Inside of you there are two wolves. That’s nowhere near enough wolves to sustain the population, so we’re starting a reintroduction program. Open wide, please.
Tags:
#body horror? #wolves #(sort of) #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog
#oh my god #I never expected to see fandom memes for this story but here it is #Almost Nowhere #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog
There’s either no sexting on Discworld because all faster-than-postal communication must be manually encoded by a human (or other species) person, or there IS sexting and some poor clacks operator midway to Pseudopolis is out here Suffering like, broo…not again bro… just send her a letter, bro… a letter in the —ing mail…
Tags:
#Discworld #headcanons #nsfw text? #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog
I briefly forgot there were normal humans named Elijah and wondered why this person thought they were getting messages from Actual Prophet and Messiah-Herald Elijah the Tishbite.
also can we take a moment to think of solok, baby vulcan cadet at Starfleet Academy, who tried to study illogical human bonding rituals and somehow got into a twenty-year academically documented feud with sisko? he was probably doing an assignment for his vulcan professor of xenocultural studies. “go and study human bonding rituals”, they told him. “you will be spending a great deal of time with humans, it is necessary to understand the illogical ways in which they function”. that’s logical, cadet solok thinks. i will go to the human establishment called “bar” and attempt to study human bonding rituals.
the next day he hands in his assignment: “human cadets became hostile when told the goal of our study. they had imbibed large quantities of poisonous psychoactive liquids and had poor coordination and diction. cadet sisko challenged me to a wrestling match. when it was pointed out that i had no cause to fight him, and am physiologically superior to humans, he responded ‘suck it’. request for clarification was met with obscenity. in the interest of cultural understanding, i agreed to fight him, and defeated him fairly. when it was pointed out to him that i had foreseen this result, he responded with uncorroborated insults to my parental units. i believe this was a human bonding ritual. it is possible we are now bonded; further studies to follow.”
solok has been studying sisko for twenty years, he’s written a dozen papers. he probably got a grant from the vulcan science academy to show up at DS9 and piss sisko off as much as possible and document the results. his work is probably mandatory reading for first-year vulcans at starfleet academy. “The Effect of Chemical Intoxicants on Human Hostility: When Avoiding A Bar Fight Becomes Impossible” is the most-accessed study in vulcan psychological literature. “human refused to stop trying to fight me” is a recognized mitigating circumstance in disciplinary hearings for vulcan cadets. solok is considered a xenocultural pioneer. he hopes one day sisko will punch him in the face; what a fascinating data point that would make.
Tags:
#I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #Star Trek #DS9 #headcanons #violence cw
would like to add to this post and say that harry is uploading these videos to standard muggle youtube. people see this kind of scruffy, obviously Fucked Up kid rambling nonsense into his deskptop camera and just think he is really really good at shitposting
Harry, *filming himself with one hand, throwing raw meat at a seemingly empty space with the other*: “So anyways, you guys probably can’t see him through the camera lens but this weird fuck belongs to my best friend Luna who can’t actually take care of him right now because she’s out riding drag- er, um she’s on vacation in Romania so I have to do it. Um, the only reason I can see him is because I watched my close friend get murdered by an evil wizard when I was fourteen which, by the way, was around the same time I started to think I might be gay. Anyone else?”
Teens on tumblr who have no idea he’s being completely serious: “This is the only man alive who truly Gets me.”
Hermione finds out about his channel because someone she went to primary school with posts it to Facebook and then she marathons his entire channel overnight to make sure he’s not going to get arrested for breaking the statute of secrecy
Hot Take: they can’t arrest him for jackshit because Hermione shows them Muggle memes and demonstrates that the Youtube audience legitimately has no reason to believe he’s anything but an elaborate shitposter.
Slughorn:let me tell you the story of the kid who survived and killed the dark lord who was in this exact class where i teach him the most important part of potions
Muggleborn:cool cool
Slughorn:Harry Potter
Muggleborn: THE FREAKIN YOUTUBER
Tags:
#Harry Potter #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog
The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.
“The following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, I’m, like, 93% sure you’re a white guy and your costume is racist.
“Number Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuck’s sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.
“Number Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, wait… That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, you’re fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?
“Anyway, where was…? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, ‘would not stop talking about Mythbusters.’ Well, excuse me for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves it’s goddamn Shakespeare? Well… Well, it’s Carroll, but… Oh, you know what I mean!
“Number Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointy objets d’art while you ‘distracted’ the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.
“Number Eight: Kite Man.”
Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.
“You know what you did…”
His demeanor shifts quickly, and he’s back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.
“Number Nine! Th-”
He’s interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls, “Riddler!”
“Oh, for the love of-” He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly. “Number Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while I’m on television making very important- Hm-mmph!”
He’s reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.
If I were batman I’d give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.
Batman: Riddler, you’ve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know that’s wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So I’m giving you five minutes, and then I’m taking you to Arkham
Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.
Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.
This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.
Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.
Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube. He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives away…fuck I don’t know…Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right.
“Riddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one? The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon! Which isn’t much of a Riddle, but seriously I’m down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.”
Bringing this back because “YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain” has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.
Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Tags:
#Batman #fanfic #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog
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