The “horror nerd has valuable skills” trope is quite a respected tradition in film by now. Often, this is subverted by the fact that the nerd is still useless (Scream), sometimes it’s played straight (Monster Squad), and sometimes it’s somewhere in the middle (Lost Boys.) But you know what I haven’t seen?
The same trope applied to readers of paranormal romance.
I want a gory teenage horror movie where one of the survivors is a girl who’s the Catherine Morland of Junior High. She’s read Twilight, she’s read all the Twilight knockoffs, she’s got a shelf full of Harlequin supernatural romances, and when she’s at a thrift store she scours romance book racks for anything with a vampire, werewolf, or fairy on the cover.
So when the supernatural bad guys attack, she feels she’s prepared and knows all about them. And the worst part, that will be most grating to our heroes? She’s absolutely right.
“Alright, Lillith, you need to go and talk to the vampire,” Olympia says, expression sombre as they gather outside of the night club where the rest of their friends have been taken.
“What?” Lillith asks. “Why do I have to go and talk to the vampire?!”
“Because! First of all, your name is ‘Lillith’. Second of all, you are a skinny white brunette who – for some unfathomable reason – has zero self-esteem about your appearance, despite looking almost entirely like a supermodel, a delicate constitution, and let’s be real here, out of everyone you are by far the likeliest to be the reincarnation of some Victorian lady who died tragically of illness before her vampire lover could whisk her off to the shores of immortality.”
Lillith hesitates.
“Oh no,” she says.
“Let me guess. You’ve been having dreams?” Olympia surmises.
“But he’s creepy!” Lillith protests.
“Look, after what happened with Peter and the werewolf, are you really gonna back down now?” Olympia demands. “You don’t have to marry the creep, he’s probably been longing for death of centuries and will be content enough to go if he can explode into dust motes in the sunlight after looking at your face ‘one last time’, okay? So just make with the fated re-introduction so we can get into the club and rescue everyone from the succubi.”
The two young women stare one another down.
Olympia lets out a breath of relief as resolve fills Lillith’s gaze, and she turns and heads towards the conspicuously pale figure making his way towards the club’s entrance.
Things might actually being go well, for a change. But then she hears it. Approaching the club, faintly at first, but then loud enough to almost sound like a car pulling up the street.
The jangling bells of the Fairy King’s coach.
Oh, shit, Olympia thinks, because she knows. This one…
This one is hers.
Tags:
#storytime #vampires
Brinens and Things 