Things I’ve always wondered

zionistsaturnoutpost:

manyspirks:

swanjolras:

eshusplayground:

  1. A gentile vampire turns a promising Torah scholar into a vampire. Is the scholar still permitted to study Torah? Are they still under the yoke of the mitzvot? How does vampirism impact observant Jewish practice? Are they still Jewish, or are they apostates? Would it be permissible for the scholar to turn other people into vampires to cure them of terminal illnesses?
  2. To what degree are Jewish werewolves morally responsible for their actions while under the influence of the full moon? What must they do if they eat treyf in their wolf form?
  3. If, for some reason, we must leave earth for another inhabitable planet on the other side of the galaxy, what do we do about holidays and observing Shabbat? Would we go by earth time or local time? What if this planet has no moon or more than one moon? How would we face Jerusalem to pray?
  4. Can aliens convert to Judaism? If so, does it only apply to humanoid aliens like the greys, or would reptilian aliens and ilithids be able to convert too?
  5. Can sentient machines like the Terminator convert to Judaism? What about Agents from The Matrix?
  6. Speaking of The Matrix, are we still obligated to obey the mitzvot even if we are literally brains in jars or living in a simulated reality created by computer programs? What happens if we’re freed and whatever basis for our Jewish identity we had is no longer present or certain. Are we still Jews? Do we still have a covenant?

speaking with my minimal scholarly experience but also opening this up for all jews to contribute:

1. i don’t see any reason why such a promising torah scholar shouldn’t be allowed to continue to study torah, but practicing judaism would be difficult: blood of all animals is probably treyf, and blood of humans is definitely treyf, so a jewish vampire would have to break mitzvot on a nearly constant basis to survive. however under pikuach nefesh i feel like were the vampire literally about to die, they could consume human or animal blood. therefore a jewish vampire would have to live in a state of starvation at all times, which would probably have a fascinating impact on his torah study.

2. a shoteh is not held responsible for their actions by human or divine courts. maimonides defines a shoteh as any mentally unstable person – for our purposes, a jewish werewolf in wolf form can probably be seen as under the influence of mental instability, and is not responsible for their actions under the law.

3. this is fascinating because when we face jerusalem in america, we face east – even though, physically speaking, jerusalem is somewhere under us, on the other side of the globe. for this reason i’m inclined to avoid the obvious answer, “face earth”. perhaps it would be possible to face, in general, the stars? going by “earth time” seems logistically impossible, since earth has 24 separate times. i think this will be a separate issue for every planet.

4. we are already a reptilian alien race, this question is moot.

5. if robots cannot convert to judaism i am quitting. more seriously: this seems like a good place for the analogy of the four children: the simple robot asks, “what is all this”, i.e., judaism, and you download information about it into his database; the wicked robot asks, “what does all this mean to you,” i.e., humans, and you reply, “we are doing a human thing; if you were a human, you would not be part of it, either”; the wise robot asks, “can you please explain the laws and customs of judaism to me, fellow sentients” and you do so and allow him to convert if he wishes it; and the robot who does not know enough to ask a question does not pass the turing test, so the point is moot.

6. oh yeah, we’d totally still be jews! it’s like finding out for sure there’s no god – maybe it’s gonna stop some people from practicing judaism, but not most of us.

@jewishrey this is relevant to your interests i believe

In re question #3, we have developed an app that calculates the relative location of Yerushalayim for all zmanim for our residents depending on their location. Occasionally this results in prayer being conducted facing downward or upward. Zmanim are determined by LST (local Saturn time).


Tags:

#Judaism #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(”we are already a reptilian alien race. this question is moot.”)

femmeprince:

lalaithion:

kuklarusskaya:

geeofficerkrupke:

One time, the Queen of England decided to knight a loyal member of her country who happened to be Jewish. 

This man knew that knights were supposed to say something in Latin as the Queen knighted them, but didn’t remember the line, so he quickly said “ma nishtana halaila hazeh micol haleilot”

This, of course, confused the Queen, who turned to her advisor and asked “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

GROAAANNN

this is one of the best jewish jokes I have possibly ever heard

Passover is coming up soon so I thought I’d bring this back.

@chroniclesofrettek I’m sure you have heard this one before. But it seemed right to tag you.


Tags:

#Judaism #Passover #…oh dear god #puns

sinesalvatorem:

@ilzolende​ and I were discussing linguistic sound change. I mentioned I’d read that ת (tav) has gone from ‘th’ in Biblical Hebrew to ‘t’ in Modern Hebrew and ‘s’ for some Ashkenazim; while ב (bet) and ו (vav) merge for (some) Sephardim, because of Spanish b/v merger.

Which eventually led to this story:


The Gileadites encamped at the Jordan and waited to slaughter the retreating Ephraimites. To distinguish them, they asked all comers to say ‘shibboleth’, because the Ephraimites could not pronounce the /sh/ phoneme and instead said it as /s/.

