foone:

idalwaves:

foone:

People keep showing up uninvited to our Vampire Club and we immediately know they don’t belong, for obvious reasons

If they’re the DoorDash delivery person, I at least hope y’all give them a good tip. /joking

Look, we’re vampires. We don’t eat. If we’re doordashing to a vampire club meeting, it’s so we can feed on the delivery guy.

And that’s a terrible idea, which is one of the reasons we have to have regular vampire club meetings. You can’t just eat delivery drivers, especially not ones you ordered to your own house, damn it!

There’s way too much of a paper trail. These drivers are GPS tracked and everything. You’re basically telling the police exactly when and where your snack went missing. You don’t think they’ll figure out you’re involved and start asking questions?

This is an important thing to teach old vampires because so many of us have been hanging out since the 1750s and don’t really understand this newfangled tech. And while it’s relatively easy to teach an old dog a new trick (like ordering stuff on a smartphone), the problem is that they don’t fully understand how it works. It’s basically magic to them. So they’ll just get themselves in trouble. Thus the whole “don’t DoorDash a victim to your house!” talk I give at all these vampire groups (ideally each vampire community should have their own tech guy, but wouldn’t you know it, a bunch of immortals are vaguely conservative in their ways and haven’t gotten with the program and turned some IT tech at the local call center… So I have to travel a lot)

And no, Orlop*, for the last time: using dating apps is not the Modern Vampire Lifehack you think it is either. There’s a paper trail again. Your virgin meal’s roommate is just gonna call the cops and go “my roommate went on a date and hadn’t been back in a week” and they’ll get grindr to give them the records and it’ll lead them right to LestatDaddy69.

Besides, your bewitching aura doesn’t work over an app, so you can’t exactly mesmerize them into coming home with you. Plus you can’t fill your profile with sexy selfies if YOU DON’T SHOW UP ON CAMERAS.

Anyway the current times are tough on vampires. They’re used to having a lot of their meals basically fall into their open mouths, but situations have changed. If some poor soul has their car break down outside your creepy mansion, they’re not gonna come inside and ask to stay the night or use your phone, they’re gonna call AAA or use an app to summon an Uber.

And no one is doing door to door salesman shit anymore, they’ll just spam your Hotmail address.

So vamps are getting desperate, and this is leading many of them to get sloppy and do foolish things. Which is exactly the opposites of how vampires need to act: we are immortals and need to look at the long game. Let humans do short-sighted things, we gotta think about what we’ll be doing in 200 years. And from that perspective, the absolute last thing we need to do is get a bunch of vamps caught by the cops and end up triggering another big anti-vampire crusade. Do you want another Svalbard Incident? Because I sure as fuck don’t!

The average batfuck can’t even imagine how bad it would be if we got the government on our asses. Do you know how easy it would be to figure out half the vamps in the country if they started doing metadata analysis specifically to look for us? Hell, census records alone would give you a bunch of vamps just because of how lazy ya’ll have been with hiding the fact that you’ve owned the same moldy mansion since before the revolutionary war.

This is the kind of shit I have to deal with all the time. These bloodsuckers who are so arrogant because they’ve been living large for a couple hundred years and don’t seem to realize what I’m telling them: the hemotypicals have them outnumbered a million to one and they have computers now. You can’t keep acting like this is still the depression era when you could grab some worker off the street and have no one notice or care that they went missing. You are going to get your undead ass killed, and more importantly, get the rest of us killed too.

Gah. At least I don’t have to teach them how to us windows 98 anymore. Thank fuck for the user friendliness of iPhones.

* editors note: the Orlop deck is part of wooden sailing ships. Vamp!Foone probably meant (Count) Orlok, the antagonist of the 1922 German expressionist film Nosferatu – Eine Symphonie des Grauens)

Tags:

#storytime #vampires #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once