Ah di teacha And ah spice Every man grab a gyal And every gyal grab a man
Compulsory sexuality right out the gate? Oh, well. I guess this is Dancehall, after all.
Man to man, gyal to gyal – dat’s wrong
A WILD HOMOPHOBIA APPEARS
Seriously, this has nothing to do with the focus of the song. This song isn’t about gays at all. Kartel just felt the need to throw that in there. Why? The world may never know…
To quote @loki-zen: “I really like cake, here’s a song about cake, let me describe the cake, also by the way FUCK THE FRENCH AM I RIGHT so anyway, this cake…”
SCORN DEM
…And, with that line alone, this song becomes my Problematic Fave. It is a work of art.
All when ah night Yuh pussy feel like sun hot
Spice’s Vagina: Approximately 5,500C at the surface.
When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Mek sure yuh know how fi wuk And nah chat yah ah chat
Ah, right, because singing a song about your sexual prowess is totally showing instead of telling.
Hey, mi cocky longa dan mi knife
Kartel, wah di bloodclat mi jus ask you fi do? Didn’t the song just say not to make ridiculous boasts? YOU HAD ONE JOB
Tell mi wah yuh like Yuh wah mi drive or yuh wah fi ride it like a bike
Figure 1.1: Spice And Kartel Having Sex
Well, yuh haffi ram it hard Di cocky nuh fi lie Damage it fi spite
…Well this just got surprisingly kinky. Not sure if it’s SSC, but I’ll let it pass.
Not becah mi pussy tight Suppose mi put it pon di left Can yuh tek it pon di right Mi nipple dem a ripe
Figure 1.2: Spice’s Breasts
Sen it up inna mi tribe What? titty appetite Every nipple get a bite Mi man haffi go see it Mi and him haffi go fight
Oh, great. Just when I thought this couldn’t get better: She has a boyfriend/husband who doesn’t know they’re fucking and is going to be pissed when he sees the hickies on her breasts. Spice & Kartel: Perfect Role-Models.
Cah me haffi wine pon di cocky like dis Kartel spin mi like a satellite dish
…I don’t think you’re supposed to do that to your satellite dishes…
Deal wid yuh breast like mi crushin Irish
Wait, what? Kartel, I get it, we all know that you’re a wannabe Englishman – but what the fuck do you have against the Irish?
Spice I neva love a pussy like dis You ah my mista You ah my miss Kill me wid di cocky Kill me wid di tightness
You two clearly enjoy having a bit too much murder in your sex lives. Maybe you and @inquisitivefeminist would get along after all?
And when you ah come Whispa someting like dis: “I can’t stop fuckin you”
… … …
Is this really the most romantic pillow talk you could come up with? You aren’t even singing it in a vaguely romantic manner!
Hey, cocky nuh play Me will bruk yuh back
Kartel Confirms: Cocks don’t break backs, people with cocks break backs, and people with granite cocks break their backs lifting Moloch to the sky.
When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Me will quint it up two time and pop yuh cock When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Me will mek yuh run out a mi house Inna half ah frock
The Walk of Shame: A Perk of Fucking Kartel.
When yuh come inna mi ramping shop A gyal eva ride pon it and gi yuh heart attack When yuh come inna mi ramping shop
Figure 1.3: Spice’s Vagina
Spice ah you mi love Yuh know how fi do yuh stuff Yuh pussy buff Plus it squeeze like handcuff
Let’s be real: I have seen a lot, but I’m not even sure what kink they’re going for here.
I’m only sure of one thing, really: Kartel could write a pretty interesting Fifty Shades of Grey fan fic.
Kartel ah you mi love See it deh, mi cock it up Fuh yuh ramp ruff Til mi belly cramp up
Stomach Cramps: So Sexeh
Sshhh di climax begun Bear sweat a run Hold mi tight spice Mi feel like mi ah cum
“So, I know that I’m climaxing right now. Ialso feel like I’m coming, but I’m not so sure. How can you tell?”
Mi nah let yuh go So don’t let me done Me two phone a ring and me nah ansa none
In case you’re not sure why she explicitly mentions two phones, it’s the third world equivalent of a rap brag. She is so filthy rich that she can afford not just one but two cellular phones. Two of them! Mobile phones! Bow before her fat stacks, pleb.
