Anonymous asked: Hannibal was a weak b*tch for succumbing to nominative determinism. Oh you eat people cause your name rhymes with cannibal? Boo, foh with that shit what kind of spineless puppet are you. I’m going to name my son Brenocide and raise him to be a Zen gardening consultant to flex on the Fates.

weaver-z:

How does it feel to be the funniest motherfucker to ever grace my inbox


Tags:

#Hannibal #names #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #cannibalism cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

weaver-z:

If I could summon exactly one person from the dead, it would be Harry Houdini. I just think it would be funny to piss him off that much

 

weaver-z:

The second person I’m going to summon is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Really rub the salt in the wound there


Tags:

#I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #high context jokes #(maybe; not sure how widely known the context is) #death tw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

glumshoe:

I had a dream that I lived in a town on the edge of reality. There was a map showing the location of the town in spacetime, and it was depicted as teetering on the edge of the event horizon of a funnel-shaped warp in reality. Like light a certain distance away from a black hole, we were unable to escape the influence of the warp, but not drawn in by it completely, either.

Our proximity to Unreality conferred many advantages, and we were able to do things in our town that weren’t actually possible. We could survive fatal accidents and walk away without a scratch. Things that were lost forever were found again, and sometimes, if you didn’t think about it too directly, failures transformed into successes just like that. It was as though thought itself was a physical substance that could bend the shape of the world in our favor. Life was good in the little town of Event Horizon, where things always seemed to work out and Lady Luck lived on our side.

But Event Horizon also experienced “reality-quakes”. Now and then the fabric of spacetime would ripple, and shockwaves would rock our little town violently. Sometimes things would shake loose and get drawn in to the Unreality, and even people could be lost this way. They quakes weren’t common, but they seemed to be occurring with more frequency, leading to fears that we were becoming unmoored in spacetime and might lose the equilibrium that allowed us to survive and take advantage of the flexibility of reality.

Thought could stabilize things, if we projected our minds as physical forces to hold things in place. You could cast your thoughts out as a net and pull against the draw of Unreality. But that only worked if we were prepared and braced ourselves against the quake ahead of time, and people needed to work and eat and sleep and go to school. There was no way that everyone could be on anchoring duty all the time.

That’s why we had a lottery. Every twenty years, one among us would be selected to by the community to be the Achor for the entire town—a full-time psychic resistance against entropy. The Anchor would enter a trance state and project their mind out to touch every structure, every tree, every pebble, every person in Event Horizon, and hold them there. Constantly. For twenty years.

People would come to tend to the Anchor, to feed and bathe them and keep them comfortable, but the Anchor rarely became lucid enough to recognize them. It was a vital, respected, honorable position, but there was no glory in it. If you found out you had been selected to be the next Anchor, your family would grieve for you as though you had died. If you had children, they would be taken care of in a princely fashion as wards of the state, and your family would be honored and want for nothing, because even though your assignment was only twenty years, former Anchors did not tend to live for very long. They’d be made comfortable and lavished with good things, but their life energy would be sapped, and they’d fade away quickly.

My dream was 90% exposition and very little in-the-moment action, but I had just discovered that I would be the new Anchor, and I was not happy about it. The most vivid action scene I remember was standing in my kitchen staring at breakfast cereal boxes on a shelf and touching them with my mind, feeling every grain of cereal within and thinking, “Even this? Even this?”

Anyway, thanks brain, that was cool.

 

sillywafflefries:

acd3d1a22e53ce86ec3031c772f5e7d94fc07b8a

c9360c8ef70c1a7bd014f08a57a09db5533a59f4

 

glumshoe:

Oh shit!!!


Tags:

#dreams #storytime #apocalypse cw #death tw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

etirabys:

Damn. Thinking “Every time I go grocery shopping while hungry, I just shamble around like a zombie grabbing random things of the shelves, but this time I’m aware that it’s a pitfall and I will hold it in my mind to avoid it” totally does not work. brain has a very strong belief that all food is a good idea. to my vexation, in between composing this post I bought girl scout cookies for the first time outside the Safeway while thinking, “I don’t need these, I don’t need to buy these, guhhhhh”.

While I don’t have this trait myself, for unrelated reasons I keep two granola bars in my bag at all times. Would you find that helpful?

