itsbenedict:

i live in chicago

i was just woken up by a vague howling noise coming from all directions, audible from inside my room, under the covers. it’s hard to pick out distinct human voices- it’s possible that the buildings themselves just started screaming. the fireworks that started going off moments later prevented me from getting back to sleep

i haven’t checked yet but i’m going to assume this means the cubs just won the world series


Tags:

#baseball #home of the brave #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

So for a moment there I thought they’d put “undefined” on purpose, like one of those Mastercard “priceless” ads.

Then it flipped, and revealed another “undefined”.

Also, the fact that they’re reminding me to vote for American president means they’re either extremely competent (they noticed me talking about how I’m an American citizen, and recognised that this supersedes my geographical location in Canada when determining my American voting eligibility) or extremely incompetent (they didn’t notice I’m in Canada). I know which one I’m guessing.

I’m not even considering putting a voting-registration button on my Tumblr until they have demonstrated to my satisfaction that it will not completely fuck up my blog in a cascade of horrific bugs.

P.S. Also, the “Learn More” button just opens another tab of my dashboard, exactly the same as the original tab. No “learn more” information on it.


Tags:

#also go vote or something #my absentee ballot arrived recently I should really deal with it soon #The Great Tumblr Apocalypse #oh look an original post #home of the brave #bluespace

unpretty:

as a kid i always thought gotham was in michigan because i thought it was a midwestern city like chicago, and there was always shit going down at the pier or in abandoned factories and if michigan has anything it’s a lot of piers and abandoned factories. anyway turns out it’s probably in jersey.

 

unpretty:

other good reasons for gotham to be in michigan:

  • one of the most heavily forested states in the country with 20 million acres of forests oh my god poison ivy would be so powerful the second she got outside city limits fuck
Gotham Location 1
  • there’s 20 million acres of this and she’s got plant powers no wonder they want her on lockdown
  • there are more than 6,000 shipwrecks in the great lakes how many supervillain origin stories is that good for
  • there’s a whole class of freighter just for the great lakes
  • “63 commercial ports handled 173 million tons of cargo in 2006″ aka holy shit that is a lot of opportunities for boatcrimes
  • mr freeze has a pretty tragic origin story but if you had to put up with michigan winters and then some motherfucker showed up freezing the town outside of freezing season you would have no mercy
Gotham Location 2
  • MOTHERFUCKER I JUST PUT MY SNOWBLOWER IN STORAGE DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW
  • imagine batman giving someone directions by pointing to his hand
  • “we believe killer croc is somewhere around here” he says pointing to the tip of his thumb
  • good fucking luck finding stats on abandoned buildings in michigan but holy shit are there a lot of them, no wonder they’re always having fights in abandoned factories and empty warehouses
Gotham Location 3
Gotham Location 4
  • “kitty why are you including that map of the railroads like it’s relevant” because when you’re trying to sleep and you hear a train in the distance it’s fucking spooky okay
  • i have no evidence that traincrime is an issue for batman i’m just saying the ambiance is there
  • michigan has plenty of abandoned theme parks for the joker to hijack
  • our most famous abandoned theme park is dinosaur themed so I GUESS WE KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE T-REX
Gotham Location 5
  • we have a special kind of ice cream called superman ice cream and i think bruce would be really bitter about it and that’s hilarious
  • there are nine different species of bat in michigan and they have all lived in my kitchen at some point
  • michigan is full of mines both abandoned and active and bats love them
  • put an abandoned train station next to and abandoned mine and you have a totally plausible CRIMEZONE
Gotham Location 6
  • and none of this is getting into the most compelling evidence
  • put a city in michigan and watch how fast no one gives a fuck
  • gotham, MI needs batman because who the fuck else is going to help
  • batman please save us from the cops and the state government

 

beezelbubbles:

I always thought that Gotham was Chicago and Metropolis was New York City.

