“If I had time travel I’d kill Hitler” “If I had time travel I’d stop my favourite politician getting assassinated” you’re all thinking way too small. If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.

Good Job.

#this post gets me every time

It’s from two days ago fam how many times could there have been

do you think no one else has time travel

Happy one month anniversary to this post that has not allowed me a single day of fucking peace since I made it.


#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #unreality cw #apocalypse cw?

Fun Facts about the Making of Chess The Musical


1. Tim Rice wanted to write a musical about chess since he was born, but couldn’t figure out a high-stakes plotline. He was really excited when he learned about the Cold War.

2. Tim Rice wanted Andrew Lloyd Webber to help him write a musical about chess, but Andrew Lloyd Webber wanted Tim Rice to help him write a musical about cats. They both called each other fucking morons, and there was an intense stand-off where all the pent-up sexual tension came to a boiling point.

3. Hateful words were exchanged that day, words that were regretted the moment they were said but that could never be taken back, words like “you plagiarized every good bit of music you’ve written,” “you have never written a good lyric,” “your face looks like the word moist.”

4. .Tim Rice next turned to Stephen Sondheim, but Sondheim said he was in the middle of an adaptation of a Kaufman and Hart play with George Furth.

5. As a last resort, Tim Rice met with the Swedish pop group ABBA. Since chess does not exist in Sweden, they thought it was a game of Tim Rice’s own invention.

6. Musicals did not exist in Sweden either. ABBA thought Tim Rice was an eccentric genius inventing a whole new game game and a whole new genre of media just to showcase that game–or  vice versa. They were eager to collaborate.

7. There was a legal dispute over some songs and lyrics that were stolen wholesale from March of the Falsettos such as “I’m Breaking Down” (sung by Florence), “This Had Better Come to a Stop” (sung by every character to Freddie) and, of course, “The Chess Game.” Even though March of the Falsettos wouldn’t be written for another 10 years, the ACLU got involved, and William Finn won.

8. Tim Rice and ABBA got along well, but Tim Rice missed Andrew Lloyd Webber. He longed for the days when they would put on top hats and coattails and stroll down the River Thames, tossing street urchins stale crusts of bread for a shoe shine. But neither would apologize for their words on that fateful day.

9. The book for the musical was turning out to be a major problem. It was not shaping up the way anyone wanted it to. Tim Rice refused to turn to Andrew Lloyd Webber to help. Instead, he sought the aid of  numerous writers including William Goldman, Carrie Fisher, and Edward Norton, none of whom could help. “Go back to Andrew,” Carrie implored, “he misses you.” But there was too much pride at stake.

10. As of today, there are over 1,760 major rewrites and versions of Chess. None of them work.


#unreality cw #Chess: the Musical #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #I don’t go here but ”your face looks like the word moist” is a hell of a line


Solar panels are getting cheap. If you’re like me, then this is all the incentive you need to think about buying solar panels. Sure, there’s a lot of other points that appeal: reducing your dependency on fossil fuels, not leaving free money on the ground, sticking your middle finger in the general direction of the power company. The core rationales for me, though: cheap and new toy. Also, the power company cut me off a few weeks ago. It’d be nice to charge my phone without having to go to the library.

Of course, I don’t exactly own an intact-enough house upon which to put heavy solar panels on the roof of. And, legally, the landlord’s next of kin could figure out where he went to and seize the house along with my panels. So the next best thing was to tek-screw them into the roof of an old Dodge Caravan that I found in the airport parking lot. Insurance doesn’t even blink paying out for thefts from there, and to be honest, anyone with a 1993 Caravan who also engages in long-term international air travel is up to something anyway.

Once the immobilized Caravan had been hooked to my house’s electrical system through a series of illegal and highly dangerous male-male extension cords, I was in business. The sun beat down upon the van, and started to fill up my crappy old phone battery. Excellent!

Unfortunately, that’s where things started to go wrong. You see, my yard is already full of broken cars, which left me with no room for the Caravan. As such, I parked the stricken Dodge in the alley, and had to run the extension cords back from it to my home. The natural place for these cords was underground. With a copious amount of swearing, I pushed them through the trenches that the phone company had abandoned when they fled my neighbourhood.

What I didn’t expect was that the presence of electrical current inside the trenches would soon attract a backhoe. My lights all blinked out, and I came outside to find a group of confused construction workers who had accidentally dug up my previously perfectly good extension cords. It’s for the best, anyway: sooner or later I would have forgotten to unplug the van before moving it, and then we’d have a fire on our hands. The water company cut me off, too.


