in the shadows

whetstonefires:

whetstonefires:

hey guess who has two thumbs and just spent 5 hours straight writing another batman AU?


Batman wasn’t a person.

He faked it very well. When the League gathered, the line of his mask against pale skin looked natural and human, a little more perfectly fitted than the Flash’s but not quite as perfect as Green Lantern’s, which was an energy projection and not a real object and thus lay against his face flawlessly, without shift or gap.

His mouth didn’t bend into many expressions and his body language wasn’t voluble, but the emotive gestures that he did make were pretty normal. The rare smile seemed honest. He had a heartbeat, perfectly steady. His shadow (almost) always matched the shape that was blocking the light.

The stories that came out of Gotham, about the Bat—those could be exaggerations, born of terror and manipulated perception. Clark, of all people, knew how much you could convince people to believe things that weren’t real, because they made a better story. Even the scraps of photography and film showing a towering thing of black fog and long fangs could have been some clever trick with projectors.

The fact that Superman couldn’t see through his suit just meant it was well made.

He’d had to pool his observations with Diana and J’onn before he’d been sure he wasn’t imagining things. But Martian Manhunter knew shapeshifting, and said the block against his mind when he tried to touch Batman’s thoughts did not feel quite human. And Superman knew what posing as human looked like. And Wonder Woman knew truth, and its absence.

Batman wasn’t human. Which wasn’t the problem, of course.

The problem was that he was pretending he was. Pretending it rigorously in a situation where there shouldn’t be any need, unless he had something worse to hide. Pretending it in a way that overlaid on a certain inhuman predatory grace began to look very dangerous indeed.

Superman could see both things in him now, watching narrow-eyed through a roof into the room where Batman bent over a child’s bed, cape swirling up larger and darker than he let it get around them. The man and the hungry creature, flipping in and out of focus, neither ever gone but superimposed, like a trick picture that was two things at once.

Knuckles ghosted over the boy’s cheek, claws turned inward, and the child sighed softly, and sunk deeper into sleep. Batman’s heart wasn’t beating, but Clark could monitor the child’s vitals easily from here.

Batman drew his hand back, and tipped his head up—looking back at Superman as though the roof was no more a barrier to his perceptions than to Clark’s. Waited a beat, as if making sure his attention had been noticed, and then passed soundlessly between the other beds to the window, slid it open, and launched himself out through it and up onto the roof.

He didn’t bother to restrain himself to even a plausible approximation of human limits, now. The arm he reached up to the edge of the roof to pivot himself up by was too long, and his shoulder rotated further than it should have been able to, and he landed with impossible soundlessness in a billow of cape that was far, far larger than any cape that only reached to his heels should have managed, and which faded out at the edges into shadow. He knew he was found out.

Superman took the obvious invitation, and sunk down to join him. It was better, sitting like this, facing the same way on the ridgepole of a two-story building. Batman hadn’t hurt that child, that he could tell. There was no need to make this a confrontation.

“I don’t understand why,” he said at last. Out of deference for sleeping children, he kept his voice soft—he would have worried about a human being able to hear it, but now he knew he didn’t have to worry about that with Batman. “Why go to so much trouble to deceive us? We haven’t kept secret what we are. Not from you.”

Alien, alien, user of alien weapon, magical princess…

Batman sighed. He spoke almost as softly as Clark had, and his voice sounded the same as ever, except for the fact that a human voice couldn’t get this quiet without falling into a whisper. “I’m not like you.” He turned.

He’d let some of the details of his human mask fall away—what must have been the exhaustively rendered texture of skin, the flakes of dry skin on chapping lips, a crease at the corner of his mouth that had suggested he scowled or smiled more, outside of his costume. There was no pretense of a jawbone, under the skin, though the jawline externally hadn’t changed. The cowl still looked like something he was wearing, but Clark knew it was not. It flexed like skin when Batman narrowed his blank white eyes and said, “I can see you know that.”

“You’ve visited that kid every day for weeks,” Clark said. “Why?”

Batman stared at him. “How long have you known?”

“Batman…”

“You’re confronting me now because you’re worried about my intentions toward Dick. He changed your mind about something. Ergo, you’ve been sitting on this for a while. How long have you known I wasn’t real?”

Keep reading

second part here!


Tags:

#fanfic #Batman #Superman #death tw #h/t kaylin881; reblogging version with link to part 2

fanfic

seacreaturefeature:

poison ivy wearing muddy overalls n rubber gloves on the set of a gardening show w the hosts tied up n gagged behind her stroking a genetically modified carnivorous plant like a lapdog: hello fume-spewers of gotham city. its your hostess with the most…the mostess…its me, poison ivy. sorry to interrupt your resource-guzzling evening’s entertainment by taking over every channel of your worthless old-media network. oh wait. i’m not. at this very moment the bouquet of roses i sent to strangle the mayor will be

heavy static followed by sudden cut 2 the penguin, drinking straight vodka and crunching icecubes wearing a feather boa and a velvet dressing gown covered in grease-strains and reclining in the hosts chair on a talk show set, which is being visibly smashed by themed muscleboys in th background: GOTHAM CITY YOU FUCKERS, YOU ABSOLUTE SWINE, HERES THE DEAL I WANT (crunch) A BILLION DOLLARS LEGAL TENDER TRANSFERRED TO MY PAYPAL AT vintage_cloaca_1937@icberglounge.com.org OR YOU CAN (slurp) SAY GOODBYE TO-

sudden cut back 2 poison ivy, furiously gesturing to the hypnotised crew to do whatever damnable technological things they do to unfuck the broadcast: (high pitched screeching)

sudden cut to the penguin: -YOUR PRECIOUS “SUN”. I-

the penguin: (hears phone ringing) OH WAIT UH HOLD ON A SECOND

the penguin: (pullS a gold rotary telephone out of his purse) HWEH?

poison ivy, shreiking thru reciever: fuck off oswald im doing a Bit!!

the penguin: TO FUCK WITH YOUR BIT I BOUGHT OUT ALL THE NETWORKS FOR 1 HALF HOUR SLOT AND NOW I HAVE MINUS A BILLION DOLLARS AND I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS

poison ivy: these airwaves arent big enough for the both of us you horrendous little animal. i swear to piss i will

sudden cut to the riddler, sitting atop a giant rubix cube w the squares flashing neon at intervals wearing 2 pairs of 3D glasses and a coquettish mod ensemble w so many sequins on it that the studio lights reflecting off it cause at least 3 lens flares a second: GREEEEEEEETINGS CITIZENS OF GOTHAM CITTTYYYYYY! i, the RIDDLER, have interrupted your intellectually unstimulating broadcast to bring you some entertainment you’ll hopefully find a little more…challenging. a new game show….with a DEADLY TWIST. for you see

the riddler: (hears his 2001 nokia beeping) uh…well, it seems we have our FIRST CALLER of the evening

the riddler: …and our SECOND CALLER. um

poison ivy: (garbled screaming)

the penguin: (choking on an ice cube in pure rage)

the riddler: woah now hey now hey there woah there just a second

the penguin:-THE SUN

poison ivy:-THE MAYOR-

the penguin: -A BILLION DOLLARS

poison ivy: -A TRILLION DOLLARS-

sudden cut to harley quinn, sitting at home on the couch in front of her webcam wearing a sweaty sports bra and loony toons pajama pants and eating a hotdog: whats up folks! just wanted to hang out


Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #my past self has good taste #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #death tw?

doktorgirlfriend:

The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.

“The following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, I’m, like, 93% sure you’re a white guy and your costume is racist.

“Number Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuck’s sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.

“Number Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, wait… That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, you’re fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?

“Anyway, where was…? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, ‘would not stop talking about Mythbusters.’ Well, excuse me for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves it’s goddamn Shakespeare? Well… Well, it’s Carroll, but… Oh, you know what I mean!

“Number Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointy  objets d’art while you ‘distracted’ the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.

“Number Eight: Kite Man.”

Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.

“You know what you did…”

His demeanor shifts quickly, and he’s back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.

“Number Nine! Th-”

He’s interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls, “Riddler!”

“Oh, for the love of-” He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly. “Number Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while I’m on television making very important- Hm-mmph!”

He’s reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.

 

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

KITE MAN’S CRIMES WERE NUMEROUS AND TERRIBLE

 

rouge-fox-expanded:

If I were batman I’d give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.

Batman: Riddler, you’ve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know that’s wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So I’m giving you five minutes, and then I’m taking you to Arkham

Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.

 

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

“RIDDLER YOU CAN’T JUST GO ON TV AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE

THAT’S WHAT YOUTUBE IS FOR”

 

beka-tiddalik:

Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.

This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.

Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.

 

failure-to-adult:

Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube.  He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives away…fuck I don’t know…Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right.

“Riddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one?  The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon!  Which isn’t much of a Riddle, but seriously I’m down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.”

 

doktorgirlfriend:

Bringing this back because “YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain” has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.

Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things I’ve ever done.


Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog

titleknown:

Batman Story Idea: The reason the Joker’s personality varies so wildly is that there are two people who, completely independently, adopted the identity

One is the goofy clown who’s more concerned with mayhem and spectacle than murder/suffering; ala the Silver Age Dick Sprang Joker or the Lego Batman Joker, the other the serial-killing social-engineering monster that’s a force of nihilistic chaos ala The Killing Joke/The Animated Series/the Heath Ledger Joker.

Both of them know about each other and fucking hate each other and each accuse the other of being a ripoff despite that almost certainly not being the case and them seemingly having come up with the identity independently in a hilarious coincidence.


Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #story ideas I will never write

missroxyspamcake asked: Glumshoe, I’ve had an idea about Brad Wayne for while now, and that is that he is unlikely to suspect the Bat Fam of being superheroes. But he’s probably more likely to suspect that ALFRED is up to something, if only that Alfred is lazier than he looks (he often suddenly disappears when Bruce does, probably for a smoke break, Brad tells himself). The others are used to having a butler around by now, and Alfred is very careful of course. 1/2

{{previous post in sequence}}


nentuaby:

glumshoe:

2/2 But Brad probably asks a lot of questions initially to try to get to know Alfred, like: “How do you stay in shape? You’re pretty spry for an old dude.” Let’s assume Alfred is ex military in this version, so that’s his explanation, and Brad accepts it. Until Brad sees a misplaced batarang or tool from a fight he completely missed, and all the pieces fall into place. He can’t stay quiet. “Guys, don’t freak out, but… I think Alfred might be Batman.” Bruce nearly chokes on his coffee.

Oh I LOVE the idea that Brad is suspicious of Alfred.

Concept: one of the inspirations for Batman is Mary Roberts Rinehart’s 1920 play The Bat. It features a masked bat-themed criminal. Her work has remained popular in Gotham because it fits the noir aesthetic. Her novel The Door is also the origin of the “the butler did it” trope. 

Maybe Brad has never met an actual honest-to-god butler before and his only exposure to them has been through pop culture, so he just kind of assumes Alfred is quietly scheming and hiding a dark secret.

That’s way smarter than my Brad & Alfred headcanon:

Alfred calls Brad ‘Master Bradley’. Brad keeps trying to get him to stop, as much because he’s literally got “Brad” on his birth certificate as because of discomfort with the form of address; but Alfred cannot bring himself to address a living human being as Brad.


Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #headcanons #embarrassment squick? #oh look an update

glumshoe:

my best OC is Brad Wayne, Bruce’s illegitimate biological child via a totally normal woman he had a fling with when he was younger and didn’t stay in touch with

Brad grew up a totally normal kid, went to college, joined a frat, and decided to get in touch with Bruce, who now has an awkward situation on his hands

now the other Batkids have to deal with fucking Brad Wayne, whose normalacy is absolutely insufferable… he tells Dick to try yoga and suggests that Tim will sleep better if he gets more exercise… Bruce goes out of town and Brad decides it’s time to throw a house party with his frat friends

he’s so good

 

glumshoe:

All of Brad’s Bat-siblings are absolutely unprepared to deal with him. They can’t handle it. They can’t even hate him properly, even Damien, because he’s just… he’s not even… he’s just Some Guy™️!

They’re all braced for the inevitable reveal that he’s a villain, an imposter, or an interloper there to usurp the Wayne fortune or spy on Batman. They have all sorts of plans to foil his schemes and the only thing they’re not able to prepare for is the fact that he’s just. Brad. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not a saint, either—his problems are just so mundane, so ordinary.

They TRY to understand what his life is like, but how are they supposed to relate to someone who doesn’t text back because he’s hungover or his phone died, not because he’s tied up in a death trap somewhere being menaced by someone in a Halloween costume?

No one’s ever tried to ritually sacrifice him before and it shows.

 

luckyladylily:

Does he know they are the batfam? Or does he just think it is so cool that his dad has adopted all these kids that needed a home?

 

glumshoe:

Oh he has no idea. Brad didn’t grow up in Gotham and isn’t really familiar with its culture, so he thinks it’s an ordinary city with ordinary problems (presumably there’s still a concept of ‘ordinary’ in the DCU).

When someone tries to tell him he laughs it off. Maybe one of his friends asks him about the popular rumor that Bruce Wayne is Batman, but he’s never even contemplated the possibility. Later he’s trying to coax Dick into playing beer pong and loudly tells the story to party guests as a funny anecdote. He thinks the whole concept of Batman is hilarious. Maybe he makes up stories about seeing Batman to impress his family and make himself sound cool.

 

jamisings:

Eventually though some bad guy who wants a huge ransom is going to kidnap Brad. What happens then? Does Batman call in a favor to one of the other members of the Justice League or does Damien go out and rescue his brother and tell him he’s the most useless of all his brothers because he’s so ordinary? Because you know if anyone is going to blab it’s going to be Damien.

 

glumshoe:

Brad gets kidnapped and Steph and/or Cass rescue him in costume.

Later, in Wayne Manor, he tells his family all about how the Batgirls were totally flirting with him and how he managed to take out a few of the bad guys all by himself.

 

glumshoe:

Brad Wayne: “Hey, do you guys think Batman fucks? Like, you think he has ever gotten laid?”

Dick, stiffly: “Um. Yes. I think so.”

Brad: “Really? Guy sounds like a turbo-virgin to me. I mean, he fights crime in a fursuit! Come on!”

Tim: “I have it on reasonable authority that Batman fucks. Unfortunately.”

Steph: “Hey, Damian. Penny for your thoughts?”


Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #kidnapping cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick?


{{next post in sequence}}

The Invention of Batman

itsbenedict:

“So… okay, I think it suffices to define a bat as… a basically like a bird, but without feathers.”

“Like a bug?”

“Okay, a bird without feathers and no exoskeleton. …Oh, god, what are you-”

“BEHOLD! A BAT!”

“God damn it, Diogenes, you kept that thing?”

“Behold it!”

“No, you- last week you said- it can’t be both a bat and a-”

Says who?”


Tags:

#Batman #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #storytime

kid-crashed:

buffaliengirlfriend:

buffaliengirlfriend:

the newlywed game but with superheros and their sidekicks.

the host: what does robin love to eat after a night of fighting crime?

9 yr old dick grayson: a pb&j, with crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jelly on whole wheat, the crust cut off, and the sandwich cut into squares!!

bruce: turns his sign around to reveal ‘the most specific peanut butter and jelly sandwich on earth.’

Young Wally West: EVERYTHING!!

Barry: turns his sign around to reveal ‘if it’s food, he is eating it’


Tags:

#Batman #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #food