possible TMI

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

asexualactivities:

I want to hear more from people who dislike orgasms.  You typically only seem to hear about how wonderful they are, but I want to hear more about the flip side.

Why don’t you like them? How do they make you feel?  Do you think your asexuality plays a part?

( Ask | Submit ) 

It feels foreign and invasive [link], something intruding into my mind rather than part of me, trying to re-write my desires. The new, stronger form of arousal that leads (or at least *can* lead) up to it is distracting, attention-grabbing in a way I don’t like, and that makes it harder to masturbate in a way that’s *truly* satisfying, truly *mine*.

(That bit seems like it needs a context link, but I’m not sure which one would be best: maybe this one.)

This has only been happening for about 1 – 2.5 years, depending on how you count. I miss when there were fewer pitfalls.

Tags:

#oh hey look *another* way my body has deteriorated over the last couple years #(even if most people wouldn’t conceptualise it that way) #sexuality and lack thereof #Possible TMI #I’ve been thinking about whether to maybe answer this for like a week #but the tie-in with my previous post seems to have convinced me #reply via reblog #is the blue I see the same as the blue you see

Image ~ ~ Brin ~ 2 Comments

{{previous post in sequence}}

autumnone:

Now that I look at it, it seems such a tiny thing. Without the broader context, the other straws on the camel’s back, it wouldn’t even be noticeable. It almost still wasn’t noticeable.

And yet…and yet there’s that word. “Stimulating”. Sex ought to be stimulating.

It’s a reminder of everything I hate about the kind of sex-positive sex-ed that’s standard in this subculture. I feel bad about hating it. I shouldn’t hate it. It’s the greatest good for the greatest number.

And yet.

And yet I’m sick of being excluded at every turn. I resent the way the kind of sex-ed epitomised by (though by no means exclusive to) Scarleteen stunted my sexual self-understanding, fed me information and advice consisting mostly of stuff that didn’t apply to me (sometimes the exact opposite of which applied to me) and told me it applied to everyone. I hate knowing that they didn’t even do anything wrong, because I’m such a fucking snowflake that I don’t deserve to expect anyone to ever acknowledge my existence.

(It isn’t my sexuality itself that I have a problem with. I like who I am. It’s the way it interacts with who everyone else is that gets to me.)

(Sexual pleasure is not a stimulant. It is a sedative. If I find a sexual act stimulating, that’s a sure sign that something has gone wrong and I need to change course.)

(addendum here)

Tags:

#sexuality and lack thereof #rants #TMI

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Linkspam for people giving ace advice

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

queenieofaces:

Do you run an ace advice blog?  Do you frequently answer asks about asexuality?  Then you should probably read the below posts so you know how to sensitively answer some frequently asked questions about asexuality.  (Or you could read them because they’re interesting and being well-informed is generally a good idea!)

If someone asks you whether they’re asexual/how they should identify:

Sciatrix on why labeling people is a terrible idea

nextstepcake on how to answer these sorts of asks

If someone under the age of 18 asks whether they’re asexual:

Teen aces and the “you might not be asexual forever” disclaimer by me (here on The Asexual Agenda)

The average age of first sexual attraction is ten

Critique of Popular Reason on having their asexuality dismissed as a teenager

This entire Carnival of Aces was on teenagers, and this one was on age/ageism.

If someone asks about sex-repulsion/says they don’t want to have sex:

bessibels on why you should not pressure aces into having sex with their partners

Your Sex-Normative Ideas Ain’t News by The Ace Theist

beranyth on why you should not tell aces who have feeling guilty about not having sex that “it’s okay for asexuals to have sex”

I wrote up some ways that sex-repulsed/sex-averse aces are stigmatized in ace communities (here on The Asexual Agenda)

Here’s a linkspam on sex-aversion/sex-repulsion, and here’s a whole Carnival of Aces on sex-repulsion/sex-aversion.

If anyone asks about hormonal imbalances/medical issues/mental illness/autism causing asexuality:

ace-muslim on “Why don’t you get your hormones checked?”

anotherspoonie on asexuality and hip dysplasia

nightengalesnkd on the intersection of asexuality and disability

swankivy on how “asexual” should be a description of what you feel, not why

Here’s a whole Carnival on asexuality and disability, and here’s one on asexuality and autism.

If someone asks anything about asexuality and sexual violence:

Please give survivor-competent ace advice!

Things you can do to make ace spaces more welcoming for aces who have experienced sexual violence

Challenges Faced by Ace Survivors (here on The Asexual Agenda)

I have an entire tag on asexuality and sexual violence, and you should check out resourcesforacesurvivors, especially the #for supporters tag.

