Batman

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

jennamoran:

batmanisagatewaydrug:

gun to my head if I had to write a story about Two-Face the premise would be that Harvey’s totally reformed, 100% in the clear, genuinely 0 interest in crime or murder, so he goes back to practicing law. but Two-Face is still there and ALSO practicing law so Harvey is like this upstanding lawyer working pro bono for various charities and nonprofits and what have you and then Two-Face is like a sleezy ambulance chaser taking out HUGE obnoxious billboards all over Gotham and recording the worst local commercials you have EVER seen. they share an office and work on alternating days. the POV character of this miniseries is the shared secretary who has to keep both of their schedules straight and the climax involves Harvey and Two-Face somehow legally being allowed to represent two different people who are suing each other

the bar exam, most places: (series of complicated questions)

the bar exam, Gotham:
1. how much interest in murder have you had in the past 13 days?

(a) some
(b) none
© committed 1, but that was enough for me
(d) very interested
(e) appropriate levels of interest for a lawyer

2. are you, as an identity, in control of at least 1/3 of your body’s affairs?

(a) yes
(b) no
© I am undertaking this exam as a meat trust
(d) I decline to say under the rights guaranteed me by Gotham v. A Puppet with a Scar on its Face
(e) the question is not philosophically sound

3. how would you describe your current level of involvement with organized crime?

(a) modest
(b) measured
© cautious
(d) undertaken under duress
(e) I decline to say under the rights guaranteed me by Gotham v. A Mysterious, Crime-Producing Hellmouth Underneath the City

4. are you … uh … you know, a lawyer?

(a) yes
(b) no
© the question is not philosophically sound
(d) I have, shall we say, “law”ed
(e) I possess the metahuman ability to function as a lawyer when appropriately garbed

Tags:

#Batman #story ideas I will never write #fanfic #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

supermah:

in superman adventures #19, there’s a villain named multi-face who can convincingly disguise himself as anyone, even tricking dna tests and x-ray vision. Superman initially can’t stop him

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and the only reason he gets caught is because multiface decides to disguise himself as, of all people, CLARK KENT i’m screaming

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supermah:

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why do villains always mess up so badly

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my-little-ninja:

Clark Kent attending Bruce Wayne’s yacht party where Bruce told Clark to wear his clothes and……

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stalker-among-the-stars:

Ta-Da!

Sard borken

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itsalburton:

This bullshit needs to get into the movies, not edgy-grimdark shit

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armchair-factotum:

I especially love the fact that, in many depictions, Bruce Wayne somehow ended up looking similar enough to the one Kryptonian on Earth that they can Parent Trap people

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supreme-leader-stoat:

*Deathstroke bursts into the Legion of Doom headquarters* “Guys, you won’t believe this, but I think Bruce Wayne is Superman!“

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sunshine-tattoo:

today I learned that Clark Kent is sloppy drunk and I am in eternal gratitude for that

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orangebaccarat:

I’ve seen this post go around a couple of times and I’ve never seen anyone add the time that Clark somehow got high.

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begettingmonsters:

i say “somebody’s making brownies in North Dakota” whenever my irl bizarrely strong sense of smell is bugging me plz reblog so ppl will get the reference thx

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foone:

There’s an episode of the Superman animated series where Superman goes to Gotham because he hears it’s suddenly full of crime, as Batman has vanished. He teams up with Robin and dressed up as Batman to get crime back under control, while searching for him.

It turns out Bruce Wayne got mind-controlled by Brainiac who went after him just because he’s a billionaire, and is using his money to build a giant rocket. He doesn’t even know he was mind controlling Batman.

So Superman learns all this (while dressed as Batman, remember?) , and Brainiac is like “Well, Batman is only a human. Time to die” and blasts him with a big laser.

Since it’s Superman, this just damages his mask a bit, revealing that he’s actually Superman. And Brainiac goes “Kal-El? This development was highly improbable.”

Understatement of the century, bud. The chances of Batman and Superman being the same guy? Pretty fucking low!