And, like, this is a legitimately impressive brag for the target audience. As someone who can see this from both the third world (”Wow, that’s amazing!”) and first world (”…Is that it?”) perspectives, lines like this give me a weird sense of vertigo.
Cah me haffi wine pon di cocky like dis Kartel spin me like a satellite dish Deal wid yuh breast like mi crushing Irish Spice I neva love a pussy like dis You ah my mista You ah my miss Kill me wid di cocky Kill me wid di tightness And when you a come Whispa someting like dis I can’t stop fuckin you
In all seriousness, all of these lines sound more ridiculous on the second run through.
Hey, cocky nuh play Me will bruk yuh back When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Me will quint it up two time and pop yuh cock When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Me will mek yuh run out a mi house Inna half ah frock When yuh come inna mi ramping shop A gyal eva ride pon it and gi yuh heart attack When yuh come inna mi ramping shop
There are so many ways that this is hella dysfunctional, but I’m just gonna leave that there.
Ah di teacha And ah spice Every man grab a gyal And every gyal grab a man Man to man, gyal to gyal – dats wrong SCORN DEM
Fuck the French! SCORN THEM
All when a night Yuh pussy feel like sun hot When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Mek sure yuh know how fi wuk And nah chat yah ah chat
Ooh, maybe he’ll listen to this advice on the second run through?
Cocky nuh play Mi will bruk yuh back
Ha. Ha. Ha.
When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Mi will quint it up two time and pop yuh cock When yuh come inna mi ramping shop Mi will mek yuh run out a mi house Inna half ah frock When yuh come inna mi ramping shop A gyal eva ride pon it and gi yuh heart attack When yuh come inna mi ramping shop
Thank you, Kartel, for clearly and persuasively presenting all the reasons why I don’t want to visit your “ramping shop”. >lesbianism increases
This is a fairly old post, but I still think about this bit a lot:
>>In case you’re not sure why she explicitly mentions two phones, it’s the third world equivalent of a rap brag. She is so filthy rich that she can afford not just one but *two* cellular phones. Two of them! *Mobile* phones! Bow before her fat stacks, pleb.
And, like, this is a legitimately impressive brag for the target audience. As someone who can see this from both the third world (”Wow, that’s amazing!”) and first world (”…Is that it?”) perspectives, lines like this give me a weird sense of vertigo.<<
I thought about this a lot last summer, when I was routinely running a mobile hotspot on one phone and playing Pokemon Go on a second, and I think about it a lot now that I’m routinely using two smartphones both of which *I personally* own (the hotspot one was borrowed from Mom).
Because the thing is, I use multiple phones *because I’m poor*. Richer people can afford a single device good enough to do everything they want it to do, rather than having to network multiple inadequate phones into one functioning system. (the first phone was too low-spec to run Pokemon Go itself, and the second had no cell plan of any kind, let alone data) Richer people don’t care that owning a second device, if used properly, grants an additional ~$0.50 – $1/day income stream, because $1/day is immaterial to them.
And yes, I understand that at the level of poverty the song assumes, the alternative to multiple inadequate phones is a *single* inadequate phone, and just not doing the things it can’t do. (or *zero* phones, though I gather that’s increasingly less common these days) But I still think it’s interesting that “has a single mobile device” can indicate either “poor” or “rich” depending on context. (And I suspect even richer people wrap around another time and start using multiple mobile devices again: at least, *somebody* has to be buying Kindles or they wouldn’t make them. God knows what the *very* rich people are up to.)
#music #nsfw text #death mention #reply via reblog #Brin owns *two* 2010’s computers now #is the blue I see the same as the blue you see #(close enough) #adventures in human capitalism #this post brought to you by helping a semi-homeless friend research cheap high-data-limit plans to stick into their old hand-me-down iPhone #because they’re not putting down enough roots in any location to get home Internet set up #so mobile data and the occasional public Wi-Fi is all they have #(they too have been learning the joys of mobile hotspots) #the relationship between financial position and phone usage can be very complicated indeed #homophobia
Brinens and Things 
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