littlecofiegirl:

greatmountainfloofsquatch:

cheeseanonioncrisps:

Dr Doolittle-style show about a detective who can talk to animals, except instead of talking like people the animals still talk like animals, just translated into English sentences, so the plot of most episodes centres around trying to figure out what the star witness testimony actually means.

Victim’s murder was witnessed by her pet snake, whose tank was in the room. Unfortunately pet snake is incapable of describing the world around them except in terms of ‘rocks’ and ‘meat’, with their descriptions of individual forms of ‘meat’ focusing almost entirely on body temperature and smell.

(Solved when it turns out that their description of ‘warm-cold meat with rock’ was actually an attempt to describe a suspect with a prosthetic limb, which is pretty unnoticeable to a human, but looks dramatically different in infrared.)

Murder at a honey farm. Each witness managed to see about ~0.06% of the full crime, in order to get the full picture, you have to get them to swarm.

Victim was found several days after death, already crawling with maggots. Days into the investigation, protag begins a frantic search to find any surviving maggots/flies that were on the corpse, after realising that how the victim tasted would give vital information about the poison used.

Also there’s at least one or two animals who actually do talk in full sentences and in terms humans can understand, and the reason behind this is never fully explained.

All cats in this universe talk in terms of ‘mine/not-mine’ and mainly focus on territory, mates and food, with the one exception of the main character’s cat who is named Watson and knows how to use sarcasm.

All insects speak in one word sentences where everything is ‘food’, ‘enemy’ or (for hive insects) ‘friend’ and ‘queen’, with the exception of seven-spotted ladybirds specifically, who for some reason speak in full English sentences and are up to date and knowledgeable about world events. The protagonists is as concerned by the full implications of this as you are.

Crows are highly knowledgeable and erudite. They are also jerks.

268a57ba6bc3b3491db9353a10c42d56a663ba96

Tags:

#story ideas I will never write #death tw #murder cw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

kaibutsushidousha:

gallusrostromegalus:

lindleland:

fc5jgeo:

Who is solving the Kira murders the fastest? The time to beat is 6-ish years.

fastest-kira-mystery-solver-poll

Please reblog to increase data size. Please also add how long you think it would take and why.

Phoenix Wright literally has a three day time limit

Benoit Blanc is onto Light’s shit IMMEDIATELY, but may not be able to work out the HOW. Fortunately, he also doesn’t necessarily care about solving things Legally. I give him about a month, during which Light totally fails to spell his name correctly.

BBC Sherlock has to loudly announce his name and get in everyone’s face. He’s dead within the hour.

Shawn Spencer wouldn’t solve the Mystery, but he and Light will somehow get involved in Kooky Hijinks and Shawn makes Light realize that he’s being a twerp, and the murders stop. Time Elapsed: 2-3 days.

The Mystery Gang hits Ryuk with the van and on the way to the hospital (this is the first time they haven’t been able to pull of a mask and it’s REALLY worrying them), Shaggy, Scooby and Ryuk have a Powerful Supernatural Entity Heart-to-Heart and Ryuk realizes he has more and better options to entertain himself. Time Elapsed: Negative Six days.

I don’t know Waver Velvet enough to make a guess.

L Lawliet is too busy playing Gay Autism headgames with Light to figure out the Mystery. Does Not Solve it.

The reason we never see Columbo’s Wife is that he himself possesses a Deathnote- His Wife gave it to him after he gave her eternal existence meaning, and they’ve been happily married with a collection of basset hounds since. He knows what’s up immediately. but unlike Blanc, needs to trick Kira into offering proof admissible in a court of Law. Time Elapsed: 3 days to a week.

Dr. Gregory House is arrested at the airport for carrying drugs. Does Not Solve The Mystery.

Phoenix Wright will solve this mystery and prove it in court in three days, but he’s bound by narrative convention to use EVERY LAST SECOND. Time Elapsed: 3 days

Winner: Scooby Doo, by Genre Upset.

Waver is a mage who only works within the mage community. His MO is explaining how examining the murder method is a complete waste of time because the answer is always “it’s magecraft” and then proceeding to solve the case by analyzing the culprit’s motive. Unfortunately, the motive in the Kira murders is that Light is an edgy teen from a privileged cop household, which doesn’t narrow things down nearly enough. Does Not Solve The Mystery.


