Shit I’ve Heard High Schoolers Say

ilzolende:

writtenrain:

  • Why stop at capitalism? Destroy everything.

  • Guys it’s been three weeks since I’ve eaten a vegetable

  • At least we have memes to dull the pain of existence

  • An AP student: Oh my god I thought seven was less than six 

  • (while filling the cap of their water bottle with water) SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS 

  • friend one: If all your friends jumped off a bridge wou-
    friend two: probably

  • I’M GONNA GO HOME AND DRINK A WHOLE GLASS OF WEED

  • If cows ruled the world would they drink human milk?

  • student: my calculator is broken
    teacher: your calculator isn’t broken, you’re broken

  • no actually I think you have to be of age to be considered a cougar

  • (during math class on the second floor) student 1: so like how far do you think the distance is from that window to the ground?  
    student 2: enough

  • teacher: has anyone ever been to New Orleans?
    Student: does Popeyes count?

  • my word count on this paper isn’t very high but I certainly am

  • we’re in adult limbo. I’m not a teen and I’m not an adult. I’M SUFFERING, THAT’S WHAT I AM!

  • Look at my… (swings leg up to show shorts) not pants
  • Person Alison and I have nicknamed “Elsa”, despite him being male: brings in a USSR playground song about WWIII for history, translates it before Physics starts
  • The group I occasionally have played D&D with was carrying one of its members, for no clear reason, and handing him from person to person. They said they were playing “Pass the Bob(pseudonym)”. Bob looked mostly nonplussed about this.
  • Black-market potato chip vendors raising money for college
  • While waiting in one of the many lines for graduation, Bob starts humming. I ask him what he’s humming, and he tells me it’s the Russian national anthem. I start humming along. We get Elsa to actually sing it for us.

Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

Anonymous asked: in my experience dark chocolate is solely for vegans and lactose intolerant people who are all secretly jealous of people who eat milk chocolate which is 1000000x better

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answersfromvanaheim:

Well, it’s not really their fault if they can’t eat it due to intolerance.

Milk chocolate is exponentially better though.

 

tsreckoah:

Ngl I got into dark chocolate for the caffiene

 

satsekhem:

MILK CHOCOLATE OR DEEEEEEEEEEEATH

 

hyacinth-halcyon:

Milk chocolate is an affront against nature. Especially Hershey’s Milk Chocolate.

 

lizardywizard:

OH GOD hershey’s okay. hershey’s is not chocolate. hershey’s is wax and plastic scrapings solidified into a chocolate coloured bar. I am from England and the first time I tasted a Reese’s peanut butter cup my mouth caved in on itself and refused to open again for two days, so offended was it.

(slight exaggeration)

As an Official Brit I can tell you that 99% of American chocolate is Some Bullshit and you are Being Swingdled by the candy police, who want you to remain miserable all of your days. but there is hope! and light in this chocolateless wasteland!

which is to say HAVE YOU EVER TASTED BRITISH CHOCOLATE cause if you havent my frand im gonna deliver some a that shit DIRECT TO YOUR DOOR so that your mouth can experience the joy of EXPLODING OFF YOUR FACE like you’re in some old spice commercial. i’m on an iron horse.

and if you have then consider me duly corrected but i might deliver it anyway

 

brin-bellway:

My Girl Scout troop did a taste test when I was a kid: we took American Cadbury Dairy Milk bars and British Cadbury Dairy Milk bars and compared them. The more people go on about how superior British chocolate is (including all the other girls in my troop), the more I wonder if I got two American bars by mistake, because they were fucking identical.

(I would say “and I have a very good sense of taste, too”, but said good sense of taste needs a few months of training on a subject to fully kick in. If I eat a given processed food (yogurt, peanut butter granola bars, etc.) regularly, after a while I start tasting the batch variation, but I generally can’t do that right away.)

(The worst part is when you start developing opinions on which batches are better than others, or sometimes (for extra “fun”) which batches are good at all. Because grocery shopping totally needed more complexity and tradeoffs.)

Anyway, regarding milk vs dark, it really depends on what you’re used to. Dark chocolate seems too bitter if you’re used to milk, but if you keep at it (maybe in stages, using chocolates with intermediate cocoa concentrations), you get used to it and milk chocolate starts seeming too sweet.

 

lizardywizard:

To be fair, Dairy Milk is one of the less discernable ones because they actually try to make the American version taste like the British version. (I find American Dairy Milk edible.) I would try with say a Twix bar if you like those.

But they are indeed objectively different recipes! So it’s possible you did get the wrong ones by mistake.

(And yes I do the batch thing too sometimes!)

Like I said, everyone else could tell the difference. Mind you, I don’t think that one was a blind test, so who knows how much of it was power of suggestion. (The test we did a few years later, comparing a few different brands of bottled water and tap water, was blind. Everyone else thought the tap water we’d been raised on was best; I ranked it a close second behind the expensive-even-by-bottled-water-standards water. A bit awkward, that.)

