now that’s a lot. Dabbing unicorn Love Is Love Zipper US Flag.
The best part is that a lot of these are vertically oriented and they only have a left-facing flag background to edit it over, which results in a ton of the american flags being flown upside down, which is a symbol of distress.
Alright, so the crimes against vexillology are uncountable so we’re not going to count them. Instead I’m going to say that my first reaction to “American flag skull + autism” was to automatically parse all American flag skulls as the Sport Death flag and go “makes perfect sense, Senior House (RIP) had tons of autistic people”.
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #it got better #flags #home of the brave #juxtaposition #computer generated images #embarrassment squick? #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #war cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
lyrics (@syrena-of-the-lake ’s lyrics plus a few verses of my own to fill in the blanks):
It’s nine o’clock on a work night
And to my so-familiar chagrin
There’s a crack-of-dawn shift I’ve been scheduled for
So I guess it’s ‘bout time to turn in
–
But the foam in my mattress ain’t memory
There’s an issue that blocks my repose
‘Cause it’s real hard to sleep when you can’t hear a peep
Over ballads your bed done composed
–
La, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum
–
Sing us a song, you’re the pianobed
Both a bed and piano upright
Now you’re trapped in this mattress and melody
While Tumblr all laughs at your plight
–
Now Mozart and Bach, they are friends of mine
And Brahms with his sweet lullaby
But when my bed folds up tight in the dead of the night
I can’t sleep however I try
–
I say “Wolfgang, Johannes and Johann,
I respect all your great symphonies
But I can’t get much sleep with concertos
Being played on my head and my knees”
–
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum
–
The doctor says I need eight hours of sleep
This is takin’ those years off my life
And my spine needs a potion from the open-close motions
That’re treating it like a jackknife
–
And the torture, it’s got an accomp’niment
Not enough that it’s breaking my bones
While I’m mashed in the covers, it’s playing a cover
This bed likes the works of Tom Jones
–
[A familiar ditty is sung over the solo.]
–
Sing us a song, you’re the pianobed
Both a bed and piano upright
Now you’re trapped in this mattress and melody
While Tumblr all laughs at your plight
–
They let me sleep in on a Saturday
At least every once in a while
And when it gets out of tune, I can sleep until noon
A slumbering musicophile
–
Then the piano snaps shut, a crescendo
And the chords all resound in my ear
And it’s goodbye bedtime, and hello three-four time
And move over, Beethoven is here.
–
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum
–
Play us a song, you’re the pianobed
I’ll be stuck in your mattress all night
So I may as well sing to your melody
While Tumblr all laughs at my plight
#it got better #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #music #(me: my dude have you considered getting a different bed) #(also me: you know you’re literally listening to this while #procrastinating on taking the plunge on buying a mattress that isn’t just a pile of springs) #(me: …) #((update: I have now purchased the mattress)) #((god I hope six inches of latex foam is enough; my loft bed can’t support more weight than that)) #((I guess if it isn’t I can always go back to the status quo until my brother moves out and #I have enough space for a bed without going three-dimensional)) #((and add more latex foam then)
Santa is on strike due to global warming. All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger. Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.
from the creators of kids bop meet adult bop where we take regular songs and make it have as many curse words as possible
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Banana phone
banana phones go obsolete so quickly, a major manufacturer committed serious crimes in the past, they’re sometimes buggy, and you never get calls on them from anyone you want to talk to! swearing at them thus makes total sense.
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #it got better #music
one of my favorite lotr facts is that gondorians speak sindarin as a first language and yet when faramir was talking to frodo and sam about cirith ungol he was like “we don’t know what’s in there.” like faramir. cirith ungol is sindarin for “pass of the spider.” do the math
to be fair, you’d assume the name means “there’s a lot of spiders here,” not, “there is one spider the size of a draft horse here.” so you go up expecting to have to shoo a lot of skeeter eaters out of your tent, and instead you have to figure out how to rope and shoe godzillarantula.
Hmmm…They do live in a world where godzillarantulas feature prominently in mythology and history (Ungoliant plunged the world into darkness, scared the crap out of Sauron’s old boss, etc) and existed within the last century in Mirkwood. Assuming they ever talk to anyone who’s been to Mirkwood. They… probably know they were giant spiders in Mirkwood pretty recently? It’s hard to figure out how much anyone in Middle-earth has been talking to anyone else when we didn’t actually see it.
On the other hand – what if it’s the giant evil spiders’ prominence in history/mythology that’s causing trouble? What if lots of evil/nasty things/places get called “spider” just to indicate how nasty and evil they are, rather than any association with literal spiders, and it’s just… overloaded? Maybe the bad part of town in Minas Tirith is the Spider District. Maybe every tavern trying to be edgy calls itself the Spiderweb.
Actually spider/Ungoliant references could be really appealing to Gondorians trying to be edgy. They’re dark and evil! Plunged the world into darkness! But they AREN’T involved in the war they’re actually fighting, they aren’t directly associated with Sauron at all, so getting too interested in them would be creepy without being potentially treasonous. Because no one’s ACTUALLY going to worship those dangerous but not epic spiders up in Mirkwood, and no one’s heard anything from any proper spawn of Ungoliant in ages and ages.
In fact, spider/Ungoliant references might be appealing to ORCS trying to express that something is nasty and creepy! Nobody likes Ungoliant.
Maybe Faramir’s been to fourteen different Spider Caves across Ithilien, and half of them he didn’t even see regular spiders in, they’re just dark and damp and may have had orcs at some point, or something, and at some point in history someone got spooked. So you know, it’s POSSIBLE Spider Pass has something to do with spiders? But really it just means people don’t like it.
(The problem with this theory is we never actually SAW anyone overusing spider references. But it’s plausible they would!)
“The average spider on Middle Earth is the size of a dinner plate” is a statistical error. The average spider on Middle Earth is smaller than a coin. Cirith Ungol (lit: Spiders Gorge), which contains a spider larger than a horse, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.
this map, by jonathan hull, shows all the places in the USA named after the devil or hell. assuming big giant awful spiders were a common thing in middle earth, it’s likely that there were a shit ton of Spider Stairways.
you don’t wander into Devil’s Lick assuming that satan himself is gonna give you a rimjob. you presumably also don’t head up Spider Stairs assuming an arachnid the size of a cottage is gonna try and eat your friend.
FUN FACT: A huge portion of the “Devil’s [OBJECT]” names in Wyoming are from a poor bastard called John Coulter, who was probably the first white man to see Yellowstone! He saw it because he got seperated from the Lewis and Clark expidition on their way back east, decided that with winter coming on, he should head south to stay ahead of the weather, rather than east to try to catch up with the party, and instead got lost inside the Yellowstone caldera, the COLDEST fucking part of Wyoming, with its scalding, posionous geysers, earthquakes, massive packs of wolves that weren’t afraid of people yet, and temperatures hitting as low as Negative 40, and naturally assumed that he had somehow taken a wrong turn into the Nnth Circle of Hell.
He lived, managed to get out of the caldera, took extensive notes on the landscape, eventunally met up with some Blackfoot tribesmen who gave him a horse and directions to the nearest european settlement, and he left, naming every single notable feature after hell or the Devil, because Wyoming is clearly His Infernal Country.
So as far as Frodo knows, “Spiders Pass” was just named by a particularly disgruntled and arachnophobic field cartographer.
Tags:
#that one post with the thing #it got better #Middle Earth #language #names #spiders #Spiders Georg #maps #geography #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #hell cw?
[footage of the inside of an ordinary Eastern-European home, taken with a handheld phone camera, the man filming is walking from the living room to the back door of the house]
man, narrating in russian: Every fucking year, this time of the year, the pond at my backyard gets infested. What do ponds get infested with? Frogs? Poisonous weeds? Geese? No. Not my pond.
[The man opens the back door, stepping out into a garden. Three or four nude, human-like figures dash from the borders of a pond back into the water.]
man: Rusalki! I don’t know where they come from or how they get here, and I can’t afford to hire an exterminator every year. I can’t let my cat outside anymore. Last year a rusalka managed to drown a whole deer in my pond, the stench was unbearable.
[He walks as he speaks, approaching the pond. There are several eerily beautiful female beings peering at him from under the surface, their long hair floating in the murky water. Their eyes are gleaming in an unhuman way. The man holding the camera stops to film them.]
man, calm and deadpan: What the fuck are all of you staring at. Get jobs or something.
[One of the rusalki, smaller than the others and clearly not a fully matured adult, slowly reaches out of the water with her white, thin hand, grasping his ankle. He appears unconcerned.]
man: You can’t drown me, you little idiot. You’re too small. Shoo!