#unreality cw #storytime #I’m aware that OP is fictional‚ but in all seriousness: #you do not have to resort to a fancy five-digits-expense fixed-address solar setup to charge your phone #a Ryno Tuff 21W camping solar panel costs ninety-five CAD‚ weighs one pound‚ and #can keep *several* phones charged if you rotate them out regularly #there also exist pocket-sized power banks with integrated solar panels‚ which are nice-to-have though I wouldn’t bet my life on the quality #(plus you shouldn’t leave a lithium battery baking in the sun repeatedly anyway‚ because it’ll eventually swell up and burst into flames) #(I have a solar power bank but I’d only use that panel if I were caught without my main panel) #(thus far I’ve never been that desperate‚ so I’ve just been using it as a regular power bank) #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers #PSA #tag rambles #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what


Making new parts is fun. Fixing old parts is less fun. This, in a nutshell, is why at-home fabrication has never been more popular. It turns out if you lock a lot of weirdos inside their houses and tell them that they might die if they talk to another person face-to-face, what they do is immediately go on AliExpress, and type “CNC router” into the little search box. Social scientists are still amazed.

Of course, there are downsides to turning your boring residential home into a scale-miniature version of an actual workplace where trained and experienced professionals work. For one thing, trained and experienced professionals work at a real machine shop instead of an IT department, and as such they have no interest in spending thousands of dollars to run off a crappy bushing adapter at home when they could instead eat dinner, drink a single beer, and think really hard about tolerances.

The other thing is the mess. When you cut up a piece of metal, the shavings don’t just disappear into the ether. What they actually do is turn into a mist of razor-sharp death, which you then cut yourself on a thousand times a week. And don’t think you can clean it up, either: all that swarf will be there when you’ve died of heavy-metal poisoning and your home is passed on to another bunch of suckers. Vacuums can’t touch it, not unless they like to blow out their motor windings, so pro-tier home machinists simply stage an arson when the pile gets too big and move into a new house with the insurance money. Hey, if you tool a little bit of magnesium once in awhile, it’ll be a really pretty fire, too.

Come to think of it, if the fire is big enough, that means you’ll get to buy a whole new set of tools all over again. Which will be really good for the brand new shop layout! No more having to drag heavy tools around because you forgot to put the lathe next to the mill. Which is good: if your friends come over to help you move it, they might breathe on you, and then you’d both die.


#storytime #unreality cw #poison cw #illness tw #death tw #I like the juxtaposition here between ”getting fucked over by breathing metal fragments” and ”getting fucked over by breathing viruses” #very dynomight-better-air-quality-is-the-easiest-way-not-to-die.html


Have you heard that Moderna is testing an even higher dose vaccine now? It’s meant to be the “Omicron version” of the vaccine. They just floored it more. That’s the kind of solution that I would propose. “Use a bigger fucking needle, with more of the good stuff in there.” You have to admire their style.

Folks over at Moderna won’t be happy until it takes you three days to recover from the jab and aerosolized COVID bursts into flames within a 30-meter radius. Just walk directly into the hospital and hear crackling and shrieking from the ECMO ward as the patients remove their masks too early and get a backdraft situation. Walk right up to God and give him back the corpse of his precious virus. Better luck with your next plague, asshole. We knew how to make a number bigger.

Guy stands behind you at the 7-11, gets a little bit too close, breathes on your neck and it just blows his throat open. Headless corpses littered all around the gas station. You’ll be shooting up with Scanners-style boosters between particularly risky visits to Home Depot. Trying to get your range to a full kilometre sitting on the vaccine amplifier. Fuckin’ Professor X, plugged into Moderna’s Cerebro, psychically throwing immunization at the developing world.

Your blood is just incredibly aggressive T-cells, they start disintegrating the sample needles when the WHO kicks down the door looking for the gigavaccine patient zero.

“Oh, you shouldn’t have let it out,” you say as your eyes roll back in your head. Now that it’s loose from the host, it detects traces of other coronaviruses on their feet and legs. Sees the little spikes. Goodbye.

Day Two of containment breach: 100.000000% vaccinated.

Day Three: the T-cells got bored, mutated, and decided to fuck up polio too because it “looks kinda similar.” Average human life expectancy is now 739 years. The earth’s surface is a never-ending roaring hellfire, a Gaian apocalypse. Someone coughs in the subway in Seoul and is immediately reduced to his constituent atoms, mere grist for the immune system.

Moderna stock price goes up nine basis points.