Twix don’t have very much chocolate involved, do they? It’s a thin coating over the cookie and caramel. They’re okay, but I don’t actively seek them out. I note that the article you linked uses Kit Kats as one of the examples of differences, and I do sometimes seek out Kit Kats. (Snickers are my favourite, though.)


Tags:

#reply via reblog #food #chocolate #home of the brave

Anonymous asked: in my experience dark chocolate is solely for vegans and lactose intolerant people who are all secretly jealous of people who eat milk chocolate which is 1000000x better

answersfromvanaheim:

Well, it’s not really their fault if they can’t eat it due to intolerance.

Milk chocolate is exponentially better though.

 

tsreckoah:

Ngl I got into dark chocolate for the caffiene

 

satsekhem:

MILK CHOCOLATE OR DEEEEEEEEEEEATH

 

hyacinth-halcyon:

Milk chocolate is an affront against nature. Especially Hershey’s Milk Chocolate.

 

lizardywizard:

OH GOD hershey’s okay. hershey’s is not chocolate. hershey’s is wax and plastic scrapings solidified into a chocolate coloured bar. I am from England and the first time I tasted a Reese’s peanut butter cup my mouth caved in on itself and refused to open again for two days, so offended was it.

(slight exaggeration)

As an Official Brit I can tell you that 99% of American chocolate is Some Bullshit and you are Being Swingdled by the candy police, who want you to remain miserable all of your days. but there is hope! and light in this chocolateless wasteland!

which is to say HAVE YOU EVER TASTED BRITISH CHOCOLATE cause if you havent my frand im gonna deliver some a that shit DIRECT TO YOUR DOOR so that your mouth can experience the joy of EXPLODING OFF YOUR FACE like you’re in some old spice commercial. i’m on an iron horse.

and if you have then consider me duly corrected but i might deliver it anyway

My Girl Scout troop did a taste test when I was a kid: we took American Cadbury Dairy Milk bars and British Cadbury Dairy Milk bars and compared them. The more people go on about how superior British chocolate is (including all the other girls in my troop), the more I wonder if I got two American bars by mistake, because they were fucking identical.

(I would say “and I have a very good sense of taste, too”, but said good sense of taste needs a few months of training on a subject to fully kick in. If I eat a given processed food (yogurt, peanut butter granola bars, etc.) regularly, after a while I start tasting the batch variation, but I generally can’t do that right away.)

(The worst part is when you start developing opinions on which batches are better than others, or sometimes (for extra “fun”) which batches are good at all. Because grocery shopping totally needed more complexity and tradeoffs.)

Anyway, regarding milk vs dark, it really depends on what you’re used to. Dark chocolate seems too bitter if you’re used to milk, but if you keep at it (maybe in stages, using chocolates with intermediate cocoa concentrations), you get used to it and milk chocolate starts seeming too sweet.


Tags:

#reply via reblog #food #chocolate #home of the brave


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the mbti types as conversations i’ve overheard at my school

sinesalvatorem:

mbtipartyblog:

ENFP:  

 *jumps down two stairs* “Nailed it” 

*another kid jumps down three* “Duuuuuuude solid”

INFP: 

“dude, you’re like Patrick Star…just more offensive and in flip flops….and I love that about you but like…chill”

ENFJ

“My Laptop-“ 

“Our Laptop” 

“MY laptop that YOU stOLE from me-” 

“Our laptop”

INFJ: 

“Hahahahahahaha yeah man, amiright?” 

”….No….“ 

“Lol what”

 “No….that’s actually awful….you didn’t actually say that did you…?“

”….“ 

ENTP:   

 “Hey nice shirt. Who made it? Skrillex?” 

“NiCK STAHHHP” 

INTP:

“FUCKING PARABOLAS. FUCKIN EVERYWHERE FUUUUUCK.”

ENTJ:  

 “You know what /really/ peeves me? When someone comes to MY house and thinks they can play monopoly THEIR way. I make the rules here. I haven’t spoken to my cousin in three months.“   

INTJ: 

*chanting* “SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!”

ESFP: 

“HEY EVERYBODY GATHER AROUND HERE FOR A SECOND. YES. EVERYBODY. It’s Kyle’s birthday! I want you all to wish him a happy birthday!” 