[A loud thud startles the rusalki, making them scatter. A second thud makes it clear these are the approaching footsteps of something massive. The man turns around and points the camera at what appears to be a house, walking past above the treeline with chicken-like legs]
man, now yelling: IF YOUR HOUSE SHITS ON MY YARD AGAIN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD-
that theory that the Arkenstone is a Silmaril…it’s doubly implausible, but imagine if nobody knew. If the dwarves were guarded enough of their greatest treasure that…you wouldn’t even need to hide it from that many people, honestly. Mostly a few elves, and all wizards.
and then Bilbo sidles up to Gandalf like, “Thorin and all are holed up in the Mountain, but I think they’re being nuts, so I…kind of stole the Arkenstone, I think.” And (it’s been thousands of years since the light of the trees was doused save for the precious brilliance locked away in Feanor’s gems, since oaths and blood and war that raged until the skies cracked and the earth shattered, and the little people of the Shire have no memory of it at all) he pulls out a fucking Silmaril.
Gandalf: *hurriedly glances at Thranduil. the king of Mirkwood’s eyes shine with curiosity and greed, but not recognition, nor the terrible lust that overtook Feanor and his sons. right, right, he was never in Thingol’s court while the jewel that Luthien and Beren took was there. we’re good. we’re good for now*
Gandalf: That’s, uh, nice, Bilbo. Put it away, would you?
Gandalf, telepathically(?): EMERGENCY RINGBEARERS ONLY CONFAB NOW
Gandalf: [mental image of a goddam Silmaril in hobbit hands, labelled “thisfuckingrockagain.jpg”]
Galadriel, who watched 95% of her family slaughter everyone within 100 miles for several thousand years over these things, including each other and themselves: no.
Elrond, who was very nearly one of those people slaughtered, and did watch most of his town be killed before he and his twin were kidnapped for a while: Absolutely Fucking Not.
Gandalf: Apparently fucking yes. The legendary Arkenstone-
Galadriel: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Elrond: Thorin Oakenshield has a Silmaril right now?
I mean, given that Tolkien retconned “The Hobbit” so Bilbo’s little invisibility ring became an ancient piece of jewelry that controls minds and drives the mighty mad, one can at least understand why it seems plausible that the other shiny white gem that destroys empires and makes the mighty go mad with greed could be linked from his kid’s book to his gigantic early mythology in retrospect??
You know this actually explains a lot about why Gandalf didn’t immediately raise the alarm about Bilbo’s ring out of an abundance of caution.
I mean, what are the odds, what are the fucking odds, that this one little hobbit stole both a Silmaril and the Ring of Power? Like, you are Gandalf the Grey and you have already dealt with the heart attack to end all heart attacks because this little innocent fool stole a world war inspiring artifact once. You still get flashbacks every time Bilbo offers to show you something and have to employ all of your angel’s serenity and thousands of years of learned composure not start giBbERinG “ pleaseletitnotbeanotherartifactpleaseletitnotbeanotherartifact”.
And then. AND THEN! One day he’s like, “hey Gandalf let me show you this neat ring I found back on our journey”. And on the inside a tiny part of you is screaming “nottheoneringnottheoneringnottheonering” while a more rational part of your brain assures you it could not possibly be the one-
“It’s this plain gold ring that’s very precious to me and turns me invisible!”
AND THEN YOU FUCK OFF AND SEARCH THROUGH EVERY POSSIBLE TOME YOU CAN TO PROVE IT CAN’T REALLY BE THE RING OF POWER, SAURON’S RING OF POWER, THAT RING, THE ONE RING, LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TOME, BEFORE FINALLY FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING AGAIN
Tags:
#it got better #fanfic #Middle Earth #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
I know it’s 2020 but Merlin AU where Uther notices a bunch of problems that could only be solved by magic ~spontaneously~ getting solved around Arthur, and concludes that this must be a side effect of Arthur only existing due to magical intervention. An intense bigotry-versus-parental-love internal conflict commences, followed by some that’s-pretty-hypocritcal-of-you-isn’t-it-dad screaming external conflict, generally upending everything. Merlin is standing in the corner the entire time holding a serving jug of mead and sweating.
Morgana, dramatically slamming open the throne room doors with both arms: I’M ALSO UNWILLINGLY MAGIC. Arthur: What???? Morgana, raising one fist at him: Solidarity, motherFUCKER! Arthur:What????????
What’s Uther gonna do? What’s he gonna fucking do???? Execute his secret Scottish child, but not his nonsecret blond heir child??? They’re ganging up on him now. He’s fucking cornered.
