comparativelysuperlative:

The Goncharov remake we deserve

  1. The announcement that Columbia Pictures will be releasing a remake of Martin Scorcese’s Goncharov is met with public bewilderment and Tumblr cheers.
  2. Everyone on This Here Webbed Site cannot contain the anticipation. The trailer is argued about. Tickets are purchased. Droves are showed up in. Money is made.
  3. Opening day, the first lucky crowd watches as the scene fades in. Title screen plays.
  4. Morbius.

Tags:

#Goncharov #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

foone:

Anomalous Item #4742: A set of 173 VHS tapes with blank labels.

When a tape label is filled out (there are provided fields for title, director, and year) and then placed into any functioning VCR, the film listed will play, regardless of if it existed before the tape was played.

This was first believed to be an effect limited to the tapes, ie, the tapes were somehow generating the movie themselves through some method similar to AI art generation, but after initial tests were performed the paratime division discovered the effect is actually antichronological: when played, the tapes don’t simply create the movie named, they alter the past so that the movie mentioned was created.

Thus, after a tape is labeled and played, it can be found on streaming services and in DVD rental stores. The directors, if still alive, will recall making the film, and actors who were active at the time the film was “made” will have anecdotes about events that happened in the film.

This can have ripple effects as well; during the 9th test, the film Big Trouble in Little China, 1986, directed by John Carpenter, was created. Besides the immediate effects of creating a new film that hadn’t existed, an indirect effect was that the film Alien 2, 1985, John Carpenter, ceased to exist. Instead, the sequel to the 1979 film Alien (directed by Ridley Scott)was titled Aliens and directed by James Cameron. It’s believed that by adding a new movie to the timeline of John Carpenter’s direction, he no longer had time to direct one of the works he had directed in the original timeline, as he would have been busy directing the newly-added film, and directing roles therefore passed to another director.

Use of the tapes can also implicitly affect the lifespan of directors. In test #17, Researcher J. Calhoun attempted to generate a film that couldn’t possibly exist: a prequel to a film made by a director who had died decades beforehand.

According to paratime research, the writing of “Star Wars: Episode 1, 1999, George Lucas” on the tape and the subsequent viewing undid the 1981 death of Mr. Lucas, causing Star Wars: Episode 6: Revenge of the Jedi to come out in 1983 instead of 1985, be titled “Return of the Jedi” instead, and it would be directed by George Lucas instead of Steven Spielberg.

This obviously had additional effects as it didn’t merely extend the lifespan of George Lucas by an additional 18 years: at time of writing in 2022, he is still alive at the age of 78. It’s therefore believed that the object doesn’t unnaturally extend the lifespan of the director, it instead reshapes the flow of time so that any events that would stop them from filming the listed movie do not happen.

After discovery of their history altering nature, the remaining anomalous objects have been locked in secure storage at site #22. No further testing is authorized, and emergency use requires level #6 authorization, which will only be granted in the face of imminent disaster requiring paratime remedies.

Article update[2022-11-20]: an incident occurred where it was discovered that former researcher K. Synnol had acquired one of the tapes (see investigation document 2483 for details) and was attempting to use it for history modification, without approval. The paratime division detected the impending history alteration and an assault team was dispatched. Synnol was apprehended before they could complete the use of the tape, however the label WAS filled out but the tape remained unwatched. What effects, if any, the partial use of the anomalous artifact would have on the timeline is unknown, but in previous testing the film only came into being when the labeled tape was placed into a VCR and watched.

See photo attachment #2, below, for artifact 1B, recovered after the Synnol event.

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Tags:

#Goncharov #storytime #unreality cw #amnesia cw? #death tw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

wherestoriescomefrom:

wherestoriescomefrom:

wherestoriescomefrom:

why did you people come up with russian names for what is supposed to be a movie set in italy. what was the thought process here. why does she sound like she walked out of a tolstoy novel

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an insane response, but i can’t fight this. carry on

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a5138f7dad6e820d02757e8ebe6c575eb559655a
e95bf968b2f256e9a00135c694ebb16c4fead817

im being hunted for sport in the notes


Tags:

#Goncharov #meta #unreality cw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

nextworldover:

mystery-moose:

Okay no for real this whole idea of Goncharov is very funny but get your fuckin’ timeline right, okay.

