probably-voldemort:

probably-voldemort:

My family is not very religious most of the time.  We pray at Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving dinners, and my mom’s entire side of the family excluding her parents and siblings is hardcore religious so whenever we do anything with them it’s kind of religious.

But the point is, most of the time we aren’t, but every year at Christmas time, a church in the next town over puts on a Bethlehem and it’s kind of a tradition to go.  They go all out.  The building is massive, and they’ve got it all decked out.  There’s animals and stalls and everyone is in costume and in character.  When you get there, they give you some pennies and you can go and barter for cool little trinkets, and there’s other more expensive things you can buy with your own money.  And they have the best apple cider.  All in all, it’s pretty cool.

But anyway.  We go every year, bundled up in hats and scarves and mittens, and have a good time.  We’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember, and my mom talks about going when she was a kid.

I’m going to mention again that everyone is massively in character, especially the really super hardcore religious adults.  Because this is an important fact.

Every year since I was about thirteen or so, there’s been this one lady who worked at a stall selling ponchos (I have, like, three.  They’re really cool).  She was probably there before that, but I was thirteen when she started trying to barter for me to marry her son, who was also about thirteen.

“What a pretty little thing.  I think you’d make a very good wife for my son.  These are your parents?  I’ll give you six goats for your daughter’s marriage to my son.”

Her son, meanwhile, is in the “shop” behind her looking absolutely mortified and like he’d rather be anywhere else than there, and I’m pretty sure I probably looked just as embarrassed.

My parents gave her some sort of excuse, like it wasn’t enough goats or they weren’t ready to marry me off yet or something, and we moved on.

The next year we’re back again, and come up near to the same stall.

“Ah!  You’re back again!  Have you married your daughter off yet?  I can up my offer to nine goats and three chickens for your daughter to marry my son.”

Somehow she remembered the exact people she’d tried to buy their daughter off of for an entire year?  So my parents are refusing her offers again and me and the son are trading embarrassed looks and we go on our way.

And then it happens again.  And again.  And again.  Each and every one of the last six years this lady has tried to buy me in goats to be her son’s wife. 

 A couple years ago when we were waiting in line to get inside my mom jokingly said that they should accept this year and see what she’d do and I completely refused because it was mortifying enough as it was.

One year we brought my friend with us and we’re waiting outside and my sister was like “Are you gonna sell Kee this year?” and my dad was like “Maybe if there’s enough goats” and my friend was confused as heck and I was like “This lady tries to buy me to marry her son every year.  I told you that” and she’s like “Yeah but I didn’t think this was a thing that actually happened” and she was still skeptical and by the time my parents had finished refusing the lady’s offer, she’s killing herself laughing and then spent the next few months telling me I couldn’t look at guys because I already had a fiancée.

Anyway, it happened again this Christmas and the son has somehow gotten almost ridiculously attractive since last year.  The speech this year had something to do with how I was far too old to not have a husband yet, and the son and I just rolled our eyes at each other as his mom tried to barter with my parents for me.

This year’s offer was twenty six goats and nine chickens.  My sister looked up how much goats are worth, and was mad our parents didn’t sell me so she could have sold the goats and gotten $2000-$8000 for them.  My dad says they’re waiting out on an offer of a camel.  My brother thinks they should have it more than once a year so he can get more apple cider.

Now I’m back at uni, and in my first psych class of the semester the guy sitting beside me looked really familiar.  

As in his-mom-tries-to-buy-me-with-goats-every-Christmas familiar.

That kind of familiar.

We introduced ourselves before class started and I sat there for a couple minutes readying to make a total fool of myself in case I was wrong before turning to him again.

“This is going to sound really weird if you aren’t who I think you are, but by any chance does your mom try to buy you a wife with goats every Christmas?”

His friend gives me a weird look as he walks past me to sit on the other side of him, but he’s definitely putting the pieces together.

“That’s you?  Bethlehem in [city name], right?  God, my mom is so mortifying.”

And we both kinda laugh and meanwhile his friend is giving us both weird looks now because apparently he didn’t know that his friend’s mom was trying to buy him a wife using livestock.

So he turns to his friend and is like

“Oh, I forgot to introduce you.  Danny, this is my fiancée, Kee.”

And I kinda rolled my eyes and was like

“I’m not actually your fiancée.  Your mom hasn’t offered my parents enough goats yet.  But apparently my dad will sell me for a camel.”

And he laughed and shook his head like

“I am not telling my mom that.  I don’t want to see what she has planned for if your parents ever accept.”

So yeah.  His friend was really confused by that point and we explained it to him and it turns out he’s pretty cool and we’re Facebook friends now and hang out in psych classes.  Apparently his mom only ever tries to buy me for him and she and my mom had gone to the same church growing up which is why she can always pick us out.

So yeah.  That’s the story of how some lady tries to use goats to buy me to be her ridiculously attractive son’s wife every Christmas, and how he’s in my class and we’re friends now.

It was the 23rd of December, 2017, and my sister had convinced her friend to come with us this year.

“And that’s where Kee’s fiancé usually is,” Sam explained as we stood in the line waiting to get inside.  Her friend gave her the same sceptical look she’d apparently been giving since Sam had first told her.

“He’s not my fiancé,” I pointed out, trying to rub some feeling back into my hands.  The Goat Guy had been texting me updates since that morning.  The organizers had discussed it at length, but apparently temperatures of negative eighteen, thirteen inches of snow, and a blizzard warning weren’t quite enough to have Bethlehem cancelled (or for my parents to decide to skip it this year).  Hashtag Canada.

The line was long this year, and we’d already been standing out in the cold for the better part of half an hour.  My brother was loudly lamenting the fact that we couldn’t get to the hot apple cider until we’d made it inside.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I braved taking off a glove to check it.

“Who do you keep texting?” my mom asked, not-so-subtly trying to peer over my shoulder at my phone.

“Gregory from psychology,” I told her, sending off a text informing him that we were still in line.  It wasn’t technically a lie, since, you know, that was his actual name and he was in my psychology classes.  It wasn’t my fault that my family only knew him as the Goat Guy.

“Ooo,” Sam teased, elbowing me in the ribs, her bony elbows hurting less than usual through all our layers.  “I’m going to tell your fiancé he has competition, and then maybe they’ll offer us something useful.  Like a car or a trip to Hawaii or something.”

I snorted again.  “One, he’s still not my fiancé.  Two, he doesn’t have competition, because I’m not interested in him or in Gregory.  And, three, this isn’t a game show.  If anything, his mom will just offer maybe a horse or something.”

“Can I have the horse?”

I rolled my eyes, glancing at my phone as another text came in.  Hurry up.  “Sure, Cole.”

My brother pumped his fist in the air.  “Nice.”

It took another ten minutes or so to make it to the front of the line, and my family had placed their bets on the amount of farm animals that would be offered this year.  My dad reminded me that he was selling me if they offered a camel, and I rolled my eyes, trying to act as reluctant to get to that part of the night as I usually was.  Apparently I didn’t do as good a job as I thought I did, since Mom questioned me.

I shrugged, feeling my phone go off again.  “I guess I’ve just decided to go with it.”

Sam rolled her eyes.  “She thinks he’s hot,” she told her friend.  Which, well, it wasn’t exactly untrue.  Objectively the Goat Guy was ridiculously attractive, but that doesn’t mean I want to (or have time to) date him.

We’d reached the entrance by that point, and were given our little pouches of pennies to buy small trinkets and ducked into the (compared to outside, at least) warmth of Bethlehem.

Roman soldiers milled amongst the people, asking for taxes and wanting to see our papers.  We didn’t have papers, obviously, but the soldier who checked us took an extra penny as a bribe.

“Wait,” Sam’s friend said, stopping in her tracks.  “There’s a petting zoo?”

There was, in fact, a petting zoo.  The petting zoo and the apple cider were there to keep us pacified as we waited for the soldiers to allow us entrance into Bethlehem, and Cole and our parents went off to get us something to drink while I followed Sam and her friend to see the animals.

“What is this?” Sam asked, frowning.  “Where are all the animals?”

There were significantly less animals than usual.  Two whole pens were empty, and I could see a few soldiers and townspeople whispering to each other in a panic.

“Maybe they were too cold,” I suggested, reaching out to pat a pig’s head.  It snorted and turned away.

My parents and brother returned with our drinks, and I sighed into the bliss that is Bethlehem hot apple cider, and, by the time we made it to the gates to listen as the soldiers reminded us of laws that I don’t remember, I actually had a bit of feeling back in my fingers and face.

I pulled off a glove, typing up a quick text.  We’re in.

The stalls were as neat as they always were.  I bought a wooden hammer to add to my collection for a couple pennies.  My mom dug out her wallet to buy a carved wooden bowl.  Sam and her friend took selfies with a girl from their soccer team who was working in a bakery and she snuck them a free scone.  Cole found another apple cider vendor and took three cups for himself.

“Look,” Sam said, grinning wickedly as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders.  “There it is.”

And there it was.  The Goat Guy’s mom was standing outside her shop, heckling with a couple over the price of a rug.

“That is a poncho,” I agreed, glancing at one hanging on the side of the shop and deciding I was going to buy it after this whole thing was over.

Sam rolled her eyes.  “You know that’s not what I mean,” she pointed out, craning her neck.  “I don’t see your fiancé, though.”

“That’s because I don’t have one,” I pointed out, stopping to look at the smithery so I didn’t look too eager to get there.

No one bought that I actually wanted to see some guy pound metal with a hammer (there wasn’t an actual fire or anything, so he was really just sitting there hitting it), so they dragged me across the hall, grins on their faces.

The Goat Guy’s mom, who we will henceforth refer to as the Goat Mom for sake of ease, perked up as she saw us heading towards them, finishing up her bartering and holding her arms out in greeting.

“Ah,” she called, grinning at us.  “Back again, I see.  Surely you must have found a suitable husband for your daughter by now.”

“Nope,” my mom said, giving me a pointed look.  “She’s still single.”

(And, yeah, I was, and still am, but she doesn’t have to be so judgy about it)

The Goat Mom gasped, pressing a hand to her chest.  “My dear, you’re far too old to be without a husband,” she cried, causing people to stop to watch.  I could feel my face heating up, and glanced around wondering where the Goat Guy was at.  We had agreed months ago that this was always far more embarrassing for me than it was for him, so why was he taking so long?

“You won’t be young forever,” the Goat Mom was continuing, grabbing my hands and forcing my to look at her.  “You’re running out of time.”  She glanced past me to my parents, a smug look on her face that said she got just as much enjoyment out of this as my family did.  “My son is still in need of a wife.  I’ll tell you what, I will give you thirty goats and ten chickens for your daughter.  She—”

“Aww, Mom.  You started negotiations without me?  How are they supposed to know I’d be the perfect husband for Kee if they can’t see how hot I am?”

The Goat Mom froze for a moment, her grip on my hands loosening enough for me to pull away.  I followed the shocked gazes of my family and his mom to the Goat Guy.

He was leaning casually against the shop, somehow managing to look good in clothes that were 2000 years out of fashion, a smirk on his face and a half dozen goats and a llama surrounding him.

“That’s Kee’s fiancé,” Sam whispered to her friend, as if there was any doubt about his identity.

His mom blinked out of her shock, narrowing her eyes at him.  “Are you drunk?”

The Goat Guy looked offended, raising a hand to his chest.  “What?  No!”

Cole started cackling.  I don’t think he had any more idea what was going on than the rest of them, but fifteen year old boys are weird.

His mom glanced back at us for a moment, and I had to look away to keep the grin off my face, and noticed quite the crowd had gathered.

She took a deep breath as she turned back to her son, pressing her fingers to her temples.  “Then why do you have goats?”

I couldn’t keep myself from snorting then, but, thankfully, everyone seemed too distracted to notice.

The Goat Guy rolled his eyes, relaxing back against the shop once more.  “I mean, you’ve been failing at bartering me a wife for eight years, Mom,” he pointed out.  “I think they just don’t believe we really have as many goats as you say we have.  So I brought goats!”  He waved the ropes in his hands, and sent me a wink.  “And a llama!  Girls like llamas.”

“I think that’s actually an alpaca,” my brother helpfully pointed out, and the Goat Guy grinned.

“You’re probably right, my man,” he agreed and turned back to me.  “I’m adding this alpaca onto the list of whatever my mom’s already offered.  We can ride off on it into the sunset.  What do you say?”

“I say it probably wouldn’t hold us.”  I was grinning now, too, no longer able to hold it in.

The Goat Guy just shrugged and stayed silent, letting our families stew for a moment.

“Are you sure you aren’t drunk?” his mom finally asked, glancing between us in confusion.  “Maybe you’ve been spending a little too much time at the, uh, tavern.”  She glanced at the goats and the llama (alpaca?), realization dawning on her face.  “Gregory, you had better not be the reason everyone is panicking about the animals going missing from the petting—trading post.”

“Not drunk,” he insisted, ignoring the part about him stealing the animals from the petting zoo as he thrust the leads of the animals into her hands before she had a chance to protest.  “I’m just excited to see my future wife.”  He crossed the distance between us, my family stepping back, still mostly in shock, and wrapped me up in his arms.  “How’s it going, Kee?”

I laughed, hugging him back quickly before pulling away.  “Hey, Gregory,” I echoed loudly, my grin growing at the gasp that came from someone in my family.  “How’d you find the psych final?”

He groaned, burying his face in my neck.  “Ugh, don’t even get me started,” he whined, an arm wrapping back around my shoulders.  “I didn’t fail, but that’s about all I can say.”

I hummed in sympathy, watching our families try to piece together what was going on and the crowd that was wondering if this was supposed to be happening.  His mom’s mouth was opening to say something as I caught sight of a couple of soldiers pushing through the crowd, and nudged him.

“You!” one yelled, and the Goat Guy’s head snapped of my shoulder, staring at the soldier in shock.  “He stole the king’s animals!”  One of the others came forward, pulling him away from me.

“You, uh, have the right to remain silent,” he started, fixing his grip on the Goat Guy’s arm.  The soldier who grabbed his other arm rolled his eyes.

“He doesn’t have any rights.”

“Oh, right.”  The second soldier nodded and turned back to the Goat Guy.  “You don’t have the right to remain silent,” he amended.

“Take him to the king,” the first soldier ordered, taking the leads from the Goat Mom.  “He should be tried at once.”

The Goat Guy regained his wits and started to struggle against their hold.

“Wait for me, Kee!” he cried as they dragged him back through the parted crowd.  “I’ll come back for you!”

By the time he’d disappeared and the crowd had filled in their path, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.  It’d gone better than either of us could’ve hoped.

I calmed down after a moment, and the Goat Mom was still staring in confusion in the direction her son had disappeared in.  I stepped past her to the shop, pulling the poncho I’d noticed earlier off the wall.

“I’d like to buy this, please,” I said, and her eyes snapped back to me.  I grinned and handed her the money, and she pocketed it without bartering, and I walked away, the crowd parting for me as I wandered towards the next stall.

My family joined me a few moments later, as I was browsing some blown glass ornaments and ignoring the fact that the shopkeepers were whispering about me.

“What was that?” my mom demanded.

I shrugged.  “That was her bartering for me to marry the Goat Guy like every year.”

“Yeah, that was not like every year.”  Sam snorted and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.  “Since when do you know the Goat Guy?”

“Since January?”  I tried to look confused, but I’m pretty sure I was still grinning.  “You knew that.”

“No?”

“Yeah?” I countered.  “Gregory from psychology?”

The stared at me for a long moment before any of them spoke.  Sam’s friend was the only one who seemed more entertained than confused.

“That was Gregory from psychology?” my mom asked, and I shrugged, grinning wider.  “You planned this, didn’t you?  That’s why you kept texting him outside?”

I shrugged.  “I mean, we didn’t plan him getting arrested,” I admitted.  “But, yeah, we planned the rest.”

“How’d he steal the goats and the alpaca?” Cole wondered.

“He knows a guy.”

“Like that’s what’s important here.”  Sam rolled her eyes.

“Why?” my dad asked, and I shrugged again.

“Seven years’ worth of revenge.”

“That’s not what’s important either,” Sam interjected, huffing loudly.  “Kee’s totally dating the Goat Guy.  I called it.”

“We’re not dating.”  I rolled my eyes, pushing past them to continue through Bethlehem.  There should’ve been another apple cider vendor coming up soon, and I’d lost all the heat from the last one.

My family did not drop it through the rest of Bethlehem, and neither did any of the vendors who, apparently, knew exactly who I was (my toque was kind of distinctive, so I guess I’ll give them that) and let me know how sorry they were to hear that my man had been locked up just for trying to provide for his family.

We also saw the Goat Guy again, who had been locked up with the prisoners in a large cage, guarded by a handful of soldiers.

He grinned as he saw us approaching, calling out for me and sticking his arms through the bars.

“Can I borrow your notes later?” he asked.  “I’m in here for nineteen years, so I’ll be missing a bit of class.”

Sam and her friend posed for selfies with him, and then she made me pose for one with him that will definitely be used for blackmail at a later date.

And that was Bethlehem.  No one shut up on the entire drive home, or for the rest of Christmas break, for that matter, about the fact that I’d been keeping my knowing the Goat Guy a secret for almost a year—which I hadn’t, as I pointed out multiple times.  They all knew about Gregory from psychology, and he was literally in my phone as The Goat Guy.  It wasn’t my fault they hadn’t put the pieces together.

My family is convinced the Goat Guy and I are meant to be and still not entirely convinced that we aren’t currently dating, and I’m kind of dreading what that might mean for Bethlehem 2k18.  Honestly, I’d rather not have to deal with the fallout of my parents actually giving in and getting me a bartered husband, no matter how hot he might be.  But I feel like they’re going to accept one year, especially after what we did this year.  

The Goat Guy says his mom isn’t any better, and is already planning for next year but won’t let him know anything.  Maybe I can convince my parents that I never have to go back ever again.

Two weeks later, I caught the Goat Guy’s eye from across the psychology lecture hall, waving him over.

“Hey,” I said, grinning at him as he slipped into the seat beside me.  I turned to my friends.  “Guys, this is Gregory the Goat Guy.”

“Her fiancé,” he added, and I snorted at my friends’ incredulous looks and punched him gently in the shoulder.

“Not my fiancé,” I corrected, and turned back to him.  “The llama was impressive, but you know my dad’s expecting a camel.”

“Darn,” he said, laughing.  “I could have sworn you said llama.  I guess I’ll have to find a camel by next year if we ever want to get engaged.”  He paused, raising an eyebrow.  “But you know, I did get arrested before your parents had a chance to decline the offer this time.  Maybe they were going to say yes to the llama.”

“Wait,” my friend said, leaning around me to give the Goat Guy a once over.  “That story was real?  The Goat Guy actually exists?”


Tags:

#storytime #long post #Christmas #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

ceescedasticity:

ceescedasticity:

strictlyquadrilateral:

tumblr_inline_pdqzikrjkw1rg5216_540

(link)

Sweet, Salty, Sour, Bitter, Savory courts

Dog, Cat, Bird, Small Mammal, Reptile/Amphibian, Large Mammal, Fish courts

Aerobic and Anaerobic courts… that one’s going to be a little unwieldy

Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous courts

Cambrian, Ordovician, Silurian, Devonian, Carboniferous, Permian courts

Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune courts. WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE PLUTO COURT THING. (…There’s a story there.)

Clockwise and Counterclockwise courts

…or Deasil and Widdershins, fine, but the clockwise version is more neutral

Proton, Neutron, Electron courts

you know I could keep going but I think I’m going to stop

This is not as much of an issue as it used to be – to my knowledge no one has been killed over it for a few years, but my advice to humans who must deal with the Courts remains the same: Do NOT ask if there is a Court of Pluto. Do not ask why there is no Court of Pluto. Ideally avoid mentioning the word ‘Pluto’.

The problem is that the story is rather embarrassing to several powerful people and they would really rather it not be brought to mind. Ever.

You didn’t hear this from me.

Keep reading


Tags:

#storytime #fae

ts-porter:

ts-porter:

ts-porter:

sixthousandbees:

Thought about “Humans are space orcs/space fae”. There was a line talking about how theres a human working on a ship but no-ones entirely sure if they’re meant to be there, but they didn’t want to like offend the terrifying space orc.

What if the “drifter” archetype continues into space? Like maybe we negotiated for free travel with one of our allies, but because humans come from a death world and are terrfiying, and because humans can be oblivious, we just assume we can board on any ship going anywhere, nbd?

like not as stowaways. we’re not hiding. Like those wolves and wild dogs in russia that use the railways. Are YOU going to tell a wolf they shouldn’t be riding the train?!? Thought not.

Captain Diii did not become aware of the… problem until her ship was a full half-cycle out from the resupply station. She was halfway through a standard sweep of the ship, to be sure it was all in good order, when she came across a sort of cocoon constructed of light, sturdy fabric strung up in the end of service corridor alpha. It was not blocking access to anything of even minor importance, it simply was not meant to be there. It had no use she could discern, but it had no place aboard Captain Diii’s ship.

“What is the purpose of this?” Captain Diii asked the young technician assigned to the sector.

Their mood-spots cycled to anxiety-orange as their feet shuffled in discomfort. “The human called it her ‘hammock’ and said it would be out of the way there?”

A human. On Captain Diii’s ship. Her spots flashed from fear to anger to consternation and settled on worry. This had never before happened to her. She’d only been captain for two annuals, and she operated so far from any of the major travel hubs she had hoped she would not have to deal with this.

The problem had started after the war. The terrifying human ‘marines’ had been key to repelling the Kkoin invaders, with their wild recklessness and near-indestructibility. They had put an end to the war very quickly, and the terms of alliance in exchange for this service had been seen as extremely generous. They asked for transportation, mainly, since human FTL drives still lagged behind galactic standard. It had been assumed that by this they meant transporting goods and perhaps colonists by arrangement, but the wording had been ambiguous in translation.

That did happen, but in addition humans would simply… step onto ships going where they wanted to go. And stay. Who would dare contradict a human? Any one of them could turn deadly at a moment’s notice. Their hardiness and ferocity was legend. As of yet, no way of repelling them had been 100% effective. Their comfort range was massive, so keeping a ship hot or cold did not help. Scents designed to be maximally unpleasant to the human sensory array dissuaded some, but others would simply laugh and joke about them as they boarded anyway. It seemed they could acclimate to even the most noxious of scents within a few cycles.

Some humans would uproot their entire families and head for another planet, seemingly on a whim. Other humans would then go visit these families, and go back home, or not. Some humans traveled from planet to planet and station to station to satisfy their near-endless curiosity. Some traveled because to travel and see new things gave them pleasure, and then returned to their homes seemingly refreshed.

Such a strange species.

Captain Diii had been certain she had assigned someone to guard the ship and tell any hopeful humans that there was no space for them if they tried to board. Captain Diii did not have any facilities for humans aboard her ship. She hurried to the nearest communication pod and signaled for her second in command, Taa, to join her.

Taa already had anxiety flashing on her mood spots when she arrived.

“Taa, were you not assigned to inform humans that there was no space?” Captain Diii asked.

“I did, Captain!” Taa protested. “But she answered that she did not need much and walked right past me! What could I do?”

“And where is she now?” Diii asked.

“The kitchens. She… she said she wanted to be added to the duty roster, and that she enjoyed food preparation?”

That was another thing about the humans. They almost all wanted to work on the ships they boarded. Often they threw duty schedules into disarray by simply volunteering themselves to do tasks. At least this one seemed to know to ask the officer in charge of duties.

Diii found the human in the kitchens, as expected. She was very tall and thin for her type, of the morph ‘all bones’, if Diii was remembering the mandatory human-culture lessons that had been recently been added to ships-captain certification classes. She seemed to lack the jiggling bits that were so disconcerting on some humans. She did not reek of artificial fragrances as some humans did, instead scented pleasantly of human natural musk. Her head-covering stands, ‘hair’, was a friendly violet. Diii was certain this was not a natural coloration for the species. Her loose cloth coverings were earthy browns and creams, reminiscent of a child’s camouflage.

The human turned to look at Captain Diii, and showed her white-bone teeth in the body language ‘smile’, a gesture of friendliness and pleasure. Now that she was turned, Diii could see that half of the human’s head was shaved, and an array of electronics were installed directly in her skull. It was testament to their extraordinary healing powers that augmenting themselves with inorganic parts was commonplace in human culture. The humans had the technology to make their implants invisible, but some chose to make them visible because it looked ‘bad posterior’, which was somehow a good thing and aesthetically pleasing to them?

The human’s implants lit up, showing the exact blue of happiness, as she straightened up to give the human ‘salute’–a greeting to a superior. “Captain Diii? It’s good to meet you. I’m Elizabeth, but you can call me Zizi.”

Captain Diii could not help but be somewhat charmed. She must have the latest language-translation chip, Zizi’s speech was near perfect, and that she had something that functioned nearly like mood-spots was comforting. Her chosen name, as well, was easy to pronounce and nonthreateningly low-status.

“A greeting, Zizi,” Captain Diii answered carefully. “May I inquire your purpose aboard my ship?”

“Oh, I’m just a drifter,” Zizi said. “I just love traveling, you know? I heard the moons of Sigma7 were gorgeous, so I’m working my way that-a-ways.” Zizi’s pseudo-mood spot lights switched to anticipation before cycling back to happiness. “I’ll be off your ship at the next supply depot, if I can find someone heading more that direction.”

Ah, the ‘drifter’ type. Captain Diii had heard of them. ‘ship-hoppers’. An entire sub-class of humans who wandered the galaxy simply because they did not want to do anything else. They were famously the most difficult to dissuade from boarding a ship, and most likely to board from strange ports and going strange directions. Clearly it was not Taa’s fault she had been unable to keep Zizi out, and Diii signaled brief apology toward her.

“I won’t be any trouble,” Zizi continued. “I can set my hammock up anywhere to sleep, if it’s in your way?”

“The location you have chosen is… acceptable,” Captain Diii allowed. Zizi’s hair’s constant show of friendly had her own spots heading toward that color in automatic prosocial response. It was somewhat disconcerting. “I will leave you to your work,” Captain Diii said, retreating, and Zizi smiled and threw another quick salute before turning back to the food on the stove. Her implants showed concentration and curiosity, and then Captain Diii was outside the room with her again.

She turned toward Taa, who was still concerned. “I have heard that ships with a human listed on their crew roster have a 30% lower chance of being targeted by pirates?” Taa volunteered.

“Yes, yes,” Captain Diii mused. The risk was very low to begin with, especially for a ship like hers that did not haul valuable cargo, but anything that lowered it further could not be all bad. “It is not your fault in any case, Taa. Nothing could have prevented this human from boarding.”

Taa relaxed some, and Captain Diii returned to her inspection of the ship. Then she went to the helm and transmitted her updated crew roster to the main control base, encrypted only very lightly.

It certainly would not be bad to be known to have a human aboard.

Anybody in the mood for another Zizi story?

.

Crew satisfaction with meals increased by ~12% when the human drifter Zizi was working in the kitchens. She had the same base ingredients to work with that were aboard any ship, but her inventiveness with seasonings leant an artificial sense of variety to the meals.

Who would have thought to add sourleaf to a puddingfruit custard, or sweet red spice to a savory stew? And yet the combinations were delicious. When questioned, Zizi claimed to cook ‘by feel’ rather than following recipes. Most curious. Captain Diii’s favorite invention of Zizi’s was a thing she called ‘chai’, a rich spicy infusion in sweetened hot water. She said it was for relaxation, and Diii was not the only one who found themself sipping on a warm cup in the lounge at the end of shift.

Zizi was often in the lounge when she was off duty. She integrated with the crew very easily, making friendly overtures and playing games. She was already a master at Snap and Shuffle, the most popular games among the younger crew, and she also had a ‘pack of cards’, worn rectangles of stiff paper with drawings on them, and taught a few of the crew the human games ‘go fish’ and ‘texas hold ‘em’.

Zizi was even willing to help in duties that were not her own, if requested. When a hard-to-reach relay fuse burnt out, the engineers enlisted the reach of her long arms to replace it without having to take the wall apart. When Lucu, the youngest of the cleaning staff, injured their graspers and was barred from duty for five cycles, Zizi was one of the volunteers to perform their duties, and did so will skill and efficiency. When the algal vats in the air purification and reoxygenation plant needed turning, Zizi joined in, uncomplaining despite the heavy work.

All in all, having a human aboard was not as bad as Captain Diii had
feared. It was, in fact, entirely pleasant–though that had more to do
with this individual human than humans in general.

“You have many skills, human Zizi,” Captain Diii praised. Both she and Zizi were off their duty shift, and enjoying a cup of ‘chai’ together. Her mood spots were showing a mild violet to match the human’s hair, both of them happy to be sharing friendly companionship.

Zizi rubbed at the back of her neck, ducking a bit and her pseudo-mood-spots showing faint embarrassment. “Well, I’m a jack-of-all-trades, and you know what they say about those. Master of none.”

Ah, yes, Captain Diii had heart of the jack-of-all-trades subtype of human, able to achieve proficiency in a great number of skills. No wonder Zizi was so versatile and creative! This only confirmed to Diii that what she had discussed with Taa was the correct course of action, and her mood spots headed toward both excitement and worry.

“In another three cycles we will reach the supply depot,” Captain Diii began. “You have proven yourself a valuable member of the crew, and all would be sad to see you leave. We as a ship extend to you an offer: will you contract as a paid crew member for a full annual?”

The human Zizi blinked her eyes at Captain Diii several times, which body language she did not know how to interpret. “You’re offering to hire me?”

“Yes. I can offer standard wages and a private space in the crew quarters.” Captain Diii said. Taa had recently pair-bonded with two of the engineers, moving them into her rooms, so there was an available berth. It was not much, but it was all Captain Diii could offer.

“Wow, that would be perfect!” Zizi stated, before Diii could become too worried about her response. She bared her teeth in a wide smile, mood implants lighting up with joy. “I love this ship, and I was about out of money too, haha! Thank you so much Captain, I accept!”

Captain Diii’s mood spots flickered to joy as well, answering Zizi’s happiness with her own. She was absolutely certain she had made the correct decision. Zizi was certainly good for the ship and crew.

And maybe, if they were lucky, having such a high-quality human aboard would keep lower-quality humans from taking up residence.

.

The time has come. The time for more Zizi and Diii.

.

Hiring Zizi as a crewmember was an absolute success. Their very own ‘jack-of-all-trades’, able to fill nearly any role with little teaching, and at the standard wages for a single crewmember! Diii was proud to be able to claim her ship’s human as a valuable asset when other captains attempted to commiserate about humans boarding their ships. There was no shortage of jealous captains, but Diii had hired Zizi first.

Should Zizi follow her drifter inclinations to leave Diii’s crew once her contracted annual was over, she would be able to hire on to any number of other ships. Still, Diii was glad to have her while she could.

Zizi was far more aggressive than Taa would dare to be, dissuading other humans from choosing to board the ship. It was convenient to be able to assign her the task, and know that she could keep her species-mates away. Zizi also had a talent for haggling with Yikar merchants, common in some of the supply depots Diii’s ship frequented. With Zizi along, essentials could be purchased at an average of 14% lower price–not a difference to be underestimated!

Not to say that there were not occasional problems. Such was inevitable. Once, Zizi got into a screaming argument with another human who wished to board the ship, which became a physical altercation, which the supply depot’s security bots broke up. How utterly mortifying to have to explain to the security monitors that Zizi had been following orders, and that Diii wished her returned so that they might make an on-schedule departure. Diii’s spots were tinged with anxiety-orange for three full cycles afterward!

Another time, through either malice or inattention, a Yikar merchant sold Zizi an assortment of spices that included deadly poisons! Of course, they would not harm Zizi–some of them came from the human’s own eggworld. It was only luck that one of the senior cooks had been in the kitchen when Zizi happily brought in the spices to experiment with them, and recognized them for the poisons they were. Otherwise, the entire crew might have been lost! Everyone loved Zizi’s cooking. Thankfully, the ‘garlics’ were caught and properly disposed of before they were even opened, and Zizi did not make the same mistake again.

Most distressing was the time when, rather than keeping other humans out, Zizi brought an entire group of them into the ship. The ship had stopped at one of the most major travel hubs they frequented, and Zizi was greeted by a group of humans of assorted morphs, whom she clung to tight with her long arms, and pressed her mouth to in the human ‘kisses’. Her mood implants burned with joy.

They were a very loud group, and Zizi briefly introduced them as ‘my people’ before bringing them into the ship and entirely taking over the crew lounge. Their harsh barks, the human ‘laughter’, echoed through the entire ship at irregular intervals. They had some terrible sound technology, rhythmic beats and discordant screeching, which those few who were able to get close enough to the lounge to observe them reported that they moved their bodies to.

The sound assault never stopped, but it did become quieter as the cycle ended. Diii braved herself to peer into the lounge, to see that they had wires connected to the electronic implants in their skulls, and were manipulating them to effects they seemed to find humorous or pleasurable. It was barbaric, horrifying, and Diii retreated again before they saw her.

Diii had of course heard of the common human practice of altering their mental chemistry, through means both safe and deadly, for the sake of entertainment. She had thought their human was different. Not, it seemed, when she was among her own kind!

There was massive consternation throughout the crew. Of course there was. Humans were known for their pack-bonding, and as much as Zizi had seemed to bond to the crew, she was still human. What if she had chosen to bring all of ‘her people’ into the ship permanently? There might be enough room for them all in Zizi’s crew quarters, should they all have cocoons like her ‘hammock’ for sleeping in.

Thankfully, the group left after a cycle and a half–just before the ship was due to leave port. Zizi moved slowly and wore dark coverings over her eyes for another half cycle after that, claiming to suffer from ‘an overhang of cyberjacking’. She recovered after a single sleep cycle, and all in the ship returned to normal.

Still, as stressful as these few incidents were, Zizi was overall a very useful crew member. She worked hard, and was cheerful, and her good cheer transferred to all the crew. They all loved their Zizi, especially the younger crew, even though she was human.

Her good cheer was so ubiquitous, it became immediately obvious when it left her. This was five and six supply depot stops after the stressful invasion of ‘Zizi’s people’, a little over halfway through Zizi’s annual contract. Zizi requested time away from the ship at the fourth stop, and returned with frustration tinting her pseudo mood spots. She began to show anxiety before the fifth, again requested time away from the ship, and returned with her pseudo-mood-spots glowing with orange anxiety and bleeding into fear. Her anxiety increased before the sixth, and Captain Diii of course granted her the time she needed away from the ship.

None of her careful research could tell her why a previously happy human might become stressed, when nothing in the ship had changed. Truly, there was not much known of them other than their battle prowess and propensity toward boarding ships going the direction they wished to go.

Zizi was furious when she returned. Her long angular limbs moved sharply, pseudo-mood-spots flashing warning, and all the crew scattered away from her in terror. Zizi kicked the wall three times as soon as she was within the ship, her heavy boots leaving dents. She slammed her fists against the wall and screamed, a high and horrible sound. Taa, heavy now with gestating zygotes and so having the strongest protective instincts, fell to the floor, limbs curled in tight as she went catatonic in self-preservation, and she was only the first. Many of the younger crew followed her example. Captain Diii felt the instinct herself, but she straightened her limbs and respirated carefully, drawing on her captain’s training to resist it.

Then Zizi crumpled to the floor, as though mortally wounded. She barked, shoulders heaving. It was only when Diii gathered the presence of mind to realize that her mood implants were showing utter misery that she realized what Zizi was doing was the human ‘crying’, and not ‘laughing’. It was a thing that humans did when very distressed.

Captain Diii approached cautiously. “Crew Zizi? What is the reason for this distress?” she quarried. She reached out, carefully, to pat Zizi’s warm shoulder with one grasper.

Zizi turned to face her, flopping over to sit on the floor rather than kneel. Her eyes were overflowing with water, and she made a loud wet noise with her nose before wiping them with her sleeve. Then she seemed to notice the catatonic crew, and dropped her head down between her knees. Her mood implants looked more miserable than Diii had ever seen, and it only sharpened her own distress.

“Reproduction and excrement, captain. I’m sorry,” Zizi apologized. “I didn’t mean to… I’m ‘distressed’ because I can’t get my girl pills out here. Nowhere’s got them, and my stock’s running out.”

Captain Diii patted Zizi’s shoulder again, more lingeringly this time. It did not feel wrong, to take such a liberty, and it did seem to ease the sharpness of Zizi’s misery. And when Zizi reached up, covering Diii’s grasper with her own to hold it close, that did not feel wrong either.

“You require a ‘pills’?” Diii asked. “May I ask a clarification?”

“Yeah, it’s… reproduction, how would you understand it?” Zizi made the loud wet sound with her nose again, a sharp inhale. “They help me keep the right morph? I’d grow into a different one otherwise.”

“To be honest, human Zizi, it is very difficult to tell your official morphs apart.” The way the humans classified themselves defied all logic.

“Yeah, I know.” Zizi looked up at Diii, her mouth turning up on the edges just a bit, though her eyes were reddened and wet. “That’s part of why I love traveling with you guys. You take me at my word, what morph I am. But… it matters to me that my body doesn’t grow wrong?”

“Then it is a matter of crew wellness,” Captain Diii decided, firmly. She gave Zizi’s shoulder a squeeze. “You must tell me exactly what these ‘pills’ are, and we will send an urgent message ahead to our next depot requisitioning them. It must be paid for from the health and safety budget, of course. You are an important member of the crew.”

Zizi’s mouth fell open, her teeth showing behind her lax lips. She blinked at Captain Diii, mood implants showing shock and then a burst of joy as her eyes began to overflow again.

“I really need to hug you,” she said, and wrapped her long arms around Diii’s middle. She rested her head against Diii’s central bulk, like a hatchling seeking safety, and it felt very natural to Diii to wrap several graspers around her to hold her close.

“You’re the best, Captain. Just the best,” Zizi said. Best based on what rubric, she did not clarify, but human speech was well known to be full of hyperbole.

“You are most satisfactory as a crew member,” Captain Diii assured Zizi. “Now, will you help to revive the catatonic crew? I believe some of your ‘chai’ would go well, after such excitement.”

“Yes, Captain.” Zizi released Diii from the ‘hug’ and levered herself to her feet, then bent down to press one of her human ‘kiss’ to the top of Diii’s head. She wiped her eyes one last time, gave a salute, and headed for the kitchen.

There. The crisis was ended, as quickly as it had begun. Diii had no doubt that Zizi would prove as adept at soothing and reviving catatonic crew as she was everything else she set her hand to.

Though difficulties like this were bound to arise any time different species shared a space, Zizi’s inclusion in the crew could only be calculated to an overall benefit.

Captain Diii was more than lucky to have hired her before some other crew snapped her up.

.

FIN

I hope you enjoyed. I don’t think I have any more Zizi and Diii stories to share.

Love my writing? My first novel has some very fun humans and aliens cohabitating (and loving each other), if that’s your jam.
You can preorder it [here]!


Tags:

#storytime #aliens #long post

sadoeuphemist:

writing-prompt-s:

You’ve just finished your latest invention: A Universal Translator. While testing it, you accidentally input some human genome and, to your surprise, it begins to work. As it processes you can make out the first few words: “Quality assured by inspector #12.”

An excerpt from Towards a Theory of Universal Translation: Genolinguistics and the Meaning of Life

It was in fact a seemingly harmless incident precipitated by Dr. Odoki that threatened to undermine the entire Universal Translator Project, casting doubts on whether Universal Translation was even a meaningful goal. Odoki was training the Translator on pseudorandom sequences as part of its pattern recognition algorithms, when he inadvertently inputted a section of the human genome. The subsequent output of the Translator is by now infamous among both linguists and biologists alike:

Quality assured by inspector #12.1

Discussing the accuracy of this translation presents unique difficulties, given that the original text, expressed as a sequence of over sixty million base pairs, is far too long to reasonably fit within a paper, and too unwieldy for analysis as a whole.2Thus even a word-for-word or morpheme-for-morpheme translation of the sequence is a practical impossibility, leaving no mutual ground from which translators can build. Holisticists, such as Ishiguro and van der Hoek, have gone so far as to suggest that comprehending such a complex sequence can only be meaningfully done by machine intelligences, leaving us humans with no other option than to accept the translations we are given.

On the other end of the spectrum, doubters such as Kapinsky have used this incident as proof of the Universal Translation Project’s fundamental flaws. Kapinsky’s argument is that Universal Translation is overly focused on producing comprehensible results, at the expense of accurately translating information. In Kapinsky’s words:

The fallacy of Universal Translation is the assumption that everything in the universe, the utterances of an alien intelligence, will be comprehensible to us as humans, if simply translated in the right way. It’s this assumption that has led to over-generous parameters for pattern recognition: the human genome is nothing more than a sequence of information, correct? Then surely it must have meaning, and surely that meaning can be communicated by something as mundane as words. And so the Universal Translator stretches to communicate a point, and this meaningless nonsense is the result. The possibility that, just perhaps, not all information can be adequately communicated or expressed, completely fails to cross our minds.3

Between these two extremes, where human translation is considered impossible, many alternative translations have been proposed. The so-called “inspector #12″ is commonly understood to refer to a regulator gene, with the phrase as a whole indicating the proper functioning of the gene sequence. Wittier translates the sequence simply as

To be encoded by regulator gene #12.4

claiming that the entirety of human genome could be accurately translated as a similar sequence of instructions. Wittier views phrasing such as “quality assured” to be an overreach on the part of the Universal Translator, better expressed as an indicator that the regulator gene will be at work. Margoulies, on the other hand, adheres more closely to the Universal Translator’s output, insisting that an assurance of quality is different from mere instruction. Her translation of

Regulator gene #12 is well-functioning.5

maintains that the sequence expresses a positive claim about its own functioning, indicating a capacity for judgement. For Margoulies, the language of the human genome is not simply a list of instructions to be followed, but also a set of standards and goals and evaluations that are expressed in the formation of a human being.

Meanwhile, Kiang Kang-Hu, in a particularly controversial approach, identifies a so-called section of ‘junk DNA’ within the sequence as a deictic pronoun indicating the first person, and has proposed the radical translation of

I, regulator #12, assure quality.6

In Kiang’s view, language cannot exist separate from a speaker, and thus any so-called translations that reduce the sequence’s meaning to mere statements of biological fact are simply embarrassed attempts to explain away the initial anomalies of the Universal Translator Project. In Kiang’s own words:

A pattern is not language. A listed sequence of events, independent of purpose, is not language, not anymore than the tide leaving its marks on the shore is language. Call a geologist to interpret marks that erosion has etched in stone, not a linguist! What the Universal Translation Project has given us is not pattern recognition. It’s communication. It’s the voices of the universe calling out to us.

There’s a language in our bones, in our blood, in our DNA. You, and I, and everyone else, we are not just a set of facts to be written down and catalogued. We’re a hundred million stories, each and every one of us. All we need to do is listen.7

 

1Version 2.1 of Universal Translator [Computer software]. (2034).
2The complete sequence can be found at https://ut.qi/KLR83345
3Andreas Kapinsky, The Death of Meaning, trans. Nicholas Sherridan, (Oblivion Books, 2036), 24.
4Byrnner Wittier, An Introduction to Biological Linguistics, (Columbia University Press, 2041), 56.
5G. Margoulies, Anthologie Raisonné de la Traducion, trans. Wang Wei, (Payot, 2038), 119

6Kiang Kang-Hu, Regulator #12, and the Rest of Humanity, (Puffin Press, 2044), 85.
7Ibid., 216-217


Tags:

#storytime #language

Guest Post: Diabolus Hypnotica by Samantha Parks

hypnoticharlequin:

So, something a little different today! I’ve been friends with a wonderful author called Samantha Parks for a few years now and those of you who enjoyed porn in the early days of the internet will likely be familiar with her.

For those who aren’t, Samantha was one of the best and most prolific erotica writers of the mid-90s and her work was shared on all sorts of BBSes and forums.

She hasn’t published anything for a while, but when she asked me about posting something on my blog to see if people were still interested in her work, well I couldn’t say no!

So I really hope you enjoy (and support) Samantha’s return, and without further ado, I’ll hand over to her!

 

 

Greetings. I’m Samantha Parks and years ago, I wrote a piece of erotica, so different and so daring, the government shut it down. It was deemed unfit for mortal minds to read through their mortal eyes. However, after digging through the vaults (my basement) I’ve been able to recover and piece it together. So here, for the first time, is my opus Diabolus Hypnotica. To celebrate this momentous occasion I am also going to present author’s notes to help you understand the fractured narrative you are about to enjoy.

 

-Diabolus Hypnotica-

 

Chapter 1- The start of things to come

It was a cold night on the streets of the city. Emily rubbed her fleshy hands together in a failing attempt to warm her fingers. Soon she would be home to the warm and dark embrace of the darkness.

As she arrived she nodded her head towards Francesco, the doorman of her building. She asked about mail. He had heard of mail, but there was none for Emily. This was normal. Emily didn’t get many letters.

She climbed into the elevator and let it elevate her to the floor where her apartment sat, the same as it always did. She walked in through the front door of her apartment because all of the other doors in her lease were interior doors and thus impossible to enter through. She went to her computer. She loved her computer, working in IT meant she had to have a computer and this one was a beast.

It was a beautiful, off-beige, SliconFusion B86. It had a quad speed CD drive, a colossal 8 MB of memory and a sound card. It was beautiful. If it had been a person she would have made love to it. However, it was a computer, and sexbots would not be common for at least ten years.

 

At this point, I had a sponsorship deal with SilconFusion computers. They paid me $20 every time I mentioned their name in a story. They were planning on releasing a sexbot and had a good prototype. However, it gained sentience and drowned itself in a bowl of soup. This put the project back several years.

Actually, I should check if that deal is still going, as they owe me at least $40 for this.

 

Emily turned her computer on and went to make a cup of tea. She scanned the boxes in the cupboard and picked a tea that would perfectly suit her mood. Something dark, something moody, even musty.

She got the box and put it on the table with a thud. She boiled the kettle and felt the heat in the room rise. She poured the water on the tea. She carried the tea to the couch and drank it. She turned around and saw her computer finishing its boot process. The green cursor flashing on the deep black background.

She tapped the keyed and started up her connection. Its whirring was comforting, relaxing even. Its aural landscape transported her to a world of electronic sheep counting each other as a way to get to sleep. It was a peaceful place. Emily was happy when a warning popped up telling her that the connection had failed. It meant she got to visit that place again.

After the second attempt, the internet connection connected to the data tubes. Emily went to the place she always went. A chat-room. It was like sending each other letters, except you didn’t need to write or wait for it to be delivered, or to know the person you were sending it to. It also didn’t use envelopes. This was good, Emily hated envelopes.

 

While this may seem odd now, people really loved hearing about the magic of the internet back then. It was authors like me who made the internet so popular by hooking people with our stories.

 

Emily had a favorite room. It was like a room in her house, except it was full of people she didn’t know and had not let in. It also did not exist physically, much like the built-in closet the landlord kept insisting was there despite Emily not being able to see it.  

Her heart lit up as she saw one of the names in the user list. Arachnida. Emily loved seeing Arachnida, they had been talking for a few weeks and Emily had loved every moment of it.

Emily sent Arachnida a hello. A common start that meant so much to her. Soon Arachnida replied and within moments the two were in a high-speed conversation. The conversation got so fast Emily had to get her second keyboard out to be able to keep up. Like most people who worked with computers, Emily could type with every single one of her limbs and this was a talent Arachnida found delightfully endearing.

“So what are you up to tonight?” Asked Emily via her typed words.

“Studying for my certification exam,” Arachnida replied with her typed words that looked the same as Emily’s just with a different name at the start of the line.

“Another exam? Why do magicians require so many tests?”

“For the last time, I am not a magician. I am a hypnotist. It is a recognized field, like Demonology or the draining of humors,” replied Arachnida, the speed of her reply conveying her irritation.

 

I actually had a degree in Demonology, before the killjoy government shut it down as apparently you have to be a “registered institution” to give out degrees and not just be an eldritch entity that lives under a bridge. The joke is on them, I still have it on my resume.

 

“True, magic would pay better,” replied Emily, sticking her tongue out despite Arachnida not being able to see it.

“You didn’t seem to complain,” replied Arachnida. Her message was followed by either hand cramp or an attempt at rendering a face using the simplistic ASCI character set.

“I didn’t seem to complain? I have never been involved in your weirdness,” replied Emily, slightly indignant at the idea of Arachnida presuming her likes and dislikes without her vocalizing them.

“Well I do have to practice!” replied Arachnida. Emily crossed her arms and pouted. Something that didn’t phase Arachnida due to her inability to see it, due to only conversing with Emily via a textual medium.

“You could have done no such thing on me!” Insisted Emily, typing harder to convey her point. Emily was one with the darkness, she had used an ouija board and had tried to summon Bloody Mary by covering a mirror in tomato juice and licking it off. Such magic would not affect her or her mind.

Her mind was like a steel colander at the bottom of a river. Unsinkable.

“I have proof that says otherwise,” replied Arachnida, her evil laughter not well conveyed through a computer, but Emily could hear it in her head.

“And what proof would that be?” Asked Emily, crossing her arms and starting to type with her feet as a show of defiance.

“A certain polaroid, depicting a certain someone running around in her bra and panties,” cackled Arachnida. Emily ran into her kitchen and grabbed her tinfoil and started to wrap it around her head. While she was okay with Arachnida laughing in her head she couldn’t risk other people getting in as well.

By the time she had sealed her head and returned to the computer, Arachnida had typed a few more messages to her.

“If you’re looking for it, you won’t find it,” she had said. Emily sighed, of course, she wouldn’t find it. How does one find a picture that does not exist?

Emily started to hammer on her keyboards, the tin foil on her head rustling gently as she did. “There is no such photo! Your magic doesn’t work on me!” She insisted.

“If you want to see it, then come to the park at midnight,” came Arachnida’s response before a creaking sound signaled that she had left the chatroom.

Emily sat and stared at the blinking cursor. What had Arachnidia planned for her? What was her end goal in all of this? And could this photograph be real?

Emily shook her head. Obviously, it wasn’t real. Emily often swallowed St. John’s wart and thus was immune to manipulations of her aura. She knew this to be true.

But if she knew it, why did she want to go so badly? And if she knew she wanted to go, did she actually know it wasn’t true? And if she didn’t know that, what did she know. All she knew was that she didn’t know. Which meant she didn’t know that she knew the question she asked herself. Which was as good as not asking at all.

Emily shook her head and grabbed her long coat. The park was a sprawling mass of grass and worms only a few minutes walk from her building. However, it would be cold on a night like this due to the low temperature.

At the one side of this floral nightmare was an old decaying mansion house, complete with crypt. Emily knew Arachnidia would be there, she was always one to appreciate an atmosphere. Emily was going to go and disprove that photo.