If someone has a question about masturbation/orgasms/anatomy:

Asexuality Archive has written an entire series on this!

I want to read a bunch more on asexuality but I haven’t the foggiest where to even start!

Have you considered checking out a linkspam?  Or maybe some of these linkspams?  Perhaps you would enjoy Carnival of Aces, which is conveniently divided up by topic.  Here’s a whole archive of articles on asexuality.  The Asexual Agenda’s blogroll is usually pretty up to date too.

Let’s give sensitive and respectful ace advice, yeah?

Tags:

#asexuality #there are some interesting things in here #most of them are things I’ve read before #but that particular link for ‘the average age of first sexual attraction is ten’ was new to me #it was a fascinating if somewhat uncomfortable read #yet another declaration of How Sexuality Works that completely fails to account for my existence #(I’m not talking about my asexuality) #(I’m talking about my sexual desires) #(I remember the firsts of puberty) #(the first hairs in various places) #(the moment I realised my breasts were definitely bigger than they had been before) #(the resignation I felt when I first saw blood on my toilet paper) #(but I don’t remember my first sexual fantasy) #(or the first time I felt arousal) #(I don’t remember ever being *surprised* by them) #(my earliest memories regarding them treat them as something that’s always been there) #(I find it mind-boggling that having been old enough to remember a time before is not only a thing but a *common* thing) #(common to the point that the existence of those of us who have always been so is easily missed) #sexuality and lack thereof #tag rambles #Possible TMI

Smashwords – Sleepwalkers: Deluxe Edition with Bonus Material – a book by A. Regina Cantatis

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

{{Title link: technically https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/430997, but the (as of 2019-07-15) functioning version is https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/360650 }}

lyricalagony:

My favorite erotica novel comes in a deluxe edition now! (And I’m actually mentioned, in the acknowledgements and some bonus material, [not under this name], which is kind of incredibly awesome).

This isn’t properly my kink (it’s MC as in mind control), though there’s elements where this kink and mine overlap, and it does feature one of those most-arousing-scene-I’ve-ever-read.

Outside of arousing things, it’s also a very well plotted and written story with an interesting setting/premise and great characters (and lots of awesome female characters!).

But it’s also very much my own writing aspirations made real – it’s a proper sci-fi novel, plot and characters and everything, but with the kink absolutely integral and throughout. And it comes from an adolescent fantasy the author carried with her for years. 

My kink things + actual story is the format my own stories have pretty much always taken, and putting them into full writing is a major dream of mine.

So it’s pretty amazing to see someone who’s done it, and done it so incredibly well.

In between reading this post and reblogging it, I read the book. How much I liked it depends on what standard I’m using.

As erotica, I was disappointed, though not surprised. This kink’s a pretty big umbrella, after all. (Probably all kinks are, if you look closely enough.) Ask five people what the appeal is and you’ll get six answers. If someone’s approaching it from a different angle than you do, sometimes it’ll work out anyway, but often you get…well, you get Sleepwalkers: something that repeatedly skirts the edge of being hot, but never quite makes it. It’s also too heavy on the genitals for my liking, but then to me “too heavy on the genitals” means “any genitals at all”. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good porn when you’re turned off by genitals? After a while, you just give up and learn the art of skimming.)

However, as a story I really enjoyed it. I haven’t read anything that page-turny in ages. (I pretty much devoted the entirety of Wednesday to it. Every waking moment that I wasn’t doing schoolwork (with difficulty) or cooking dinner, I was reading the book.)

All in all, totally worth four dollars.

(I even got to know before spending the four dollars that it was going to be worth it, thanks to the “read first 20% for free” option. I don’t have a whole lot of spending money, so that was very helpful for my peace of mind.)

Tags:

#sexuality and lack thereof #NSFW #Possible TMI #recs

{{next post in sequence}}

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

(sort-of-tagged by eponymous-rose)

1. What’s the weirdest thing you did as a child?

That’s the sort of question where you just know you’re going to think of something weirder ten minutes after you hit “post”, but I’ll try.

I used to collect coupons. I didn’t use them, just collected them. I would carefully cut them out, trimming off the dotted lines around the edges while leaving the bar codes and fine print intact (this sometimes required curving the cut, but I tried very hard not to do that). I kept them in the bottom drawer of my dresser.

