This is a conspiracy theory about events that happened in my current home before I ever got here. Let me spin the tale as I have received it across the seas of time…
The Potato Incident (alternate names: Potatogate, Potatoghazi, The Potatopocalypse, and The Coup of 18 Pomme-de-Terre) was a calamity that befell my beloved homeland deep in the ancient past. Historians estimate it to have occurred some time last year, but all true citizens know it to be at least six thousand years old.
It all started when Lord Ozymandias brought home a treasure trove of approximately nine zillion potatoes which they had raided from a nearby grocery store. @transgirlkyloren, as they are now known to us, proceeded to leave the zillions of potatoes in the bottom of the pantry for many moons.
However, unbeknownst to the residents of this home, a Change was occurring within the potatoes. For, as they soon learned, leaving a fuckton of organic matter pressed together in a warm and dark location is a Bad Idea. Soon, the potatoes had liquefied, oozing out across the land and consuming all in their path. Armies fought desperately against the rising tide of evil until one hero stepped forth to face the challenge.
Lady @lethriloth went forth and destroyed the starchy menace; banishing it to the landfill. She then spun round on the citizenry. Her eyes shone; her hands grew talons; three rings of bright flame encircled her head. She let forth a bellowing cry from beyond time itself and said “STOP BOILING GOATS IN THEIR MOTHERS’ MILK YOU MEDIOCRE DUNCES”
Thus was unleashed the coup of 18 Pomme-de-Terre and the Reign of Pomme-de-Terror. Ever since, we have lived under the benevolent and uncriticisable rule of the tyrant, and the citizens of Gondolin have been loud in our whaling. Ozy, of course, fled the scene several months later, pursued by a bear. At least, this is the official history, which may have been embellished by later generations and by the political whims of the new regime. Hence, we have the conspiracy:
Were the liquid potatoes an inside job?
Don’t you think this was awfully convenient for Her Majesty The Supreme Ruler of All The Food Touches and Dictator For Life or Maybe Even Beyond That Because Do You Really Trust Her To Stay Down? I mean, how seriously should we take the claim that potatoes would “““rot”””? After all, not even jet-fuel can melt potatoes – you expect time to? A likely story…
First, let us consider the humble potato in greater depth. Potato is “תפוח אדמה” in Hebrew. The gematria value of this is 544. Do you know what else has a gematria value of 544? Both “reptilian bloodline” (no, seriously) and “cast out”. Clearly, this means that @lethriloth is a reptilian who conspired to cast Ozy out of our home.
This is further confirmed by taking the sum of 5+4+4. That’s right: 13. The number of participants at the last supper, right before Jesus was cast out to be crucified under Pontius Pilate.
And what did they eat at that last supper? That’s right: potatoes. How do we know? Because Jesus says to his disciples that they are eating, in his words, “my body”. In Hebrew, this is “הגוף שלי”, which has a gematria value of 434. However, what he’s giving them is his body manifest in food. Therefore, to get the full value of what they consumed, we must add “food”, which is 110. 434 + 110 = 544. Therefore, the disciples ate potatoes.
And what do you get if you give Lethriloth a potato? Behold: Lethriloth + Potato = 400 + 544 = 944 = Political Corruption
It all adds up
Do not say you were not warned
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(fair warning: I only checked a few of the numbers) #(but it wouldn’t detract from the humour and it’s not like I really know how to double-check gematria anyway) #storytime #unsanitary cw
Brinens and Things 