itsbenedict:

Farnham: So, I’ve decided to work on a side project

Farnham: And I’ve got it, like, deeply conceptualized

Farnham: Which I usually don’t

Farnham: So I figured I’d run it by you

Farnham: See what you think of the premise

Benedict: ?

Farnham: Okay, so we open on this alternative medical company.

Farnham: Scarborough Fair Pharmaceuticals — specializing in herbal medicine a step removed from homeopathy

Farnham: And they release a drug that, they claim, allows one to instinctively understand cryptic speech, mysticism, etc.

Farnham: Like, not just in the sense some people use, where you’re in the right mindframe and get suggestible and your brain comes up with whatever it wants

Farnham: As in, you actually gain the ability to instinctively parse gurus, and come out with what they /meant/ instead of whatever they /said/

Farnham: Of course, no one believes them; that’d be a ridiculous claim from almost any corporation, let alone a little alternative outlet

Farnham: So they decide to publicly perform a study

Farnham: They dose up an experimental group and a control and send them, independently, to the lectures of Dr. Lee Kendricks

Farnham: And this guy is basically my Dr. Gene Ray, btw

Benedict: uh oh

Farnham: Dr. Lee’s been giving lectures for years, and everyone on the internet is basically convinced that he’s spouting the same old Christian conspiracy material, Templars Freemasons the Devil etc. etc.

Farnham: They send in these groups, and the control submits reports on what they think he said — fractured, without consensus, etc. etc.

Farnham: The experimental group all produce, independently, nearly identical reports on his claims

Farnham: They all report his claims thus: pink appears on the color wheel as between red and purple, but the spectrum of light doesn’t seem to support that, right?

Farnham: Dr. Lee Kendricks says that this is because pink — especially certain shades of pink — are intrusions into reality

Farnham: That is, they are the color of time itself, showing through otherwise mundane light

Farnham: (Taking inspiration from Philip K. Dick’s VALIS there)

Farnham: And he claims that great works of art, ones that seem timeless, are /actually/ timeless — that they’re inspired via the light by the presence of pink images of that art in the future

Farnham: So all timeless great art is acausal

Farnham: and the first instance, he says — not that that’s super consistent with the timeless thing, but you know, guru — the first instance of this phenomenon was the Pieta

Farnham: And as a result, time has essentially been transmuted into copies of the Pieta

Benedict: i’m getting suspicious

Farnham: The medium through which time works uses endless images of the Virgin Mary as a medium

Farnham: I’m sort of trying for an EVA feel

Farnham: Although I know I do that all too often

Farnham: Y’know, religious concepts slightly misapplied

Farnham: For ridiculous Gnostic coolness

Farnham: And so, Dr. Lee Kendricks comes out and verifies the whole thing — yes, these are his exact claims

Farnham: And zero people expected this — like, this drug Scarborough Fair Pharma has released is essentialy telepathy

Farnham: *essentially

Farnham: induced psychic powers via alternative medicine

Farnham: of course, no one quite considers Dr. Kendricks’s claims as viable in any way, but they’re shocked that they could parse Time Cube-equivalent so perfectly

Farnham: So Scarborough Fair Pharmaceuticals gets caught up in this marketing blitz

Farnham: And they’re still slightly stunned about being proven right (or close enough) in a scientific way

Farnham: So they rewrite the slogan to be about the success of the test:

Farnham: “Parse Lee, sage, ’bout rose Marian time!”

Benedict: i fuckin’

Benedict: god damn it

Benedict: i got suspicious too late

Farnham: Scarborough Fair Pharmaceuticals

Farnham: sounds just legitimate enough

Farnham: only to factor into the pun!

Farnham: !!!

Benedict: wait wh

Benedict: oh god damn it, i forgot that was in the

Benedict: if i’d remembered the lyrics i would have worried a lot earlier

Farnham: get dunked on

Benedict: oh fUCK ME AND THEY’RE HERBAL ALTERNATIVE-

Benedict: FRIGGIN

Farnham: LAYERS, NERD

Farnham: LAYERS

Benedict: it’s all ogre for me

Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #oh my god #puns