Much of science has, to date, been concerned with the pressing issue of lycanthropy, or as it is known to the layperson, “werewolfism.” Chemistry, biology, physics, astronomy, and suchlike have made much pretense of tending to other matters, offering up such developments as “medicine” or “computers” or “spaceflight” to justify their existence as ordinary, legitimate, non-werewolf-oriented fields of study. Vaccination? Smallpox was a convenient excuse, but we can all see that the real aim of that project was developing antigens to whatever bacteria might be involved in the werewolf process. The Large Hadron Collider might smash tiny particles into tinier particles on a day-to-day basis, but if you press hard enough into CERN’s encrypted blueprints you’ll find the secret designs for loading it with a massive payload of molecularly unstable silver, enough to take out an entire small West European country in the event that it fell to a widespread outbreak of lycanthropy or a swift lycurgarchic coup. The moon landing? It speaks for itself, one should think. How else could NASA mine the moon with a nuclear payload capable of tearing it apart in a worst case scenario? The average citizen might simply accept the fruits of so-called scientific progress, idly enjoying the comforts of smartphones and hot pockets and downloadable pornography, but the truthseer dares to ask question. He dares to ask, why would anyone invent the telescope, if not to keep track of the coming werewolf threat? Why would mankind dare slip the surly bonds of gravity in magnificent flying machines, if not to rain down silver-tipped hell on the strictly terrestrial wolfpeople? Why the waffle iron, if not as a weapon of war?
Of course, the existence of a world-spanning conspiracy spending billions of dollars and untold amounts of labor every year to eradicate a small minority of genetic deviants does nothing to exonerate the persecuted werewolves. It has been well known since the times of Imhotep and Euclid that the danger posed by a transformed lycanthrope is sufficient to overwhelm any number of armed persons that might be sent into combat with it, necessitating the development of a technological advantage to leverage untransformed humanity into superiority over the wolf-headed monster. Likewise, the contagious aspect of werewolfism elevates it from a mere danger to life and limb to an outright existential threat, one that would have long since rendered humanity an extinct species trammeled in the wake of homo lupus if not for scientific counteradvances. The danger of werewolves is obvious. But what we must ask ourselves is, if we ordinary people are mere sheep to be preyed upon, then who—or what—lies behind science? What masters drive the engines of human progress? Vampires, obviously. Ancient enemies of werewolfkind, on account of there being only so many necks to go around, they have stockpiled the treasure troves of Mansa Musa and fallen Carthage to fund scientific progress, throwing the scraps to ordinary humanity while keeping the ultrasonic repulsor smartphone apps, silver-projectile railguns, and anti-solar battle mecha to themselves. Every scientist, from the white lab-coated goons of the centrifuge mills to the celebrated celebrity wunderkind of the modern media are held in a vampire’s thrall, whether through their dread hypnotic gaze, or by virtue of being a vampire themselves. Galileo? Vampire. Ada Lovelace? Vampire. Einstein? Double vampire. The trend is undeniable.
Caught, as it were, between a rock and a hard place, the rock being the rock that orbits are planet on a monthly basis and transforms a significant percentage of our population into slavering man-beasts, the hard place being the white tips of a vampire’s fangs against our species’ collective jugular, we have but one choice. In our darkest hour, in the last ragged gasping of humanity’s hope, we must turn to the allies who have been within us from the dawn of time, must draw strength from something we see every day and yet never contemplate. Skeletonkind, our saviors, will rise from the earth, and fight side by side along the “skinfolk,” as they call us, to drive the bleak regime of wolfmans and draculas out of their fortified towers and into the fiery pits of hell. Do your all for mankind. Grab a bottle of milk, and build a strong, deadly skeleton.
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #unreality cw #vampires #werewolf
Brinens and Things 