{{Title link: http://deeperforme.blogspot.it/2016/03/im-changing-my-major-to-kink.html }}
Oh my god last night. Oh my god, ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod last night…
I’ve lost my virginity three times: Once when a woman touched me, with intent, for the first time (my first intercourse, only a week or two later, is almost an afterthought in my memory); once when I pinned a submissive girlfriend to the carpet and first saw that look in her eyes; and once when I hypnotized someone for the first time. After each one, the world changed.
…
Read on for my pre-NEEHU opus, about fighting programming that says it’s wrong to spend all this time, money and energy pursuing kinky sex. I put in video clips and quotes!
If we’re friends…
If you follow me…
If you read one thing about kink…
If you care about joy and love and living free from fear….
Read this.On embracing something joyous. :)
“Opening yourself up to desire and passion takes courage. Makes you silly and vulnerable, like Alison in her underpants. My friend has a line about how much safer it is just to fantasize alone in the dark – besides the obvious risks of going out and doing things, you also risk having your cherished masturbation fantasies touched by disappointment, embarassment, sadness, all the complications that come with doing things with real people, in the real world.
The upside? Having my wildest dreams come true.”
…I honestly can’t tell if there’s something wrong with this post, or if it just caught me at a really bad time.
When I talk about losing my taste for mind-control-as-such and focusing more on the sedation aspect, I describe it as uncovering something buried under desperation and ignorance of other options. I still think that’s true, but today (just today, literally a few hours ago) it occurred to me there might be something else to it as well.
It’s also more convenient. When all I had were tales of mind control and people telling me it couldn’t be done, I was most attracted to the most common type of porn. Now that I know a great deal of it can be done, I’m most attracted to the safest acts.
Perhaps that’s not entirely a coincidence. Perhaps my reaction to learning my wildest dreams could come true was to stop having wildest dreams. My dreams are tamer, these days. Oh, the thought of partnered sex still scares me, but it’s nothing compared to the terror I’d feel at wanting to enact that.
I don’t like this theory. I don’t like the way it carries the implication that the way I am now is wrong. I’m happier now than I was, more hopeful now than I was, and it feels more right and true. I neither want nor want-to-want to play in the deep end of the proverbial pool: I like sticking to the shallows. Is that wrong? If my not wanting-to-want it is at all a factor, even partially and subconsciously, in my not wanting it, does that change the answer?
(I keep thinking of those people who say you haven’t lived until you’ve done psychedelics (and risked coming back wrong), that the simplistic highs of sedatives are not and should not be enough. I wish I were confident enough to tell that idea to fuck off. I wish I were not so worried that telling the idea to fuck off would be the wrong move.)
Tags:
#sorry Divney #pretty sure this isn’t a response you were looking for #sexuality and lack thereof #I have tried to polish this thought process from its original form into #something comprehensible to people who aren’t me #don’t know to what extent I succeeded #TMI
Brinens and Things 