some classics valentine’s day poems

teashoesandhair:

thoodleoo:

Achilles

roses are red

wine-dark is the sea

my boyfriend is dead

time for a killing spree

Oedipus

roses are red

a hue like no other

you know, valentine,

you’re just like my mother?

Catullus

my girl’s eyes are swollen

her sparrow is dead

but is that just a metaphor

for my dick instead?

Cato

roses are red

space is black like a void

who cares about love

Carthage must be destroyed

Poseidon

Roses are red

like bitter regret 

I’m god of the ocean 

let me make you wet ;)

Odysseus

My wife is at home

but babe, let’s forget her; 

I’ll show you a good time

‘cause Nobody’s better

Athena 

Roses are red

violets are red 

everything is red 

I love war

Apollo

Roses are red

but I haven’t got any

all of my lovers

have turned into botany

Prometheus

I’ve bought you some roses

‘cause babe, I’m a giver

say you’ll be mine

I’ll really de-liver

Zeus

Roses are red

violets are blue

shit, Hera’s coming – 


Tags:

#mythology #poetry #Happy Valentine’s Day from an aromantic asexual #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER 2 ANNOUNCED

slatestarscratchpad:

slatestarscratchpad:

bowtochris:

dongstomper:

THE ALBATROSS IS BACK………. AND HES FUCKING PISSED

<3 RotAM

The sky turned black, the sea turned black
The moon was lost in mist
The goddamn albatross was back
And he was fucking pissed.

“I asked ‘How are you hale and well?
And from the sky descending?”
Said it: ‘I am a shade from Hell
And come in search of vengeance.’

And then it raised a ghostly wing
The sky was lost in shadow
And from the sea, all glistening
Rose a goddamn sharknado.”

The Wedding-Guest, he rolled his eyes
So strange a tale to hear
But still spoke on that ancient man
The wild Mariner:

“I ran like heck across the deck
But the sharks were many and fast
I tripped and fell into the sea
And there I breathed my last.”

“Hold on now,” said the Wedding-Guest
Amidst the festive cheer
“If perished ye upon that sea
How came you to be here?

How came you to be here with me?
O, answer that, I ask!”
The Mariner removed his face
As if it were a mask

Inside there was an Albatross
It gave an awful shriek
It slammed into the Wedding-Guest
And slew him with its beak.

Farewell, farewell, but this I tell
I tell it to thee plain
Do not fuck with an albatross
Those fuckers are insane.


Tags:

#poetry #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #death tw

queenshulamit asked: Socks

davidsevera:

They were his secret pleasure, his dangerous joy, and he kept them buried deep where no one would ever look. The long, multicolored socks he would slip into in the loneliest hours when no one was likely to come knocking on his apartment door. Jason could relax, cook some Asian food, make himself a fancy drink, and forget about the world.

He was forgetting about the world when suddenly he smelled smoke. His dinner was on fire! He tossed his drink on the flames, but that just made things worse. He screamed and ran for the fire extinguisher. Soon everything was contained. Jason collapsed onto the couch, legs crossed, but he heard a key enter his lock. His neighbor Allison must have heard! There wasn’t enough time to sprint to the bedroom. He accepted his fate with grim determination.

Alison opened the door, spare key in hand, taking in the scene, one eyebrow cocked. Her eyes fell on a blushing Jason. “Don’t tell me,” she began. “I spy why you cried: a tie dye thigh high stir fry gone awry and worsened by a spilled Mai Tai. Why you’re tongue tied is that I’ve come by, and in your mind’s eye you’ll be decried as not a tough guy, which feels like a black eye. Well I won’t pry, let’s let this incident pass by. (Though tie dye’s out of fashion, by-the-bye.) Bye-bye!” And with that she left.

Jason vowed that the next time Alison came over he’d be wearing orange socks and eating nothing but oranges, just to make her squirm.


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

Poem by a jewish trans woman written in 1322

{{previous post in sequence}}


somnilogical:

protector-of-the-small:

Some trans history for trans day of visibility! Here is a poem written in 1322 by a jewish trans woman! (source and alternate translation). In case you were in need of the knowledge that yes, trans people have been around for a long, long time. [this is an english translation from hebrew]

“What an awful fate for my mother
that she bore a son.
What a loss of all benefit! …
Cursed be the one who announced to my father:
“It’s a boy! …

Woe to him who has male sons.
Upon them a heavy yoke has been placed, restrictions and constraints.
Some in private, some in public,
some to avoid the mere appearance of violation,
and some entering the most secret of places.

Strong statutes and awesome commandments,
six hundred and thirteen.
Who is the man who can do all that is written,
so that he might be spared?