(Very possibly you wouldn’t: I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve met with food-related problems that were *so* obviously solvable with granola bars that there *must* have been some reason they weren’t already doing that. But I think you yourself have talked about that being a stupid reason to [completely avoid bringing up a potential solution to something].)


Tags:

#is the blue I see the same as the blue you see #reply via reblog #food #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

How the Yeerks Got a Sam’s Club Membership

tomberensonsghost:

           Oh, God. It was time to go down to the Yeerk pool again. They had really beefed up security lately, and I hadn’t been able to sneak out of a cage in weeks. A Taxxon stood constant guard at the door of each cage, and those are not easy fellows to sneak past.

           But I had been ‘upgraded’ with a universal translator, so I was able to understand and communicate with any alien now. Occasionally Hork-Bajir were mixed in the cages with humans, and I found it nice to chat with them. I found out that they’re actually herbivores, and that the pool complex housed an enormous greenhouse in order to supply them with the necessary supply of tree bark that made up the majority of their diet. The amount of money, energy, and man hours that this must consume were unfathomable.

           But today I found no one interesting to talk to inside the cage, and instead resorted to eavesdropping on the Taxxon who was guarding us. He was complaining to another Taxxon about the water quality in their barracks.

           “Every time I go in there the whole place smells like hessstle meat. Drives my host crazy,” the first Taxxon was saying. I should clarify that the universal translator doesn’t always translate every word. It usually leaves out the more colorful language.

           “It’s that ssshestisss filter. Never gets changed,” his companion replied.

           “It’s not like it’s hard to do,” the first one complained. “It’s just that you have to get a human host to pick it up the replacement from the store. Everyone gets a human and suddenly they’re too good to run errands for the lowly Taxxon controllers.”

           “I could help,” I piped up. I don’t know why I say these things. They just come out of my mouth faster than I can stop them. Both Taxxons turned to me.

 

Keep reading


Tags:

#Animorphs #fanfic #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #kidnapping cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

tumblr_lnze3vslfx1qhr4cpo1_400

brock-obama:

Owls confirmed to be the creepiest birds ever. LOOK AT THE FUCKING THINGS. If you fail to notice the one on the left fucking SWALLOWING a rat, then you have the dude singing some satanic chant or something next to him, and then you have those two other fucking psychos synchronized to make you feel creeped the fuck out with their soulless dance of FUCKING DOOM.

 

fuckmegentlywitha2x4:

I really am tempted to reblog this every time it’s on my dash. That description is one of the best things on the internet.

 

oculousreparo:

tumblr_inline_peap47ckng1uoxvn4_250

 

ourpoeticlives:

Yeahhhh, I want this on my blog again.

 

earlgreytea68:

OMG MY FAVORITE TUMBLR POST EVER IT’S FINALLY BACK YAY!

 

earlgreytea68:

Here, have another of my all-time favorite Tumblr posts. 

 

earlgreytea68:

We were just discussing this again and I had to reblog it again because IT IS MY FAVORITE

 

jlrpuck:

I’m permanently traumatized that you introduced me to this over lunch, EGT. 

 

earlgreytea68:

::bows with a flourish::

 

revfrog:

There’s a gif out there of some people reenacting this that makes me laugh til I puke every damn time.

 

imnotokaywiththerunning:

@revfrog

tumblr_inline_ou16xwvddm1t0dgb8_400

 

ririsasy:

Reblogging for the last gif


Tags:

#owl #bird #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #vomit cw? #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

glumshoe:

I like haunted houses in theory BUT I have no idea how to react when the actors speak to you. They ask me a question and I just… answer it…

The scariest part of a haunted house is the unscripted social interaction.

 

glumshoe:

Scary nurse in a creepy voice: “Do you have an appointment to see the doctor?”

Me: “Uh. Do you accept walk-ins?”

 

glumshoe:

Scary farmer: “I like to kill people!”

My friend, brightly: “I like to die!”

 

puerto-nic0:

Zombie : “AARRRGH”

Me : “Do you get dental insurance?”

Zombie : “TEETH!!”

 

schmergo:

This happened to me.

Scary prison dude: HELLO

Me: Nice to meet you!

Him: (pause) No it’s noooooot

 

batsalmighty:

My worst horror house experience was when I couldn’t find the (rather obvious) exit and the guy chasing me with a chainsaw stopped, sighed and pointed me to the exit, saying “please scream as loud as you can when you run out there” and just left. I disappointed the horror house chainsaw dude and I will never get over that

 

splinterdirk:

Guy: They are all my friends.. (motioning to hanging corpses; then grabs a noose) Will you be my friend? 
Me: Sure totally, you made me a friendship necklace? Oh my god your so sweet? 
Guy: … Yes.. Please, let me.. I cant I cant just go (laughing). 

– Got to walk a second time through– 

Same guy: My friends -wailing- 
Me: I came back I just really wanted to be friends so bad
Guy: (laughing more) Please, Im not allowed to laugh. 

 

sympathetic-deceit-trash:

I went to a Haunted House and literally befriended every actor there.

Specifically, I remember;

There were zombies walking around in the waiting room. I said “Hi!” and he gave me a high five. Every time he passed from then on, I got a high five.

Near the end, there were these twin little girls. “Come play with us.” They said. “Okay!” I said. “Forever.” They said. “Oh, sorry, can’t do that. I’m busy.”

I could hear them giggling.

 

imanicepersoniswear:

Guy playing Freddie Kruger: Remember, you are all my children!

Me: thanks dad

A small chorus of teenagers: thanks dad

 

under-the-arch:

I went to a haunted corn maze once. Someone ran at me with a chainsaw. I just stared at him. He hung his head and walked away. I left.

 

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

The Real Horror Is The People We Dissapointed Along The Way


Tags:

#embarrassment squick #death tw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Halloween

lesbianshepard:

i kinda feel bad for oedipus b/c everyone assumes he chose to fuck his mom when in fact he went out of his way to avoid it. he left his hometown and distanced himself from his parents because he was afraid he would somehow get tricked into fucking his mom. everything could have been avoided if his adopted parents told him he was adopted.

 

lesbianshepard:

someone: oedipus was fucked up like who fucks their own mother??? fucking weirdo.

me: it’s not his fault! he didn’t know!

 

lesbianshepard:

also the point of the myth is supposed to show how despite your best efforts no mortal can thwart fate but also? what the fuck? the whole thing was an oracle telling laius that his son was going to murder him and fuck his wife. that shit came out of nowhere. he didn’t offend the gods or anything. they just decided for no reason other than the world is fucked up sometimes.

 

lesbianshepard:

i have been informed that oedipus’ dad, laius, did in fact bring a curse upon himself for kidnapping and raping king pelop’s son chrysippus.

i stand by my stance that it’s still ridiculous to punish oedipus and jocasta for laius’s crimes. also why would the godss curse oedipus for fucking his mom when they tricked him into doing it in the first place? fucked up.

 

the-cheshire-cat-grin:

You’re assuming the gods are ruled by logic and not by zeus nudging poseidon and saying “hey you know what would be so fucking funny”

 

fangirltothefullest:

This is so accurate

 

gaiusthegenius:

did u guys ever watch the BBC drama “Atlantis”
where the main character is a modern guy who accidentally travels back in time to Ancient Greece

and tbh it’s full of him having moments where he realises this is a myth

like this woman comes to him and asks for help because her husband is trying to kill her baby so he helps her smuggle the baby out of the city to be taken in by another family and the other family ask the baby’s name and she says “Oedipus” and the guy is like

oh fuck

and then he meets a girl called Medusa and the whole time is just like
shit shit shit
then she goes missing and they track her to a cave and he is like “guys this is gonna sound weird but does anyone have a mirror”

BEST MOMENT  is he meets a guy who says “Hi I’m Pythagoras” and he blurts out “THE TRIANGLE GUY” and Pythagoras is just HEART EYES like “YES I LOVE TRIANGLES HOW DID YOU KNOW”


Tags:

#mythology #incest cw #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(Pythagoras) #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

A Key You Can Photograph Is A Key That Can Be Copied

{{Title link: https://gizmodo.com/any-key-you-can-photograph-is-a-key-that-can-be-copied-1522264272 }}

levynite:

Then, I do nothing else—because I’m a pretty nice dude who is just fascinated by this sort of thing. That said, however, the specific measurements for any common brand of lock can be found online, and, with a little experience, you can hand-file keys in only a few minutes. Just search for “Depth & Space” charts. Those will tell you how far apart to space your cuts and the possible depths you might find cut into that type of key. Note that, while the space and depth will stay consistent across a given brand, it’s up to you to figure out the specific depths for your key. 