Tags:

#Death Note #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(”during which Light totally fails to spell his name correctly”) #murder cw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

{{previous post in sequence}}


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werewolfjokewar:

Santa is on strike due to global warming.  All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger.  Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

“MUST BRING PRESENTS TO GOOD CHILDREN”

“Yes good”

“AND EAT THE BAD ONES”

“Wait no”

“EAT THEM”

“sasha no”

tolkientrash:

@burstofhope the Christmas tiger is watching

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

She is making a list

It is not easy with her paws but she is making it

iguanamouth:

tumblr_inline_ozqteo2iw11txfctr_500
tumblr_inline_ozqteq9d3f1txfctr_500

shes almost here

riverdancekat:

Okay fine this is the ONE Christmas thing I will reblog before Thanksgiving BUT THAT’S IT

craptaztic:

SASHA’S BACK ON MY DASH!

nordy-draws-stuff:

Y’all better behave, you have two months

aseriouscomedian:

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

final-girl-cas:

Sasha the Christmas tiger my absolute beloved

kyraneko:

Ah, a splendid specimen of the Yule Cat.

Scientific name Felis navidad, of course.

dduane:

…Felis navidad. (collapses, snorting in Linnaean)


Tags:

#it got better #puns #Christmas #Tumblr traditions #art #death tw #murder cw #cannibalism cw

elidyce:

writing-prompt-s:

You’ve been sentenced to 400 years for multiple murders. It’s been 399 years and your jailers are starting to get nervous.

I was twenty… twenty-five, I think?… when I was sentenced. Four hundred years was a length of time I couldn’t even imagine. It was a length of time I don’t think anyone could imagine, even the judge. It was just a big showy number that let everyone know I’d never see the light of day again. The mages who cast the spells were dramatic about it, practically shouting the part about ‘until death claims you, or four hundred years hath passed, forsooth, thou shalt be imprisoned here’. They don’t waste that kind of magic on most prisoners, but I was special.

The Slayer, they called me then. The Monster of Sentan. I’d killed nineteen people… I remember that number because I was so furious that they stopped me so close to my goal of twenty-one. And I didn’t just kill ordinary people, no, but the Chosen of the Gods. The Great and Good. They were terrified of me. So they locked me away, to die forgotten.

It had been a little less than a hundred years when the king died without heir, and a civil war tore the country apart. When the fighting was all over, the losers were dragged down to the deepest cells under the castle, and the new king and his soldiers stopped and stared at me. “Who… who is this?” he asked, frowning. “Some victim of the usurper?”

People like cooks and jailers and scrubbers don’t change as easily as kings. The same man who’d been bringing me my meals since there was still brown in his hair and beard shuffled forward, hunched and grey now. “No, yer majesty,” he said humbly. “That be a special prisoner, from before the old king died.”

“Special? Special how?” He frowned, moving closer to my cell. “The old king died more than ten years ago. This woman must have been a child then. What could she have done to – “

“Don’t get too close, yer majesty,” the old man said sharply. “That’s the Monster of Sentan… an’ she bites.”

That was true. I do bite.

Keep reading


Tags:

#storytime #death tw #murder cw #prison cw

phantomrose96:

I don’t know if we’re still in the age of Y/N L/N search-and-replace self-insert fanfics but can I just say there’s MASSIVE untapped potential for a Y/N L/N Death Note fanfiction if you just

if you just

hang on. This. Like this:

Light clicked his bedroom door shut, and leaned against it, and slid gently down. His attention was wrapped so wholly in the unmarked envelope in his hand. He slit it open, and unsheathed the documents like he was pulling money from a wallet. He was, in a sense. These documents had cost him. The private eye he hired had not been cheap.

But it HAD been worth it, Light knew with relief washing through his veins as he thumbed through the contents: birth certificate, social security card, medical records, vaccination history, school records, IDs with photos – mother’s name, father’s name, date of birth, eye color, hair color, blood type.

Light held in his hands EVERYTHING there was to know about the girl. And he basked in it, drinking it in, a name finally to attach to the woman who haunted him.

First name: Y/N. Last name: L/N.

Light cracked a grin, rib cage rippling with manic chuckles that bubbled to his lips and erupted, cackles, delighted trills. The sense of victory flooded him. That girl who knew he was Kira, that girl who had worked so hard to hide her identity, that girl who plagued him, followed him, haunted him every day, who he could never touch.

Finally, Light could kill her.

He rose, and walked nearly numb to his desk, and pulled out the scrap of Death Note he kept in the false bottom of the top drawer. He reveled in it as he wrote: Y/N L/N, dies alone at 11:48pm of a brain aneurysm.

The damnation felt so sweet.