… Oh, but had the artisan who made me
created me instead—a fair woman.
Today I would be wise and insightful.
We would weave, my friends and I,
and in the moonlight spin our yarn,
and tell our stories to one another,
from dusk till midnight.
We’d tell of the events of our day, silly things,
matters of no consequence.
But also I would grow very wise from the spinning,
and I would say, “Happy is she who knows how to work with combed flax and weave it into fine white linen.”

And at times, in the way of women,
I would lie down on the kitchen floor,
between the ovens, turn the coals, and taste the different dishes.
On holidays I would put on my best jewelry.
I would beat on the drum
and my clapping hands would ring.

And when I was ready and the time was right,
an excellent youth would be my fortune.
He would love me, place me on a pedestal,
dress me in jewels of gold,
earrings, bracelets, necklaces.
And on the appointed day,
in the season of joy when brides are wed,
for seven days would the boy increase my delight and gladness.

Were I hungry, he would feed me well-kneaded bread.
Were I thirsty, he would quench me with light and dark wine.
He would not chastise nor harshly treat me,
and my [sexual] pleasure he would not diminish

Every Sabbath, and each new moon,
his head he would rest upon my breast.
The three husbandly duties he would fulfill,
rations, raiment, and regular intimacy.
And three wifely duties would I also fulfill,
[watching for menstrual] blood, [Sabbath candle] lights, and bread…

Father in heaven, who did miracles for our ancestors with fire and water,
You changed the fire of Chaldees so it would not burn hot,
You changed Dina in the womb of her mother to a girl,
You changed the staff to a snake before a million eyes,
You changed [Moses’] hand to [leprous] white
and the sea to dry land.
In the desert you turned rock to water,
hard flint to a fountain.

Who would then turn me from a man to woman?
Were I only to have merited this, being so graced by your goodness…

What shall I say? Why cry or be bitter?
If my Father in heaven has decreed upon me
and has maimed me with an immutable deformity,
then I do not wish to remove it.
And the sorrow of the impossible
is a human pain that nothing will cure
and for which no comfort can be found.
So, I will bear and suffer
until I die and wither in the ground.
And since I have learned from the tradition
that we bless both the good and the bitter,
I will bless in a voice, hushed and weak,
Blessed are you, O Lord,
who has not made me a woman.


Tags:

#poetry #gender #oh thank *god* it’s *back* #I mentioned this poem to my mother a while back and she wanted a link #and I couldn’t find where I’d read it #(or anywhere else it could be read for that matter) #but now I finally have a link again #I will go email it to her

Weird Sun Twitter

responsible-reanimation:

Sometimes, you find one of those things that’s so singularly weird and amazing that you kick yourself for not knowing about it earlier.

Weird Sun Twitter is one of those things for me.

It’s a network of Twitter accounts who all share the following qualities:

     Using some discolored/weird sun as a profile picture.

     Having a name in the format [X] of [Y].

     Tweeting puns, smartass wordplay, surreal humor, and noun phrases.

     Referencing/mocking This is Just to Say, this Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweet, and Ozymandias among a lot of other things.

The overall effect is this beautiful hybrid of dril, Welcome to Night Vale, and the Oracle at Delphi.

My personal favorites:

image

link

image

link

image

link

Clone of Snow has a neat premise: combining every single meme with every single other meme. It’s a really neat mechanized form of ‘humor.’

image

Link

image

Link


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

What is the best comment in source code you have ever encountered?

stephantom:  

// Magic. Do not touch.

// When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
// Now, God only knows

#define TRUE FALSE //Happy debugging suckers

stop(); // Hammertime!

// drunk, fix later

// Replaces with spaces the braces in cases
// where braces in places cause stasis
     $str = str_replace(array(“\{“,”\}”),” “,$str);

/**
* For the brave souls who get this far: You are the chosen ones,
* the valiant knights of programming who toil away, without rest,
* fixing our most awful code. To you, true saviors, kings of men,
* I say this: never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down,
* never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry,
* never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
*/

(x)


Tags:

#programming #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #rickrolling #poetry

nonternary:

responsible-reanimation:

nonternary:

Strange but memetically-fit, Tumblr posts written solely in iambs are easy to find;

Metacontrarian cultural signalling rules out those played-out Shakespearian feet.

Self-referentially, yours-truly cleverly writes with a less-boring meter in mind,

Thinking of Virgil (and Romans uncountable), shrewdly selects a dactylic conceit.

original post

This is beautiful, but the first bit either scans awkwardly or I’m missing something.

…it scans awkwardly :P


Tags:

#yeah but still #poetry