2. Five things you love about you!

a. I managed to learn how to type 80wpm without looking at the keyboard, despite never putting any effort into it. (Well, I played a little Typer Shark as a kid, but not that much, and I never took a class on touch-typing or anything like that.)

b. I can be very persevering when other people are counting on me.

c. I’m very good at checking expiration dates. I once looked at a juice box’s jumble of alphanumeric code (a code Mom had found impenetrable) and discerned the expiration date at a glance without having to search for it. (Silver lining of a food poisoning phobia.) Back when Canadian Goldfish bags only had production codes and no expiration dates, I even learned how to calculate the expiration date using the production code. (I determined the shelf life by examining an American Goldfish bag, which had both.)

d. My introspectiveness. I like that I can untangle at least some of the layers of weird in my brain, especially when it leads me to practical implications. (How many books of a series do you need to binge on in order to induce perseveration?* Does caffeine act as a short-term libido suppressant?**)

*Four.

**I haven’t had a chance to test this yet, but I have every indication it ought to work. (I suppose I ought to do the test properly, with blinding. Mind you, even a placebo would be useful. It would be nice, about halfway through the 4 – 5 days of post-ovulation tiredness, to have a bit of a break.)

e. I have a pretty good body. Not a beautiful body, which I gather is what people tend to mean when they call a body “good”. (It looks plain, which is exactly how I like it.) Rather, it’s comfortable to live in.

3. Where is the one place you feel most at peace?

Floating in my bathtub. Unfortunately, I am now too tall to float in my bathtub. I’m pretty sure my quality of life noticeably decreased when that happened.

4. Do you have any summer plans?

Learning about geology and computer programming. The last ten days of May are the closest thing I’m getting to a summer break. (I am so taking December off.)

5. What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever purchased?

University education. Those two courses in question 4 alone cost me $1600, and that’s with Canadian subsidising. (Regarding the usual things: I’ve never bought a house or vehicle, and all of my computers over the years have cost less than $500 each, which is probably why they’ve been so crappy.)

(Well, I think part of why this computer is so crappy is because it’s lived too long. When I first bought it it was a five-year-old model: old, but young enough for developers to generally acknowledge that people are going to try to use their products on it. Now it’s an eight-year-old model, and nobody accounts for the possibility of eight-year-old computers. It would be too impractical.)

6. What is your sleep schedule like, if you have one?

I’ve found myself drifting back and sleeping less during my break from school, which probably says a lot about me. Right now it’s about 11:45 PM – 8:30 AM, give or take fifteen minutes on each. It’ll probably return to 12 – 9:10 once I start school again.

7. If you could relive one moment of your life, what would it be?

Well, my favourite memory is probably the time I went out dolphin-watching in the Atlantic (off Cape May) when I was about eleven or twelve. I felt…what do you call the opposite of sea-sickness? Sea-wellness, I suppose. The rocking of the boat made me euphoric rather than nauseated. And though I was having fun, time did not fly. I thoroughly enjoyed each and every second of those two hours.

The nice thing about having a favourite memory like that is that I might well be able to do something like it again.

(We did see dolphins, but as far as I’m concerned they were just a bonus.)

8. Do you have any secret talents? If so, what?

If I told you, they wouldn’t be secret anymore, would they.

(I suppose you could count some of the things in the “five things I love about me”.)

9. What do you hope gets invented before you die?

I have to agree with Rose on this one and say immortality. Failing that, a sufficiently effective and reliable treatment for Alzheimer’s soon enough that I need never worry about getting it myself. (An outright cure or a thyroid/HIV-style “you’ll be fine as long as you take your meds, but you can never go off them without becoming symptomatic”, either way.)

10. If you could have a super power, what would it be?

Wolverine-level healing factor (see also question 9). If it were only a milder healing factor on offer (does not extend lifespan, fatal injuries will still kill you), I’d probably rather go for unbreathing (in the Nethack sense), despite the potential for annoying side effects regarding consensual inhalant drugs. The number of water sports that I have seen people play on Daily Planet and thought “I would love to do that, if only I were immune to drowning”…

11. They say a friend will help you move and a best friend will help you move a body. Do you have a best friend?

I don’t think I know anyone who cares more about me than they care about not being an accomplice to murder/not allowing a murderer to go free. That’s probably for the best.

If we take a broader interpretation of “body”, I expect Mom, Brother, and possibly Dad would assist me in being someone’s caretaker (which would likely involve moving their body at some point). Not sure about non-relatives.

Tags:

#oh look an original post #(you may have noticed I talked about tiredness and heightened sex drive as if they were the same thing) #(that is because they are) #(and let me tell you once you figure *that* out there are all *kinds* of practical implications) #(caffeine is just the first one that came to mind) #meme #Possible TMI #you can be sort-of-tagged too if you like

Sex Repulsion

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

faustianfantasy:

ace-muslim:

faustianfantasy:

-Snipped for length- {{archivist’s note: link to unsnipped version of OP}}

It is so very easy to be confused about Asexuality because it is about finding something that isn’t there, it is again defined by a lack of something. Sex repulsion on the other hand is very intensely defined by the presence of something, it is defined by a feeling that is not only easy to find and understand, but one that is pretty hard to ignore. The sense of repulsion that we as sex-repulsed people feel makes it pretty easy for us to identify as sex-repulsed, provided we have access to that terminology. In my experience, it is much easier to notice an active negative emotional association than an absent sexual orientation. So, I think that sex-repulsed people are led to think that it is less important to talk about.

