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brin-bellway:

paradigm-adrift:

In the last 3 years I got tinnitus, feeling like I’m suffocating, and joint pain added to my moment-to-moment suffering. That’s 1 constant burden added per year. Let alone the several other minor things breaking during that time that I notice daily but not constantly.

At this rate I’ll have about 50 problems as bad as tinnitus weighing on me at any given moment by the end of my expected life span. Actually, rumor has it that new problems accelerate as you get older rather than showing up at a constant rate, so if the last 3 years aren’t a fluke, 50 could be too optimistic.

But that can’t possibly be true, right? Yeah, aging is bad, but if it were that bad people would get almost-universally institutionalized indefinitely in their 40s as the constant torture accumulates, probably, and that clearly isn’t the case. It’s gotta be better than what my gut instinct suggests the future will be like, right?

Right?

I used to wonder about this myself (right down to the annual frequency), and from my experience thus far it seems like at least part of the answer is: not all long-lasting problems are permanent. They sometimes mysteriously *disappear* just as they mysteriously appeared.

I’m not prone to earwax clogs anymore (as I was for roughly a decade). I don’t get waves of stomach pain every night around 12:50 AM anymore (several years). I usually don’t have an itching response to my own sweat anymore (~two years). I tried stopping my use of dandruff shampoo recently to see if the dandruff would come back, and so far it *hasn’t*.

(This isn’t even counting the late-onset dysmenorrhea, the chronic constipation, or the once-frequent rashes on the backs of my hands, for all of which the underlying tendency is still there but very well-controlled.)

I’m not *planning around* the possibility that, say, my ability to breathe unfiltered outdoor non-winter air will someday return, but I acknowledge that it might and I’ll gladly accept the bonus to my expected quality-of-life if it does.

#A good answer! #Thank you. (paradigm-adrift)


Tags:

#conversational aglets #is the blue I see the same as the blue you see #aging cw #medical cw #illness tw? #injury cw? #venting cw?

paradigm-adrift:

In the last 3 years I got tinnitus, feeling like I’m suffocating, and joint pain added to my moment-to-moment suffering. That’s 1 constant burden added per year. Let alone the several other minor things breaking during that time that I notice daily but not constantly.

At this rate I’ll have about 50 problems as bad as tinnitus weighing on me at any given moment by the end of my expected life span. Actually, rumor has it that new problems accelerate as you get older rather than showing up at a constant rate, so if the last 3 years aren’t a fluke, 50 could be too optimistic.

But that can’t possibly be true, right? Yeah, aging is bad, but if it were that bad people would get almost-universally institutionalized indefinitely in their 40s as the constant torture accumulates, probably, and that clearly isn’t the case. It’s gotta be better than what my gut instinct suggests the future will be like, right?

Right?

I used to wonder about this myself (right down to the annual frequency), and from my experience thus far it seems like at least part of the answer is: not all long-lasting problems are permanent. They sometimes mysteriously *disappear* just as they mysteriously appeared.

I’m not prone to earwax clogs anymore (as I was for roughly a decade). I don’t get waves of stomach pain every night around 12:50 AM anymore (several years). I usually don’t have an itching response to my own sweat anymore (~two years). I tried stopping my use of dandruff shampoo recently to see if the dandruff would come back, and so far it *hasn’t*.

(This isn’t even counting the late-onset dysmenorrhea, the chronic constipation, or the once-frequent rashes on the backs of my hands, for all of which the underlying tendency is still there but very well-controlled.)

I’m not *planning around* the possibility that, say, my ability to breathe unfiltered outdoor non-winter air will someday return, but I acknowledge that it might and I’ll gladly accept the bonus to my expected quality-of-life if it does.


Tags:

#reply via reblog #is the blue I see the same as the blue you see #aging cw #medical cw #illness tw? #injury cw? #venting cw?


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maryellencarter:

brin-bellway:

maryellencarter:

so like. there’s this budgeting thing called the 50/30/20 method. apparently it is popularized by elizabeth warren? the idea is you spend only 50% of your budget on needs, 30% on wants, and 20% on savings or debt reduction (after counting all minimum payments on your current debt as part of Needs).

So I know my bills take up more than one of my 2 paychecks a month. (I ignore the occasional third one for budgeting purposes till it rolls around, so I don’t overbudget for months that don’t have one.) So for curiosity’s sake, I broke down my entire budget into Needs, Wants, and Savings, then did percentage math at it.

For this purpose, you count your non-tax payroll deductions, like healthcare and 401(k) contributions, as part of your income and expenses, but you don’t count money that goes away as taxes. So the budget starts off with putting 401(k) contributions in Savings and healthcare deductions in Needs. Then you start listing off shit like rent, utilities, car expenses…

Right now, while I’m still catching up on a bunch of my COVID-deferred bills and loans, my Needs come out to about 74% of my income. However, my Wants are very minimal: I have my massage subscription and tip, I’ve budgeted for fast food or takeout maybe 2-3x a month, and I pledge to one Patreon at the $1 level. All together, my Wants are about 6% of my income, leaving the requisite 20% to go toward reducing COVID debt for now.

However, once my COVID deferrals are all paid off, my Needs go down to about 67% of my income – and this is with generous projections, like at least one specialist copay every single month and gasoline if we ever start driving again. My Wants stay at about 6%. So I could either use the other 27% for savings and debt reduction, or I could stick with the recommended 20% and have 13% of my budget for Wants.

And I’m like… this is so much money. This is $150 just unallocated *after* going out to eat at least once a month and keeping my massage subscription. That’s… I do not know what else I would want. I could buy my entire wardrobe at LL Bean. I could have a massage every single week. I could eat at a sit-down restaurant every week. I could buy the newest and most expensive iPhone every single year. I could buy a brand new American Girl doll every month with money to spare. Like I couldn’t do all of those at *once* obviously, but that’s with just 7% of my income by this method of reckoning.

Like, if I somehow did make twice my Needs expenses after tax. That’s not impossible; I’d have to make a little under $33k a year, or a little over $2700 a month, which would be about $17 an hour excluding taxes. I don’t expect to get there at my current job in the near future, but it’s not astronomical.

But like, at that point I’d be saving about $545 a month, covering all my Needs expenses, and I would have *over eight hundred dollars a fucking month* to spend on Wants! Like… jesus fuckwaffles. How would I… I could buy a new one of my current phone every single month and have money left over. I could go to one of those black-tie restaurants that are like $100 a plate *twice a week*. I could not only move into a bigger apartment but hire a maid service to clean it. I could buy every single book I’ve ever read in short order and pay to store them all. I could live on like… caviar and avocado toast.

Hell, even if my living expenses were somehow miraculously reduced and my Needs were only half of my tax-excluded pay *now*, I’d be living on a little over $1000 a month, saving about $400 a month, and trying to figure out how to spend $600 a month on Wants. How… I don’t fucking know what else I could want. I’m not used to having money to spare. It’s weirder than winning the lottery, even, because it’s just like… it’s not enough to go “I will pay off all my friends’ student loans and buy a condo!” but it’s enough that I’m like “Do I just… put all 27% of my income in savings? Do I save for a car? Pay off my student loans? Invest for retirement? Am I fundamentally missing something I should be wanting?”

That sounds like a sign that 50/30/20 isn’t for you.

A lot of budgeting methods have this…maybe not “problem” exactly, but this thing where they’re clearly aimed at people who start with an entertainment budget of “everything after necessities” (or in many cases even higher) and negotiate *downwards*, which makes the methods a bad fit for people who start with an entertainment budget of zero and negotiate *upwards*. I guess the people spending money they don’t have on things they could do without are the ones most in need of frameworks, so the frameworks are designed for them. Getting *down* to 30% is a good start for people who were previously spending *more*.

Personally, I do struggle to wrap my head around things that draw a bright line between “wants” and “investments”. Sure, there are *occasional* items–like restaurant food–that are just wants and not also investments, but by far the most common reason for me to want to buy something is because I think it will leave me better off in the long run. I have a long list of things to save up for, and it’s all stuff like “house repairs” and “things that give you a leg up on Vimes Boot Theory” and “retirement funds” and “hedging against the future being wildly different from the present, such that normal retirement funds don’t cut it [link]”.

I think it’s important to bear in mind: given how weird your life is in general, and in particular the fact that your ability to work has a history of fluctuating erratically, saving is even more important for you than for most people.

There’s a concept called “self-insurance”. (…actually it turns out that there are at least *two* similar-but-not-identical concepts called self-insurance, and the Wikipedia article is about the wrong one. Investopedia [link] has the right idea.) You, in particular, *really* should get disability insurance if you can possibly manage it, and while third-party disability-insurance companies *exist*, you’d have to file claims (during the periods of time when you are least capable of filing claims!), and take the risk that whatever shit happens to you next won’t technically be disability by their standards, and operate under rules designed to let the insurance company turn a profit. (The house always wins.) Ideally, then, what you’d want is to instead save up enough in the good times that you can cover the bad times yourself.

(For example: you mention you’re digging your way out of COVID-related debt. My brother was temporarily laid off in the spring, and because of [glitches in the hastily-expanded Canadian welfare system] was unable to receive any kind of unemployment payments in time to actually help him with it. But he had lots of money in his savings account, and he used some of *that* to cover his bills until the restaurant re-opened. Now that he’s working again, he’s replenishing it; in the long run, he plans to save up enough for a condo.

(We not-quite-joked that if the glitch had to happen to *someone* at his workplace, it’s good that it happened to him: his co-workers spend all their money on booze and weed and wouldn’t have been able to handle it. His co-workers, meanwhile, not-quite-joke that they should get him hooked on something so they can drag him back into the crab bucket.))

Yeah, idk if I’m just not looking in the right places, but the budgeting advice I can find all seems to skew really strongly toward “quit your starbucks habit! cut off the cable channels you don’t watch! do you really need a cell phone?” rather than like… you know, “I was raised on 3¢ a chore, I have absolutely no idea how financially healthy people cope with having discretionary income and I want guidelines”.

My priorities are different from yours obviously, but yeah, my list of things to save up for (other than straight-up debt reduction, which is a big one) are things like “new orthotic shoes” and “when my car breaks down again”. Freedom, essentially. Transportation is big for me, even though my current place of residence has by far the best public transit system I’ve used outside of Washington DC. (Buses every 10-15 minutes? Wtf is this sorcery?) Maybe moving into a ground-floor apartment eventually so I can stop carrying groceries up the fucking stairs, but I’d have to afford to pay movers because I can’t physically get my loveseat down the stairs by myself. And when it comes down to it, I kind of prefer not having to actually move everything.

I actually have disability insurance through my work, and then I managed to completely space on it while I was out on FMLA and didn’t realize I had it till I was back to work and scrutinizing my pay stubs – I thought I’d opted out of it last open enrollment. So I never got as far as finding out whether a depressive collapse counted as disability, or whether I could have filed a claim or anything. :P So yeah, with open enrollment just around the corner again, I am pondering whether to keep paying the approximately $15/paycheck toward disability insurance or not. I haven’t used my dental or vision insurance yet either but I keep meaning to… it’s just that for all I’ve lived here for over two years, I still don’t know things like “where is a good dentist”.

(My eyesight varies wildly with my diabetes. When my blood sugar is under control, I don’t seem to need glasses. When it’s out of control, I see so badly that I didn’t realize there were artificial cobwebs all over the call floor my first Halloween at this job and just thought my vision was inexplicably foggy in addition to being unfocused.)

I like the idea of having retirement income, and of employer matching, but yeah, the way my life tends to go, and especially with the way I burn out at irregular intervals, I’m honestly not sure when or whether the whole “tax-advantaged” thing (which I will freely admit I don’t actually understand) outweighs the benefits of cash on hand. Right now, my plans go approximately as follows:

* Catch up on car insurance payments before the new policy starts in November and stacks on top of my deferred balance.

* Pay the CPAP mask bill that went to collections like a year ago and I haven’t had the spoons or the money to get it out yet, also buy a new CPAP mask as this one is becoming elderly and I’m having to kludge it back together when the plastic pieces break.

* Pay off the cell phone deferral early just for the hell of it because I should have the money and it’ll drop my bill by $20/month. (I already finally got my employee discount applying so I’ll be down to like $35/month for unlimited data with no hotspot. God, the ability to *not* need hotspot is such a weird luxury…)

* Pay back @camshaft22 for loaning me like three months’ rent over the course of the pandemic. If all my budgeting is correct I might be able to do that by January.

* Assuming 2020 has not yet exploded in my face too disastrously, build up that emergency fund everyone talks about. This comes after the COVID debt because being able to sock away $400+ a month will be very encouraging for me at that point. Right now my savings is just, I’m manually doing the thing where you round up each purchase to the next dollar and put the change in savings. It’s… complicated, because my savings account takes several days to process a transfer from checking once I request it, so e.g. right now I have no less than five scheduled transfers, each under $1, requested as early as Thursday night, which are not going to process until Tuesday at the earliest because of Labor Day. Once I get the car insurance paid up, which is the situation with a definite time pressure, I might start rounding up to the next $5 mark if I think I can afford it. I know in the olden days, just having each purchase rounded up to the next dollar could wind up bringing me like $26 in savings a month, but I think that’s when I was like buying snacks from the vending machine and stuff.

* Once I have an emergency fund, find out what the deal is with my credit cards in collections and pay them off. There’s one I would have sworn I paid but my credit reports all still show it derogatory.

* Then it’s a decision between “Save every possible penny for a car made in this millennium that has not been totaled, before my current car explodes irreparably” or “Try to get my student loans out of default while also saving at a slower rate for a car, so that if my car explodes before I can buy a new one out of pocket, I might have a hope in hell of getting a car loan that’s not completely horrendous”.

Of course, the downside of this is if my car explodes *before* I have an emergency fund, I’m in trouble. Again. :P October has that third paycheck though, so it’s really tempting to put the whole bloody thing toward debt reduction and knock some of these out of the park.

>>(Buses every 10-15 minutes? Wtf is this sorcery?)

*impressed whistle*

>>FMLA

*googles*

I was about to say “holy shit, why can’t *we* have something like that”, but then I looked closer and it has so many exceptions that for all I know we *do* have an analogous law, and I just haven’t noticed because it would never come up in real life. I’m glad you managed to actually get caught in that hole-ridden safety net.

Our 2019!unemployment-system, because it makes the employer pay extra into the system every time they allow you to go an entire week without work, has the emergent effect of *banning unpaid sick leave*. Well, you can have up to six days at a time of unpaid sick leave, but of course that’s not enough to get over a cold.

(I am very glad they scrapped the idea of returning to the 2019 system in September, because the 2019 system *encourages* the spread of disease and that is the *last* thing we fucking need right now. Meta-Boss has, at least twice, coerced me into returning to (customer-facing!) work while still having coughing fits† because he didn’t want to eat the fine for allowing me to become technically unemployed (even though I wouldn’t have bothered actually applying for unemployment, knowing I would be returning to work in another week or two): I often wonder how many cases of illness can be traced back to the existence of the Canadian unemployment system. Between that and how hard it is to get them to actually give you any money, I think we’d be better off with *nothing* than with the 2019 system, especially with an active plague but even with just (“”just”“) baseline colds and flus.)

>>I haven’t used my dental or vision insurance yet either but I keep meaning to… it’s just that for all I’ve lived here for over two years, I still don’t know things like “where is a good dentist”.

God, I’m so looking forward to having dental insurance††. I’ve been paying for vision checkups††† out of pocket because it’s just ~$150 every two years, but in theory dental is about that much every nine months. I haven’t had a dental checkup in two years, and the previous one was three years before that, and also I’m tired of every little toothache being like “is this it? is it happening? is today the day my wisdom teeth become an emergency?”.

(several of the things on the List are dental-related, and originally some of them were high enough in the priority order that we would have reached them by now, but we are postponing all non-urgent in-person medical care and *especially* stuff where you physically can’t wear a mask while you’re doing it)

And yeah, one of the many benefits of a stable housing situation is that I’ve long since found local medical providers I like. Now it’s just a matter of being able to afford the money and disease-risk to go see them.

>>I’m honestly not sure when or whether the whole “tax-advantaged” thing (which I will freely admit I don’t actually understand) outweighs the benefits of cash on hand.

Might be good for you to talk that over with an American finance nerd. I could talk your ear off about Canadian investment accounts, but the American situation is not perfectly analogous.

(Definitely look into what the early-withdrawal penalties are for various account types. One of the Canadian ones has almost no withdrawal penalty (there’s no fine, and you only have to wait until next year before you can put it back), to the point that it’s very feasible to put money into it knowing you’re going to need it again. (*I’m* not allowed to have that one, because the United States government hates me and wants me to suffer, but it *exists*.))

>>Then it’s a decision between “Save every possible penny for a car made in this millennium that has not been totaled, before my current car explodes irreparably” or “Try to get my student loans out of default while also saving at a slower rate for a car, so that if my car explodes before I can buy a new one out of pocket, I might have a hope in hell of getting a car loan that’s not completely horrendous”.

Yeah, cars are tough. Car loans are Not Done in my family, but we’re torn between “spend ~$6k on a *somewhat* less shitty car to tide us over until I start working full-time and can afford something better” and “jump straight to the ~$14k hybrid we really should have in the medium term (while we wait for full-electric hatchbacks to [be remotely affordable + have a range capable of New York trips]: currently you can have at most one of those things)”. A 14k car would wipe out an uncomfortable amount of savings, but likely have *much* lower maintenance costs than a 6k.

(Of course, summer is ending (= broken air conditioner is ceasing to matter for another year) plus we’re still not driving much, so “keep using the beater until I start working full-time” might also be a workable option. But my parents occasionally make noises about maybe returning to delivery driving.)

†And of course masks were *also* forbidden back then, because in the Old Times they signalled (in this case correctly, but anyway) having a cold and the *appearance* of sanitation is far more important to Meta-Boss than actually *being* sanitary.

††not covered by government between the ages of 14 and 65, and maybe not rich children either

†††not covered by government between the ages of 20 and 65, unless you have a degenerative eye condition (diabetes counts!)


Tags:

#and because people are constantly opening the front door and letting in pollen #I used to get a lot of sore throats from the no-masks-allowed policy #I wasn’t confident that wearing a mask at work would be enough to stop it but now I know from experience #if I’m still working there after the vaccine #I’m gonna show up in a cloth mask with ”pollen mask” written on it and refuse to take it off #”it’s a disability accommodation” #”give me any paperwork you need me to fill out for that and I’ll fill it out‚ but I am not taking off this mask” #venting cw? #(the before-times Canadian unemployment system fills me with rage) #((for that matter the United States tax code also fills me with rage)) #((but y’all knew that one already)) #adventures in human capitalism #in which Brin has a job #illness tw #poison cw? #covid19 #reply via reblog #medical cw #our home and cherished land #home of the brave #allergies #long post

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brin-bellway:

justice-turtle:

so like I have no idea where I’m going with this but

people whose lived experience is close enough to harmful tropes that they feel uncomfortable talking about it

like “you’re not asexual you’re just repressed” well as it happened I was not asexual and I was repressed as hell (I was/am aromantic and had it super thoroughly drilled into me that sexual attraction without romantic attraction… wasn’t really attraction or something? idk every time I try to figure out my upbringing it gets weirder)

or like I have an oc who’s demi (or in one ‘verse he’s demi, AUs man) but he IDed as ace for like twenty years before the “I am now sexually attracted to my life partner” kicked in and so I feel reeeeeally awkward about writing that ‘verse because I have no idea how I’d keep it from being “you just haven’t met the right person yet” without, like, actively stopping the story to write a screed about it ;P

but like does anyone else have this problem? what (if anything) do you do about it? commiserate with me! ;S

Ah, that old double-bind. The one where, for instance, some people don’t have a right person to find, and also who cares if there is a right person they’re still ace for intents and purposes now, but you only have the chance to say one of those things and whichever wrong you correct you’re implicitly condoning the other. It is especially difficult when you personally do happen to fit the narrative.

I look kind of like I fit the first one, since I did formerly ID as repressed, but I don’t think I actually do fit it. Nevertheless, when I encounter that one (which I almost never do directly; I hang out in pretty ace-friendly spaces) I always tackle the “so what if I am?” aspect over the “I’m not” aspect. I figure I’m more believable on that one, plus the “I’m not” aspect is generally tackled more often.

I do have a narrative that I both disagree with and fit, and that’s “rape fetishism isn’t an inherent/valid* part of a fetishist’s sexuality; they’re just into it because Society doesn’t give them any better options. If they were in a culture where consent was an established Thing, the fetish would fall away.”

This is bullshit on multiple levels. It also happened to me. I was rather annoyed when I realised, partly because do you know how hard it is to find consensual hypnosis porn (well, obviously it would have to be difficult or this wouldn’t have happened in the first place) and partly because I resented supporting the pro-narrative argument by existing.

I haven’t tried to respond to that narrative since it happened. Any one thing I say would be undermining the others, and–unlike the repression one–I have no clue where to place my focus.

*In a culture with heavy reliance on “born this way” messages, these two words are treated as interchangeable, which is a big chunk (but not the entirety) of the problem.


Tags:

#(June 2015) #I ran into a harmful trope today and I am feeling this feel again so much #the [models in my head of various assholes I have known] are being *so smug* and I *hate* it #our roads may be golden or broken or lost #asexuality #sexuality and lack thereof #venting #rape tw?