Seriously guys, stop posting photos of your brand new house key in clear fidelity on multiple social media platforms. People with malicious intentions can easily walk into your no longer secured homes.

This is not a new thing. There was a furor with TSA luggage keys a few years back (last I checked, lockpick and lock enthusiasts have managed to decode and recreate most of the keys except for a couple).

https://hackaday.com/2015/09/18/dear-tsa-this-is-why-you-shouldnt-post-pictures-of-your-keys-online/

But yeah, STOP POSTING CLEAR PHOTOS OF YOUR IMPORTANT KEYS ONLINE

https://observer.com/2017/04/instagram-stop-posting-keys/


Tags:

#PSA #stalking cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what

glumshoe:

my best OC is Brad Wayne, Bruce’s illegitimate biological child via a totally normal woman he had a fling with when he was younger and didn’t stay in touch with

Brad grew up a totally normal kid, went to college, joined a frat, and decided to get in touch with Bruce, who now has an awkward situation on his hands

now the other Batkids have to deal with fucking Brad Wayne, whose normalacy is absolutely insufferable… he tells Dick to try yoga and suggests that Tim will sleep better if he gets more exercise… Bruce goes out of town and Brad decides it’s time to throw a house party with his frat friends

he’s so good

 

glumshoe:

All of Brad’s Bat-siblings are absolutely unprepared to deal with him. They can’t handle it. They can’t even hate him properly, even Damien, because he’s just… he’s not even… he’s just Some Guy™️!

They’re all braced for the inevitable reveal that he’s a villain, an imposter, or an interloper there to usurp the Wayne fortune or spy on Batman. They have all sorts of plans to foil his schemes and the only thing they’re not able to prepare for is the fact that he’s just. Brad. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not a saint, either—his problems are just so mundane, so ordinary.

They TRY to understand what his life is like, but how are they supposed to relate to someone who doesn’t text back because he’s hungover or his phone died, not because he’s tied up in a death trap somewhere being menaced by someone in a Halloween costume?

No one’s ever tried to ritually sacrifice him before and it shows.

 

luckyladylily:

Does he know they are the batfam? Or does he just think it is so cool that his dad has adopted all these kids that needed a home?

 

glumshoe:

Oh he has no idea. Brad didn’t grow up in Gotham and isn’t really familiar with its culture, so he thinks it’s an ordinary city with ordinary problems (presumably there’s still a concept of ‘ordinary’ in the DCU).

When someone tries to tell him he laughs it off. Maybe one of his friends asks him about the popular rumor that Bruce Wayne is Batman, but he’s never even contemplated the possibility. Later he’s trying to coax Dick into playing beer pong and loudly tells the story to party guests as a funny anecdote. He thinks the whole concept of Batman is hilarious. Maybe he makes up stories about seeing Batman to impress his family and make himself sound cool.

 

jamisings:

Eventually though some bad guy who wants a huge ransom is going to kidnap Brad. What happens then? Does Batman call in a favor to one of the other members of the Justice League or does Damien go out and rescue his brother and tell him he’s the most useless of all his brothers because he’s so ordinary? Because you know if anyone is going to blab it’s going to be Damien.

 

glumshoe:

Brad gets kidnapped and Steph and/or Cass rescue him in costume.

Later, in Wayne Manor, he tells his family all about how the Batgirls were totally flirting with him and how he managed to take out a few of the bad guys all by himself.

 

glumshoe:

Brad Wayne: “Hey, do you guys think Batman fucks? Like, you think he has ever gotten laid?”

Dick, stiffly: “Um. Yes. I think so.”

Brad: “Really? Guy sounds like a turbo-virgin to me. I mean, he fights crime in a fursuit! Come on!”

Tim: “I have it on reasonable authority that Batman fucks. Unfortunately.”

Steph: “Hey, Damian. Penny for your thoughts?”


Tags:

#Batman #fanfic #story ideas I will never write #kidnapping cw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick?


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