At some point someone mentions that an eyewitness would be great. And they all realize that Merlin is persent for all these things and start asking Merlin what it looks like when Arthur performs these magical feats. And he’s half way through the royal mead so fuck it. And he starts talking about how Arthur glows and shit. And usually Merlin has to knock him on the head to get him to stop glowing and whooshing and what not and the idea that Merlin could be saving the prince from his own magical distraction is so absurd they decide it’s just a drunk idiot telling tales.
Merlin, really getting into this: It was to save you from your own magic, sire. I had no other choice. That’s… That’s what you do, you see a born sorcerer and you just wham, knock them out for their own good.
Morgana, thinking about her sleeping draughts: It’s true Arthur that’s what they do.
Arthur: I’m.
Morgana: But it’s fine look we just have to win Merlin over to the side of magic.
Merlin: …
Merlin: I don’t know guys, that’s going to be a tough sell.
Merlin: I just. I just don’t know if I could be persuaded.
Arthur: Merlin, you aren’t even from Camelot. Why would you have anti-magic biases.
Merlin: But you’re always so insistent magic is eeeevil.
Merlin: Maybe you should persuade me. Tell me what’s so great about sorcerers.
Merlin blatantly and magically refills the jug with more mead: What? Why’d you stop? Keep talking about how great sorcerers are Arthur. Come on now, you were just getting to the good parts.
Merlin, getting irritated after Arthur splutters for several minutes, gesturing with the jug: Look, there’s no need to be modest! Say that sorcerers are brilliant and amazing and have myriad skills and cheekbones you can etch glass with.
Arthur turning red because he still thinks they’re talking about him:
Morgana, tossing her hair: Thank you, Merlin. Your non-magical cheekbones are very nice too.
#it got better #BBC Merlin #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #story ideas I will never write #fanfic #embarrassment squick #god this is so in-character though #100% the sort of thing this show would do
scott lang, completely misunderstanding peter parker’s power: hey if u want man we could get tiny and just like hang out, i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a lego castle but it’s pretty sweet
peter parker: u have no idea how much physical pain having to turn this offer down is causing me but,
I was gonna SAY, Tony would fly out there, look at the thing, and go…. No, this isn’t life size. Impressive though. Okay, bugs, put on these helmets, we’re taking this into orbit and doing this at 1:1 scale.
Like, what if his name just happens to be Montgomery Scott, so all of his friends started calling him “Scotty,” and then every time he was introduced to a new person, they would be like “Oh, are you Scottish? My uncle was Scottish!”
And finally, he just gets sick of explaining the situation, so he starts replying with “aye, laddie!” But then it turns out that the person he said that to was Captain Kirk, and he doesn’t want to admit that he lied to his new commanding officer, so he has to keep speaking in a ridiculously over-the-top brogue and commenting constantly on how much he loves drinking Scotch, and by the time that he realises that Kirk would have found humour in the situation, he’s in too deep and can’t stop pretending, and it gradually just becomes his normal speech pattern.
Then, years later, the Enterprise is being inspected by a Starfleet engineer who’s actually Scottish, and Scotty takes him on a walking tour of his warp engines and is all like “Auch! Here be me wee bairns!” and the other engineer is just like “what the fuck is wrong with you?”
I take the fact that James Doohan is Canadian as evidence of this theory.
Scotty hacking into his Starfleet personnel file to alter his place of birth.
Scotty soundproofing his quarters on the Enterprise so that no one can hear him teach himself to play the bagpipes from instructional videos.
Scotty making a great show of taking a shuttle down to Aberdeen to “visit his family” every time the Enterprise is in Earth orbit and then, once on the ground, discreetly site-to-site transporting himself to Vancouver or whatever.
None of these things are out of character or beyond his technical ability.
Yeah, but also in character: Jim Kirk has known since Day 1 that Scotty is not, in fact, Scottish, but is just sitting there waiting to see how far Scotty is willing to go to keep the story going. It started out as an “enough rope” situation but now it’s one of Jim’s greatest ongoing sources of entertainment and he wouldn’t admit at gunpoint that he knows.
Frankly, as someone who’s paternal side is all Scottish, I simply can’t see any Scottish person not seeing this situation and running with it.
Next thing Scotty knows, half of Scottish Starfleet is claiming to be his brother’s sister-in-law’s half cousin twice removed and the Loch Ness Monster has been painted on the door to his quarters.
Kirk is busy dying of laughter.
Tags:
#Star Trek #TOS #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #embarrassment squick? #headcanons #may or may not have reblogged this before #(but the thread was shorter last time I saw it)
Brinens and Things 