#art #cats #adorable #domesticity #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #food #fire #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#this happened to me once #I walk out of the pharmacy and out of the corner of my eye there’s a car trying to get my attention #statistically‚ someone trying to get my attention while I’m walking down the street is almost certainly wanting to insult my respirator #I studiously ignore him‚ and when I find that we’re going the same direction I deliberately take a left even though my home is to the right #once I’ve lost him‚ I turn around and I see him driving away #and it’s my dad’s license plate #turns out he was offering me a ride home #(and he was so caught up in the euphoria of this) #(that for like a minute he lived in a world where ableism didn’t exist) #tag rambles #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #sexism cw #embarrassment squick #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what
i can literally always make more blood. renewable resource. NOT sharing it would be so selfish on my part. there’s no justification for it.
you know damn well.
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #vampires #blood #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #scrupulosity cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
There is a forbidden type of magic out there. It isn’t forbidden because it’s inherently evil, or forces you to lose your humanity, or requires human sacrifices – it’s just forbidden because it’s annoying as heck to fight against.
“Ma’am, I really must insist that you pay for the room and board I’ve been giving you! It’s been a week!”“Fine, fine,” I grumble. “I have a few options for payment: I could give you paper money, cheap gaudy jewelry, chocolate coins, spiders, some pretty seashells-”
“Spiders????” he repeats, baffled.
“Spiders it is, then,” I agree equitably, and with a wave of my hand the bed I’ve been sleeping in for the last week turns into a writhing mass of various spiders.
Worth it.
—
“Stop right there! You’re under arrest for fraud, destruction of property, and-!”
I yawn. “Didn’t ask, don’t care.” A few gestures, and the guards’ swords are all transmuted into spiders, and then they’re too busy to worry about little ol’ me.
—
“You have insulted my honor and humiliated me in front of my children! I demand satisfaction! I demand a wizard’s duel!”
Shrugging, I say, “Sure, okay, whatever. Right here and now okay?”
The pompous wizard-noble blinks. “I- you don’t want to prepare? Get your wizard’s staff or anything?”
“Nah, I’m pretty good with somatic gestures.”
“Well, if you’re sure… here and now then! Have at you!” He slams his staff down on the ground dramatically, a small shockwave of fire radiating out from the impact.
So of course, I turn his staff into spiders.
“AHHHH WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK”
“So if you’re too busy screaming to cast spells, does that mean I win?”
“AUGH ONE OF THEM BIT ME”
“I’m taking that as a yes.”
—
After that, they start coming at me in waves, with cheap wands and staves and swords and bows bought in bulk, hoping to exhaust my magical reserves so they can get close enough to put a magic inhibitor on me.
They did not expect my reserves to be as vast as they were, not did they expect me to be able to transmute the inhibitors themselves into spiders.
“Didn’t you take Magic Basics in wizard college?” I yell at the panicking mages. “Inhibitors aren’t immune to magic until the moment they activate! Serious weak point in the design, tell your magitechnicians to fix that!”
—
So of course they try assassins next.
Poison fails, because I transmute any food and drink I get into spiders and then transmute them back. Pretty easy way to get rid of poison.
So then they try knives in dark alleys. The knives bruise through my full-body spider-silk outfit, but do not penetrate, and they only get one shot before they have bigger problems.
Next is killing me in my sleep. None live to report back that the human-shaped lump under the blankets is actually a mass of highly venomous spiders.
The kingdom throws everything it has at me, and I continue to walk away, heralded by the chittering of spiders and the screams of everyone else.
—
Finally, I stand before the king himself in his overly opulent throne room, and by now he is a broken shell of a man in the face of my unorthodox tactics.
Good.
“What do you want?” he practically sobs. “You’ve singlehandedly redirected the entire crown’s budget for the next three years into replacing every weapon you’ve turned into spiders. Much more and we’ll be invaded by our neighbors! We wouldn’t be able to resist being annexed! So what can I give you to make you stop doing this?!”
I pause and pretend to consider, tapping a finger against my chin thoughtfully. “You know, you sent my brother off to war a few years back. That conflict with the Yughs up north, I believe. He didn’t want to go, so your guards forced him at spearpoint. I haven’t seen him since.”
He seizes on that, as I expected. “Yes, yes, I’ll have him returned right away! Tell me his name and I’ll honorably release him from duty and have him escorted safely home!”
“Oh?” I raise one sardonic eyebrow. “Are you able to bring back the dead now, oh wise and glorious king?”
He pales, and it’s the most satisfying thing I’ve seen in years.
“You have nothing I want,” I growl, letting the anger slip through for the first time in years. “You cannot bring him back, you cannot make up for my loss with all the riches in your kingdom. The only thing I want is to take everything from you, the way you did to me. Your kingdom will bleed out of resources, one of the neighboring countries you’ve been trying to conquer for decades now will take advantage and annex this place, and you will either be executed or forced to work for a living for the first time in your life.”
I glare at him, and he refuses to meet my eyes. “You will lose everything you ever cared about in your life. One spider at a time.”
I transmute his throne and crown into spiders (non-deadly; he doesn’t get to escape my wrath that easily), then turn and walk away, ignoring his screams and sobs.
—
And that’s why, when the Yughs finally annexed the kingdom I grew up in, they preemptively made Transarachnomancy a forbidden magical art. Not sure how they intend to enforce that, mind, but I’m not looking to challenge that. I’ve gotten what I wanted; if some other aspiring mage wants to try and follow in my footsteps, that’s not my problem.
Besides, in terms of magical skill, I’ve always been an outlier anyway. Most mages would be lucky to turn just one knife into a spider at a time; I can turn ten thousand with a few gestures. I doubt anyone will outdo my legacy.
But hey, if you want to try and surpass Georgia of the Spiders? Feel free. I’ll welcome the competition.
#that moment of dawning comprehension at ”I’ve always been an outlier anyway” #storytime #spiders #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Spiders Georg #murder cw? #death tw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
sorry about the different-sized fonts idk what I’m doing 😎✌
Tags:
#I will be keeping an eye out for more of this book #out of context quotes #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #vampires #embarrassment squick #death tw #murder cw #violence cw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#turtles #adorable #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
One time my rabbi told us, “imagine you had a box with a little bit of god in it. What would you do with the box?”
So we were like ?? “We’d protect it and keep it nice and clean and polished” and he was like “your body’s that box. Stop eating markers”
Every time I come across this post the last sentence smacks me in the face
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Judaism #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #poison cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #overly literal interpretations #art #comics #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
i like that you girls like to see boys kissing cause im bisexual so i want to kiss boys and also want to be attractive to women, but i dont actually want to be in one of your sexual fantasies cause bad things happen to those guys, does that make sense?
zoe fantasies perfec t place for put boy in to! inside very Soft and Comfort boy kiss sweetly put boy in zoe fantasies. Put Boyy In Zoe fantasies. no problems ever in Zoee fantasies because good Safe and Supportive for boy sex. Azoe Fantasy yes a place for a boy put boy in zoe fantasy can trust zoe for giveing good love to boy. friend zoe
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#sexuality and lack thereof #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #inside *is* very Soft and Comfort‚ you have to admit #nsfw text? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
I captures these frames from this set of (amazing) opening titles for Big Brother UK, if you want to take a closer look: https://vimeo.com/292127899
John says: “This is pretty funny. The code is from the Linux kernel groups.c file which is used on the Hacker Typer website where you can pretend to be a cool programmer by typing ridiculously fast: https://hackertyper.com/”
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#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(also I went to that website and it’s even funnier) #(very hackinginprogress.gif) #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Brinens and Things 