Tags:

#Batman #Superman #comics #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #drugs cw #embarrassment squick #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

batfamfucker:

We don’t appreciate the fact that Bruce Wayne is a Kardasian level celebrity enough. Everyone knows him. I want more one shots and crack fic moments where the League (Pre identity reveals) just openly talk about Bruce Wayne in front of Batman.

Just imagine them playing fuck, marry, kill with famous actors and such and throwing Bruce into the mix. And Batman just sits there, silently suffering as he listens to the reasons why Flash and Lantern would marry, fuck, or kill him. He prays they choose kill. They don’t.

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batfamfucker:

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Barry: Eat the rich!

Bruce: Oh thank Go-

Clark: Oh, I intend to 🥴🥵

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batfamfucker:

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whispering-imp:

It’s Batman’s turn. Bruce needs to decide whether to marry himself for the money or throw himself off the cliff.

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primeemeraldheiress:

Okay but can you imagine what kind of identity reveal situation that would be?

“I would fuck —-, I would marry —-, and then I would commit suicide.”

“Batman, that’s not how the game is played. You have to choose for Bruce Wayne.”

“I did.”

“…WHAT?!”

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lynati:

“I would kill Bruce Wayne just to get him out of this conversation.”

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aqueerkettleofish:

This works best if the reveal comes after literally everyone else has played, and half of the people have said “I’d marry Bruce Wayne for the money” and the other half have not only said that they’d fuck him, but been reasonably graphic as to how.

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althor42:

Flash: So, tall, dark, and scary, what’ll it be? Are you going to marry Bruce Wayne so he can fund all of your sick gadgets? Maybe you’ll be a gentle lover to him like Aquaman here, work him over like a hunk of meat like Supes? Or maybe Brucie is the one person in the world you break your code for. Come on, what’ve you got for us?

Batman: -pauses- Honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a better time for this. -pulls off his cowl-

Justice League: -horrified screeching-

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mollyhats:

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Via @milfmarthawayne

[Image ID: Tags reading “#bruce to himself: #do I keep my secret identity secret or deliver the greatest punchline in the history of situational comedy” End ID]

Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Batman #fanfic #embarrassment squick #this is right on the edge of being too embarrassment-squicky for me but I have to admit it’s hilarious #nsfw text?

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

batmanisagatewaydrug:

all goofs aside I do think it would very funny if beloved airhead billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne was like. VERY publicly forklift certified and happily reminds everyone of it every time Wayne Enterprises social media posts a publicity picture of Bruce swinging by one of the factories, wearing a hard hat and hanging with the working folks.

Bruce retweets this to the Official Bruce Wayne social media and it’s always “So great to meet the people who make our work possible! What we do at Wayne Enterprises wouldn’t be possible without these hardworking folks. They seemed so surprised when I told them I’m also forklift certified! Maybe I can drive one next time.”

the man is always reminding people that he theoretically COULD operate a forklift but no one will let him because that’s Bruce Fucking Wayne and it just seems safer to Not.

meanwhile Batman, obviously, can operate a forklift but isn’t technically certified due to the technically impossible nature of getting a certification made out to The Goddamn Batman, which culminated in Batman having to (briefly!!!) drive a forklift in the process of foiling someone’s stupid warehouse-related scheme and briefly becoming a meme when someone gets a picture and starts a furious online debate over whether or not Batman can be operating heavy machinery. “flying a fighter jet down city streets is one thing but I’m drawing the line here, this is an OSHA violation,” that kind of thing. #batsVosha gets trending probably.

Bruce, ever the opportunist, capitalizes on this by tweeting out an open invitation for the Batman to stop by Wayne Enterprises for a course in forklift safety.

Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick?

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

mikkeneko:

platypik:

largishcat:

littlebirdofprey:

ive always hated when a vampire story is trying to distance itself from traditional lore or common perception and the vampire turns up their nose and says “and no. I don’t turn into a bat” like they’re so offended that you’d even suggest that they could do something so cool. well congratulations you’re uncool and boring goodbye

“Can you turn into a bat?”

