An Actual Real Person my Dad knew. Pretty sure he worked as a bush guide. When someone asked the time he’d pull off his hat – some kind of broad brim – and use to take a few measurements of the sun’s position relative to the horizon. Then he’d declare the time.
i would never work as a gothic heroine which is a shame because i’ve got the looks for it but the firm presence of mind to gtfo from anything unpleasant
ruined aristocrat who has a dark reputation spoken about only in whispers: May we speak alone for a moment?
me, Aware of things: No thank you, we’ve only just met. My aunt is my chaperone and a lovely conversationalist. Please do come and discuss her seventeen dogs
he keeps trying to grab my waist but everytime he leans over me my enormous hat knocks him right in the jaw
he keeps struggling to pull me up but he steps on my dress every two seconds
he lifts my arms over my head and tries to jiggle me into sitting up on my knees but i just looked like a squashed horse stuffed into a dress like :p
he tries to take me by my leg but i just flop back down and my petticoats are silk and therefore very slippery
eventually he gets fed up and calls a stableboy over and the stableboy tries to take me up by my head, yanking at me at the neck, and then my passionate possessive lover is like “no you little idiot! here take one of her feet” and dashes over to take me by the arms but as he leans over my enormous hat knocks him in the jaw
they’re trying to slowly drag me over to his carriage but all of the townspeople have stepped out of their houses and shops
people are slowly looking out of their carriages like “what the fuck?”
meanwhile the stableboy has his grip on my leg and the passionate possessive lover is carrying me by my arms like a ragdoll with his head thrown back so he doesn’t get knocked in the jaw again by my enormous hat and my derrière is skidding against the dirt making a lady-shaped line from one end of the street to the next
“This is not very elegant,” my possessive ex-lover pants. With his head tilted back, I can’t see his face, but I can see the bead of sweat rolling its way down his jaw.
“If you sweat on me,” I say. pointing my toe so that my foot runs the risk of slipping out of the shoe the stable boy is clinging to, “I’ll use the hat.”
My possessive ex-lover swears and digs his nails into my arm when my derriere catches on a cobblestone. “Aren’t you already using the hat?”
A boy standing just outside his front door, close enough to have heard my threat, whoops. “She says she’s going to use the hat!”
The ensuing cheer from our onlookers puts the first hint of unease in my ex-lover’s eyes.
The crowd begins to chant. “Use the hat!” they cry in unison, “use the hat!” I grin wickedly, looking my possessive ex-lover dead in the eyes. “Whatever the people want.” His eyes are huge with panic now. I only grin wider, glare more fiercely. I am going to use the hat. This is a grand spectacle now, and he will not see the finale.
You can tell the people who hacked twitter were normies because they didn’t use Obama’s account to post about the chaos emeralds.
Or worse, posting about how someone stole his shoelaces and he can’t find them
Fuck that would have been the best
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #high context jokes #(I’ll admit I don’t get the chaos-emerald one but I do get the shoelace one) #Twitter
I like that English and French have a similar thing going on with the sayings “He isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed” and “Il n’a pas inventé l’eau chaude” (he didn’t invent hot water). In both cases there are many established variants; some are quite normal (not the brightest bulb in the box / “il n’a pas inventé la poudre à canon”, he didn’t invent gunpowder), then you can make it a bit sillier, “he isn’t the crunchiest chip in the bag / quickest bunny in the forest”, “il n’a pas inventé le fil à couper le beurre / la machine à courber les bananes” (he didn’t invent the butter slicer wire / the banana-curving machine), and we also both enjoy making them absurd via crossbreeding (he isn’t the sharpest bunny in the box / il n’a pas inventé le fil à couper l’eau chaude – he didn’t invent the hot water slicer wire) and so on and so forth
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #language
real argumate connoisseurs don’t follow argumate, they follow the idiots that follow argumate
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(I’ve heard that line about argumate connoisseurs before and tbh it seems about right) #(personally I’m fine with my current level of indirect argumate and feel no desire to actually follow him) #((just now I read one day’s worth of dash in a bit under forty minutes)) #((can *argumate followers* do that? I didn’t think so)) #((and being exposed to The Discourse without the protective layer of other people! *shakes head*)) #Tumblr: a User’s Guide
How does it feel to be the funniest motherfucker to ever grace my inbox
Tags:
#Hannibal #names #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #cannibalism cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what
so, a catgirl is a human woman who has taken on certain traits of the cat, which is a housepet known for its temperament – it is affectionate when it chooses to be, but it must choose to be. the appeal of the catgirl is the implication that the woman has decided, much like a cat, that the viewer is worthy of affection. thus the ideological opposite would be a feral creature that is known for being tame except for when it is provoked. countless examples of this exist in nature, so to narrow our options we will select one which is generally considered “scary” as a parallel to the “cute” cat, as is also as far away as viable from a cat. as an extremely social invertebrate, compared to the relatively solitary and spined nature of the housecat, i believe the hornet is the perfect choice; despite popular belief hornets are not aggressive unless and until they are given a reason to be.
then there is the fusion of cat and girl. the catgirl takes the “cutest” and most traditional elements of the cat – ears, tail, and whiskers – and assembles them onto the girl. thus, our inverted catgirl ought to take the most disturbing and detestable elements of the human and assemble them onto the hornet. for this exercise i will propose the spine (deformed due to our bipedal nature compared to most creatures), the chin (a structure that no other animal possesses), and the penis (for obvious reasons).
thus, we can safely conclude that the ideological opposite of the catgirl is
Take your prize and get out of my house.
Tags:
#Bee Movie #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #oh my god #I did *not* see that punchline coming
Brinens and Things 