girlhood is touching your necklace whenever you feel nervous
me when im absolutely not corrupted by the amulet
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
A story within a story where a mother sits her rowdy children down and tells them a story about a the world’s sweetest, kindest mother who never lost her temper, never cursed and never yelled at her children, no matter how rowdy they could get. She would only gently, kindly told them to not do the dangerous things. One day she sweetly, kindly told her children to not go play at the riverbank, because it’s dangerous and they might slip on the rocks, fall into the water, and die. Her children do not listen. They go play at the riverbank, where they slip on the rocks, fall into the water, and die.
And the sweet perfect mother of the story comes to the riverbank, sees that all her children drowned, and starts crying so bitterly that angels overhear her, and the angels say to each other, “she does not deserve this, this woman has never done anything wrong in her life, this should not have happened to her”, and feeling great pity for her, bring her children back to life, and after that they always listened to their mother and lived happily ever after.
And the storyteller’s children, who at this point are familiar with the concept that these stories are supposed to have some sort of a moral or lesson in them, interject to point out that their mother hasn’t always done everything perfectly, she isn’t always sweet, curses a lot, and as a matter of fact loses her shit at her kids all the time. She isn’t like the mother of the story at all.
And their mother agrees: Her children are correct. She is not a perfect mother who has never done anything wrong. Angels will not have pity on her, and they will not bring her little shits back to life if they go to the river and die. So they better fucking not go get themselves killed in the first place.
this was forwarded to me by my kid and i gotta say that adds layers to the interpretation
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#storytime #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #death tw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#Mass Effect #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #nsfw text? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Me, on the welcome desk in the library: Good morning, how are you today?
Customer: I have welcomed Jesus into my heart and so I am well today and every day.
Me, a little unnerved: Okay then! Is there something I can help you with?
Customer, digging around in his bag and pulling out an iPhone in a box: Unfortunately, Jesus can’t help me with this fucking phone, so I came to the library.
The Library!
For When Not Even God Can Help You!
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#Christianity #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Someday Chocolate Guy is gonna make a working time machine out of chocolate and we’ll just be like. Of course. Of fucking course. It’s the fucking chocolate guy, what did we expect.
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
You’re just not ready. At no point in this video when he says the next thing are you ready.
original transcription by @psychopompsglomps but edited by me for small corrections
[Video ID: TikTok video from user luke.kidgell, a stand-up comedian, two and a half minutes in length. The video is entirely trained on Luke, standing at a comedy club stage presumably, as he is taken on a large tangent after asking a question to the audience. Implied NSFW (mention of fetish). The dialogue shows up color coded (blue for luke, green for the main audience member responding who is a clown, and yellow for her daughter who responds very briefly) in the video. Transcript below under readmore for length. End ID]
Luke asks “Has anyone else also stumbled across, like, a weird fetish online before?”
Audience member, soon identified as a Clown, shouts out “Looners!”
Luke: “What’s that?” Clown: “They’re into balloons.”
Luke: “Ohhh, yes of course, like rubbing it, like-like the feel of that-”
Clown: “No-no-no, they sit on them, they offer a lot of money just to blow them up in front of them.”
Luke: “I hate blowing up balloons. (It) scares the shit out of me. (Audience laughs) Does that not fuckin’ terrify people, when you’re blowing it up and it’s getting big and you see it thinning, and you’re like, ‘that’s lost its colour, it’s gonna fucking go right in my face?’ Imagine that but like, it explodes (gestures in front of his face) and then so do you (gestures vaguely near his crotch). Do you know anyone who has it [the fetish] or just see it on the internet?”
Clown: “No no, I’m a, a clown for a living and I get lots of offers, every week.”
Luke: “Oh do you get asked to do it?”
Clown: “Yes, I do.”
Luke: “Oh my god. So, have you ever done it, for cash?”
Clown: “No but I (cracking up a little) pass it on to a friend of mine who does do it.”
Luke: “Ohhhhh. Do you get like a, referral kickback?”
Clown: “Do I get a bit of kickpack? Yes I do.”
Luke: “Oh you do! Fuck yes. That is awesome.”
Clown: “I’m sitting next to my daughter, so, sorry.”
Luke: “Oh you’re sitting- you’re sitting next to your daughter, she just found out her mum’s a clown pimp. (Laughing, camera cuts out a bit) Did she know that?”
Clown’s daughter yells back, beleaguered, “No I didn’t know!”
Luke: “Oh, that’s awesome. Fuck, were you a bit worried then when I asked ‘have you done it,’ you just like, looked at your mum like, ‘Don’t, even if you did, shut the fuck up or I’ll be on fuckin’ tiktok.’ (Takes a breath, camera cuts between angles again) Bein’ a clown’s very interesting, so d’you, are you a clown at a circus?”