 

unpretty:

that’s what i thought but apparently metropolis is new york during the day and gotham is new york at night which means the dc universe has three new yorks which i think even new yorkers can agree is too many

here are some more michigan batman facts:

  • we already have evil clowns
  • when i was a kid i used to slide down the slopes made by snowplows on my stomach which i feel is relevant to the penguin
  • there’s always a ton of cars from the 30s driving around gotham which makes perfect sense if it’s in michigan because that’s when we made cars and we’re not over it
  • rick snyder and his emergency managers are basically supervillains and i want batman to punch them
  • michigan is closer to kansas which means bruce can visit clark’s parents and then they’re emailing clark about what a nice young man he is and there’s nothing clark can do about it
  • batman vs superman: the deep dish debate
  • “who would name a city bludhaven” well we’ve already got bad axe and colon and gaylord and climax and grim and hell and frankenlust and gore and that’s just the first half of the alphabet
  • if someone said that a city in michigan had been hijacked by an evil clown that was only stopped when a man in an animal costume kicked him in the face would you even blink
  • this is meadow brook hall in rochester mi
Gotham Location 7
  • this is the charles t fisher house
Gotham Location 8
  • here’s the james scott residence
Gotham Location 9
  • welcome to michigan hope u like houses with turrets and fucked up clowns and evil men poisoning the water

 

silvainshadows:

Headcanon accepted, Gotham is definitely in Michigan. (Doesn’t Gotham have docks in at least one canon- one of the cartoons, I think? So it must be somewhere on the lake…)

 

plain-dealing-villain:

When Gotham has a location and it’s not replacing NYC, it’s either Chicago or New Jersey. But Detroit would be fine too.


Tags:

#Batman #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

blastfarmer asked: Random legal question. Assuming that the Force existed, that Force users were rare but generally indistinguishable from the general population, that Force users had occasionally committed crimes, that there was a easy way of identifying Force users in a crowd by deploying bugs that swarmed Force-sensitives: would current American jurisprudence support governments deploying those bugs in a) government facilities b) public spaces in order to identify Force users in case of Force-related crime?

dagny-hashtaggart:

Hmm. Interesting question.

A lot of that would come down to whether force sensitive people were considered a protected class. There’s nothing in the Civil Rights Act that would specifically protect people from discrimination on the basis of force sensitivity (it has certain features of both race and religion, but probably not enough to qualify as either in legal terms), but in a world in which the force was known to be a thing when the act was passed, it might have been. Probably the best argument for them would be the precedent from Carolene Products, which states that the court will apply heightened scrutiny to laws concerning “discrete and insular minorities.” “Insular” here means essentially that there are substantial or insurmountable barriers to changing one’s status on that axis: race is a clear example, religion is a bit more mixed but typically still counts, profession clearly doesn’t qualify. In that respect, force sensitive people clearly do qualify (assuming that it’s genetic or otherwise innate, as in Star Wars).

So, such a law would already be questionable on Fourteenth Amendment grounds. The other major objection I can see is Fourth Amendment search and seizure doctrine. Bugs swarming an individual sounds pretty damn invasive and contrary to “the right of the people to be secure in their persons” in both principle and precedent. I’m not all that up on profiling law, but there are limits on suspicionless searches more generally: it was that, for instance, that wound up dooming the controversial Florida law mandating drug tests for welfare recipients.

To keep a law from being struck down on those grounds, and particularly given the minority interest at stake, the government would need to demonstrate that the law served a compelling state interest, and did so in a manner that restricted rights and liberties as little as possible while still serving that interest. To take the drug test example above: courts have ruled that mandatory suspicionless drug tests are permissible for city bus drivers, because driving a bus while under the influence would create the potential for far greater harm than an addict receiving food stamps. So the first question would be how much danger force-using criminals created. On that count I could see the government having a pretty strong argument: telekinesis, mind control, and the ability to kill a person without detectable weapons all have strong criminal potential, and I could see a crackdown happening if a force user assassinated a major public figure, for instance. It seems like the bug solution would have a hard time with the least restrictive means test, though, given both how invasive it is, and the fact that it identifies force sensitive individuals rather than force users specifically, let alone force users who have recently used the force to commit crimes or have access to powers of particular concern.

In sum, I could see it being used in areas with substantial security (courthouses, military and police offices, etc.), but I don’t think courts would take kindly to it being deployed in most public spaces.

 

blastfarmer:

Building from this, there are so many different and weird directions a writer could take this Force-bugs!USA in.

A selection of news ledes:

The FBI violated the Fourth Amendment by planting Force-bee hives near the entrance of a county courthouse in the Bay Area, a federal judge has ruled. 

Police officers deployed Force bees after a recent spate of Force choking, arrested residents of swarmed houses, and searched the premises. Despite obtaining a warrant for the search that resulted in the arrest and conviction of choker Anakin Skywalker, Judge Kenobi has thrown out the conviction as a result of an overly-broad search warrant.