#unreality cw #illness tw #covid19 #vaccines #death tw #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog


You go onto Tumblr

You see a post from @posts-from-a-darker-timeline

You’re momentarily confused because it sounds like a thing that you just read on a news site

You go onto their blog; every single thing that you read, as far back as you can scroll, is just things that have actually happened. There’s posts about vaccine protesters; posts about NFTs; posts about January 6th; posts about the pandemic; about Trump; about Brexit; about fucking Harambe for God’s sake

You look at the notes on each post; a few of them are people panicking like this is news to them; most of them are variants on “Oh shit, I need to look at the blog name!”

You select a random reblogger, and look at their Tumblr; it’s full of happy, well-adjusted people, but you just can’t seem to reblog any of their posts; every time you try, you get a message that you’ve never seen before:

“You are not authorized to share in this content”

You hit the back button, but it takes you back to the top of posts-from-a-darker-timeline

In mounting trepidation, you check to see if there are any new posts

There’s one: a fake(?) tweet from the leader of your country, lamenting the massive loss of life in the freak storm that just hit your city

You put your phone down

You look out the window

In the distance, you hear the wind starting to blow


#storytime #death tw #unreality cw #apocalypse cw #…so what you’re saying is that I get minutes-to-hours-scale advance notice of disasters #(mixed in with some noise about changes to Tumblr’s formatting and other such minor issues‚ but still) #that’s often not enough‚ and it #might turn out not to be enough *this* time in which case I will have no further opportunities to make use of it‚ but… #…like‚ I stand a much better chance of surviving the freak storm now than I would have if I hadn’t read the tweet‚ right? #I don’t have time to evacuate but I’ll get a head start on bunkering down #in the future (if I survive that long)‚ I’ll set up my phone to react to a new posts-from-a-darker-timeline post in a manner #approximating the way it would react to an emergency broadcast #get as many other people as possible to do the same #(the exact details depend on what circumstances allow one to view primeverse Tumblr) #(if we can only get my phone to do it‚ that requires different implementation than if anyone can just point any device at a particular URL) #in fact‚ I should at least dash off a quick post about this immediately‚ in case I *don’t* survive the storm #leave some breadcrumbs for others to investigate #(”you can view primeverse posts but not reblog them” sounds like a job for the fundamental theorem of software engineering) #(can I screenshot them? point a camera at the screen and take a photograph?) #((…honestly‚ ”a friend posts a screenshot of a tweet that hasn’t been written yet and then #immediately dies in the disaster the tweet describes” sounds like a thriller-novel plot hook in itself)) #((maybe I’m just the prologue to *that* story)) #tag rambles #fun with loopholes #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers #story ideas I will never write


Gambling on auto racing is practically unheard of. Horses, yes. Dogs, absolutely. Boats, you bet. NASCAR? Not really. This confused me, until I did a quick web search, and then saw that there were indeed skeezy gambling operations that would take bets on virtually anything under the sun.

This all makes sense. As a bookie, you don’t really care what you are facilitating the betting on, so much as you care that there is a clear winner and a lot of clear losers. It may also be in your best professional interest to not offer betting on things that are considered sacrosanct, such as child beauty pageants, lest the collective anger of society be focussed upon your person.

Autocross, then, is the perfect venue for a bit of money-changing, or at least it would be if anyone bet on it. So, like any other scam, I had to bring in some new blood. Here’s the secret: casinos are full of people who love to gamble, and don’t need much of a push. Certainly it is distasteful, but not particularly illegal, as long as the casino boss doesn’t notice that you are trying to work his flock on his territory. Also, the parking lot is usually full of some really primo mid-1990s Toyotas that are hanging onto life by a thread.

Now, the real secret is to not bet on myself. Although you could argue that this constituted “throwing” an event, investigators soon found that I had no chance in hell of ever getting anywhere close to the top 20 of any event, even those with 19 or fewer competitors. Suckers: through savvy planning and analysis of my foes, I soon made no less than seven dollars profit.


#unreality cw #storytime #gambling #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog



REMINDER: You need at least three different Covid vaccines in you if you want to reach the true ending and fight the Moon Presence.

actually some speedrunners have found you can reach it with just Moderna and Pfizer but you have to skip the Elon Musk fight. Basically if you force him into the corner and spam special attack you can actually clip through the wall and the game doesn’t know what the fuck to do so it just teleports you to the final room and assumes you still have the N95 mask.

This also means you skip the part where Bernie Sanders dies, which makes the Suez Canal level wayyyy easier but accidentally turns the ending cutscene hilarious because Cardi B’s clone talks about how she misses Bernie so much while he’s literally standing right next to her


#I’ve been waiting to find out the brand of my second dose before reblogging this #turned out to be another Pfizer‚ so I can’t use this strat #but hey‚ booster! #covid19 #vaccines #unreality cw #death mention