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justice-turtle:

brin-bellway:

justice-turtle:

i’m not actually awake enough to go Deep with this so i’ll attempt to keep it brief

so the barnes and noble thing where they fired all their full time employees recently. obviously, terrible thing, sympathies, fuck capitalism, etc, but like.

for me specifically, that’s like “welp, another timeline shot”. cos if i had not quit my job there due to snow and crazybrains, one of me in the multiverse was still working there and probably full time or managerial at that point, so like… that one of me was fired along with the rest of them, and is probably now struggling to make rent or whatever.

and like. the thing i’m trying to say is. that’s capitalism. you can’t trust anybody, you can have a few good years or a lot of good years and then get fucked over just the same. you have to give your life to people you can’t trust.

and i’m so *bad* at not trusting. and that’s why i’m so bad at capitalism. actively not trusting takes a lot of spoons and fucks me the hell up. my default state is trust, and in a lot of timelines that’s killed me already, and it’s going to get me in a fair number of the rest.

and i hate that. i don’t know what to do with it, trying to be less trusting is… it’s different than trying to be less empathetic? it’s not “if i do that it will make me a Bad Person”. it’s that i *forget*. i don’t have a… a dimmer switch for trust. it’s all or nothing. and that just utterly does not work for capitalism and i *hate* it :-(

>>that one of me was fired along with the rest of them, and is probably now struggling to make rent or whatever.

[…]

you can’t trust anybody, you can have a few good years or a lot of good years and then get fucked over just the same<<

Hmm. I’m having a hard time verbalising my thoughts here…like, there’s generally only so much that somebody can fuck you over financially if you’ve had some good years to prepare in. But I guess the ability (or lack of) to go “I should use these good years to prepare for the inevitable fucking-over attempt” is in fact the problem (or a large part of it, anyway)?

(It seems like costs of living vary a *lot* from one set of circumstances to another, and figures that seem unrealistically high to one person can seem unrealistically low to another. But in the circumstances that *I’m* familiar with, a full-time minimum-wage job is enough money to support two pretty-careful people or 1.5 moderately-careful people. So if one *doesn’t* have dependents (but does have roommates for the bulk discounts), for every year one can hold on to a full-time job, one can live for 6 – 12 months after getting laid off. Longer, if one manages to obtain a job that pays more than minimum wage.)

(I guess it’s a variant of the idea of fuck-you money, one that focuses on the possibility of *them* telling *you* to fuck off rather than the other way around. “Fuck-me money”?)

I was just talking to Mom earlier today about how I’m not sure I’m ever going to be *able* to trust that an income won’t just disappear one day, that even in the better possible scenarios for a decade from now where I’ve gotten some cushy job in an accounting firm or something, I’ll probably still be living on the 2028-dollars equivalent of $1k – $1.5k/month and agonising over every expenditure and squirrelling away every spare cent for the winter.

Which is the opposite of the psychological issues you usually hear about poor people developing (and which you have yourself, right?), where they feel like there’s no point in saving because *savings* always disappear no matter what you do. I think this is because those people tend to have spent an extended and/or formative time as living-paycheck-to-paycheck!poor, whereas I spent mine as living-primarily-off-of-dwindling-savings!poor. Different kinds of poverty lead to different adaptations.

*nods* Yeah, basically. There’s the paycheck-to-paycheck versus dwindling-savings thing, there’s the fact that I just plain tend to be a little more interested in buying shinies than you do (as demonstrated on Flight Rising), and… like, the trust thing from my OP, it’s not just that it’s exhausting and takes spoons I need to work. It’s that… *tries to word*… It’s almost a cognitive dissonance thing. The whole way I’m wired around trust is either/or. Working for The Man while simultaneously distrusting The Man is a fundamental skill of late-capitalism millennial life, and it – it fritzes me out. It’s not something I can maintain for more than a few months. It’s – you know more about thought experiments than I do, there probably is one about this, but it’s like trying to actively believe two contradictory thoughts at once, “Black is black” and “Black is not black” or something (I don’t know, I’m not terribly coherent), *all the time*. If I… if I let myself notice that my employer is not trustworthy, that they’re a capitalist entity and therefore going to fuck me over as soon as it suits them to do so, I can’t… I go straight to “well fuck them first” and I quit. I can’t seem to do a headspace where they’re going to fuck me over but I can stay and work till then. :-(