“God, no, I wish,” sighed the vampire. “That’d be fucking badass.”

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#hey it took him a while but he eventually managed it

Tags:

#vampires #Twilight #Batman #juxtaposition #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

damianwaynerocks:

ok but if bruce wayne somehow came upon zuko fresh out of banishment he would lose his mind.

black hair? check. bad parent(s)? check. trauma? double check.

bruce: how’d you get your scar?

zuko: my dad got mad at me for saying that killing people is wrong so he lit my face on fire and banished me.

bruce, vibrating with excitement, already pulling adoption papers from his utilility: that’s terrible. how do you feel about capes.

 

explorerrowan:

Zuko: Do you mind if I wear this blue demon mask?

Bruce: *sniff, tear in his eye* Not at all.

 

jess-the-werefox:

*Zuko fighting the Joker*

J: “wan na kno w h ow i go t thes e sc ar s”

Z: *rips off mask* i don’t give a fuck

 

fefeman:

I’m still stuck at the “batman has adoption papers in his utility belt”.

“Quick, it’s time to use the Bat-adoption papers!”

 

silverscreenx:

Bat-option papers

 

phantoms-lair:

Okay, but you’re missing the best part of this.

Alfred and Iroh complimenting each other on tea while they discuss their overly dramatic children.

 

damianwaynerocks:

iroh: once, i told zuko that he needs to work on his inter turmoil. he screamed at me that he had no such inner turmoil, and then proceeded to go to a cliff during a thunderstorm to scream at God to strike him with lightning

alfred: master bruce and i have that interaction at least three times per week.

 

coffeebuddha:

@absentlyabbie​

 

animate-mush:

I see your “Alfred and Iroh as tea bros” and raise you “Alfred and Iroh as tea rivals”

Consider

Iroh: you too must learn patience. Boiling the water ruins the delicate flavor of the white jade

Alfred: oh I’m dreadfully sorry – for some reason I expected this tea to have TEA in it

(later)

Alfred: *aggressively laying out full tea service with milk, lemon, sugar, and, just to drive his point in, jam*

Iroh: *dying inside*

 

damianwaynerocks:

excellent addition

 

whetstonefires:

hey bruce spent a lot of his bat-study abroad in the far east and has kind of a weeb weapon collection so proposal, what if Bruce appreciates Iroh’s tea

while Zuko is enthusiastic about cream and sugar

further fueling their dad-figures’ passive-aggressive rivalry?

 

princesscolumbia:

You had me at Zuko vs. Joker, I was crying by the Eastern vs. Western tea service

 

overlord-puffin:

Wait a minute. Batman and Zuko have the same arch-nemesis.

Mark Hamill

Tags:

#Avatar: The Last Airbender #Batman #crossovers #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #tea

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

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brawltogethernow:

theblondebat:

sixofclovers:

the butts match

this is all I could think of with that frigging batman conspiracy post memes ruin lives bruce.

WE JUST TOOK THIS MEME TO THE NEXT LEVEL HOLY GOD I’M DYING LOL.

In retrospect this continuation seems obvious.

Tags:

#Batman #comics #fanart #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #high context jokes #(sort of) #(I mean the context *is* given at the end but I expect it’s funnier if you already know the context)

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

andyheckbody:

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shieldfoss:

Depends on the context! You need enough chuggas to establish that we are on a steam train before it makes sense to your audience that you are blowing a steam whistle – so if you’re at a bar and people have been talking about “chugging” beer all night, you may need several chuggas to get the btrain going in the right direction but if you’re already on a train you can just do the arm motion and say “choo choo” without even a single chugga.

 

rendakuenthusiast:

I said this ditty to myself to see what I did and I produced *four* chuggas before the choo choo. Any fewer chuggas than that seems insufficient; and more than four is certainly acceptable, although with much more than four you start to bore your audience.

 

shieldfoss:

Just sitting here I’m on like 16 chuggas.

 

sang-the-sun-in-flight:

8 is my default

 

sigmaleph:

if your number of chuggas isn’t divisible by 4 then what the hell are you doing

I agree that no chuggas are required if you are already on a train (and similarly trainful situations like “pointing at a train”), but for other circumstances:

There’s a use/mention distinction. When *mentioning* “chugga chugga choo choo” it’s two chuggas, but when *using* it it’s eight chuggas.

(This is probably because of the same fundamental psychological reasons that cause there to be eight “nana”s before “Batman”.)

Tags:

#(*semi*-serious) #reply via reblog #oral culture #trains #Batman

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

bat-trix:

Bruce Wayne, mostly to annoy Alfred and partly because he genuinely doesn’t believe anyone will care about his antics, claims that his almost ten year disappearance from Gotham was because he was cryptid-hunting across Europe/Asia.

(He was learning to be Batman but whatever.)

“Yetis are real,” he tells Vicki Vale.  “And one day, I will make contact.”

Bruce establishes himself as a cryptid enthusiast pretty quickly and blames most of his suspicious childhood injuries on dumb things he did trying to photograph Bigfoot behind Wayne Manor.

So anyways, Batman shows up and Bruce is a smart guy so he knows that Batman being partially myth and urban legend is going to help his crusade against darkness.  But he’s also smart enough to know that people are going to start getting suspicious if Batman shows up at the same place Bruce Wayne is and Bruce Wayne constantly denies his existence.

He sets his plan into motion at a bank robbery he happens to be involved in.  After sending Alfred off with his costume, he slips back into the bank in time to be there when the police arrive so that he can give his statement.

Bruce makes sure to play it up: his eyes dart around nervously, his voice pitched with excitement, and asserting at the end of his statement that, “I cannot be sure, but I am pretty positive that we were saved by a large, bat-like creature.”

The officers are like ‘yeah ok whatever man’ because Bruce Wayne once fell off of a water-tower because he thought he saw Mothman flying in the night sky, but some of the other witnesses describe seeing a weird bat-thing too so really who knows at this point.

Whenever Bruce Wayne appears publicly somewhere the Batman saves the day, he always makes sure to give a statement about Gotham’s new cryptid and how he intends to be the first on actually catching it in the wild.

“This… Bat-man creature seems to have a moral code,” he tells Vicki Vale.  “If I could just,” he clenches his fist, gazing wistfully out onto the street.  “Meet him…..”

This also allows for him to ply James Gordon for information without arousing suspicion.  And because Gordon has a soft-spot for the little orphan he comforted during his worst night, he usually is willing to give Bruce a little bit of info on cases that the Batman has been working on.

Bruce: Batman is real, don’t lie to me.

Gordon: I can neither confirm nor deny those rumors. *gives Bruce a knowing smile*

Bruce: I heard that he tore through Falcone’s racketeering club the other night!

Gordon: Well…. *glances around* We did get a call from the docks the other night.  SOMEONE tied up most of the gang and left them for us to find…

Bruce: Most of the gang?

Gordon: We think five of them are still on the run.

Bruce: Hmmm……

And of course, Batman does eventually become less of an urban legend and more of a known entity. 

Bruce, busting down the doors of GCPD: BATMAN IS REAL!!!!!!!!!

Gordon: *puts head in hands, sighs*

And like maybe one time Oprah or someone confronts Bruce like “Hey people are saying that maybe YOU might be Batman” and Bruce just like… fucking loses it on live TV and is alternately crying and talking about how Batman is REAL and he pulled Bruce out of a VERY DIFFICULT TIME and how without Batman Bruce would be LOST and if people want to ruin the SANCTITY of that BOND well FINE.

And then like… Batman Incorporated becomes a thing and Bruce is all teary-eyed and smiley doing news conferences and showing off the blurry picture of him shaking (Dick)Bats’s hand and talking about how “I just always believed and I knew this story would have a happy ending and when I clutched his talon in my hand I knew that I was home.”

Bruce similarly becomes famous for insisting the Superman is a fraud put on by the government.

Tags:

#Batman #cryptids #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #embarrassment squick?