archiveofidentityconstellations:

i would never work as a gothic heroine which is a shame because i’ve got the looks for it but the firm presence of mind to gtfo from anything unpleasant

 

archiveofidentityconstellations:

The Phantom: I have heard you sing. I have heard you, my child. I am the A—

me as Christine Daaé: [under my breath as I gather my things hurriedly] Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name

 

archiveofidentityconstellations:

rogue master of the manor: [begins making flirtatious veiled threats towards me]

me, a poor governess: [immediately makes plans to get a different job]

 

archiveofidentityconstellations:

ruined aristocrat who has a dark reputation spoken about only in whispers: May we speak alone for a moment?

me, Aware of things: No thank you, we’ve only just met. My aunt is my chaperone and a lovely conversationalist. Please do come and discuss her seventeen dogs

 

archiveofidentityconstellations:

dark brooding guardian: [makes borderline asinine comments about my blossoming beauty]

me, packing my bags: Time for finishing school!

 

archiveofidentityconstellations:

passionate possessive lover: You shall be mine! [yanks on my arm]

me: [immediately lays down heavily like a corpse]

passionate possessive lover: I am very strong, I can still ca—stop it with the noodle arms!!

me: [slunks down further]

 

archiveofidentityconstellations:

he keeps trying to grab my waist but everytime he leans over me my enormous hat knocks him right in the jaw

he keeps struggling to pull me up but he steps on my dress every two seconds

he lifts my arms over my head and tries to jiggle me into sitting up on my knees but i just looked like a squashed horse stuffed into a dress like :p

he tries to take me by my leg but i just flop back down and my petticoats are silk and therefore very slippery

eventually he gets fed up and calls a stableboy over and the stableboy tries to take me up by my head, yanking at me at the neck, and then my passionate possessive lover is like “no you little idiot! here take one of her feet” and dashes over to take me by the arms but as he leans over my enormous hat knocks him in the jaw

they’re trying to slowly drag me over to his carriage but all of the townspeople have stepped out of their houses and shops

people are slowly looking out of their carriages like “what the fuck?”

meanwhile the stableboy has his grip on my leg and the passionate possessive lover is carrying me by my arms like a ragdoll with his head thrown back so he doesn’t get knocked in the jaw again by my enormous hat and my derrière is skidding against the dirt making a lady-shaped line from one end of the street to the next

 

ebonyheartnet:

“Kidnapping. This is literally kidnapping.”

“Well, yes, but… yes.”

“Someone should do something, right?”

“Oh, only if they manage to actually get her in the carriage. I want to see how long it takes for him to give up.”

“Really?”

“Son, she could decapitate him with that hat.”

“How do you know?”

“That’s what happened to the last ass who actually got her in the carriage.”

 

caffeinewitchcraft:

“This is not very elegant,” my possessive ex-lover pants. With his head tilted back, I can’t see his face, but I can see the bead of sweat rolling its way down his jaw.

“If you sweat on me,” I say. pointing my toe so that my foot runs the risk of slipping out of the shoe the stable boy is clinging to, “I’ll use the hat.”

My possessive ex-lover swears and digs his nails into my arm when my derriere catches on a cobblestone. “Aren’t you already using the hat?”

A boy standing just outside his front door, close enough to have heard my threat, whoops. “She says she’s going to use the hat!”

The ensuing cheer from our onlookers puts the first hint of unease in my ex-lover’s eyes. 

 

a-humble-waffle:

The crowd begins to chant. “Use the hat!” they cry in unison, “use the hat!” I grin wickedly, looking my possessive ex-lover dead in the eyes. “Whatever the people want.” His eyes are huge with panic now. I only grin wider, glare more fiercely. I am going to use the hat. This is a grand spectacle now, and he will not see the finale.

 

dubiousculturalartifact:

#this went places and I’m here for them all  (via @stiltfox)


Tags:

#storytime #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #rape tw? #kidnapping cw #murder cw

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