Not nearly enough “Sirius Black makes himself at home in Privet Drive because there’s nothing the Dursleys can do to get him to leave” fic out there, and it’s a crying shame.
Harry just rolling up like WHADDUP THIS IS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FAMILAR HE EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTS ME BY MAULING PEOPLE WHO THREATEN ME. And Sirus dog-charades AND THIS IS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT COUCH YOU CAN SIT ON THE FLOOR FUCKERS.
You know what else is good “Dudley gets on top of how fucked up his parents are faster” fic, and i feel like “Sirius Lives at Privet Drive” dovetails nicely into this:
- Dudley, age 14 and realizing his mother’s Loving-but-Ill-advised cooking is setting him up for some serious health problems, and that he’s tall enough to look his dad in the eye now, so his previous rationale of “If he’s hitting Harry he’s not Hitting Me” doesn’t hold up now, and goes full Eye of The Tiger to cope.
- This means Sirus gets dragged along on a lot of Parent-avoiding “Walkies”
- So many that one evening after a fight Dudley is trying to round up Harry and Sirius for a cooldown run and Sirius groans “Oh you’re big lads you can jog to the tesco on your own.” from the couch
There’s a hot moment of silence.
- “He’s a Magic Dog.” Says Harry.
- “What do you mean your dog is a 40-year-old man?”
“What do you mean your Dad’s BFF?”
“What do you mean convicted criminal?”
What do you mean WIZARD HITLER WANTS YOUR HIDE??”
“..Shit I gotta up my workout routine.”
“You’re not gonna punch Voldermort out Dudley.”
“Not with these wimpy biceps I won’t.”
- Shit’s getting increasingly tense in the house so when Ron announces they have tickets to the Quidditch World Cup Harry has to ask “Hey, can Dudley come too?”
- Dudley might be short on wizarding skills but one thing he’s learned at Fancy rich boy School is the art of Schmooze. They meet Corneilus Fudge and Dudley charms the hell out of him. Fudge doesn’t even realize he’s not a Wizard. Harry tries to impress upon him the ‘VOLDERMORT’S ALIVE WITH A CULT DIPSHIT” upon him and nearly ends up in tears before Dudley takes his arm and whispers “Let me Handle This.”
- Thirty minutes later Corneilus is organizing a Task Force of Aurors.
- “What the fuck do they teach you there?” asks Harry.
“Oh, buttering egos, Trigonometry, grift, the usual.”
“What’s Trigonometry?” Asks Ron, walking with them on a field trip through Muggle London for Nandos. Dudley’s Uncle “Gerald White” is supervising them it’s fine.
Dudley stares for a moment.
“You guys… are learning math, along with your Divination and Transmorfigication and whatsits, right?”
There is an awkward silence. Even Sirius considers morphing back into a dog to avoid this conversation.
“Oh for fucks sake.” Sighs Dudley, texting Hermionie to see if she brought her Muggle textbooks along.
- (She Did)
- IDK what happens when the school year starts but I love the idea of “Well some snitch (Snape) might notice if Sirus is hanging around, so instead he goes with Dudley to Fancy Rich Boy School. Maybe they’re short a teacher there and he can reccomend his friend Remus, currently out of work for reasons that aren’t his fault…
Hello, yes, I love this. I love the idea of Dudley and Hermione tutoring Harry on Muggle science and whatnot, and Ron is sitting there confused and just going ???? Also, you just know that Hermione is going to read ahead extremely quickly and she’ll be Dudley’s best study partner.
Omg, Dudley and Hermione joining forces to bring the wizarding world into the modern age
Adding: Dudley stays relatively fat, but now he can bench-press Buckbeak.
#Harry Potter #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #abuse cw? #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(the Gerald White reference)