Gileadite 1: …So then you kill anyone who mispronounces ‘shibboleth’. Understood?

Gileadite 2: Understood.

(Modern) Israeli: Shalom!

Gileadite 2: Hey, we’re testing nationality. Say ‘shibboleth’.

Israeli: Uh, OK. ‘shibbolet’?

Gileadite 2: …u wot, mate?

Israeli: I said ‘shibbolet’, just like you asked.

Gileadite 2: Um, wrong, I guess. *slash*

Gileadite 1: No no no! That wasn’t an Ephraimite! That was a… Weirdo. Anyway, we’re just killing people who say /s/, dude. Listen for a /s/.

Gileadite 2: OK, got it.

Ashkenazi: Shalom!

Gileadite 2: Hey, we’re testing nationality. Say ‘shibboleth’.

Ashkenazi: Oy vey, what is this ‘shibboles’ thi-

Gileadite 2: *slash*

Gileadite 1: NO! We’re checking if they say /s/ at the beginning, man! The beginning!

Gileadite 2: Make up your MIND.

[One diversity training session later]

Gileadite 2: *sigh* OK. Sibboleth: Kill. Shibboleth: Let through. Shibbolet or Shibboles: Turn away. That’s everyone, right?

Gileadite 1: Yep. Good luck!

Sephardi: Shalom!

Gileadite 2: Hey, we’re testing nationality. Say ‘shibboleth’.

Sephardi: Um, why ‘shivolet’?

Gileadite 2: *throws down sword* Fuck it, I QUIT.

Shibbolef?


Tags:

#language #fun wif forn fronting

sinesalvatorem:

@lethriloth: (Expected delivery tomorrow, which may be Too Late to help with the paper, but will be in time to help with almost everything else?)

Me: That’s good-ish.

Me: *crosses fingers*

Me: *realises she’s Jewish*

Lethriloth: … Oh of course that’s a Christian thing

Me: *starts writing a long essay, with numerous citations, arguing for why G-d should make this work out*

I’ve tried making a Star of David with my hands. It’s…never gone very well.


Tags:

#Judaism #reply via reblog

Further Jewish Bus Stop Adventures

sinesalvatorem:

Yesterday, while waiting for the bus, I listened to some music. Certain songs feel good to me in a way that makes listening to them a lot like stimming, so I’ll often play them on repeat. Yesterday I played Sheyn Vi Di Levone, as covered by Gevolt. I closed my eyes and hummed along quietly.

Or, at least, I thought I did. About 20 minutes later I was headbanging while singing loudly in Yiddish. I know this because a piece of snow fell from the top of the bus stop and landed in my hair, snapping me out of it. Then I looked around and everyone was staring.

Me: “Why are you staring?”

Guy: “We just listened to you summon demons from beyond time by screaming in a dreadful and most ancient tongue.”

Me: “Oh, shit. I was singing out loud, wasn’t I?”

Guy: “That was singing? You weren’t loudly declaring your intention to kill us all while choking on the bones of small children?”

Me: “Well, I was singing in Yiddish, so it probably sounded that way…”

Guy: “Yiddish? As in that Jewish language? So, was that a prayer to bring on the apocalypse? Cuz if so, I would appreciate five days notice to convert. What’s the name of your death chant, anyway?”

Me: “Sheyn vi di Levone.”

Guy: “Does that mean ‘vengeful rivers of blood’?”

Me: “Nah, you’re thinking of Passover. ‘Sheyn vi di Levone’ means ‘as beautiful as the moon’. It’s a love song.”

Guy: “…Dude, if that’s what your love songs are like, I understand why you only marry each other.”


Tags:

#Judaism #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

sinesalvatorem:

Sam: You’re sweet

Alison: You’re sweeter, honey.

Sam: I will accept your corny endearments tonight

Alison: What, so now you’re comparing me to high-fructose corn syrup? Sweet, but unhealthy? :p

Sam: I knew you’d go there

Sam: Puns everywhere

Sam: All over the carpet

Alison: Oooh, I can’t wait to make a bad pun during Passover and then tell Kelsey “It’s totally fine for *Sephardim* to pay corny compliments during Pesach.” :p

Sam: And you are going to save it for months

Alison: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss

Sam: And inflict it on a poor, unsuspecting Kelsey

Alison: Indeed. I am a terrible girlfriend.


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #puns #Judaism

sinesalvatorem:

I know almost no Jews irl (family excepted). I know a lot of LW Tumblr people. LW Tumblr is disproportionately Jewish, but also selects strongly for other traits, so sometimes it’s easy to conflate them.

The other day, someone said Jews have boring sex lives, and I thought “But aren’t we all super kinky???”


Tags:

#Judaism #sexuality and lack thereof #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog