tag rambles

Alicorn | Masquerade

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

{{Title link: http://alicorn.elcenia.com/stories/masquerade.shtml }}

another-normal-anomaly:

luminousalicorn:

New novelette.  Fantasy, < 12,800 words.

I’m curious where on the tempting/horrifying scale people find 1) Myron’s lifestyle of multiple bodies and 2) the narrator’s lifestyle of wearing someone else’s mask. I find the latter absolutely awful; better than death and maybe better than homelessness or prison but worse than most other things. The former is tempting for the life extension and the extra time, but it would take a *lot* of getting used to and I’d have a hard time believing the other person had actually volunteered; I don’t know if I’d go through with it given the opportunity. Is it possible for two people to wear masks of each other and get the life extension and redundancy that way? Because if that would work and my husband was down for it I could see doing it with him. (I asked him and he is not sure if he would be down for it, but thinks it would be worth trying.)

Myron’s lifestyle body-wise is pretty far along the tempting end of the scale, more for the redundancy than the productivity though the productivity is a nice bonus.

(“like a person with a mere single body was only just clinging to life” is pretty fucking relatable, tbh)

I still agree with the past self running a Star Trek: DS9 LJ comm and yelling about Rao Vantika that I would *absolutely* shack up in somebody else’s body to keep from dying. (I like being singlet, but I like being alive a lot *more*.)

>>I’d have a hard time believing the other person had actually volunteered<<

I also still agree with my previous Rao-Vantika-related yelling that if I had some particular reason to believe I was going to die *soon*, rather than just the baseline anxiety of clinging-to-life-with-a-mere-single-body, I *would* resort to nonconsensually possessing someone if that was the only option available. I’d try to move to a more willing host once I got the opportunity, though.

(I know that’s pretty horrifying, but I think dying’s even more horrifying. And I think it passes the Golden Rule, albeit primarily *because* I’ve already decided I would do it myself. I think I’d be pretty forgiving of [someone who possessed me because their choices were that and dying] because I *know* I would have done exactly the same thing in their place, and it’s hard to be really angry at someone for doing something when you fully agree that it was their best remaining move.

(I mean, obviously bodyjackers-in-self-defence should be as nice about it as possible: don’t fuck up their body, let them get plenty of time at the front if they’re not going to try to kill you (*especially* if you’re using some (non-mask) form of body-sharing in which people who aren’t fronting aren’t conscious), again try to find a willing host ASAP, etc))

—

Yeah, wearing somebody else’s mask is not the *worst* thing but still seems pretty bad. A lot of that is because of the power dynamic, though: it’s the other person’s body shape and the other person’s sole decision how much control of the body you get and when. If it were a more equal relationship I could see a lot more appeal, even if I personally prefer singlethood.

Tags:

#look Rao Vantika did *some* genuinely evil things #but in large part the dude just wanted to survive and I completely respect that #(and because it’s the first season and they’re still finding their feet) #(the mind-transference device Vantika invented is *never brought up again*) #(despite the fact that it should be a game-changer) #(despite the fact that a mere five episodes later they face a problem that) #(could easily be solved with the judicious application of a mind-transference device) #((you bet your ass any goddamn person in that village would have *gladly* volunteered to host the Storyteller)) #reply via reblog #Star Trek #DS9 #it was a good story and I am glad Anomaly talked me into reading it with this post #(Alicorn is very good at causing Emotions with her writing) #(but she often aims for *negative* Emotions) #(and it has been a long time since I was in a state of mind where I could handle that) #(so half the time if I read a new Alicorn story I regret it because I’m too fragile for that kind of thing right now) #(but this was in the other half) #tag rambles #death tw #there is probably some other warning tag I should put on this but I am not sure what

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

thejochiang:

deductioneers:

Amass Fuck-You Money

Goals: amass fuckyou money

Forever reblog the mother goddess

(status: I acknowledge that this is psychological damage from an extended period of financial hardship during formative years, but I nonetheless mostly endorse it)

Hmm. I seem to be having a bunch of thoughts and feelings about this.

There seems to be a…maybe “divide” is too strong a word, I don’t know. But…like, I called it “fuck-you money vs fuck-me money” in a post a while back. Even when the actions are the same, there’s this psychological difference in how people can approach it.

When I see FIRE people, they always frame it in terms of *freedom*. (It’s right there in the acronym: Financially *Independent*, Retiring Early.) But to me, it strikes me as being a thing about *safety*. “Enough money that you can run your household solely off the interest from your investments” can protect you from a lot of different problems, and *that’s* why the idea appeals to me.

A few weeks ago I saw some distant acquaintance-of-an-acquaintance on Tumblr (I don’t recall who) advising a young person with a high-paying job and relatively low expenses (Silicon Valley programmer, I think, or something like that) to go on some trips and enjoy themself, because they weren’t going to have this much disposable income again until their forties if not later. And it felt like a very weird framing to me, because…the way I see it, if future-me doesn’t have money to spare, then neither do I. I don’t have spare money unless I can afford to feed myself, and I can’t truly afford to feed myself unless I can afford to feed *all* of my selves.

16-year-old me got to eat because 7-year-old me’s dad put away some “”extra””, and eventually that “”extra”” was all he had left. Where is 33-year-old me getting *her* food from?

Because if the source isn’t me, then I don’t trust it to come through for her. I want to do all I can to make sure that, no matter who is or is not willing to employ her or for how much, 33-year-old me (and 44-year-old me, and 55-year-old me…) is fed and housed and so forth.

—

(This was going to be a tag ramble, but then I thought it should probably stay with the post if somebody reblogs it to respond or something. I’m just going to leave it in tag format.)

#this post probably partly inspired by my first anniversary of non-freelance employment   #which is coming up soon   #I think I will celebrate by scheduling the dental checkup I have been putting off for ~3 years because I didn’t feel I could afford it   #(yes government healthcare does not cover dental)   #(OHIP has some very weird-looking exceptions)   #(this is probably the result of some kind of complicated political negotiation that I’m not sure I want to know the details of)   #anyway a dental checkup seems like a good compromise between celebratory and practical   #(and [practical celebrations are easier to enjoy]/[I find myself drawn to practical gifts these days anyway including gifts I buy for myself])   #((that safety thing manifests here especially))   #((the things I dream of buying these days are always things that protect you from something))   #((checkups that protect you from tooth damage and electric cars that protect you from rising oil prices and solar-powered phone chargers that protect you from power outages))   #((this I am much less sure I endorse))   #((I mean I think it is good to want practical things but it would also probably be good if I felt safe enough to want a few non-practical things too))   #(((sometimes on especially bad brain days I can’t even bring myself to play Flight Rising)))   #(((that is currently the most common cause of my FR hiatuses)))   #(((it used to be the most common cause was that I felt like playing some other game instead)))

Tags:

#tag rambles #adventures in human capitalism #this should probably have some warning tag but I am not sure what #I will put this in the tags though: #I was reading my Tumblr archive recently and *damn* 2014!me was having a hard time #she didn’t talk about it much in public but occasionally she couldn’t quite hold it in anymore and it leaked out into a post #I felt very sorry for her #basically what I’m saying is #hi 2022!me #I hope you’re in a good enough position that you can feel sorry for me rather than going ”yeah I still know that feel” #(but if so please do still provide for farther-future!us) #(just with a healthier frame of mind) #(maybe buy solar chargers *and* video games) #in which Brin has a job #(the following category tag was added retroactively:) #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers

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~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

Last workweek, for the first time, I made enough money to live on!  :D  o/

(it’s still a very useful supplement even when I get fewer hours than that, and while I have been known to push for (and usually receive) more hours, I’ve never presented it to my boss as being of vital importance)

(“Enough money to live on” is here defined at a relatively high level of abstraction: “if each individual in my household made this much money every week for a year, the total amount earned would equal the amount we spent in the previous calendar year (minus some things we’ve since cut)”. For 2018 (which uses 2017 data), this is about 17 minimum-wage-hours.)

(Hmm…*calculates*…ooh. Looks like ever since my most recent request for more hours (which was granted), most weeks I make right around the threshold for “enough to live on if no unusual expenses occur” (about 11.5 hours). Mom tries very hard to at least keep herself above that threshold (and encourages Dad to do the same), because she feels better about asking Brother for additional money if it’s only for occasional expenses, and she suspects it might cause less resentment in Brother too.)

Tags:

#the idea of feeling resentful about having to maintain the household *feels* ridiculous to me but there’s a good chance she’s right #I’ve grown pretty collectivist over the years of gradually increasing hardship #which is supposedly part of the standard coping mechanism for this and yet nobody else here exhibits nearly as much of it as I do #(the pathogen-stress people might say my potential for collectivism was closer to the surface and so more easily activated) #intuitively I think of individualistic approaches to budgeting as something you grow out of around puberty #but then I also intuitively think of shooter games as something you grow out of around puberty #so I guess I’m a terrible judge of these things #anyway I have to go get ready for work soon #(I think I’m getting 15 hours this week so still not bad) #oh look an original post #adventures in human capitalism #tag rambles #in which Brin has a job

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

teach coders how to truck

Tags:

#to improve their ability to make their way in the modern economy #(so my dad’s a delivery driver now) #((it’s not actually a *truck* but calling it a car wouldn’t let me make that joke)) #(unlike every programming job available the delivery people were willing to give him part-time hours) #((he doesn’t have the stamina for a full-time job anymore)) #(the pay’s not all that good but the most recent estimates suggest it’s *just* about enough) #(god I hope he can keep this job for a good while) #(*knocks on wood*) #oh look an original post #tag rambles #adventures in human capitalism

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

thyrell:

thyrell:

a necromancer is just a really late healer

“you’re too late, doc, he’s…he’s already dead…”

*cracks knuckles* i didnt get my medical license revoked for nothing

Tags:

#as I have a bit of a special interest in the Red Panda Adventures #that is what this post inspires me to grumble about #for a guy who takes having access to a (limited form of) ego bridge *really* well #he sure does go all death-is-what-makes-life-worth-living when it comes to zombies #like dude think about it #yes being a zombie kind of sucks *right now* #but in a single decade the state of Necronium research went from #”mindless meat-puppets” to ”a bit brainwashed and *somewhat* emotionally dulled but recognisably their former selves” #imagine what Necronium could do in *another* decade #tbh the only thing really wrong with Professor Zombie’s vision of the future is that it has her as unquestioned dictator #please do not throw the baby out with the bathwater #tag rambles #Red Panda Adventures #rants #death tw #transhumanism #(I *do* appreciate how well they handled the ego bridge though) #(you almost never see characters go) #(”while (since souls exist) it is a matter of objective fact that copies of you aren’t really you”) #(”dying and being survived by a copy of yourself sure beats dying and *not* being survived by a copy of yourself”) #(”so let’s do it”)

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

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brin-bellway:

I have collected the data and calculated the results for 2017, and the main result is:

Over the past six months, we were short an average of $65/week. Just $65. That’s all.

(Considering how large some of the outlier charges were, there must have been some individual weeks in which we had more money at the end of the week than at the start. Maybe even individual months.)

We are *damn* close, and this could very well be the year we get in the black.

*sigh*

Okay, so this is very embarrassing, and also bad even if you ignore the embarrassment factor, but I told you the first thing and so I feel obligated to tell you the second.

I am issuing a retraction. When calculating our income for the latter half of 2017, I failed to notice that one of the entries was not actually income, but rather a transfer from a retirement account (an account which, by the way, is now empty, and so will not be able to help us in the future).

The actual shortage is about $360/week. If, as we are planning to do, we drop the less cost-effective of the two life-insurance policies, this drops to $185. Still possible (13 more minimum-wage hours would do it), but rather less so.