Clown: “No, I’m a children’s entertainer, so I dress as a clown, and (trails off)”
Luke: “And at, hang on, is this how it goes, so at- at the party, I imagine it’s like a, a 5th birthday party, all the parents are standing around, you’re doing some balloon stuff, the classics (wobbles and gestures out) aw slipped right, I don’t know, right, I’m sure your act’s much better than that, then, the parents kind of watch from the back, and is it.. The afterwards bit, you know, a couple of beers flowing around the barbeque where like the uncle steps in and goes, (here Luke starts waving his body about a little to represent an uncle trying to be smooth as he steps up to the clown), ‘Do you do any uhh, extra work? You got a thing for those balloons, you made that little fuckin’ snake before, and umm, it reminded me of mine.’ Uhhhh! Is that how it goes??”
Clown, voice sounding of morbid laughter: “I wish you were fucking joking.”
Luke breaks up laughing fully and turns from the camera, slapping his leg. Right before the video cuts out he quips that “It’s always the fuckin’ uncle isn’t it!”
End Transcript]
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #sexuality and lack thereof #nsfw text #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Okay so, got here from a book on animal behavior but: Vulcan stand-up comedy as a competitive activity.
Because most Vulcans don’t actually pretend they don’t have emotions, it’s all about self-regulation, right? And good comedy usually hinges on manipulating the relationship between our faculties of recognition and surprise in various ways, you can get pretty scientific with it.
So Vulcans go to the comedy act, and the idea is the comedian is trying to make you crack up, and the audience is trying to not even crack a smile, and if you do laugh, you lose. Like all in good fun, but Vulcans are both really competitive and really aware of how dangerous that urge can be to a society, so this could actually be classified as highly orthodox Surakian practice.
So of course the comedian has to actually be funny, or there’s no challenge and the game is boring.
Which means the really good Vulcan comedians (most of whom tend to extremely dry delivery of their bits) are going to go around playing to packed houses, which mostly sit staring stonily back at them, with occasional breaks when someone loses it and reacts.
And after a show you’ll have Vulcans walking out discussing with great approval how very humorous that was, with varying degrees of muted smugness or chagrin depending on if they won or lost.
I bet there are human comedians whose grandest fantasy is being good enough to do a set in Vulcana Regatta and have people going around bragging about not laughing at them.
“My agent was very concerned, wanted to make sure that I knew that no one was going to be laughing at my jokes.”
“‘Yes, I know’ I said. ‘I’m used to that.’”
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(I never claimed to be competing) #Star Trek #fanfic #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
“It sucks that I understand Time Cube and as such cannot avoid becoming a genocidal dictator,” young Paul Atreides said to himself. “For me. Moral complexity is such a burden.”
CHAPTER 2
“Heard any good slurs for poor people lately?” asked the Baron Harkonnen homosexually, knocking back another shot of orphan tears.
“The fact that I will commit unspeakable genocide and lead a holy war across the galaxy is very bad,” said young Paul Atreides. “For me.”
“I too feel morally conflicted by my role in a ruthless eugenics program,” admitted his mother, the Lady Jessica. “Does that make me a bad mother? Who can say….”
At that moment the Duke Leto Atreides returned home from a grueling day churning out propaganda to convince his troops that he was worth dying for. His regal face was lined with deep moral complexities. “It’s tough when you’re me and everybody wants to fuck you so so bad,” he said. “But that’s the price I must pay for the future well-being of my ancestral house.” He sighed, deep and melancholy. When was the last time he’d thrown around the old pigskin with his boy? Would he ever get the chance again…?
That’s fully-manual ascetic space feudalism for you, he thought libertarianally.
Paul looked around the room and was struck by the sudden and horrific realization that he was the smartest person to ever live, and that even his own loving mother and father could never hope to understand Time Cube.
But that’s a problem for another day, Paul decided, not for the last time.
CHAPTER 2
“It’s a beautiful day to be grossnasty, don’t you think?” said the Baron Harkonnen homosexually as he surveyed the ravaged landscape beyond the window. Acid rain pelted against the glass and melted the flesh off the shrieking peasants below.
“Sure. Whatever,” said Feyd-Rautha, not looking up from his sketchbook, upon which he had scrawled the words ‘I love killing and maiming’ in large bubble letters.
“A-h-h,” said the Baron. “That was a trick question: every day is a beautiful day for being grossnasty. You must learn this lesson well, nephew, if you ever hope to get anywhere in life. Piter, what are you doing over there with that huge and evil brain of yours?”
The mentat violated the Hays Code six times in the few seconds it took him to reply. “I’m calculating a mathematically perfect slur for orphans,” he said in a gay voice. “Just as you requested.”
“Finally! A productive use of your time,” said the Baron, and flipped him off. Without a word, he snatched the pen from Feyd-Rautha’s hand and wrote ‘and oppressing the populace’ beneath the words the youth had already written. “There,” he said. “Much better.”
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#Dune #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Okay, so it takes 9 months to make a baby human; that’s about 3 kg.
A baby spider, by contrast, weighs about 1 mg; roughly 3 million times lighter.
So…you could give birth to a healthy baby spider in about…8 seconds? Like it’s not a big inconvenience.
tumblr user saturnine-powerbomb is on the other side of the cave, churning out spiders as fast as Georg can shovel them into his mouth
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #spiders #Spiders Georg #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #unsanitary cw? #pregnancy cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
HMMM perhaps this would be wise. i mean i could wear my going infinite shirt even
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Brinens and Things 