* later think ”what was that one thing with the thing”))) #(((and *eventually* managed to track it down on the Internet‚ but not without difficulty)))– #((so I index it in Recoll for the benefit of future-me)) #(((and I’m certainly a prolific Save Page Now user))) #amnesia cw #homophobia cw #nsfw text?
We don’t appreciate the fact that Bruce Wayne is a Kardasian level celebrity enough. Everyone knows him. I want more one shots and crack fic moments where the League (Pre identity reveals) just openly talk about Bruce Wayne in front of Batman.
Just imagine them playing fuck, marry, kill with famous actors and such and throwing Bruce into the mix. And Batman just sits there, silently suffering as he listens to the reasons why Flash and Lantern would marry, fuck, or kill him. He prays they choose kill. They don’t.
This works best if the reveal comes after literally everyone else has played, and half of the people have said “I’d marry Bruce Wayne for the money” and the other half have not only said that they’d fuck him, but been reasonably graphic as to how.
Flash: So, tall, dark, and scary, what’ll it be? Are you going to marry Bruce Wayne so he can fund all of your sick gadgets? Maybe you’ll be a gentle lover to him like Aquaman here, work him over like a hunk of meat like Supes? Or maybe Brucie is the one person in the world you break your code for. Come on, what’ve you got for us?
Batman: -pauses- Honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a better time for this. -pulls off his cowl-
[Image ID: Tags reading “#bruce to himself: #do I keep my secret identity secret or deliver the greatest punchline in the history of situational comedy” End ID]
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Batman #fanfic #embarrassment squick #this is right on the edge of being too embarrassment-squicky for me but I have to admit it’s hilarious #nsfw text?
My virus grаbbеd аll your реrsonаl info аnd turnеd оn your camera which сaрturеd the рrocess of your onanism
Excerpt from an email I just got
Tags:
#viruses #quotes #nsfw text? #I love these ones #everything about them is obviously fake *except* it includes one of your real breached passwords #so it’s scary but not *too* scary #the perfect kick in the ass to Get a Goddamn Password Manager Already #I promptly did get a password manager and changed all my passwords to unique‚ long‚ easily-replaced gibberish and I am eternally grateful #(…although I’m a little concerned about people who actually *do* recognisable masturbation in front of uncovered webcams) #(for whom it wouldn’t be quite so obviously fake)
Hey everyone! Read Only Mind (ROM) is an inclusive archive for mind control and hypnosis erotica made by a small team that wanted to add features for writers and readers alike, and to help foster a community of content creators. You can find us at our website here!
I am super excited to share this with y’all as we’ve been working on it for a while. Examples of our features include account creation to post and upload your stories at any time, a tagging system (!!), comments, following stories for that anticipated next chapter, statistics for authors to see how readers engage with their content, an advanced search bar, and more.
This is a resource made by and for community, and we hope to grow with everyone’s help and support. Go ahead and check our About section for Rules and our FAQ, and please check it out and discover the stories and features, bookmark it for future content, and write your own stories if you’d like!
Since this is Tumblr and I don’t have CHARACTER limits, I can talk about how I’m excited for this! The other admin and I wanted a website that could offer more than what we were used to, while not having to see racist stories scroll by. This website is the result of that! We have story likes (called ‘snaps’), comments and suggestions (that you have the option to turn off as the author!), you’ll get to see how many people view your story and the number of snaps you’ve received, and a bunch of other stuff! You’re free to post onto ROM and other places at the same time since exclusivity isn’t a requirement, but we have a few authors who’ve already uploaded stories and are making the move over.
Spread the word for this if you can! You can find our official Twitter account here where we’ll post updates, and our current discord link is HERE where you can join us and talk with some other content creators! It’s a first public push and we’re still taking bug reports should we run into any issues.
Thanks so much for reading!
Tags:
#interesting #sexuality and lack thereof #the more you know #nsfw text? #(for those of y’all who are outsiders interested in subcultural anthropology: #yes ”account creation to post and upload your stories at any time” is a big deal in context) #(at the big mind-control-erotica site you submit your stories to the admin and he goes through and puts them up once a week) #(sometimes there are no updates that week because he was on vacation‚ the implications of which are frankly very concerning) #(does Simon bar Sinister have an heir? does the EMCSA pass the bus test??) #(have we actually been trusting a vital piece of community infrastructure to a single fucking dude for the past 20+ years???) #(I’m not plugged into the scene enough to know whether there are answers to these questions floating around #but I *am* plugged in enough to wonder about it) #death mention