boxfivebaritone:

wrench-wench:

soryualeksi:

green-tea-and-baby-carrots:

lycanthropuns:

icanhelpyouthere:

icanhelpyouthere:

Headcanon that McGonagall is offended on a personal level that Umbridge loves cats. 

This literally got 600 more notes just while I was at dinner what the fuck

How has nobody thought about this before tbh

Ok but imagine McGonagall in cat form prowling around the castle, in strategically chosen places so that Umbridge will come across her. 

Umbridge takes the cat back to her office and feeds it a little saucer of milk. The cat starts coming back to Umbridge’s office around the same time every night, until eventually Umbridge gets into a little routine of setting out a saucer of milk for the cat before bed. 

McGonagall now has all the best secrets on Umbridge, all of the results of the evaluations, and most importantly, is in a perfect position to spy on the ministry for the Order of the Phoenix. 

All because Umbridge is obsessed with cats.

The mental image McGonagall lapping up that milk while full of burning hatred for Umbridge amuses me in ways I can hardly describe.

 

aaronechoes


Tags:

#Harry Potter #my past self has good taste #in the usual sense of the tag

elennare asked: First, I wanted to say that I love love love your Harry Potter fics and what-ifs! thank you so much for writing them :) And I also wondered if you ever written what if the Dursleys had refused to take Harry in?

ink-splotch:

When Petunia Dursley refused to take Harry in she forfeited his birthright protection, so Dumbledore took the baby to the safest place he knew: Hogwarts.

The applicable staff (mostly just… not Snape) took Harry in on a rotating schedule as he grew from baby to toddler to child. They traded extra credit for babysitting among the older students, and Harry grew up knowing a few dozen different laps that were safe and warm to nap in.

This was a Harry who grew up among books, among old transient walls and learned professors. They gave Binns night duty sometimes, and let him talk young Harry to sleep. This was a Harry whose world changed, on principle, daily. The stairs moved. The walls became doors. You had to keep your eyes open–you had to pay attention. So he did.

He grew up in a school. Knowledge was power, but knowledge was also joy. This was his sanctuary. There was magic in his world from birth.

“The castle will keep him safe,” said Dumbledore, when McGonagall came into his office to complain for the eighth time about Albus’s rather cavalier take on child-rearing. “That’s what it does.”

Then why do we bother with chaperones ever,” McGonagall said, tempted to shriek it. “Should we let all the children run about willy-nilly at all hours, or just the orphan waifs?!

“He’s not a student. He’s a ward of Hogwarts. It will take care of him, Minerva.”

McGonagall walked off fuming. A cat with spectacle markings followed Harry almost constantly from ages three through four. At some point McGonagall was far enough behind on her paperwork, and had seen enough suits of armor carry the kid back to his room, enough draperies lift off the wall and tug Harry away from edges, and enough stairs creakingly shift their slope for his tiny toddler legs. She gave a grumpy sigh, stole some of Albus’s lemon drops, and resigned herself to a magical world.

The Grey Lady, the ghost of Ravenclaw Tower, didn’t really like boys but she liked children. She especially liked patience, and politeness, and Harry had been raised by McGonagall’s stern table manners, by Victorian portraiture and quite a few House Elves. He said please, thank you, and ma’am, and as a child he was very cunning in how he got bedtime stories and bedtime snacks out of most every adult he met.

The Grey Lady told the best stories, you see, the ones with riddles in them. You had to think and ask questions to get all the way through them. So he hunted her down with big patient eyes and plates of very smelly cheese, and she told him stories that made him think.

When Harry was stable enough on his feet to walk, and then to run, Sir Cadogan would race him through the castle, the knight scattering banquet tables and galloping across landscapes, twisting through the abstract gallery up on the seventh and a half floor. Harry stumbled and sprinted up stairways and didn’t notice for years the way Cadogan waited at the end of corridors for him to catch up.

Harry was a chubby-legged toddler, in this world–cute cheeks and stubby limbs. It’s a cute image, yes– but this is important. He was a chubby kid. He ate in a high chair on the teacher’s dais, getting peas and mashed potatoes on the adults beside him– Sprout laughed. Snape didn’t.

But this is important–Harry filled his plate. He wobbled up on little legs and grabbed biscuits from the table, slurped his soup, got marinara sauce on his chin and forehead and somehow behind his ear. When he was hungry, he ate. If he snuck down to the kitchens at night, it was for the adventure of it and nothing else. When he was hungry, he ate.

When he was four, they started letting him go sit down with the students. Bill Weasley, on route to be a prefect next year, took him under his wing and scrubbed his face down after meals. Harry was passed around the Hufflepuff table; theirs was the House Common Room he most liked sneaking into, with its barrels and cozy warmth. Nymphadora Tonks turned her nose a dozen different shapes to make Harry laugh, gurgling, as a toddler (and then a child) (and then for the rest of her life, honestly–it never stopped being funny).