 

Chapter 2- Ghost Of A Chance

 

Emily waved to Alexandro, the doorman, as he held the door open for her.

“Late night walk?” He asked, with interest.

“I’ve got to make something right,” replied Emily, blowing into her hands in an attempt to warm up her flesh.

“Ah, well if you are chasing up a blood debt I suggest you be careful, cold out.” Nodded Alexandro. He always gave Emily the best advice about such matters.

As she started to wander towards the park Emily pondered her situation for a while, how exactly was she going to deal with this obviously crazed girl. Could she talk Arachnidia out of her delirium? Maybe she could seduce her out?

The park was large, and a sense of foreboding hung in the trees like overcooked pasta. The wind howled and a heavy mist crept along the cold grass. Emily put her head down and walked to the decaying house, its rotted beams and falling tiles testament to how long it had lived in the park. No one knew who had built it, or why someone had constructed such a thing.

But the place was overrun with spirits, denizens of the night who rattled their chains and moaned their ghoulish howls at any mortal who tried to step foot on the property. The council had many times tried to evict them to make way for a mall, but the spirts had prevented this every time. Their legal representation being both costly and effective.

 

This is actually a reference to the TV pilot I wrote called “Legal Ghost House” I had some interest from several television executives until, in an act of pure spite, they had me arrested for trespassing on their property!

 

Emily moved closer, pushing some branches out of her way as she headed towards the crypt, her feet sinking into the mud a little with each step.

“I knew you’d come,” came a voice from behind the crypt.

“Arachnida,” sighed Emily, a cloud of breath forming in front of her.

As the woman came into the dim light of the moon Emily was able to see her for the first time. She burst into laughter. Arachnidia looked like a dork! She was middling in height and her hair was a mess. Her figure was made almost comical by a coat that seemed to be some horrific crossbreed between a gothic trenchcoat and an anorak.

 

For those curious, the “Anoroat” was something I was lined up to promote, but then I realized that being warm was not goth at all. To be goth one must endure the cold of the weather like the cold of your soul. If you lose a few fingers to frostbite, then that is the price you pay for fashion.

 

“Don’t you laugh at me,” growled Arachnidia, glaring butter knives into Emily as she walked past the cold stones of the crypt.

“What are you going to do?” Replied Emily, growing more and more confident about her situation. “Take another photo?”

“I already have the one I need,” grinned Arachnidia, lifting a polaroid from one of the many pockets that adorned her stupid coat.

“I don’t believe you,” responded Emily, only to squeak as Arachnidia threw the polaroid towards her with surprising force, like [Sportsperson] throwing a [Sportsperson thing].

As the square hit the floor Emily scrambled in the mud to pick it up. As she turned the image over she gasped. The picture was a real as the ghost that whispered to her in the night.

It showed her running around in her tinfoil bra and panties, her arms stretched out into a giant T and a dumb look stuck on her face.

“What did you make me do?!” Screamed Emily, her scream so loud that it could shake the birds from the trees. However, unluckily for Emily, she lived in a city and thus the only birds were pigeons, all of whom were too fat to get into a tree.

“You thought you were an airplane, it was pretty cute,” smiled Arachnida, adjusting her glasses as she did.

“I won’t let you get away with this!” Shouted Emily, throwing the picture into the mud before quickly grabbing it again, not wanting to risk a fine for littering. The park rangers often hid in the bushes and could smell a discarded wrapper from fifty feet.

“And what do you think you can do to stop me!” Laughed Arachnida.

“I’ll think of something! I’ll sue!” Shouted Emily in response.

“Under what grounds?” responded Arachnida smugly

“I’ll punch you!” Sighed Emily, realizing she couldn’t afford a lawyer.

“I doubt that will help,” replied Arachnida. “I have something of a secret,” she purred.

“Apart from being a pervert?!”  Hollered Emily, marching forward.

“Oh on top of being a pervert,” giggled Arachnida, licking her lips as she did. Suddenly a beam of moonlight refracted through one of the mansion’s old windows and bathed Arachnidia in the pale light of the night.

Arachnidia started to twitch and groan as her terrible coat was ripped through by eight spindly black legs, her body shifting and changing and taking on a more arachnid-like form.

Emily stood in disbelief, unable to work out what was going on with this girl. Why was she such a drama queen? Why was she happy to shred such a disgusting jacket instead of returning it to the store?

“Bask in my glory!” Shouted Arachnidia, looking down on Emily, her voice now much deeper. “For I am Werehnid!”

“Aracwolf,” coughed Emily, shaking her head gently.

“What?” Asked Arachnidia, her voice returning to normal.

“Werewolf is old English for Man-Wolf, thus Werehnid would be Man-Spider.” Explained Emily.

“Right, I get your point, it is a common misconception, but like, look at me,” smiled Arachnidia, moving her hands to show off her eight-legged body. “Does any of this look like a wolf to you?”

“Umm, no?”

“Right, so Aracwolf is wrong, I’m not part wolf, I’m part man, so Werehnid is more correct.” Said Arachnidia firmly, making Emily cower a little, fear flowing through her veins like a cheap blood substitute.

“Right, but, I mean spirit of the rule,” mumbled Emily, looking at her shoes.

 

This part is based on my attempt to pitch “Were Were  Where?” to a movie studio. It was an educational film about someone trying to locate a Werewolf in one of America’s lesser known desert towns without the aid of a map.

However, they rejected it outright, due to them not being happy about being pestered while in the shower.

 

“Anyway, my full name adds to it,” grinned Arachnidia, moving closer to Emily, who looked up with terror in her eyes.

“What do you mean, your full name?” She asked, tripping over her words slightly.

“I am Werehnidacula!” Shouted Arachnidia before laughing, thunder forking down from the sky as she did.

“So what? You’re a woman spider from Europe?” Shrugged Emily, not fully understanding what Arachnidia was going on about.

“No,” sighed Arachnidia, lowering her head down to Emily’s level. “I’m a woman, spider, vampire hybrid.” She explained before shaking her head, “why am I bothering explaining this to you?”

“Monologuing is fun!” Smiled Emily, only to jump as Arachnidia pushed her face right into Emily’s.

“So is hypnosis,” giggled Arachnidia as her eyes changed from a soft blue to a spiraling vortex of pink and black. “And I think you enjoy it,” she cooed. Emily stumbled, her whole world starting to spin as reality almost melted into those two spirals. Some primal part of her mind screamed that she should run, but she couldn’t pull her eyes away from the spiraling pattern.

She felt her whole body go limp, it was like she was sleepwalking like she was trapped in a dream she couldn’t wake up from, a lot like taking a day trip to Wales.

Her body slumped forward, her nose pressed flat against Arachnidia’s as she started to drool, her eyes growing wider and more glazed as she continued to stare into the spiraling eyes, the world falling away around her leaving nothing but numb nothingness.  

“You will obey me,” purred Arachnidia, her voice like sweet honey flowing in Emily’s brain, drowning her thoughts and leaving behind a sticky residue.

“I will obey you,” slurred Emily, swaying gently in the breeze, her eyes crossing as they continued to focus on the spirals, unable to do anything but submit to them.

“I will do whatever Arachnidia says,” added Arachnidia, sounding more confident as she did.

“I will do whatever Arachnidia says,” nodded Emily drowsily, not even bothering to question, the spirals wiping out any and all resistance.

Suddenly Arachnidia grabbed Emily firmly around the waist and pushed her against the wall of the crypt, tearing her clothing away in one quick swipe of her legs. She admired Emily’s nude body before reaching in with her fangs, biting Emily firmly on the neck as her legs circled around Emily’s crotch.

 

{Note from Harley: The next 20 pages have been cut for reasons of length and general decency}

 

 

Chapter 5- The Further Development Of The Situation Described Previously

Emily pulled herself up out of the pool of blood, her head throbbing and her eyes blurred. She was sore all over, her body riddled with puncture wounds.  

The light applause tickled Emily’s ears as she blinked. She turned and found several police officers applauding, some of whom were holding up score cards grading the sex a perfect ten across the board.

As Emily started to walk she felt her feet fall from under her as she slipped in a puddle of stray custard. As she thudded to the floor the police officers giggled, some of them blushing a little as Arachnidia took a little bow.

“Thank you, thank you!” She smiled. “What a wonderful evening! You’ve been a wonderful audience! I’m here all week, tip your waitress!” She said before laughing, nudging a man who was tied up in a web as she did.

Emily started to crawl along the floor, trying to pull herself out of the crypt, she needed to escape this spider girl or risk becoming forever part of her harem.

But in front of Emily, there was only blood and stone followed by blood and stone, followed by yet more blood and yet more stone. Also more custard. Sickly yellow custard. And more blood.

Suddenly a line of webbing tied around Emily’s legs. Emily tried to struggle but she was slowly dragged backed towards Arachnida. Emily tried to break the web but found it was stickier than old wet cement.

“And where did you think you were going?” Asked Arachnida, looking down at Emily with a smirk on her face.

“Home?” Stuttered Emily.

“But I am your home,” smiled Arachnidia, her eyes starting to spiral again, causing Emily’s eyes to change in response, her whole world starting to spin like a disc jockey on ketamine.

The world fell away again, there was only the spiral, and at that moment Emily wanted nothing more than the spiral.

 

Chapter 6- A World Torn Asunder

Emily sat in front of her SilconeFusion computer, typing away with her feet, a dumb and dopey smile on her face, the rattle of the keys echoing around the polished room.

On her desk, a phone rang. Emily reached forward and lifted the corporate beige receiver. “Arachnidia psychic hypnosis service and detective agency, how may I help you?” She drowsily cooed.

Arachnidia looked out from her office and giggled to herself, her body back to its more human form.  She put her feet up on her desk and leaned back in her chair, this was going to be great.

 

“Psychic Hospital Hypnosis Detective Service” or PHHDS was another of my pilots. However, due to a miscommunication, it was only pitched to networks in Peru.

It went through a few changes and became a soap opera about a Doctor who solves medical emergencies with medicine. The only thing about my script that remained was the shorter name, which became the name of the main character.

However, due to the negotiations falling through I never saw a penny. It also held the record for the only Peruvian soap opera to be canceled while it was on the air. In fact, it was canned during the first episode.

I don’t like to talk about it….

 

Suddenly Arachnidia heard a thud from down below. She squinted her eyes and looked around, making sure no one was looking before she pushed her chair back and lifted a hatch under her desk.

There was a set of stairs going down into the darkness, much like a spelunker who had forgotten how torches worked. As her feet echoed on the steps Arachnidia heard a familiar tapping sound growing closer and closer.

Suddenly she came out into a large room, crammed full with wooden desks and spider webs. At each desk was a wonderful, sexy, SilconFusion computer, and in front of it was a dazed girl, staring forward at her screen. Each of them typing in a chatroom. Each of them using the name Arachnidia.

“My web is coming together nicely,” cackled Arachnidia. “But what was that noise?” She said to no one before shrugging. It couldn’t be anything important, likely just rats with tunneling equipment.

Little did she know that something was rising up from the depths and in time it would come back to haunt her. And bring with it a whole new adventure.

 

I hope you enjoyed my opus, my masterwork, Diabolus Hypnotica! I think the story teaches an important life lesson that we all need to learn at some point.

Always trust doormen. They are at one with the universe and thus can sense its vibrations.

Also, never trust anyone on the internet. They might turn out to be a spider. Why else do you think they called it “The Web”?

I actually continued the story of Diabolus Hypnotica in a small series of fifty-seven books that I, unfortunately, lost when a rogue pyrokinetic maniac attacked the special safe my agent kept all my manuscripts in.

Maybe one day I will piece them all back together and share them with you all!

Until next time, sleep tight. If you can sleep that is!


Tags:

#April Fools #(sorry I’m late) #(I wavered for a while on whether to reblog this?) #(I’m not sure I’ve ever actually reblogged porn) #(*links* to porn occasionally but not porn itself) #(but then I’m not reblogging this *as* porn) #(and in the end:) #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(I especially liked ”glaring butter knives” and ”like a steel colander at the bottom of a river: unsinkable”) #(though the part that made me laugh most was) #(”like a day trip to Wales”) #long post #nsfw text #sexuality and lack thereof #rape tw #storytime

Flicker – Phone Tag

docfuture:

Previous: Prologue

Flicker – Phone Tag

    Flicker was eating lunch when her phone rang.
    She was sitting at a table in a small sandwich shop near her apartment.  She ate here more often than she did at home because the food was good, no one here looked at her funny anymore, and cooking, while theoretically a fairly trivial bit of chemistry and thermodynamics, was, as Doc often said, surprisingly tricky to get right.
    She was being very good, she thought, spending the tedious, necessary milliseconds and seconds alone here in the slow world, the messy chemical, biological, and synchronous social world, the world of growth and learning, its rhythms dictated by the endless cycles of the sun.  At least the french fries were tasty.
    The phone hadn’t finished its short chirp of a ringtone before Flicker answered.  It was her friend Stella, with a little symbol that indicated an international call.  Stella should be on her way back from a conference in Italy where she had presented a paper, and her previous week had been consumed by preparations.  Flicker was always vaguely horrified at the elaborate rituals most people endured to travel long distances.  She didn’t know how they stood it.
    Flicker knew the last day of the conference had been… unusually stressful, but wasn’t sure yet whether she wanted to tell Stella that.  People could get upset when then found out someone was checking up on them, even to try to protect them.
    “Stella?”
    “Hello, Flicker.” she said.  Her voice sounded worn out.  “Would you believe my connecting flight got delayed?  Nasty weather they didn’t want to fly through.  Looks like I’m stuck here until tomorrow morning.  The airline provided a hotel, but I’m too wired to sleep, so I’m out getting something to eat, and I thought I’d call you and share my tale of woe.”
    Flicker could hear crowd and traffic noises in the background, along with the faint regular variations in sound that indicated Stella was walking.
    “Stella, I’m sorry, that must really suck.  You sound pretty wiped.  Where are you, anyway?”
    “Oh, I’m – whuaah!”
    Flicker was in fast mode before anyone else would have fully registered what was coming from the phone.  There were a few sounds that Flicker had trained herself to recognize the start of very quickly, and one of them was an approaching vehicle horn.  Put together with a cry of alarm, that meant her friend was in immediate danger.  Stella needed help, fast.  Which normally wasn’t a problem for Flicker – she could get to anywhere on the planet in under a second if she had to.
    Except…
    Stella was in another country.  And Flicker didn’t know which one.
    T = 0
    In under a millisecond, Flicker was out of her chair, and had changed into her costume from her pack.  It was form fitting and navy blue with the functional silver tracery of the degaussing and plasma guide net.  Most importantly at the moment, the hood and visor contained a high speed interface and communications suite.  She switched it to active from standby, and had it take over the call.  Her normal cell wasn’t going to be able to cope with the speed needed, so she slid it into a shielded pocket without turning it off.  Its electronics would eventually stop spinning from the sudden changes in inertia and position.
    The cell network wasn’t going to be able to cope either, and that was more of a problem, because this phone call was Stella’s lifeline.  If she didn’t dawdle, though, she would be to Stella before the network realized anything was up.  Flicker sent an alert to HISC, the High Interaction Speed Computer, at Doc’s headquarters, that she would be visiting it in a few milliseconds and needed some important data ready.
    Flicker looked over at the door to the shop.  It was closed, nobody was going in or out.  Flicker had ambivalent feelings about doors.  Sure, they were nice and convenient for most people, and for her if she was moving slowly (hah!) or they happened to be open.  Unfortunately, they were usually closed when she needed to get to the other side in a hurry.  She couldn’t extend her inertial damping field far enough from her body to cover a whole door, and even if she could that would just mean the hinges would break instead.
    Fortunately, the shop still had cardboard up over the hole she had left in one of the glass walls last time she had to leave in a hurry.  Flicker had already paid for the replacement too, so she just zipped over to the counter and dropped off one of her ‘Hi!  I’m Flicker and I had to leave in a hurry!  Sorry for any disruption!’ stickers in front of the cashier.  Then she skimmed along the wall, poking along at only about 50,000 meters per second (m/s), making sure they was no one right on the other side of the cardboard patch.  She slowed to 10,000 m/s to go through the cardboard, leaving a hole like a cartoon character with the edges matching the extent of her damping field.  The damping and the low speed meant the pieces of cardboard acquired relatively little kinetic energy, and weren’t a threat, or even very noisy, and she turned into the street outside and accelerated.
    T = 3 milliseconds
     The most common question Flicker got asked was ‘How fast are you?’ or the equivalent ‘What’s your top speed?’.  It was a pain to answer, because the questioner didn’t usually understand special relativity.  She usually just shrugged and gave her standard answer of ‘80% of the speed of light’ rather than the truthful one of ‘Very close to the speed of light, but I don’t know exactly how close, and I did a scary amount of damage to the Moon last time I tried to find out.’
    During a Q&A session someone had once asked Flicker how fast she could go from 0 to 60.  That had struck her as a much more interesting question, and required a bit of unit conversion.  Her answer of ‘Too fast to see’ made people laugh, but they stopped when she explained that in the 30 picoseconds it would take, light would only travel about a third of an inch, and it was dangerous to stand that close to her if she was accelerating that fast, so it was literally too fast to see.
    The sandwich shop was in a suburb of Minneapolis.  Flicker zigzagged through the streets at 500,000 m/s or 500 kilometers per second (km/s), speeding up to 1000 km/s on less crowded sections.  At that speed she could still turn on a dime, and safely dodge around pedestrians in a crowded street.  They would feel and hear nothing more than a sudden gust of wind.  It was only a few kilometers to the highway she wanted, and then she could speed up again.
    T = 6 milliseconds
    Doc’s HQ was about 80 kilometers away by the highway.  Flicker liked highways.  They had long sightlines, they changed direction and elevation only gradually, and best of all, pedestrians tended to stay off of them.  The people that were on the highway were either inside protective metal boxes, or at worst had a couple of gyros to keep them stable.  She accelerated to 5000 km/s, increasing to 15,000 km/s or 0.05 c on clear straight sections.  This was fast enough that shock waves from her wake were starting to be a problem despite her damping, except there was a trick she could and did use that reduced them at the cost of leaving a trail of plasma instead.
    The vehicles she passed saw and heard something that seemed very similar to a nearby lighting strike – a sudden flash of light and boom, followed by a diminishing grumble of sound.  They were also buffeted by the shock of her passage, but she was careful to slow and pass by them as far away as possible, so it was no worse than being passed by a semi going the other way.  The two walkers she encountered got a nasty scare and ringing ears, but neither were hurt.  Then it was around the turn and up the short access road to Doc’s.
    T = 13 milliseconds
    The entrance Flicker used looked unremarkable, more like a tunnel with a drive through ATM than anything else, the entrance protected by a very minor forcefield to keep snow and animals out.  But it had been built just for her, and contained her external access to the HISC.  She started slowing down a little over a hundred meters away and four microseconds later was at rest in front of interface panel.
    The HISC frantically shoved data through her high bandwidth com to answer her previous requests.  The first answer popped up on her display, the location of the cell phone tower that Stella’s phone was currently using.  London, England, not far from Heathrow airport.  Great.  Well, London might be sprawling and congested, but at least it was near the sea.  She twiddled her fingers over the high speed magnetic keyboard, refining the overlay for the second request.
    The High Speed Pathing algorithm, which Doc jokingly called ‘Driving directions for Flicker’ was at heart quite simple.  It was just a set of satellite verified maps from wherever Flicker was to wherever she wanted to go, showing elevation changes and all obstacles.  The trick was that the satellite updates were recent, as in less than a second old, so everything that might contain a human could be treated as near constant velocity.  Which meant, after correcting for how soon Flicker would be near, effectively stationary.
    Flicker mapped out her time optimized route, and the only real question was whether to go around Scotland to the north and approach London from the east, or swing south past Ireland, make landfall near Bristol and try to go up the M4 motorway.  The second route was shorter, but Flicker looked at the congestion on M4 and decided it would be slower.  She waited one more precious millisecond for the final changes to be uploaded to her visor and she was off.
    T = 19 milliseconds
    Flicker couldn’t fly, she needed to be near mass for momentum transfer and entropy dumping, but that didn’t mean she had to stay right next to the surface when moving.  The tradeoff was less maneuverability the higher she traveled.  Now that she had a verified clear path, she could travel higher up, at five meters or so, to avoid obstacles and damaging roads, and could swing wide to avoid pedestrians.  She was quickly back up to 15,000 km/s, and now was able to chance as high as 30,000 km/s or ten percent of lightspeed, where no humans were near.
    The biggest frustration Flicker had when trying to move really fast was the air.  It kept getting in the way, and moving it out of the way inevitably added energy.  Her ability to damp inertia near her body let air flow around her much faster than normal, but there was limits to how well that worked, and she was now starting to push them.
    At 0.1 c, Flicker appeared like a horizontal lightning bolt, or a meteor brought to earth, unaccountably moving a thousand times as fast without causing any additional damage.  She was now leaving a substantial shockwave, enough to knock over cars and break windows, as well as a kilometers long tail of plasma, enough to melt the snow and flash some of it to steam.  Roads became less useful, as she had to swing wide or slow down for all vehicles.  She traveled this way for about two hundred fifty kilometers, mostly north, before jumping in a glowing arc to meet the surface of Lake Superior just outside Duluth.
    T = 31 milliseconds
    Out on the surface of the lake, the nearest humans well identified and far away, Flicker accelerated again up to 0.2 c.  Now her shockwave was lethal for anything near and above the water surface, and the plasma would have set anything flammable alight, but she was over water, so there was nothing.  No trees, no roads, no houses, no vehicles, nothing man made except for a few boats she could avoid by kilometers.  She considered going faster but decided to wait, because it was less than than six hundred kilometers before she hit land again in Ontario.
    T = 41 milliseconds
    Back to 0.1 c or so on land, and Flicker chafed with impatience as she went north, but there were still occasional roads and power lines to cross, as well as a lot of trees.  She was on good terms with the Canadians, and wanted to stay that way.  She planned and thought of her route ahead as she approached water again, the southernmost part of James Bay.
    T = 60 milliseconds
    Finally, water ahead – salt water.  Hudson Bay in winter had very little traffic, even the parts not covered by ice.  There was a choice here.  She had a clear path, free of people and at least 20 km wide for most of it, and over 6000 km to go over salt water.  At 0.2 c that would take 100 milliseconds, at 0.4 c it would take 50 milliseconds.  If the vehicle approaching Stella was traveling at 20 meters per second, that was a meter every 50 milliseconds.  Flicker didn’t know how many meters Stella had left before it hit her, but it wasn’t many.
    At the speed she was thinking now, Flicker was very far from her emotions, which relied on slow chemistry.  But she could remember them just fine, and evaluate based on them.  She remembered the years she had known Stella, how they had become best friends, her dry humor, her odd moments of vulnerability, her weary voice over the phone, with the hint of relief at being able to talk.  But it didn’t really matter.  Flicker had made this choice already.
    She set her plasma net to full regenerative shielding, and shut down most of her electronics.  She adjusted the polarization on her visor and extended her damping field as far ahead of her eyes as she could in a wedge.  Some people were going to be mad, and some fish and birds were going to die.  Oh well.  Stella wasn’t going to die today, not if Flicker could help it.  Flicker leveled out five meters above the surface of James Bay and started accelerating flat out, at ten billion G’s.  It was time to go fast.
    T = 63 milliseconds
    There is type of device used by military engineers called a line charge.  It is a long series of small explosive charges in a line or tube, that are set off all at once to clear a path through minefield in a hurry.  By the time Flicker emerged from the mouth of James Bay, traveling north at 240,000 km/sec, 0.8 c or eighty percent of the speed of light, the path behind her looked like someone had set off a line charge made out of nukes.
    At the tip of a narrow arrow of shockwave and plasma that stretched all the way back to shore behind her, Flicker glowed like a star.  Turning everything within 30 meters to plasma, leaving behind a continuous windbreak of mushroom cloud trees, she sped north, devouring two hundred and forty kilometers of distance along her path every millisecond.  For a long distance from the human free safety zone on either side of her path, anyone looking the right direction saw the entire horizon erupt in fire at once, while any radio communications were blanketed in static.  The few who witnessed the line of plasma as it slowly grew skyward in her wake could be forgiven for thinking they were seeing the end of the world.
    As she passed the Belcher Islands, Cape Smith and Mansel Island, before turning east in a graceful curve into the Hudson Strait, monitor satellites began screaming that nuclear weapons were going off.  The radiation profile wasn’t right, but the thermal output sure was, and what else could possibly do that?  Long seconds after Flicker was gone, the humans alerted by the robotic vigilance were left to wonder why anyone would want to nuke Hudson Bay.
    In the Labrador Sea just southeast of Greenland, a Russian icebreaker just nine kilometers from the nearest part of Flicker’s path was crewed by the closest people to the whole line of fire.  Several of the crew watching it panicked, before the swearing officers drove them to prepare for heavy waves, and the captain turned the helm away, to catch them on the stern.  One old geophysicist, who had heard a few wild stories from his more conventional physics colleagues, realized what he was seeing and laughed.  He told the rest of the crew, all who would listen, to prepare, certainly, but not to worry, that they were lucky even.  Because that was Flicker, nothing else was that fast, and Flicker wouldn’t kill them.  Most thought he was crazy, so he made bets.  He didn’t pay for a drink for months after that, but the losers didn’t mind too much – they were glad he was right, after all.
    After rounding the southern tip of Greenland in another smooth curve, Flicker aimed nearly due east, and tore across the rest of the North Atlantic in a straight line, still leaving a trail of heavy waves and rising plasma clouds over the open ocean as the sun plummeted towards the horizon behind her.  She curved south between the Shetland and Orkney Islands into the North Sea, where, approaching the narrowing gap between England and the Netherlands, Flicker was finally forced to slow down.  She had covered just over six thousand kilometers, fifteen percent of the circumference of the earth if it had been in a straight line, in twenty five milliseconds.  She had left a path behind her that looked, from orbit, like a god had started a globe spinning, then slashed across it with a narrow pen of fire.  But it was a merciful god, and careful.  Not a single person was hurt.
    T = 88 milliseconds
    Flicker dropped her velocity to 0.4 c for the rest of the North Sea with its more crowded traffic, then to 0.2 c for the Thames Estuary, entropy dumping hard all the way to cool down, and finally 0.1 c for the Thames itself, dropping to 0.05c or 15,000 km/sec when she had to pass close by boats.  She stayed on the river as long as possible, putting up with the meandering path because the lack of pedestrians let her maintain a higher speed, before finally jumping to land near Brentford.  She also turned off plasma regeneration and turned her electronics back on.
    T = 94 milliseconds
    Flicker slowed down again to 2000 km/sec for the last few kilometers to the area covered by the target cell phone tower, then 1000 km/sec as she started her search pattern, and slowed almost to a stop briefly at intersections, to look around and give her com a microsecond or two to try to pick up Stella’s phone signal by direct line of sight.  She weaved in and out down the streets, dodging cars, trucks, buses, taxis, SUVs, a few scooters, and pedestrians crossing at every other intersection.  She had just passed two cars and rounded a bus to stop at the next intersection when her signal alert flashed.
    T = 116 milliseconds
    Flicker looked forward, then left and right, but didn’t see Stella.  Was she mostly behind something?  Finally Flicker checked back the way she had just come and saw her, angled backward, right in front of the bus Flicker had just passed.  She moved over, leaving a bare swirl of air behind her at 500 km/sec, then stopped with her mind still going full speed, to study the tableau.
    She was in time.  If her lungs and emotions hadn’t both been frozen, stuck in slow time, Flicker would have breathed a great sigh of released tension.  She hadn’t come all this way just to try to get Stella to the hospital with already inflicted injuries, or worse, ones Flicker couldn’t stop.
    Flicker reconstructed the scene.  Stella must have approached the intersection striding quickly, hunched slightly against the falling sleet, cell phone pressed against her ear, tired, stressed and distracted.  She had looked left to check traffic before stepping off the curb – but that was the wrong way, because this was England.  A bus had been coming from the other direction.  Stella had heard either the bus or it’s horn, but too late, and her foot had slipped when she tried to step back up onto the curb.  She was turning left, away from the bus, starting a martial arts fall, which was good; that meant she was less likely to get hurt by the sudden acceleration Flicker was going to have to use to get her out of the way of the bus in time.
    Flicker looked over at the bus.  The front was about a meter away from Stella, and was not noticeably lower than the back, so the bus hadn’t had time to brake much, if at all.  Flicker moved to the driver’s side and looked through the window at the speedometer.  Just over 50 kilometers per hour – call it 15 meters per second, or about 66 milliseconds from Stella.  Actually, it was little longer if she accelerated directly away from the bus, because that would allow more time – but going sideways would get her out of the way quicker.  Decisions, decisions.
      It would take 23 G’s average acceleration to match velocities with the bus in 66 milliseconds – not pleasant, but survivable.  The tricky part was imparting it.  Flicker couldn’t just catch Stella in her arms and pull her out of the way – her damping aura couldn’t fully cover another person, and being partly in and partly out would be worse than getting hit by the bus.  If Flicker turned her damping off for the catch, it wouldn’t be any better for Stella than hitting another person at close to the speed of the bus.  Flicker could try using her catching tarp, but that worked better when she had more time and space.
    No, it was time for Flicker to use her favorite material for imparting velocity to fragile things – air.  With her damping field pulled back to the edges of her costume, she could scoop and move air with her hands and body.  With effort and the expertise from long practice, she could sculpt temporary curtains, cushions and trampolines.  She could even make a giant air cannon without the cannon – and did, with Stella as the payload.

    Long milliseconds of careful work later, Stella was starting to be pushed up and away from the bus, which was being slowed slightly, but not enough to hurt its passengers.  Flicker took a little more time to smooth out all the rough edges of shock waves she could and equalize pressures a little in the surrounding area where she had scooped the air from.
    T = 150 milliseconds
    Finally everything was ready.  Flicker stood waiting with the tarp in the right spot, and let the world speed back up almost all the way.  She could now hear the echoes of the initial boom and the roar of stabilizing air pressure from all directions, as well as the horn from the still moving bus.  Stella was propelled ahead and to the side of the bus, back up onto the sidewalk, and Flicker caught her, still upright, with the tarp, smoothly sliding backwards to decelerate.

    T = 3 seconds
    As the bus passed by on the street, Flicker felt her own emotions try to catch up with events, and a flood of fear that had started back in the sandwich shop warred with a sense of relief, and a fierce, protective satisfaction.  Flicker’s costume was still crackling and sparking in the twilight as the remaining excess charges dissipated and the last of the plasma dispersed, but the tarp would protect Stella.  In a moment, Flicker would have to check for injuries and deal with the aftermath, but her best friend was alive, and safe, and that was enough for now.

Next: Life Saver


Tags:

#storytime #long post #…oh god this is beautiful #oh god I have so many other things to read #and so many non-reading things to do #oh god #(I looked at the blog and apparently this is part of a novel which is part of a series) #this doesn’t really belong in medium-term to-read* but I’ll leave it there for now until I decide how best to place it in long-term storage #*”medium-term to-read”: longer than a week shorter than a year (roughly)

The 1969 Easter Mass Incident

littlepinkbeast:

jumpingjacktrash:

tatterdemalionamberite:

gallusrostromegalus:

Content Warnings: Religion, food, symbolic cannibalism, symbolic gore, penis mention, Blasphemy, SO MUCH BLASPHEMY, weapons, war mention.  Mind the warnings and your health always comes first. Its a HILARIOUS story, I promise.

As always, all the names have been changed to protect people’s identities.  This is a long one, so Press J now if you want to skip it.


When my dad was a young man and still a practicing catholic, he participated in a small church communion that nearly got him and six other people excommunicated.

Father Patrick ran a small church outside of California Polytechnical and tended to be… rather more liberal in his interpretations of scripture than most of the church was, which made him something of a hit with the local students and liberally-inclined populace.  Pat went to all manner of civil demonstrations, condemned the shit out of the vietnam war and the politics that lead to it and so on.  In January of 1969 a series of incidents lead him to start exploring “nontraditional” means of holding Mass as a means of reaching out to his community and exploring his own faith, which ultimately culminated in the 1969 Easter Mass Incident.

For those of you who weren’t raised catholic, Communion is this ritual where you become one with Jesus by eating a really horrible bland wafer cookie and taking a shot of wine (called hosts), which then *literally* become the flesh and blood of jesus in your mouth, allowing him to become one with you.  It’s big McFucking deal, and you have the opportunity to take communion at every mass.  All this had to be explained to me second-hand because after this and Dad’s 51 days in the army, Dad decided he wouldn’t inflict religion on any children he might have in the future.

*

“Hey dad,” Six-year old me asked the first time he told me this story after my practicing friends were talking about getting wine at church. “Isn’t that cannibalism?”

“We’re getting to that.”  He waved.

*

The First Incident in January when, due to a serious cock-up by the church, all the hosts Father Pat received were moldering and spoiled and probably would have killed someone if he’d actually fed anyone them.  But it was the first mass of the year, when a peak number of people came in after vowing to got to church more for new year’s.  He couldn’t NOT have communion.

“I’ll bake.” offered Maria, the parish secretary and probably the best baker in the county. “So we have hosts.  Jesus will understand.”

Father Patrick, not one to pass up the chance at Maria’s cooking, immediately agreed.

A Host is supposed to be composed solely of unleavened wheat flour and water, which is why they taste terrible.  It’s a theological point of some importance relating to Exodus or something but Maria had an important theological counterpoint: Jesus both divine and loves all his children, ergo, Jesus would neither be a nasty bland cracker nor want his children to suffer as such and so instead, she made Mexican wedding cookies.

They were a SPECTACULAR hit.  Many praises were heaped upon father patrick for the Much Better Wafers and that they’d be sure to show up next week as long as Maria kept making them.  Father Patrick figuring that hey, anything that gets people in the doors is good and really, if it was turning into Jesus once inside the parishioner, did it really matter what the wafers were made of?  So he continued to let Maria bake the Hosts, and encouraged her to try out new flavors, like nutmeg and cinnamon.

This went on swimmingly for a few weeks until The Bishop showed up for a surprise visit the same week Maria decided to experiment with rainbow sprinkles.

Dad remembers hearing the bishop through the windows roaring “THE HOLY BODY OF CHRIST DOES! NOT! CONTAIN! RAINBOW! SPRINKLES!”

The matter went clean up to The Archbishop, who decided that while Pat was probably right to not feed spoiled hosts to his parish, he should attend some remedial classes to remember what Communion was all about, so that if it happened again, he’s come up with a more suitable substitute.

Father Patrick returned in late March, full of spite and some fascinating new ideas.

*

“Is this where the Cannibalism happens?” Six-year-old me asked, eager to get to the good parts.

*

At his remedial classes, the teacher had stressed the importance of transubstantiation, aka “That bit where the wafer and wine, Actually, Literally, become the flesh of Jesus Christ and we expect you to swallow.”  Also on the syllabus was understanding the importance of Christ’s suffering and sacrifice.

“So, I was thinking about Easter Service.”  Said father Patrick one afternoon while dad was doing his computer science homework at the church because his dorm was a barely-standing fire hazard and the library was where you went to have sex.

“Well, we do re-enactments for christmas.  Why not on easter?  Why not re-enact the crucifixion of Christ right here? Make it real for everyone.  Trauma’s great for bonding a community together.”

“Who’s playing Jesus?” asked Maria, always one for a good laugh.

“That’s the thing- A Host, it doesn’t look much like flesh, right?  Doesn’t look like much of anything, really.  Not great for reinforcing one’s belief.

What if, instead, we- and I mean you, Maria, I can’t cook to save my life- make a man-sized loaf of bread, maybe in the shape of a T, and we have some of the boys dress up as romans and whip the bread and we pour the wine on so it’s bleeding and them- then we make a big wooden cross and actually nail the bread to it with, I don’t know, railroad spikes, more wine all over. And we raise the cross, all while telling the story of the crucifixion.”

He paused to take a drink, Maria slowly crumpling onto the floor in horrified laughter and Dad now thoroughly distracted from his homework.

“Then we lower the cross, and invite everyone who wants to take communion up to tear a hunk of Jesus off.  Just descend into his corpse like vultures.  I think that’d really be a good bonding experience for the church.”  he nodded thoughtfully.  “The hard, part, I suppose, will be finding enough romans.”

“I WANNA BE LONGINUS.” bellowed my father, barreling into the room.

And so, the plan was hatched.  Dad hit up every other guy in the Church and eventually rounded up four more romans, three of them from the Education Department of Cal Poly, and one guy from Chemistry, who just liked to watch things burn.

This, being a play, naturally meant that there was a rehearsal, and test Bread jesus.  Maria had decided that if they were going to start being extra-literal, she needed to make the most lifelike Bread jesus possible, and made a distressingly buff and human-proportioned Jesus by Advanced bread-braiding, complete with plaited hair, quail’s-egg-and-raisin eyes, bready muscle groups, and an eight-pack because why not make the lord completely shredded?*  She also made the important theological decision that since Jesus loves everyone and was happy to die in spite of all his suffering, he should be smiling, and had a toothy corn-kernel smile.  He was Wonderful and Terrifying all at once.

“Maria,” asked Father Patrick after a few minutes of delighted and horrified cooing over Jesus’ toothy grin and abdominals. “Why is he wearing a tea-towel?

“Well, he’s the Son of God. A Man.  With all that entails.”  She said, pointedly staring at Father Patrick while everyone stared at the suspiciously lumpy tea-towel.  “And he might have… burnt, slightly.”

Everyone nodded and agreed that the tea-towel was the best course of action.  The rehearsal goes splendidly and everyone agrees that this is the most delicious Jesus they’ve ever had.

*

Easter Sunday arrives and the Church is PACKED, from the more lapsed Catholics showing up for a high holiday, parents visiting for spring break and a whole horde of newcomers who had gotten wind that something was up and they ought to come.

Dad is a lanky as hell 21-year old composed mostly of technical jargon and acne but he is STOKED to be playing Longinus, the roman that speared Jesus on the cross, because he gets to do the BEST technical effect in the whole parade.  Since he came in at the end me missed a good portion of the sermon, but did hear the “oooh” from the crowd as the massive cross was dragged in by the other Romans, followed by horrified gasps and high screams and a discernible “What the FUCK” as they brought in Bread Jesus 2.0, whipping him enthusiastically, and hammering him into the cross, the sound of wine splashing onto the floor loud in the terrified silence of that Parishioners.