She was waiting for him, early as the sun which crested behind her, all soft smiles and sweet squinted eyes. She was waiting for him as she did every single day. She stood there, as always – a thing of nightmares.

The blood left Light’s face once he opened the front door to her, feet and hands tingling cold, stomach in knots.

He’d been worried when he awoke to no news about his dead university classmate. And the confirmation of his every fear settled as a knot in his gut. Y/N L/N was alive, in front of him, just as she was every other day, smiling.

“You seem surprised, Light. Like you’ve seen a ghost?” Her wry smile was a mockery. Light loathed her more than anything.

“Y/N … L/N…” he muttered, through gritted teeth. “…Good morning.”

“Oh! You discovered my name. Good job good job, that was faster than I expected.”

“Why—”

“Aren’t I dead?” she titled her head and swayed a bit in place. “That’s how Kira kills people, yeah? Full name? And you’ve got mine. So why aren’t I dead?”

Kira. Light’s eye twitched. She did that. At every chance, dropping with such nonchalance that she knew. If he argued back, she would ignore him. If he defended himself, it would get him nowhere.

Ignore, deflect, probe, find a weak point.

“Is it a fake name? Is Y/N L/N a fake name?” It would be hard to believe; it would be beyond elaborate. Every ounce of documentation would need to have been faked, or else perfectly stolen, with a complete erasure of who the girl really was. Not a single piece of contradictory evidence. Enough to completely fool Japan’s most esteemed private eye. It was almost unfathomable.

“No, it’s not a fake name. That’s my name. My real name. You’re right.” She spun on her heel and walked forward, into the sun, toward campus, sunlight streaking through the wisps in her hair. “But you can’t kill me with it, Kira.”

Light refused to answer. He refused to concede. He refused to show his hand, and yet, maybe he already had… Maybe he’d already lost.

He’d try again tonight. He’d try again as many times as it took to eliminate her, this unfathomable girl, who appeared in his uni classroom claiming to be an old elementary school classmate of his, who followed him every day and spoke in hints that suggested she knew, and yet never revealed how, or why, or what she wanted from him.

He’d try again. He’d kill her this time.

“It won’t work, trying again, that is. If you want to kill me, you’ll have to use your own hands.” She glanced over her shoulder at him. “But that’s messy, and suspicious, and too easy to solve, right? So you need the Death Note to do away with me. But it won’t work.”

Death Note, dammit, she really DID know.

“Hey Light, what’s my name?”

“Y/N, L/N,” he ground out, almost robotically.

“Say it again.”

“Y/N, L/N.”

“And what name did you write in the Death Note?”

Light hesitated. Did he stand any chance of keeping his hand concealed?

He locked eyes with her, and he knew the answer was no. She knew. He knew.

“Y/N L/N.”

“Doesn’t sound quite right, does it?” she asked. And with her words, Light felt some unsettled something thud in his chest. A disquiet. An unrest. A thinly veiled wrongness.

“My name, that name, Y/N L/N, how do you spell it?” she asked.

“Y…” Light paused. Y? No… That was almost certainly not right.

“First letter, second letter, third letter. Come on. I believe in you.”

A headache was building behind Light’s eyes.

“Y…. S-slash…. N…” No. That wasn’t a name. That wasn’t anyone’s name. And it wasn’t her name. Her name, her name was—

“You can’t spell it, Light. You can’t. And no one can. No one except an extremely, intractably lucky person could even guess what my name might be, at the time that all of this plays out.”

“What does that mean?”

“What do I look like, Light? The Death Note needs a mental image! What do I look like?”

And Light looked. He looked directly at her, piercing, probing, roving, studying, drinking her in. She looked exactly as he remembered, with H/C hair and E/C eyes and….

What color hair?

What color eyes?

What name?

“I’m not anyone, Light,” she offered with the same, sweetly saccharine smile that Light could not describe beyond those words. “Or I’m everyone, I guess. I’m every Y/N L/N who reads this, any one of them. And when the dust settles, and the story stabilizes, and those markers are replaced for real, it will be too late. Because that will not be the name you wrote in your Death Note. You’ll always have written Y, and slash, and N, and L, and slash, and N, and that will never be right. I’ll be someone else by the time it matters, every time.”

Light blinked through the stars in his vision. Looking at her hurt, his vision wobbling in and out of focus on the nothing, and the everything she was. The hair color, and the eye color, and the first name, and the last name, that were every potential quantum combination, and still none of them.

He shut his eyes.

“What do you want from me?” he asked. “Why are you following me? Why do you know who I am. What do you want?”