The whole Ravenclaw table got distracted from meals, trying to solve riddles from a book one of their Muggleborns had smuggled in.Harry pushed his fork through his gravy, trying to draw out his thoughts but only making squiggles.

It was years before Harry sat at the Slytherin table for the first time–no one had ever set him down there, like they had with the others. But he liked green–it was the color of Professor Sprout’s greenhouses, where he went and napped sometimes in winter. It was the color of his mother’s eyes, from the little book of moving pictures Hagrid had given him when he was three.

All the Slytherin kids seemed big, but everyone Harry ever met seemed big–except for Flitwick, who was seeming smaller with every growth spurt. He leaned forward, teetering on the bench, and grabbed a chicken drumstick. “Hi,” he said, because he’d had a childhood full of tea parties with high portrait society– the French nobility and the tired housewife from the third floor and an old witch with her sleeve on fire but very particular table manners. “I’m Harry. What’s your name?”

By the end of the meal, they were flicking peas across the table with their spoons, like catapult projectiles. Harry had been unwelcome in so few places in his life, after he’d left 4 Privet Drive, that he simply didn’t expect it. He asked Warrington, a Slytherin with shoulders like a bulldog’s, to help him with the juice, which was too unwieldy for his kid-sized wrists. Harry sat there blinking, smiling, until Warrington took the jug and poured him a brimming glass.

Keep reading


Tags:

#Harry Potter #fanfic #recs #dear god #forty minutes well spent

lb-lee:

rampaigehalseyface:

thranduilland:

our-forelsket:

msrmoony:

Harry Potter au where Harry didn’t lose being a parsletongue and Albus buys a snake as a pet one year because snakes are cool and one day just walks in on Harry and the snake having a deep conversation

Albus is 17 and loses his virginity in his room and forgets the snake talks to his dad and when Harry gets home the snake is all like OH MY GOSH YOU’D NEVER GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHAT HAPPENED

Whatever happens, don’t let Harry name the fucking snake! He’d probably name it Basilisk Nagini

Harry takes his family on a trip around South America where he asks around until he finds the descendants of the snake from the zoo. He congratulates the snake family on their grandfather’s return home and they all toast his memory, while Ginny and the kids look on in confusion at Harry hissing with a whole treeful of snakes.

I would read fic about the future of that boa constrictor.


Tags:

#Harry Potter #not being particularly bullshit atm

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thessalies:

so much fiction about the angst of immortality and just fuck that i want to live forever i want to build a house on mars and have sex in space and watch first contact on the news and i want to see how much better we can get as a species and i want to learn how to play every instrument and speak every language and i want to learn how hardcore cosplayers make those impressive sets of armor and i want to watch all the tv that will ever be made and i want to learn every weird science fact and i want to get married 50 times and i want to survive into an age where science will finally figure out how to fix my sensory issues and cure all mental illness and even if eventually all the suns die and i’m left immortally alone in a dark cold void for all eternity that would be fine i would just write fanfic in my head i could keep myself amused, it would be worth it

mostly though i want to know what happens

 

thessalies:

incidentally, none of this would be impeded by vampirism, so, stop whining lestat

 

slashmarks:

I was always so frustrated as a kid by how vampires in fiction never did anything cool with immortality and I kind of made up a whole fiction world based around them actually doing shit

 

cyborgbutterflies:

If I could, I would definitely become a vampire and start (consensually) spreading vampirism to others.

 

theunitofcaring:

cyborgbutterflies you have read Luminosity and Radiance, right? Because everyone should but especially anyone interested in a book in which Bella Swan decides it’s a moral obligation to overthrow the Volturi so she can vampirize anyone who is interested, and then does it.

 

brin-bellway:

#I’ve read Luminosity#it was very well-written and engaging#and I found it very refreshing to see a narrative that viewed immortality as a valid goal#after growing up on Harry Potter’s bullshit#(they *tell* you all this crap about how ‘death is just the next step’ and Flamel still chose to die)#(and yet they *show* you that Flamel chose to die after over *six hundred years*)#(given the opportunity to set his own lifespan he made it several times longer than what he would have had otherwise)#(but I don’t get the impression we were supposed to read between those lines)#(the lines we’re *supposed* to read between are more the timelines of Voldemort’s life)#(he died his final death less than halfway through the life expectancy of a wizard)#(chasing immortality made him die *sooner*)

 

comparativelysuperlative:

Even worse than that, though. Flamel’s age at the time of the first book,a few years older than the historical Flamel would have been in 1991 so it isn’t coincidence, was six hundred sixty-five. The guy who comes closest to immortality gets handed a number just shy of a certain other well-known number. Almost as if the author wants to tell us something. Depending on how much time is enough to set his affairs in order, she might be being even less subtle about the moral status of immortality.


Tags:

#… #…oh dear #Harry Potter #oh look an update #I just got a pop-up notification that justice-turtle reblogged the previous version from me #sorry about the cross-posting JT

theunitofcaring:

cyborgbutterflies:

slashmarks:

thessalies:

thessalies:

so much fiction about the angst of immortality and just fuck that i want to live forever i want to build a house on mars and have sex in space and watch first contact on the news and i want to see how much better we can get as a species and i want to learn how to play every instrument and speak every language and i want to learn how hardcore cosplayers make those impressive sets of armor and i want to watch all the tv that will ever be made and i want to learn every weird science fact and i want to get married 50 times and i want to survive into an age where science will finally figure out how to fix my sensory issues and cure all mental illness and even if eventually all the suns die and i’m left immortally alone in a dark cold void for all eternity that would be fine i would just write fanfic in my head i could keep myself amused, it would be worth it

mostly though i want to know what happens

incidentally, none of this would be impeded by vampirism, so, stop whining lestat

I was always so frustrated as a kid by how vampires in fiction never did anything cool with immortality and I kind of made up a whole fiction world based around them actually doing shit

If I could, I would definitely become a vampire and start (consensually) spreading vampirism to others.

cyborgbutterflies you have read Luminosity and Radiance, right? Because everyone should but especially anyone interested in a book in which Bella Swan decides it’s a moral obligation to overthrow the Volturi so she can vampirize anyone who is interested, and then does it.


Tags:

#transhumanism #vampires #recs #I’ve read Luminosity #it was very well-written and engaging #and I found it very refreshing to see a narrative that viewed immortality as a valid goal #after growing up on Harry Potter’s bullshit #(they *tell* you all this crap about how ‘death is just the next step’ and Flamel still chose to die) #(and yet they *show* you that Flamel chose to die after over *six hundred years*) #(given the opportunity to set his own lifespan he made it several times longer than what he would have had otherwise) #(but I don’t get the impression we were supposed to read between those lines) #(the lines we’re *supposed* to read between are more the timelines of Voldemort’s life) #(he died his final death less than halfway through the life expectancy of a wizard) #(chasing immortality made him die *sooner*) #anyway enough ranting #I need to finish Radiance someday #death tw


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prongsmydeer:

What she says: I’m fine

What she means: How do the owls in Harry Potter work? Can they read the addresses on the envelopes or do you have verbally communicate the name of the recipient for them to understand? Does this mean that Voldemort could have found Harry Potter years earlier by just sending him a letter at the right time and following it? Are owls more powerful magical trackers than Voldemort?


Tags:

#Harry Potter #yes this #never got that far in that particular train of thought before #but still #I’m reminded of watching the Twilight movie #and that scene where Edward is listing off what the other people in the restaurant are thinking #and it’s like #’sex sex sex money sex cat’ #and I’m like #’what none of them are contemplating the psychological coping mechanisms of Piper’s Children?’ #’that’s what *I’d* be thinking about’

comparativelysuperlative:

Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

OK, but why in the wizarding world would a map of the London Underground come in handy? The guy can teleport; he definitely doesn’t need this for transportation.

You heard it here first: Dumbledore plays Mornington Crescent.


Tags:

#Harry Potter #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

Werewolf McWerewolf

miraniel:

So I know we’re always complaining about Lupin and how it’s ridikulus for someone not born a werewolf to be named freaking “Guy-raised-by-wolf John Wolf-like” but, like, there’s a simple explanation no one ever talks about. 

It’s a freaking assumed name.

Think about it. Remus was a little kid when he got attacked. It would have been all over the papers at the time. It’s in the papers later when another kid gets attacked by Greyback in HBP. So it would ruin everything if Lupin turned up at Hogwarts his first year only to have some wizard-born prat (*cough cough Snape*) say “Lupin? I know that name from somewhere” and go looking through old Daily Prophets. 

Dumbledore was probably like “Why don’t you pick a new name?” and this little shit future Marauder went “Hmm, I’ll go for something subtle.”


Tags:

#Harry Potter #… #headcanon accepted

thelethifoldwitch:

Question: Why can one not Finite Incantatem death when it has been magically caused?

Finite works on most things, does it not? Undoes a Transfiguration, undoes enchantments, charms, hexes, jinxes, at least to a point. Where Finite does not work there is a counter curse, counter jinx, counter spell in some form.

Question: Why is there no such thing for Avada Kedavra?

Because, you see, if there was, it would not truly be death. Death is not an effect, it is a state of being. To kill the soul must be torn from the body, and how can that be undone? A soul torn free must pass on, or linger as a fragmented ghost of memory, and a soul  torn free cannot return to the body.

Death, you see, is not an effect. It is a state of being. It can be held off, but when it arrives, and we each of us shuffle off this mortal coil, it is final.

— Excerpt from Revised Dark Arts: Theory of the Dark by Oscar Jefferson.

(Image Source)

Ah, wizard separatism. Dude needs to talk to some Muggles about resuscitation.

(Well, I suppose this might be set in a time before Muggles started figuring out some of the more basic death-reversals, but this is the sort of thing that even a modern-day wizard separatist might say.)


Tags:

#Harry Potter #my father was dead once #he got better