Finally Father Patrick gets to the part about Longinus, and Dad comes sprinting down the aisle as hard as he can, because in order for Bread Jesus to be seen by everyone, his middle had to be about 10 feet off the ground, so Dad had to run, shrieking latin curses,  down the length of the church, with a big honking spear and take a flying leap at Jesus in order to spear him in the gut.

Please take moment to imagine you are some normal god-fearing catholic who has decided to visit little bobby or maybe patricia at college and you’re all going to church together like a nice family and this Fucking madman has decided to go all Silence of the Lambs on mass and now there’s some sort of underfed translucently pale man in ill-fitting Roman armor and cape flying at a horrifying glutinous effigy of your lord and savior, with an actual fucking spear, screaming like a madman.  Don’t you feel yourself drawing closer to God already? Defensively, perhaps, like an octopus trying to ooze itself into a crevice against the horrors of the ocean.

However, two things happen that were not planned on

1. Dad misses.  In his defense, Bread Jesus is close to but not quite the size of a man- more like the size of a doughy teenager, and his middle is a small target 10 feet up in the air and dad is has a computer science minor, not an athletics scholarship.  He misses by about 8 inches and instead very solidly stabs Bread Jesus right through the groin, leaving a big hole in Maria’s tea-towel and the spear jutting out at a decidedly… attentive angle, as Bread Jesus’s Bread Dick drops to the floor with a splat.  Nobody notices this, however because

2. In rehearsal, Dad had managed to get the spear right in jesus’s navel but neither Father Patrick nor the other romans could get the wine up there to make his middle appropriately bloodied.  

Maria come up with the Genius solution that since wine is made of grapes and Jam is made of grapes, she could make a jelly-filled Jesus for Dad to stab.  There was a normal-sized test loaf and when dad stabbed it on the table, it had a nicely gooey dribbling effect.

However, this time the loaf was torso-sized, still hot from the oven and upright, so when dad speared the very end of the loaf, all the steam-pressured jam had collected at the bottom and a spray of lukewarm smuckers exploded out from bread jesus, turning the first three pews into a splash zone of symbolic entrails.

There was  a hot, sticky minute of complete silence in the church after that. 

Then, Father Patrick indicated it was time for the cross to be lowered, and continued on with the normal preparations of the Host, he himself covered in hot smuckers, as though nothing particularly ordinary was occuring, quietly kicking the bread-dick under the altar. At the end of it all, Father Patrick and invited everyone up with the Last Oration:

“Thou, O God, has kindly allowed us to have a part in this Holy Sacrifice; for this we give Thee thanks. Accept it now to Thy glory and be ever mindful of our weakness. Amen.”

…And everybody came up, shuffling like terrified zombies, pinching off tiny bits at first but then the madness took them and they began tearing apart bread jesus by the handful, weeping as they partook, scattered prayers and begging for forgiveness.  The whole congregation was kneeling about the altar, tearful and united in their guilt and their need for God.

*

“IS CHURCH ALWAYS LIKE THAT?” six-year-old me asked, absolutely stoked.  I’d convert on the spot if I got a show like that.

“No, it’s normally bland wafers and lots of chanting in latin.”

“Well that’s boring as hell.” I remember muttering and Dad snorting the coffee he was drinking out of his nose.

*

As people filed silently out of the Church to a gloriously sunny California afternoon, faces wan and smeared with wine and jam, Father patrick turned to Maria and asked “You don’t think that was too much, do you?”

“No.”  Said Maria with a sarcastic deadpan so intense it was hard to tell from sincerity.

It was the exact same tone she used when the Archbishop and Six other high clergy showed up, clutching a letter someone had written, Livid and almost foaming at the mouth, demanding to know if such blasphemy had transpired.

“No.  That’s crazy.”  She said, staring down the archbishop like he was an idiot.

“Such imaginations some people have!” Said Father Patrick, much less convincingly.

“And you-  you didn’t…  Spear an effigy of our lord and savior?”  the archbishop demanded of my father.

“Do I look like I can jump that high?”  Dad asked, having in the interim been drafted for 51 days then nearly died of pneumonia from it, and therefore no longer afraid of the Church, the Law or God.

Somewhat relieved that he’d only received the extremely detailed ramblings of a doddering parishioner, the Archbishop sat down and complemented Maria on her most excellent Mexican Wedding Cookies, may he please have another plate for his nerves? Perhaps the ones with sprinkles?

Dad went on to help build the internet, Father Patrick converted to Buddhism and Maria became a Nun.

*For those of you wondering, Jesus was made of Challah.


If you got a laugh out of this, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Paypal, as telling stories on the internet is my only source of income right now.  Thank you very much and I hope you enjoyed it!

@caladri @titianarchivist @chlorinetrifluoride 

quite honestly, i think jesus would’ve approved of their enthusiasm.

religion: ur doin it rite.


Tags:

#Christianity #storytime #long post #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Easter

radioactivepeasant:

On the topic of humans being everyone’s favorite Intergalactic versions  of Gonzo the Great:
Come on you guys, I’ve seen all the hilarious additions to my “humans are the friendly ones” post. We’re basically Steve Irwin meets Gonzo from the Muppets at this point. I love it. 

But what if certain species of aliens have Rules for dealing with humans?

  • Don’t eat their food. If human food passes your lips/beak/membrane/other way of ingesting nutrients, you will never be satisfied with your ration bars again.
  • Don’t tell them your name. Humans can find you again once they know your name and this can be either life-saving or the absolute worst thing that could happen to you, depending on whether or not they favor you. Better to be on the safe side.
  • Winning a human’s favor will ensure that a great deal of luck is on your side, but if you anger them, they are wholly capable of wiping out everything you ever cared about. Do not anger them.
  • If you must anger them, carry a cage of X’arvizian bloodflies with you, for they resemble Earth mo-skee-toes and the human will avoid them.
    • This does not always work. Have a last will and testament ready.
  • Do not let them take you anywhere on your planet that you cannot fly a ship from. Beings who are spirited away to the human kingdom of Aria Fiv-Ti Won rarely return, and those that do are never quite the same.

Basically, humans are like the Fair Folk to some aliens and half of them are scared to death and the others are like alien teenagers who are like “I dare you to ask a human to take you to Earth”.

 

dalekteaservice:

We knew about the planet called Earth for centuries before we made contact with its indigenous species, of course. We spent decades studying them from afar.

The first researchers had to fight for years to even get a grant, of course. They kept getting laughed out of the halls. A T-Class Death World that had not only produced sapient life, but a Stage Two civilization? It was a joke, obviously. It had to be a joke.

And then it wasn’t. And we all stopped laughing. Instead, we got very, very nervous. 

We watched as the human civilizations not only survived, but grew, and thrived, and invented things that we had never even conceived of. Terrible things, weapons of war, implements of destruction as brutal and powerful as one would imagine a death world’s children to be. In the space of less than two thousand years, they had already produced implements of mass death that would have horrified the most callous dictators in the long, dark history of the galaxy. 

Already, the children of Earth were the most terrifying creatures in the galaxy. They became the stuff of horror stories, nightly warnings told to children; huge, hulking, brutish things, that hacked and slashed and stabbed and shot and burned and survived, that built monstrous metal things that rumbled across the landscape and blasted buildings to ruin.

All that preserved us was their lack of space flight. In their obsession with murdering one another, the humans had locked themselves into a rigid framework of physics that thankfully omitted the equations necessary to achieve interstellar travel. 

They became our bogeymen. Locked away in their prison planet, surrounded by a cordon of non-interference, prevented from ravaging the galaxy only by their own insatiable need to kill one another. Gruesome and terrible, yes – but at least we were safe.

Or so we thought.

The cities were called Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In the moment of their destruction, the humans unlocked a destructive force greater than any of us could ever have believed possible. It was at that moment that those of us who studied their technology knew their escape to be inevitable, and that no force in the universe could have hoped to stand against them.

The first human spacecraft were… exactly what we should have expected them to be. There were no elegant solar wings, no sleek, silvered hulls plying the ocean of stars. They did not soar on the stellar currents. They did not even register their existence. Humanity flew in the only way it could: on all-consuming pillars of fire, pounding space itself into submission with explosion after explosion. Their ships were crude, ugly, bulky things, huge slabs of metal welded together, built to withstand the inconceivable forces necessary to propel themselves into space through violence alone.

It was almost comical. The huge, dumb brutes simply strapped an explosive to their backs and let it throw them off of the planet. 

We would have laughed, if it hadn’t terrified us.

Humanity, at long last, was awake.

It was a slow process. It took them nearly a hundred years to reach their nearest planetary neighbor; a hundred more to conquer the rest of their solar system. The process of refining their explosive propulsion systems – now powered by the same force that had melted their cities into glass less than a thousand years before – was slow and haphazard. But it worked. Year by year, they inched outward, conquering and subduing world after world that we had deemed unfit for habitation. They burrowed into moons, built orbital colonies around gas giants, even crafted habitats that drifted in the hearts of blazing nebulas. They never stopped. Never slowed.

The no-contact cordon was generous, and was extended by the day. As human colonies pushed farther and farther outward, we retreated, gave them the space that they wanted in a desperate attempt at… stalling for time, perhaps. Or some sort of appeasement. Or sheer, abject terror. Debates were held daily, arguing about whether or not first contact should be initiated, and how, and by whom, and with what failsafes. No agreement was ever reached.

We were comically unprepared for the humans to initiate contact themselves.

It was almost an accident. The humans had achieved another breakthrough in propulsion physics, and took an unexpected leap of several hundred light years, coming into orbit around an inhabited world.

What ensued was the diplomatic equivalent of everyone staring awkwardly at one another for a few moments, and then turning around and walking slowly out of the room.

The human ship leapt away after some thirty minutes without initiating any sort of formal communications, but we knew that we had been discovered, and the message of our existence was being carried back to Terra. 

The situation in the senate could only be described as “absolute, incoherent panic”. They had discovered us before our preparations were complete. What would they want? What demands would they make? What hope did we have against them if they chose to wage war against us and claim the galaxy for themselves? The most meager of human ships was beyond our capacity to engage militarily; even unarmed transport vessels were so thickly armored as to be functionally indestructible to our weapons.

We waited, every day, certain that we were on the brink of war. We hunkered in our homes, and stared.

Across the darkness of space, humanity stared back.

There were other instances of contact. Human ships – armed, now – entering colonized space for a few scant moments, and then leaving upon finding our meager defensive batteries pointed in their direction. They never initiated communications. We were too frightened to.

A few weeks later, the humans discovered Alphari-296.

It was a border world. A new colony, on an ocean planet that was proving to be less hospitable than initially thought. Its military garrison was pitifully small to begin with. We had been trying desperately to shore it up, afraid that the humans might sense weakness and attack, but things were made complicated by the disease – the medical staff of the colonies were unable to devise a cure, or even a treatment, and what pitifully small population remained on the planet were slowly vomiting themselves to death.

When the human fleet arrived in orbit, the rest of the galaxy wrote Alphari-296 off as lost.

I was there, on the surface, when the great gray ships came screaming down from the sky. Crude, inelegant things, all jagged metal and sharp edges, barely holding together. I sat there, on the balcony of the clinic full of patients that I did not have the resources or the expertise to help, and looked up with the blank, empty, numb stare of one who is certain that they are about to die.

I remember the symbols emblazoned on the sides of each ship, glaring in the sun as the ships landed inelegantly on the spaceport landing pads that had never been designed for anything so large. It was the same symbol that was painted on the helmets of every human that strode out of the ships, carrying huge black cases, their faces obscured by dark visors. It was the first flag that humans ever carried into our worlds.

It was a crude image of a human figure, rendered in simple, straight lines, with a dot for the head. It was painted in white, over a red cross.

The first human to approach me was a female, though I did not learn this until much later – it was impossible to ascertain gender through the bulky suit and the mask. But she strode up the stairs onto the balcony, carrying that black case that was nearly the size of my entire body, and paused as I stared blankly up at her. I was vaguely aware that I was witnessing history, and quite certain that I would not live to tell of it.

Then, to my amazement, she said, in halting, uncertain words, “You are the head doctor?”

I nodded.

The visor cleared. The human bared its teeth at me. I learned later that this was a “grin”, an expression of friendship and happiness among their species. 

“We are The Doctors Without Borders,” she said, speaking slowly and carefully. “We are here to help.”

 

flicker-serthes:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

thephilosophersapprentice:

THE ENDING

*cries with joy*

 

piscine-unrelated:

@figmentforms


Tags:

#long post #storytime #aliens #death tw #illness tw #I feel like this probably deserves some additional warning tag but I’m not sure what