“Dude no it’s not-”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLE! EVERYBODY SING! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y-”

ISFP:

“Duuude you have the voice of God AND Fergie”

ESTP: 

“FUCK YOU!!!!! I WANTED TO MAKE THE COMMENT ABOUT C-SECTIONING THE DEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!11”

ISTP: 

*demonic voice* “I LIVE TO VAPE” 

ESFJ: 

*in the middle of a story* “Okay, so Kevin gets added to the group chat at 12:23 right? He stays they’re till fucking 4:47 before he gets kicked out…man he lasted longer than I did” 

“Kevin. That fucking legend”

ISFJ:

“Dude you’re so ripped” 

“Thanks dude”

 “No, thank YOU”

ESTJ: 

 “I’ll show you…..I’LL MAKE VARSITY” 

ISTJ:

 “Yeah I asked our English teacher if it was okay if I brought him in some venison….and he considered it….but with the test coming up he said he didn’t want to be accused of accepting bribes or anything….“

This is glorious and also 100% my high school.

@inquisitivefeminist


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

mezzotessitura:

I was looking up the possibility of getting a Janeway figure for my adventuresoftheminis blog and looked on Amazon but

Is this a joke


Tags:

#Star Trek #Voyager #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #there’s coffee in that nebula! #(I note that when I type ”there’s coffee”) #(Tumblr’s ”popular tags” suggests I finish with ”in that nebula”) #it took me a moment to get the joke but it eventually clicked

TIL that the LibreOffice Canadian English dictionary doesn’t include “poutine”

how is this even a Canadian dictionary


Tags:

#my spellcheck has been broken for over a year #finally got around to figuring out how to fix it today #(turns out it actually wasn’t that difficult) #so now I’m going through my text documents and teaching the custom dictionary my idiosyncrasies #didn’t think I’d have to teach it ”poutine” #(the Firefox dictionary also doesn’t include ”poutine”) #(but that’s less surprising) #language #oh look an original post #our home and cherished land

sigmaleph:

amakthel:

mehveian:

droosy:

(bake me up) bake me up a pie / (one-third cup) of flour for our pie

How can you see into my pies / Like oven doors? / Leading you down into the store / Where we buy stuff for pie

Without a pie / My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold / Until you find it there / And give it a pie

(bake me up) / bake me up a pie / (One third cup) / Of flour for our pie / (Save me) / Set the temp and save me from no pie 

(bake me up) / Bid my pie to bake / (one third cup) / Or else my heart will brake / (Save me) / Save me from not having any pie

Now that I know what I’m without / You can’t just leave me / Feed it to me a slice of pie / Bring me a pie

(bake me up) / bake me up a pie / (one third cup) / Of flour for our pie /         (Save me) / Set the temp and save me from not having any pie 

(bake me up) / Bid my crust to flake / (one third cup) / Or else my heart will brake / (Save me) / Save me from the not having any pie

Bring me a pie / (I’ve been living a lie, there’s not any pie) / Bring me a pie

Frozen a pie without your touch / Without your love, darling / Only you, all the pie among the cake

(All of this I, I can’t believe I couldn’t see) / (Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me) / I’ve been pieless a thousand years, it seems / Got to open my eyes to all the pie

(Without a crust) / (Without a pan, without filling) / (Don’t let me die here) / (We must be baking more) / Bring me a pie

(bake me up) / bake me up a pie / (one third cup) / Of flour for our pie / (Save me) / Call my name and save me from the pieless state I’m in

(bake me up) / Bid the pie to bake / (one third cup) / Or else my heart will brake / (Save me) / Save me from this hunger for a pie

Bring me a pie / (I’ve been living a lie, there’s absence of pie) / Bring me a pie

…i should sing this

doooo iiiiit


Tags:

#food #music #(I haven’t checked whether all of this scans properly) #(the parts where I know how the tune goes do scan at least)

ray-winters-sings:

That’s it. This is the funniest yak I’ve ever seen. The rest of you may go home.


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(for my fellow Canadians: DiGiorno is American for Delissio) #(for those of you who are neither American nor Canadian: this joke depends on having seen an ad for a particular brand of frozen pizza) #(so it might not make much sense to you) #(maybe you can catch the next joke)


{{next post in sequence}}

jtotheizzoe:

popsci:

Alton Brown’s Secret Workshop: Inside the Mad (Food) Scientist’s Lair

Food Network star Alton Brown began hacking (he prefers the term “hacking” over “inventing”) on his food-science show Good Eats. During season one (which aired in 1999), he made an inexpensive fish smoker out of a cardboard box. Since then, his hacks have grown in size and showmanship. Brown’s Mega Bake oven uses 54 one-thousand-watt lights to cook a pizza in three minutes, and his Jet Cream makes carbonated ice cream in 10 seconds using two fire extinguishers—one filled with CO2 and the other with a “top secret” chocolate cream mixture.  

Brown has big plans for 2016, including releasing a new cookbook called EveryDayCook and embarking on a second national culinary variety show tour, the Eat Your Science tour, beginning in April in Charleston, South Carolina. In the meantime, Brown took a few minutes to talk with us about his inventions.

Read the interview here

Sensei, I am ready. Let’s collaborate.


Tags:

#Alton Brown #food #the power of science #I may be feeling some Good Eats childhood nostalgia