sinesalvatorem:

When I was in high school, they made us do “devotion” every morning.

• Every
• Fucking
• Morning

They would march us into an auditorium and pack us together and scream at us for an hour about how much Jesus loves us, which is why He threatens us with fire, and if we don’t want to burn we have to let Him come inside our hearts and/or orifices.

• Jesus Christ: Scumbag Boyfriend

And, as a Jewish atheist, I was too lesbian for this shit.

So I did the obvious thing, of course.

I hid

In my classroom

Where everyone else was hiding.

• Alison Morais: A Fucking Genius

But then the teachers found us

• Because, like, how could they not

And they decided that the appropriate punishment for five delinquent kids refusing to participate in forced-worship

…Was to make them lead worship services.

• My Teachers: Also Fucking Geniuses

So then they marched the lot of us to the auditorium and said that we would each have to give a sermon on a Biblical passage of our choice.

And we would each have to speak, on stage, in front of the crowd, for five minutes.

We were told to vote on who was to go first. Everyone made the logical choice and voted for the person they thought would be best able to deliver a speech on short notice.

• Translation: Those FUCKING ASSHOLES threw me to the wolves and I will EAT THEIR CHILDREN.

So then it was time for me to use my mouth to serve my scumbag boyfriend Lord and Saviour.

I read and commented on The Lord’s Prayer and made sure to really put OOMPH into it. I was FABULOUS. The crowd went wild; even though they usually hated this part of the day.

• Charisma: 1
• Honesty: 0
• Achievement Unlocked: Standard-Issue Religious Leader

But! There was one problem! Remember that I was supposed to go for 5 minutes, right?

This took me 4.

I had no idea what to do for the last minute, so I just looked at the rest of Matthew 6 in case there was something good.

And boy was there.

I read the audience this:

⁵ “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ⁶ But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷ And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.

So then I started bullshitting

• Because of course I did

And I basically was like:

• You see this thing we do where we assemble each morning
• And are forced to listen to the teachers pray at us
• When clearly they’re praying for us to watch instead of for their own spiritual betterment?

And then the teachers were like:

Alison, what are you doing

• Jesus is telling us that this is morally wrong

ALISON NO

• He’s saying G-d hates it
• Your mum hates it
• Uncle Joe hates it
• That creepy guy in the white van who sells chloroform-flavoured ice-cream hates it

ALISON STAHP

• And if you do it you’ll be tortured in hell forever and ever; amen. Good night, Detroit! See ya!

ALISON GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BITCH

But I was gone

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Tags:

#storytime #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Christianity