Force bees from hives known to belong to out-of-state Drug Enforcement Agency hives were seen by National Lawyers Guild observers during recent protests in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Several alleged Force-sensitives were arrested by police during the protests after bees swarmed the protesters.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHICH CELEBRITIES ARE FORCE-SENSITIVE! We went undercover with a swarm of bees to find out.

A honeybee farmer was attacked today in an apparent case of mistaken identity, after Force bees swarmed several houses in northern Maine.

Leading chemical research and development company Nüdrugs is proud to announce Force Off™, a line of Force bee repellants. The product is already in deployment with military and government customers, and is now being release on the open market for family and household use.

The Force Off brand of Force bee repellants contain synthetic pheromones that differ per batch, and appear designed to allow tracking of users, a Cornell research team announced Tuesday.


Tags:

#can’t vouch for the accuracy of the legal stuff but this is entertaining #Star Wars

actualsaame:

 

areyoutryingtodeduceme:

I remember my first eagle ceremony when I turned nine. The first eagle you get is always declawed, which I always thought was pretty inhumane, but it was a good way to ease into caring for the birds. My eagle (named Baldy, because I wasn’t a terribly clever child) was already quite old when I received him (he was a rescue eagle, luckily) but I did have him until I was 16. I don’t know if I was more excited about getting my drivers license that year, or my new eagle! You should have seen the party we had when I got him, too! Grilled hot dogs and fire works and lemonade…. obviously I named my beautiful new eagle Freedom. He’s too big to keep inside anymore, unfortunately, but we’ve got a pretty comfortable roost for him on our apartment’s balcony.

 

the19thhistory:

Ah, yes, the eagle ceremony! My Justice and I remember his quite well. (They had just come out with telepathic link transplants when I got him, which is how I know he remembers it.) Our celebration was quite modest, compared to Freedom’s—apple pie under a cloudless summer sky as we signed our Declaration of Interdependence. I still have the inked and talon-pierced document hanging on my wall.

 

vashappeninstyles:

what is this 

 

rinnysega:

Get out Canada

 

thesanityclause:

I was so scared during my pet eagle ceremony I almost threw up. But Stonewall Jackson and I have been best friends ever since. My dad and grandfather built a really massive roost behind the house for my eagle and my sisters’ eagles. Stonewall always waits for me when I get home from class since schools are getting so over protective and strict these days and won’t allow eagles indoors. Which just goes to show how much we’re bubble wrapping kids today. Back in the day, if you couldn’t handle a few stitches because you pissed off the wrong kid’s eagle, you had to just man up and learn your lesson!

 

nooby-banana:

Ooo, I never miss a chance to tell this story! I had a rather unusual first eagle ceremony. The traditional giant American flag that you wave around to summon your eagle had been severely damaged the week prior (a ceremony that had not gone according to plan, but the child only suffered minor talon wounds. The flag took the brunt of the attack).  Anyway, I couldn’t use the normal flag so we had to search ALL OVER for one suitable for eagle summoning. Unfortunately the stripes weren’t the correct shade of patriotic red so everyone was worried an eagle wouldn’t show up at all.  I had to stand in the middle of that wheat field, the wind creating amber waves out of it, shaking that flag in the air for over three hours.  Everyone was just about to give up when suddenly Patriot appeared out of nowhere!  He came to me so quickly it was like he was apologizing for being late.  And we’ve been together ever since.

 

avatarjk137:

Some people think it’s excessive to have two eagles.  But what can I say, I’m a two eagles kind of guy.  Well, I can say, “You must be a terrorist to call me out over my excesses,” but I digress.  We don’t have many open fields around here, so I got Liberty by waving my flag atop a decommissioned WWII aircraft carrier.  I was kicking a couple of boxes of tea into the harbor for good measure, and there she was.  I loved her so much I repeated the process a year later and got young Colbert here.  It’s hard work, raising two eagles, but I have two shoulders, after all.  Besides, I know that the secret to happy and healthy eagles is plenty of Bud Light.

