Anyone else terrified that they are toxic and manipulative and just can’t see it? Or is that just me?
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#tag rambles #TMI #abuse cw #…sort of but not in the way this seems to mean #lately it’s been bothering me a lot that…look #if I had the option of being toxic and manipulative and *chose* not to take it #that would be one thing #but I don’t #because I’m *not smart enough* to successfully manipulate people #it takes a certain kind of cleverness to hurt people and get away with it #that I don’t possess #it sounds weird but it bugs me #even the position ”scum of the earth” is one I could only aspire to #I get so tired sometimes of always being the least terrifying person in the room #but also: #if you can be terrifying enough to scare people into submission and not know it #then you don’t get to take any sort of pleasure in that capacity #not even the twisted power-tripping kinds of pleasure #perhaps the people who’ve hurt me *weren’t even enjoying themselves* #perhaps they *still believed* they could-only-aspire-to-scumbag #zero-sum situations are bad and all #but it’s negative-sum that most chills me deep down #that I might have hurt people and *not even benefited from it* #an interaction that nothing good came out of at all #not even good things at somebody else’s expense #I wonder if I’ve ever been in a fight that both sides believed they’d lost #I wonder if any of the people I am haunted by are haunted by me #neither of us ever getting even the visceral satisfaction of knowing the blow struck
Brinens and Things 