#fuck everything #i dont know that this is surmountable #because i do know that i always fundamentally *want* to trust people and think the best of them #(in topics for a separate post its so infuriating that these characteristics are always mentioned as making me a Good Person) #(i did not choose them and if i could choose i would not have them) #(its just brain wiring like my ability to feel awe) #(fucking brains can i just have a robot body now and reprogram myself) #:P


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#now that I’m thinking about this here is another conversational thread I was in for which the last comment was not mine #(note: thread is from March-April 2018) #I actually *do* have a spare copy of this but it would be weird to have to go digging around in my tumblr-utils output just to #finish reading this thread #no other such threads come *immediately* to mind but there probably are some #if I come across any while formatting the WordPress archive and they haven’t rotted yet I will reblog those too #adventures in human capitalism #venting cw? #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers #The Great Tumblr Apocalypse #The Last Tumblr Apocalypse #I’m going to tag these reblogs #conversational aglets

justice-turtle:

i’m not actually awake enough to go Deep with this so i’ll attempt to keep it brief

so the barnes and noble thing where they fired all their full time employees recently. obviously, terrible thing, sympathies, fuck capitalism, etc, but like.

for me specifically, that’s like “welp, another timeline shot”. cos if i had not quit my job there due to snow and crazybrains, one of me in the multiverse was still working there and probably full time or managerial at that point, so like… that one of me was fired along with the rest of them, and is probably now struggling to make rent or whatever.

and like. the thing i’m trying to say is. that’s capitalism. you can’t trust anybody, you can have a few good years or a lot of good years and then get fucked over just the same. you have to give your life to people you can’t trust.

and i’m so *bad* at not trusting. and that’s why i’m so bad at capitalism. actively not trusting takes a lot of spoons and fucks me the hell up. my default state is trust, and in a lot of timelines that’s killed me already, and it’s going to get me in a fair number of the rest.

and i hate that. i don’t know what to do with it, trying to be less trusting is… it’s different than trying to be less empathetic? it’s not “if i do that it will make me a Bad Person”. it’s that i *forget*. i don’t have a… a dimmer switch for trust. it’s all or nothing. and that just utterly does not work for capitalism and i *hate* it :-(

>>that one of me was fired along with the rest of them, and is probably now struggling to make rent or whatever.

[…]

you can’t trust anybody, you can have a few good years or a lot of good years and then get fucked over just the same<<

Hmm. I’m having a hard time verbalising my thoughts here…like, there’s generally only so much that somebody can fuck you over financially if you’ve had some good years to prepare in. But I guess the ability (or lack of) to go “I should use these good years to prepare for the inevitable fucking-over attempt” is in fact the problem (or a large part of it, anyway)?

(It seems like costs of living vary a *lot* from one set of circumstances to another, and figures that seem unrealistically high to one person can seem unrealistically low to another. But in the circumstances that *I’m* familiar with, a full-time minimum-wage job is enough money to support two pretty-careful people or 1.5 moderately-careful people. So if one *doesn’t* have dependents (but does have roommates for the bulk discounts), for every year one can hold on to a full-time job, one can live for 6 – 12 months after getting laid off. Longer, if one manages to obtain a job that pays more than minimum wage.)

(I guess it’s a variant of the idea of fuck-you money, one that focuses on the possibility of *them* telling *you* to fuck off rather than the other way around. “Fuck-me money”?)

I was just talking to Mom earlier today about how I’m not sure I’m ever going to be *able* to trust that an income won’t just disappear one day, that even in the better possible scenarios for a decade from now where I’ve gotten some cushy job in an accounting firm or something, I’ll probably still be living on the 2028-dollars equivalent of $1k – $1.5k/month and agonising over every expenditure and squirrelling away every spare cent for the winter.

Which is the opposite of the psychological issues you usually hear about poor people developing (and which you have yourself, right?), where they feel like there’s no point in saving because *savings* always disappear no matter what you do. I think this is because those people tend to have spent an extended and/or formative time as living-paycheck-to-paycheck!poor, whereas I spent mine as living-primarily-off-of-dwindling-savings!poor. Different kinds of poverty lead to different adaptations.