(I suppose if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is)

(what does it say about my life that “only short $65/week” is too good to be true)

Tags:

#both of my parents appear to be in that awkward stage of life #where you’re too fucked up to perform able-bodied work but not fucked up enough to be Legally Disabled and get help that way #I mention this because of the possible positive resolutions to this predicament #one of the more likely ones is ”a parent manages to find a job they are actually capable of doing and which is willing to hire them” #but they keep looking and often all they find is jobs requiring traits like #”must be able to stand up for several hours straight” #or #”must have good hearing” #or for Dad #”must be able to act as if one is reasonably happy to be there” #(like) #(I manage to mostly skip the emotional-labour parts of my fast-food job) #(by being *genuinely* happy to be there and so not having to fake it) #(but even when Dad is happy it’s hard to *tell* that he’s happy) #((not to mention that he *wouldn’t* be happy)) #((because depression + overly high standards)) #adventures in human capitalism #oh look an update #tag rambles #oh look an original post #(ish)

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

I’ve been doing archiving again today, downloading local copies of things that previously existed (in versions accessible to me) only on the Internet.

The thing about archiving is that it *hurts*. Not having done it–the moment when you want to remind yourself how something went and find it isn’t there to tell you, will never be there again–hurts a lot more, so I keep doing this. My past is valuable to me and I want to keep hold of it, have it available, and yet it always hurts to immerse myself in it.

(Today I’m saving works of fiction, works I think I would miss if their links rotted. (Some of them have already rotted. Most were salvageable through the Internet Archive. But only most.) I didn’t think that would hurt, but it turns out that it does, that they evoke the time periods I read them in.)

I know a lot of people hate their past selves, for their ignorance and foolishness. I think this is another version of that impulse, but I don’t hate past-me.

I don’t hate *her*. I hate the people who did this to her.

I think that’s a lot of the problem. I think maybe a lot of the pain of archiving isn’t inherent to the task in general, but because most of the stuff I’m archiving–this project and previous projects–is from around my late teens, give or take, and I was in a lot of pain then. A lot of it I hardly acknowledged at the time, or if I acknowledged it I shrugged and figured that was just how things were.

Maybe it’s good for me to immerse myself in the past, sometimes, if only to show myself how far I’ve come.

Tags:

#our roads may be golden or broken or lost #oh look an original post #amnesia cw #(the following category tag was added retroactively:) #((and can’t be added at the end because there are more than 20 tags so category tags won’t register there)) #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers #I’m not even sure how long it’s been since the last time I cried #months and months I think #I’m not crying now I’m just saying I cry a *lot* less than I did then #(crying frequency is often a helpful guide to my current sanity levels if I find I’m having trouble telling from the inside) #((bear in mind I don’t experience estrogen’s effects on crying)) #((it’s not cathartic it’s not helpful and if things are going at all well it’s *not* frequent)) #I should probably stop for the day #I hate to leave tasks like these half-completed #but I’ve been neglecting my other daily tasks today and they need tending to as well #(I wonder whether I still have further to go) #(if late-twenties!me will look back at some background pain I’m so accustomed to as to hardly notice) #(and flinch) #(and pity me) #(and be grateful not to suffer like that anymore) #((my bet is on something finance-related)) #((I am aware of certain echoes between this post and two posts ago)) #((I maintain that accepting my lot is better than impotent anger at it)) #((but I acknowledge that having a lot that does not tempt anyone towards impotent anger at it would be better still)) #(((though I would like to point out that a lot of past-me’s pain was caused by feeling obligated to cultivate anger)))

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~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

True rebellion is accepting my lot.