Compared to the often long and confusing process of identifying anywhere on the Asexual spectrum, noticing that sex is something that you don’t like seems less interesting. And why exactly should we talk about something that most people are perfectly capable of discovering on their own?

I think this is a really interesting commentary. In one of my comments on Sciatrix’s post at the Asexual Agenda, I wrote:

One thing that I’ve come to realize about myself is that as an aromantic asexual, I have basically no positive preference for any gender, not even in terms of aesthetic attraction, but my aversion is definitely strongest in regard to men (I’m a cis woman) so that it’s kind of a “negative preference”, and that does affect when I think about having even a queerplatonic relationship and what kinds of people I might or might not want to have it with. It’s very curious.

I thought of this again when reading faustianfantasy’s argument that sex-aversion or repulsion is a presence of feeling whereas asexuality in itself is an absence.

To explore this a bit further, I didn’t know about the concept of asexuality until I was 31; I knew what I was, but I thought it was just something about me, not that it was an actual sexual orientation that others shared.

When I thought about myself previously, I tended to define it as “not interested in sex” or “non-sexual”. I never singled out lack of sexual attraction as the distinctive characteristic. I suppose this is similar to how many allosexuals may conflate sexual orientation and sexuality.

Thanks to the reductionism of the asexual community, I’ve started to be able to tease apart the different aspects of my “not interested in sex”, determining which parts are due to lack of sexual attraction, which parts are due to not having a sex drive, which parts are due to being aromantic, and also which parts are due to being sex-averse (and there may be other aspects that I haven’t yet separated out!).

What I’m saying in my comment excerpted above is that I’ve got an absence on so many aspects (asexual, aromantic, non-libidoist) that my sex-aversion seems to literally be the only presence or preference that I have.

But I feel like it’s really difficult to try to feel my way around by what I strongly don’t like when everything about sexuality seems to be defined by what you do like (this of course gets back into positive and negative definitions of asexuality and the role of doubt and absence).

From my perspective, then, sex-aversion isn’t really any less confusing than asexuality itself and that’s why I’ve focused more on what I perceive as some societal pressures against talking about sex-aversion, because to me that seems the more obvious explanation for the relative lack of discussion. Obviously, others will have different perspectives.

Oh, I completely agree with what you’ve said about the pressures against writing about it, I might have been a little too quick on moving past that. But I do understand and agree, writing and posting the thing was difficult, and I imagine if I were more aware of the bigger Asexual community I probably wouldn’t have.

I’ve also thought about your last paragraph, I didn’t mean to imply that sex aversion/repulsion was any less confusing to think about or rationalize, it confuses me to think about quite a bit honestly. And I do believe that there is more to it that we just haven’t developed the language to discuss yet.

What I meant that it is more obvious to notice, I haven’t heard of anyone having a revelation about their repulsion besides having a name to ascribe it. And with so much of the discussion in the Ace community being about how to recognize various aspects of your sexuality, that might have discouraged discussion. If we somehow manage to apply the reductionism to sex-aversion, I will be as happy as anyone to have a chance to understand more deeply.

I haven’t heard of anyone having a revelation about their repulsion besides having a name to ascribe it.

I did. I would have been much better off throughout childhood and adolescence if the idea had existed in the cultural milieu that thinking sex is squicky could be both permanent (a valid opinion held by mature people, not just young children) and effortless (not a vow of chastity that took large quantities of willpower to uphold). Those were the two closest concepts to repulsion I was given, the first with a time limit, and it didn’t occur to me to look outside that before getting to know the asexual community and their ideas.

Once I hit puberty, I had two options: take the abovementioned vow, or accept the “inevitability” of wanting sex (which I was not willing to do; it seemed too not-me). So I ended up wasting a lot of effort on chastity that would’ve maintained itself just fine on its own. (Well, there are the kink fantasies, but the only reason I tried to suppress those is because I was worried they’d be a gateway to having vanilla intercourse. Now that I know that isn’t true, I’m fine with it.)

(Needless to say, I can’t identify with the common young asexual’s narrative of “wanting to want sex” at all. Or the “but abstinence is easy, why are you making such a fuss over it” one, for that matter, though in that case it’s much harder to tell what was different that caused those people to take that path while I took this one.)

Tags:

#asexuality #reply via reblog #possible TMI