 

roachpatrol:

Oh man, the eagle ceremony. I was a weird fucking kid, okay, so I was totally sure that the eagle ceremony wasn’t just going to net me my eagle and deepen the mystical bond between a citizen and their country, I thought I was going to get to turn into an eagle too. So me and my mom and my dad and my little brother are all standing in the old civil war battleground, surrounded by the ghosts of our fallen soldiers, and all and the problem here — it’s not usually a problem because I make sure to shave my beard off twice a day, three times on sundays — was that I am, actually, born on the fourth of July. So it wasn’t just one eagle that showed up, it was pretty much every big old patriotic warbird in Missouri, all flapping around confused and pissed off, their innate senses of direction completely fucked up by the way firecracker babies warp America’s natural system of ley lines. And I was six, so grabbed the flag and ran with it over my shoulders, rippling in the wind, thinking it was going to turn into wings for me and I would go be an eagle with all the other eagles. Instead I just got mobbed by a freaked-out mess of nationalistic avians who all weighed more than I did. I lost half my nose and my whole left arm and spent most of fourth grade in reconstructive surgery getting machine guns welded on to the shattered remains of my ulna. Completely missed my little brother’s eagle ceremony, which I will always regret, but it was all worth it to have met Columbia. I never did turn into an eagle on the outside, but I like to think those long hours in the hospital, feeding her rubbing alcohol and my own blood, have made me an eagle in my heart. 

 

hudlionunshod:

I usually never reblog long things, but this is worth reading, I swear.

 

raiining:

Ah, see, in Canada things are very different. In Northern Ontario, for example, you never quite know what you’re going to get. Ralph, my beaver, is a very standard 20 lbs, and she came to me quite easily during my Oh Canada Calling. A friend of mine, though, ended up bonded to an 800lb bull moose (she named him Bambi, she was a weird kid).

 

skandrae:

You’re so lucky you got Ralph! I had such issues during my Oh Canada Calling, and wound up with a pair of grice.

 

freyastormborn:

My eagle ceremony was weird. First of all, my parents felt I was too young to get my first eagle so I was the last one of my classmates to get an eagle. My parents are hippies so they got really into the spiritual aspects of it. Like, with my first eagle, I wasn’t allowed to get the telepathic implant, they wanted me to do it “natually” so I had to sit and meditate with Artemis for the entire morning. Luckily she was awesome and creating a natural telepathic bond pretty much happened organically. Of course we had some of the traditional parts of the ceremony, the waving of the American flags while the guests chanted “USA USA USA”. But other than that it was a pretty relaxed eagle ceremony. 
I’m glad my parents gave me the opportunity to develop a natural telepathic bond with my eagle because it’s good experience, but with my current eagle, Brunhilde, I went ahead and got the implants because I’m so busy with school that I didn’t have time to do the proper meditation. Brunhilde is a scientific type so she thinks the implant was a good call.

 

flatbear:

Ugh growing up in New Zealand is worse. You just stand outside and yell Xena war cries until a Hobbit pops their head up over the nearest hill and politely tells you to keep it the hell down.

If you’re lucky, a Kiwi ambles up, but it’s basically like having a football with a handle for a pet.

This is why I moved to America…

 

ferrific:

getting my american citizenship was both amazing and a bit traumatic. you have to do a lot of work before they will let you have an eagle ceremony, and the older you are the more difficult it can be. but after I passed all the tests and received my flag, my canada goose, laura secord, and I went to a shut-down auto plant and waited. eventually uncle sam, my eagle swooped out of the sky, and after a brief struggle, killed laura secord. it was sad, as we had been together for so long, but everyone knows canada geese are assholes, so I got over it quickly. because of my age we had to get the implants, but uncle sam and I are quite happy together.

 

tamorapierce:

Our family, well, the common word you’d have for us is “hillbillies,” but I don’t mind.  We’ve been living in our part of the Alleghenies for a long, long time, and my Pa’s family in particular holds to the old values.  Of course, this was a while back, so we didn’t have the link, but I don’t think the old man would have approved if they’d been around.  Anyway, he was determined that I would do things the right way, even though we both knew he was pretty sure I would be a disappointment to him.  I didn’t like to fish or hunt (to his shame, I was gunshy); I hated camping, and I wasn’t good at swimming.  Still, I was bound and determined to go for my eagle like our family had always done it.

He took me up into the Laurel Highlands, past where stupid old British General Braddock got himself shot in the back and where George Washington built and surrendered his first fort to the French and their Indian allies (though the enemy never got his cannon because George hid them).  We got to the end of the track our family had always taken up into the mountains, and Pa gave me a panic button if I wanted to quit.  He’d come and get me then, but he’d give up on me, too.  That was another thing we knew without saying.

