Winter is always this horrific balance. On one hand, it’s too cold to wash a car. You’d have to be stupid to be out there in -20°C, running out of your house with a bucket of boiling water, trying to get to your panels before it instantly freezes solid just from touching the outside air. On the other hand, the city keeps putting road salt down like they own a dividend stake in the abstract concept of salt. You need to wash, and yet you can’t.

Now, I also know what you amateur scientists are going to say. “It can’t rust, it’s too cold for the endothermic reaction of iron oxidation to occur, you’re fine to wait to wash the car when it warms up.” Then it’ll be rusting! Do you also wait for your enemies to wake up before you stab them to death? Don’t answer that. Also, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Mars is red because it’s made of rust, and it’s hard to get a lot colder than there, too.

Most “car people” just shrug their shoulders at this problem and buy a cheap winter beater. This vehicle is sacrificial, they say. It does not bother me that it is corroding away before my very eyes, because doing so prevents my nice Lexus from developing spots of rust as well. These people also must have a “parts kid,” just in case something happens to their firstborn, because every car is special and unique and deserves to be preserved. Plus, if they keep buying up and destroying all the $1000 rust buckets, then what am I going to drive?

Last week, I awoke one morning from uneasy dreams to find myself in possession of the answer. I would simply add a sacrificial coating to my vehicle, encasing it in an inch of bulletproof and saltproof epoxy. So far, this method has worked really well. The salt just slides right off it, and onto the car behind me. There’s just one downside: since the doors no longer open, I have to keep the window rolled down all the time so I can get in and out. You might think this is “cool,” like the Dukes of Hazzard, but Bo and Luke never had to deal with trying to get a pregnant raccoon out from the back seat of their Volare.


#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #unreality cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

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