“Nothing. I want nothing. I don’t have a defined will. It’s not like I’m a person.” She stepped forward again, hands clenched to the bag behind her back. A normal school bag, a normal school uniform, trotting in step eastward toward the college campus. “I’m an insert. And that means I’m whoever they want me to be, every time. It’s not any deeper than that.”


Tags:

#Death Note #fanfic #that one post with the thing #names #murder cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

birdblogwhichisforbirds:

My brother, listen, do not be afraid.
I have descended into Hell to talk
About forgiveness. Yes, Pilate, with you.
With others too – with everyone who’s here.
But you first. Even Judas, my old friend,
Must wait a while for me. We have a while;
The sempiternal agony of Hell
Exists outside of human history. 
Souls killed in every century are here
Millennia before and after you.
You stand among those millions who share
An everlasting sentence for the crime
Of “just doing your job.” Your job killed me.
Your job ripped my skin open with a lash
And drove me, bleeding, shambling up the hill
Where your job drove an eight inch iron spike
Through each hand and each foot, and hoisted me
Towards the sky and left me there for hours
To slowly suffocate. You did your job
To many more like me. Their names were all
Forgotten as they rotted on the cross
Unburied. Hell is teeming with the souls
Who did their job, who served the empire well –
Not just your empire, all the ones that rose
And fell, before and after your own Rome’s.
You asked me once what truth is. That is it.
That is the truth about your whole life’s work.
You know this and it sears worse than the flames.
But that is not why I descended here.
I’m here about forgiveness. Listen. Please.


In the beginning was the Word of God.
That’s me. Like you, I had a job to do.
By me all things were made, and without me
Was nothing that was made. The universe
Was my life’s work, the empire that I served.
My father’s will for Mankind was my law.
One act of disobedience was enough
To sentence every one of you to death.
I did my job, and did it thoroughly:
The hands that made the stars built every tomb.
They sculpted tumors, planted neat rows
Of plagues in human lungs and skin and guts,
Conducted rousing symphonies of storms,
Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires, and wrote
In stone: if you survive all this, the time itself
Will kill you. Yet this law, My Father’s Law,
No – our law, I share blame for it – forbade
The dead to die. Infinities of pain,
We gave as punishments for finite crimes.
My father made me judge, and I looked down
On human beings. I saw their sinfulness
And built sparse Heaven and a crowded Hell.
I thought this law was justice ‘til the day
I learned what it is like to be condemned.


Pontius, I have no right to punish you.
I killed you. I killed everyone you loved.
I tortured you, but this ends here. You’re free.
All Hell breaks out today. I will not judge.
From now on, I refuse to do my job.
I am not Christ the King. I abdicate.
How you repay your debt to those you killed
Is your own cross to carry – they decide
Whether they will forgive you when you meet
In Paradise. And Pontius, I forgive
You for my death, of course. How could I not?
But I’m not here to tell you that, I’m here
To ask, to plead, for what I don’t deserve
From everyone in Hell, but first from you.
Brother, when we last met I said to you
That you would have no power over me
Were it not given from above, but now
I bow my head, give power from below.
I beg you for the one gift only you
Can give me: I have sinned against you, please
Brother, can you – will you – forgive my sins?


Tags:

#Christianity #poetry #that one post with the thing #hell cw #death cw #murder cw #illness tw

tumblr_nzoe9o6pzf1rx9azpo1_500

werewolfjokewar:

Santa is on strike due to global warming.  All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger.  Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.

 

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

“MUST BRING PRESENTS TO GOOD CHILDREN”

“Yes good”

“AND EAT THE BAD ONES”

“Wait no”

“EAT THEM”

“sasha no”

 

tolkientrash:

@burstofhope the Christmas tiger is watching

 

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

She is making a list

It is not easy with her paws but she is making it

 

iguanamouth:

tumblr_inline_ozqteo2iw11txfctr_500
tumblr_inline_ozqteq9d3f1txfctr_500

shes almost here

 

riverdancekat:

Okay fine this is the ONE Christmas thing I will reblog before Thanksgiving BUT THAT’S IT

 

craptaztic:

SASHA’S BACK ON MY DASH!

 

nordy-draws-stuff:

Y’all better behave, you have two months

 

aseriouscomedian:

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

 

final-girl-cas:

Sasha the Christmas tiger my absolute beloved


Tags:

#Christmas #Tumblr traditions #art #death tw #murder cw #cannibalism cw


{{next post in sequence}}