Long story short, I was coming down a hill my second day, worn out because I’d gotten little sleep in the cold, and upset because I hadn’t seen or heard any birds or animals let alone an eagle (I wasn’t what you would call an observant kid) when I tripped and fell.  Down I went, and tumbled.  I stopped on the bank of a stream,

I had my first aid badger from Girl Scouts, and supplies in my back pack, so I soaked my sprained ankle in the icy creek, then bound it up.  By the time I found a branch long and strong enough to lean on, it was coming on sunset.  I had two more days before Pa started to track me.  I wanted at least to be partway back before he found me. 

I had given up on that eagle.  He’d have to wait for my sisters Kim and Dani to get big enough.  They’d find theirs; they were better in the woods than me already.  I was just a daydreamer, someone who never had any sense.  Put me to shelling peas or doing dishes and I’d take twice as long as anyone else, because I’d be telling myself stories.  That’s what I did that night, to keep my mind off my pain.  I told myself stories of brave girls who found their eagles and went off to be soldiers (girls weren’t allowed to be in the Army then) or joined the FBI (we weren’t allowed to be agents, either).  If the owls who hooted or the deer who drank at the stream liked the story, that was good, too.

I must have dozed off sometime before dawn.  When I woke, a golden eagle stood by my hand.  Not a bald eagle, like all those in my family, or like my friends’ parents had, or like people had on TV.  A golden eagle, a big fellow with a trout in his beak.  He dropped it on my knee.

At first I couldn’t breathe.  When I could talk, I said, “Thanks, but I have jerky, and peanut butter, and celery, and … things.  You eat it.”  And he did.

When Pa saw me limping on the track three days from where he’d dropped me, dirty and crazy-looking with twigs in my hair and no eagle on my shoulder, he stopped and looked at me, his weathered face like stone.  Then Anthony Wayne, his eagle, began to raise hell on his shoulder as Tecumseh glided down from his tree top.  We’d found it was easier for him to fly ahead and wait for me than for him to ride on my shoulder, at least while I had one bum foot.  This time, though, for the purposes of meeting family, he settled on my shoulder.

I describe things all the time, but I can never describe the look on my Pa’s face.  I only know that he reached a hand out to Tecumseh, who stretched out and touched his fingers with his beak.  Finally Pa said, “It’s been right in front of me all along.  I’ve been trying to make you a strong member of the family, and you are strong, but you’re also a medicine woman.  A dreamer.  And this is a dreamer’s eagle.”

“His name’s Tecumseh,” I said.

Tecumseh fluffed himself up with pride.

Pa grinned.  “Now let’s see if I can get you two home.  Your mother is going to read me out for letting you into the woods alone.”  He put two fingers to his mouth and whistled.  One of my uncles and two of my aunts walked out of the woods, their own eagles on their shoulders.  Tecumseh and I were going home like royalty.

 

dainesanddaffodils:

Did Tamora Pierce just fucking add her own ‘how I got my pet eagle’ story?

What a time to be alive, folks.

 

patrickat:

You Are All Weirdos

 

daja-the-hypnokitten:

Sure, we’re weird, but TAMORA PIERCE joined in.

I can’t not reblog this.


Tags:

#storytime #long post #unreality #home of the brave #(…your goose *died*?) #(my familiars get along great) #(I guess you renounced your citizenship?)

221cbakerstreet:

dingusmcdougall:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

221cbakerstreet:

The true north American hogwarts houses are bigfoot, mothman, jersey devil, and the chupacabra and you’ll never convince me otherwise

I’m in Mothman

You might belong in Bigfoot

Where live the wild and strange

Who are difficult to understand

And harder still to change

Or else, belong in Mothman

With that otherworldly kind

Whose mystic, alien knowledge

Could blow your human mind

Or with those in Jersey Devil,

With passion for so many things

They love to run, but want to fly,

Thus, grow both hooves and wings.

Or else, in Chupacabra

If your resourcefulness exceeds

These clever opportunists know

How to get to what they need

ok but this is amazing???!??!?!!


Tags:

#Harry Potter #home of the brave

lizardywizard:

“stay in your lane” are you kidding me. i’m a california motorcyclist. i’m splitting lanes. i’m in your lane. i’m in every lane


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #the humour of my people #(the following category tag was added retroactively:) #our roads may be golden or broken or lost