Tags:

#sounds like a shitpost but isn’t #competing access needs #don’t you tell me that I deserve better #I take great comfort in not deserving better #it sure as hell beats cultivating misery #oh look an original post #somewhat related to #our roads may be golden or broken or lost #but currently mostly inspired by #in which Brin has a job #(okay fine before anyone is all ”oh no what happened”) #(both my job and my menial Internet labour cut my hours) #(and my job stopped providing one free meal a week) #(now can everyone please stop trying to ~commiserate~ and ~fuck those bastards~ or whatever and just let me get on with things) #fuck anyone who insists that I need to be angry about this state of affairs #the only thing we have to get angry about is anger itself #tag rambles

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

I wonder what’s going on in my brain right now, like on a neurological level. I bet it’s fascinating.

Tags:

#woke up yesterday morning feeling rather more tired than I would expect given that I only got ~half an hour less sleep than usual #(8 instead of 8.5 – 9) #looked at calendar #start date of last menstrual period was two weeks ago #well I guess that explains that then #(slept 9.5 hours today) #(which was probably a bad idea) #(given that this is not the kind of tiredness that unconsciousness helps) #(but it was hard to drag myself out of bed) #((I mean I guess it would make up for yesterday’s sleep-deprivation component?)) #((but that component was probably pretty small)) #I would probably make an excellent case study of some sort #oh look an original post #tag rambles #sexuality and lack thereof #people who can distinguish between their drive for sleep and drive for sex fascinate me #and so do people who can’t #just in somewhat different ways

brin-bellway asked: Is “using handedness to introduce children to the concept of privilege” not a standard part of liberal upbringing? Was that just me? (I don’t think they used the word “privilege”, but that was clearly the idea. I think there was some social-model-of-disability stuff involved too.)

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

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random-thought-depository:

brin-bellway:

moral-autism:

moral-autism:

[no content in this post so that reblogs of this will be second-level reblogs]

I don’t remember it being used in my school.

It’s been long enough that I don’t remember the circumstances, but it was definitely not at school because I didn’t go to school. (I don’t *think* it was a schoolbook.)

It might have been from my parents: my dad’s left-handed, so *some* lesson on handedness would be bound to come up at some point†. Or media. Or maybe Girl Scouts (which is also kind of parents, since my mom led my troop). Or a combination of the above.

(When I dig through my brain, I get strongest associations with Girl Scouts, but that might just be from me *thinking* about previous right-handed-privilege stuff *during* Girl Scouts because of crafts using right-handed scissors.)

—

†And I suppose might not come up much in an all-right-handed family, so that alone would go a fair way towards making it not a Relatable Childhood Experience.

My mental model of a central SJ-enthusiast would not find the idea of handedness as a legitimate axis of privilege obvious, and would react to the idea with at best curiosity and at worst hostility. My mental model of a central generic liberal would also not find the idea obvious. I’m also very probably biased to underestimate the importance of “left hand = devil hand” type attitudes because I live in a liberal area where it doesn’t seem to be a thing. This is the context that informed the wording of my post.

It’s very possible my mental models of a central SJ-enthusiast and a central generic liberal are in error.

Tagging @ranma-official and @moral-autism because they also responded to my post.

I think the idea was, *because* handedness (in this part of space-time) is not a huge Thing to anywhere near the extent of gender or race or such, it’s a good way to ease people into the ideas without [putting them immediately on the defensive]/[making them focus on the trauma of their oppression] (depending on status).

So, I don’t think they’d go so far as to call it *legitimate* per se, but thinking it’s ridiculous to the point that “X implies that handedness is an axis of privilege” constitutes a significant mark against X also rings false to me.

Tags:

#reply via reblog #my childhood #our roads may be golden or broken or lost #mind you my dad also told me the ”I can’t operate on him! That’s my son!” riddle when I was a kid #and I felt *so* embarrassed and like *such* a failure not to have figured out the doctor was his mother #that I still remember it after all this time #(I don’t know what reaction Dad was aiming for or what reaction he thought I was having) #(but subjectively I felt like a disgrace to the name of feminism) #((I don’t recall the wording of my thoughts but that was pretty much the gist of it)) #(I doubt the *acute* pain lasted very long but the experience stuck with me) #tag rambles