Guys it’s been three weeks since I’ve eaten a vegetable
At least we have memes to dull the pain of existence
An AP student: Oh my god I thought seven was less than six
(while filling the cap of their water bottle with water) SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
friend one: If all your friends jumped off a bridge wou- friend two: probably
I’M GONNA GO HOME AND DRINK A WHOLE GLASS OF WEED
If cows ruled the world would they drink human milk?
student: my calculator is broken teacher: your calculator isn’t broken, you’re broken
no actually I think you have to be of age to be considered a cougar
(during math class on the second floor) student 1: so like how far do you think the distance is from that window to the ground? student 2: enough
teacher: has anyone ever been to New Orleans? Student: does Popeyes count?
my word count on this paper isn’t very high but I certainly am
we’re in adult limbo. I’m not a teen and I’m not an adult. I’M SUFFERING, THAT’S WHAT I AM!
Look at my… (swings leg up to show shorts) not pants
Person Alison and I have nicknamed “Elsa”, despite him being male: brings in a USSR playground song about WWIII for history, translates it before Physics starts
The group I occasionally have played D&D with was carrying one of its members, for no clear reason, and handing him from person to person. They said they were playing “Pass the Bob(pseudonym)”. Bob looked mostly nonplussed about this.
Black-market potato chip vendors raising money for college
While waiting in one of the many lines for graduation, Bob starts humming. I ask him what he’s humming, and he tells me it’s the Russian national anthem. I start humming along. We get Elsa to actually sing it for us.
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.
Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.
So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.
Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.
More recently, I’ve been asking Grindr users in and around Edinburgh whether they believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union. Here is a representative sample of the replies:
STATISTICS:
I was only able to question 327 users before Grindr moderators intervened. 151 users left some kind of response. Of these, 108 settled on a yes or no answer.
81.48% (88) would like to REMAIN in the European Union.
18.52% (20) would like to EXIT the European Union.
Other responses can be divided as follows:
10 Undecided 8 Don’t care 8 Miscellaneous evasion
6 None of my business 3 Too bewildered to answer 3 Too horny to engage politically 3 Turned out to be a spambot 2 Incomprehensible
(This leaves 38 users who presumably blocked me by the time the results were counted. Any responses they may have given are not counted here.)
In conclusion, Scottish Grindr users are overwhelmingly against leaving the European Union. With it looking increasingly doubtful that such a comfortable victory for remainers will be reflected in the broader United Kingdom’s vote in the upcoming referendum, Grindr may have to consider declaring itself an independent nation to remain in the EU.
When you think about it, what was the motivation for kinks in the environment of evolutionary adaptedness?
Dunno, but I think that “virile, manly strangers impregnating your spouse” was only added in as a hilarious curveball.
(Terrible ass-pull theory: it’s good to spread your genes far and wide, and therefore good to be attracted to a range of weird stuff?)
My personal favourite ass-pull theory:
Kinks are the beginning of the atrophying of the human sex drive.
Yes, the decoupling of “if pleasurable PIV, then procreation” wasn’t widespread until very recently, but decoupling the other way–“if procreation, then pleasurable PIV” happened a long time ago. Humans are smart, communicative, and capable of enduring short-term discomfort in pursuit of long-term goals. Therefore, the procreative act need not be pleasant, nor need it be intuitive: humans will do it regardless.
My heavily warped sex drive presents no barrier whatsoever to my reproductive success. I learned how to reproduce from other people, and if I chose I could perform these learned actions for the sake of obtaining children, without ever actually enjoying it.
When it no longer matters whether something is broken, it is free to accumulate damage. Kinks are the result of this entropy.
Tags:
#I mean my lack of desire for children *does* present a barrier to my reproductive success #but that’s another matter #reply via reblog #sexuality and lack thereof #pregnancy cw #just so story cw
on the ableism thing: kink can also be appealing to neurodiverse people and trauma survivors. For example ND people could find relationships in which they are taken care of and controlled to be reassuring if they are bad with self control and responsibility, for autistic people it can be a sensation thing, for people bad with intuitive social cues there’s the fact that there are strictly defined safewords and “codes” of ethics, etc. But radfems would say this proves it’s bad…
1000000% agree
Kink is often for people who can’t do relationships and sex in the supposed standard way. Radfems also want something nonstandard, but THIS IS THE PROPER NONSTANDARD THING, I TELL YOU
and I just sit here and facepalm sadly
“Kink is often for people who can’t do relationships and sex in the supposed standard way” yes yes yes yes
I’ve occasionally encountered people who want to reserve the word “kink” for things that are secondary parts of a person’s sexuality, and use “fetish” or sometimes “paraphilia” for the core stuff. (I’ve also met a few people–there might have been some overlap, I’m not sure–who view androsexuality and gynesexuality as being clusters of fetishes* that appear very commonly and often together, rather than putting them on a higher plane of “sexual orientation”.)
Neither group really seems to have taken off, though.
*For example, the gynesexuality cluster includes vulva fetishes, fetishes for various physical traits that estrogen causes, whatever hard-to-define thing the people with identity-based attractions to women are using, and so on.
I wonder if, in superhero universes, the villains ever get contacted by those “Make a Wish Foundation” and similar people.
I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.
But surely there are also the kids, who – because they are kids and sometimes kids are just weird – decide that what they really, really want is to meet a supervillain. Because he’s scary or she’s awesome or that freeze ray is just really, really cool, you know?
Oh, man, that would absolutely be a thing. The heroes would be so weirded out by it. The villains with codes of ethics would totally band together to force the villains without one (should they be the one requested) to do their part for the cause.
But imagine the person who has to track down the villains and organise everything?
Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.
So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.
The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.
At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.
They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.
When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.
A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.
The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?
Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.
The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.
Around the office, they gain the unofficial job title of The Villain Wrangler.
The heroes are genuinely flabbergasted by The Villain Wrangler. At first, some of the heroes try to reason with them.
Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”
The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”
Heroes: “… no~ but…”
The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”
Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.
The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”
Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”
Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”
The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”
Villain: “Indeed.”
Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>
The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”
Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>
The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”
Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”
The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”
Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”
Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”
The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.
But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.
Trust is a strong word. The Villain Wrangler earned it, and is terrified by what it could mean.
