Concept: Great Old Ones arranged from most to least fuckable.
OKAY PEOPLE, SIT DOWN, BECAUSE I MADE A LIST. I even made a list with REASONS. Fuck yeah I’ve been waiting for someone to ask about the fuckability of the Mythos deities for a long time.
Pretty sure these aren’t all Great Old Ones but I don’t care.
Azathoth – The Seething Nuclear Chaos, the Blind Idiot God, being faced with him would destroy your mind and he wouldn’t notice you anyway. Probably one of the least fuckable. You kinda want your partner to at least be aware that you’re there. And not make you lose it.
Nyarlathotep – Dude. Dude. Have you seen the number of FORMS this guy can take? And how much special attention he pays a human when he chooses that human to take interest in? I imagine he has something for everybody, he’d be fully focused on you, it could blow your mind. GO FOR IT.
Shub-Niggurath – The All-Mother, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, the lady who is often portrayed as either a shifting mass of genitals or VERY satyr-like? Her cult is lucky as hell and you’d be lucky to be part of it. There’s no way she doesn’t top this list.
Yog-Sothoth – Canonically had sex with and twin children by a human woman without her dying or going mad as a result, so this seems like a pretty safe bet. Might not be your most interesting option personality-wise, but I bet that form is hot as fuck if you’re at all xeno, which. If you’re not, why are you even interested in a list of Most Fuckable Great Old Ones? Get outta here.
Hastur – I have no solid reason for wanting to say that Hastur is eminantly fuckable, but good lord I imagine they must be. I want to say this would be an intense and fun experience. Maybe because they come across as a muse to me, associated with writers and actors as they are.
Hydra and/or Dagon – Mother and Father of the Deep Ones, the Deep Ones being fish people who totally do get married to, fuck, and have children with humans, so your odds are good. They’re also apparently super huge so if you’re into size kink along with your xeno then that’ll be fun for you. If you did have kids via either of them they’d be great parents, too, which is always a plus.
Cthulhu – Dead Cthulhu Lies Dreaming deep under the ocean, and when he wakes up he’s gonna go on that huge rampage of his, so, eh. Of course, eventually when things settle down he and his peeps will be teaching and mentoring humanity in its ascension to becoming Something Else, so after that whole scenario there’s some kinky mentor potential, but that’d depend on his awakening happening in your lifetime and you surviving it, so.
Atlach-Natcha – I mean, on the one hand, giant spider with a human face. Doesn’t seem incredibly fuckable by that description, even for xeno furries like myself. On the other hand, she spins the web that connects the waking world to the Dreamlands, so if she wanted I bet you could have some crazy sex dreams. That sounds amazing so I’m gonna say it counts and you should go for it.
Tsathoggua – Huge bat-toad, which honestly just makes him sound super cute. May or may not eat sacrifices, but hey. I like those odds. [finger-guns] He’s also super into self-indulgence and is very intelligent, though lazy. If he wanted to I bet the sex could be great, given that he’d want to indulge himself and encourage you indulging yourself.
Mordiggian – The Charnal God, the Great Ghoul, so like, his form is either a giant mass of darkness straight-up or probably something skeletal or ghoulish. He’s probably not going to be interested in fucking anybody, is what I’m saying here. Even if he went along with it, how would that work without being kinda gross? Necrophilia is where I draw a line, sorry. Fucking this one is unlikely.
Yig – I mean, “a serpent man, serpent with bat-like wings, or… a giant snake” sounds pretty damn hot to me (told you I was a xeno furry). And he’s apparently as easily pleased as he is easy to anger, and as long as you don’t kill any snakes you should be just fine, that seems to be his one rage button.
Daoloth – I mean he’s basically a complex, indescribable shape/mass of metal that transports you to a bizzare and alien world if he touches you, is constantly growing if not held within containment (while in this universe) so could accidentally just… kill everything, and if you actually look at him (ie if things aren’t in pitch black) you lose your mind. While the darkness part makes me want to find SOME way to say this would be kinky, I just don’t think there’s any way it could work. Sorry, you can’t fuck geometry this time.
Cthugha – He’s a giant ball of fire. Even if you like temperature play, fire during sex, things like that, I’m just not sure how this one would work. It would have to involve masturbation with Cthugha nearby, or you having sex with someone else while he voyeurs, or something. Not super fuckable himself.
Y’Golonac – With a name like “the Defiler” you know this one’s gonna be good. Y’Golonac is “the god of perversion and depravity,” a sadist, he encourages “depravity” in humans, and he has a mouth in each palm and is at least sometimes portrayed as having a mouth at his crotch as well. I’m betting he’s a fuckin’ AMAZING Dom, is what I’m saying.
Gla’aki – On the one hand, all his worshippers are undead, because if you touch one of his spines you die and turn undead and join his hivemind. Also he’s a giant slug covered in spines. So I’m not sure how that’d work, but on the OTHER hand, he’s apparently intensely smart, so he might be able to think of some way to make it work himself, and some people find hivemind stuff kinky, so if being a zombie doesn’t bother you, idk. I don’t know your life.
Abhoth – Don’t. You’ll get an infection.
Ithaqua – Another giant, so great for size kink, and if you join his cult you won’t be affected by the cold, so the arctic wastes will become a great potential for mild temperature play, so there’s that. Again he may or may not eat people, but on the other hand, he’s apparently tried to reproduce a lot because he’s incredibly lonely, and there’s, like, some bullshit romance novel potential right there. But if you want to stay on Earth, I wouldn’t.
Yegg Ha – If you find Nightgaunts sexy, this is the god for you! And who doesn’t find the faceless, totally silent, super strong, winged nightgaunts sexy? I’m betting this one’s super into tickle play, though, so if that does nothing for you, maybe refrain.
Tru’nembra – Living noise. It’s also possible he’s not really aware of what decible level humans can handle, given that he’s described “with soundwaves louder then ever recorded blasting off of the shimmering mass of air he would manifest in.” Even if he was quieter, though, not sure how sex would actually work. Maybe he could be your mood music/horrible background porn soundtrack, but like with Cthugha, sex with him wouldn’t actually be a thing.
Yidhra – A “beautiful, awesome, and terrible earth-mother” who is regularly being reborn, the fact that she’s another lady (lady deities are RARE in the Mythos wow) made me want to add her, and when I saw that she’s fuckin’ telepathic and an an illusionist I knew I had made a good choice. Can you imagine all the ways someone could use telepathy and illusions during sex? The only downside is that she doesn’t seem very xeno. Maybe more like fucking a classical goddess or someone with superpowers. Still, fuckin’ awesome.
SO MY FINAL LIST, IN ORDER FROM MOST TO LEAST FUCKABLE:
1. Shub-Niggurath
2. Nyarlathotep
3. Y’Golonac
4. Hastur
5. Hydra and/or Dagon
6. Atlach-Natcha
7. Yog-Sothoth
8. Tsathoggua
9. Yidhra
10. Yig
11. Yegg Ha
12. Cthulhu
13. Ithaqua
14. Mordiggian
15. Gla’aki
16. Cthugha
17. Tru’nembra
18. Azathoth
19. Daoloth
20. AbhothHELL YEAH.
You know that moment when you see a notification on your dashboard, informing you that the reblog of your dreams has finally happened?
I disagree with some of the final list here, but I’m so glad someone finally engaged with me on this in a well-reasoned and considerate way.
Tags:
#nsfw text #Lovecraft #oh my god #somebody actually wrote a list #I saw the concept getting passed around before but nobody had actually taken them up on it #I don’t even really know this fandom #(and I probably don’t want to because I hate horror) #but I’m weirdly glad that this exists
Brinens and Things 