Tags:

#fun* fact: my parents ran out of money around the end of February (depending on how you count) #*not actually fun #it’s up to me and Brother to keep things running #(mostly Brother since he has more savings and more income) #((and the reason he has more savings is *because* he has more income)) #venting cw? #reply via reblog #adventures in human capitalism #(the following category tag was added retroactively:) #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers


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How can Pokemon Go be so popular if so few phone models can run it?

Like, am I missing something, or are phones with enough RAM small-selection and rather expensive? I looked on Amazon for 2GB RAM smartphones, and I got four entries, three of which were ~$195 and one that was $280.

Though I’d prefer to use Amazon store credit, and an unlocked phone could be nice, I might end up buying another locked phone from PC Mobile. They’ll sell me a 2 GB model Amazon doesn’t carry for $104. The only problem I’ve ever had with my current PC Mobile lock was having to buy a very cheap flip-phone shell when I needed a temporary American cell phone last year, rather than putting an American SIM card in my pre-existing smartphone. Not only have I never wanted to buy a non-PC Canadian plan, I’ve never even bought a PC plan. It’s looking like my first smart-”phone” is going to live out its entire life without ever actually seeing a SIM card.

Also, apparently all smartphones are really tall now, so I’d need to replace my phone pouch too so a new phone will fit. I liked that pouch.

(I’m not just complaining. If anyone knows of an Amazon Canada listing that the search isn’t picking up, or some other decent method of obtaining a suitable phone (either cheaper or less locked than PC), or if Pokemon Go actually runs fine on 1 GB of RAM and Niantic was just being conservative with their list of specs, let me know. America-specific recommendations accepted if I can act on them during my day trip to Buffalo later this month and they’re unlocked, or possibly so cheap that their unlock fee is worth it: I don’t want to be tied to a carrier whose service area I don’t live in, in case I buy a plan someday. (But keep exchange rates in mind; from a CAD viewpoint, objects priced in USD are more expensive than they look.))


Tags:

#oh look an original post #Brin owns *two* 2010’s computers now #and has been thinking of replacing the smaller one #nothing is *wrong* with it per se #it functions fine according to its original specifications #but I’m getting tired of juggling data around its tiny hard drive #(I’ve already had to uninstall multiple apps I wanted to keep because I simply didn’t have space) #(not *everything* can be transferred to the microSD) #and I would like to finally learn to speak Pokemon #but the thing that pushed me over into serious planning for replacement #was that Mom now has a thing she’d like to do that she needs a smartphone for #but it doesn’t really matter how *good* a smartphone #so I told her I’d buy a new one for me and hand my old one down to her #(neatly circumventing waste-not-want-not issues) #tag rambles


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Goddammit, it’s a goddamn roleplay blog.

*headdesk*

(so you know how I mentioned a couple months ago that sometimes I poke around somnophilia stuff in hopes of finding a kindred spirit? saw a suspiciously Relatable post in the Tumblr somnophilia tag today (though the actual post was from March). I look at their about page: not much there, their name is Deleisthai and they’re a fluid demigirl and that’s about it. nothing relevant.

so I’m about to get up the nerve to message them and ask them about it when I see there’s a page labelled “Rules”, and I look at it and it’s a bunch of roleplaying rules. I had assumed the label “indie dirk strider” on their sidebar was a metaphorical comparison, but no, it’s literally a fucking Homestuck RP, and that post didn’t have the curly brackets that–judging from the blog’s front page–they use to indicate OOC.)


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#aaggghhh #I didn’t even know there still *were* RP Tumblrs #I thought they went out of fashion around 2013 #oh look an original post #sexuality and lack thereof


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sinesalvatorem:

It’s really cloudy tonight so, while the clouds had a reddish tint, I didn’t see the moon :(

*nod* Fucking clouds.

The worst part is, in my case it might not have just been the clouds. When I finally got a glimpse of the moon at 12:20, about ten minutes before the last of the shadow left, I found it was much higher in the sky than I expected it to be. Specifically, it was high enough that the angle I had been using to check the sky out my window that evening would not have seen it. How long was it up that high? How long?

Fucking clouds. Fucking irregular-relative-to-day/night-cycle moonrises. Fucking sleep schedules.

(Also, I like that “tiny adventure club” tag you used. Looks like the space-less version (”tinyadventureclub”) is more active, though.)


Tags:

#reply via reblog #commiseration #how come nobody ever took me out meteor-watching when I was a kid and went to bed at 2 – 3 AM #now it’s too late #(in multiple senses of ‘too late’) #lunar eclipse