Martin Scorsese had made exactly two movies by 1973, he didn’t have the cachet to make a big budget or even mid budget crime movie about the Naples mafia. Certainly not the greatest mafia movie ever made! Further, he hadn’t yet developed his filmmaking style, let alone his fascination with the criminal underworld, and The Godfather had just come out the year before, so there wasn’t even time to get used to the romantic portrayal of gangsters that Scorsese’s films would act as revisionist responses to! The conversation had barely even started yet!

And then there’s the actors: Robert De Niro was a working actor then, not a huge star — he’d been in a few movies by then, including three from noted trash sommelier Brian De Palma and one from even more noted trash auteur Roger Corman — and he actually worked with Scorsese and Keitel that same year in Mean Streets! He got some acclaim for that performance but it wasn’t like, Godfather level, y’know? Not in terms of fame or notice at least. And Pacino? Pacino’s first major role was The Godfather the previous year! That was his third film ever! He did Serpico in ‘73! He hadn’t even done Dog Day Afternoon yet! And he didn’t work with Scorsese until The Irishman, which came out in 2019!

Really, y’all, what you’re imagining, the movie you’re all spinning out of thin air here, probably came out in like, 1983, not ‘73. Probably in place of Scarface or something (which for my money would be an improvement). You’ve got De Niro post-Deer Hunter and Taxi Driver, he’s worked with Scorsese before, you’ve had two excellent Godfather films to build a mythology of the romantic gangster around for Scorsese to play with. You’ve got Pacino after shit like Serpico and Cruising, he’s in his prime. You’re still pre-Goodfellas for Scorsese, so he hasn’t gone sicko mode yet, but he’s done great movies that got noticed and he’d be able to pick up a budget and a production company to go to Naples. He’s worked with big studios, he’s got some clout. Now is the time for Goncharov!

But nooo, all this happened before you were born so it’s all vague and nebulous “before-times.” What’s the difference between 1973 and 1983? Who cares? Well I do! And now you know! History matters okay!! Learn ya history!!!

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i think this is my favorite reconciliation of established goncharov lore with scorsese’s actual film career


Tags:

#Goncharov #history #fun with loopholes #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

ot3:

ot3:

i think goncharov is definitely a real movie in the riverdale universe i think jughead loves it

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“the mandela theory is real and riverdale but only applies to jughead who is the sole person who can remember martin scorsese’s goncharov” is i think exactly the sort of thing that would happen. they should hire us to write this show


Tags:

#Goncharov #Riverdale #I don’t go here but #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #unreality cw? #amnesia cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

commeowdore:

acertainrandomguy:

helltubesusie:

commeowdore:

goncharov this goncharov that. you fools homestuck fans did this literally like 10 years ago

what

I don’t know if this is true and honestly I refuse to learn more about it

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> they dont know about the time 2010 homestuck users tried to gaslight everyone into thinking squiddles was a real show

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Tags:

#…was Squiddles not the first thing other people thought of when they found out what was going on with Goncharov? #admittedly they may have heard of the Squiddles thing but *not* known it was Homestuck-related #I think it was quite some time after I learned Squiddles wasn’t real that I learned it was‚ specifically‚ a Homestuck joke #(the posts I saw were nowhere near as blatant about the Homestuck connection as the ones given here) #Squiddles #Goncharov #unreality cw? #Homestuck

earlgraytay:

your-local-autistic:

dogsuffrage:

loseremo:

zootycoon-archive:

f764a70ef6f732eadd43736e48f183358fe68af2

i got these knockoff boots online and instead of the brand name on the tag they have the name of an apparently nonexistent martin scorsese movie??? what the fuck

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I FIGURED OUT WHAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE

After searching in depth on every possible term on these shoes, I ended up in the filmography of Italian producer Domenico Procacci, leading me to the film Gomorrah, which I noticed KINDA looks like Goncharov. So I did some digging into Gomorrah and it’s about the Naples mafia… which finally led me to finding this image

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Martin Scorsese is on it because he lended his name to it to boost its reception in the US

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This post has haunted me for so long I’m so glad I figured this out

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According to this guy on Substack (so authoritative, I know), it looks like the boots wound up Like That because of OCR.

A computer “read” the Gomorrah poster in the same way that, say, @nostalgebraist-autoresponder can “read” a meme you send her. and just like how sometimes Frank badly misreads the text in a meme you send and goes off on a tangent about cats or something, the computer that did the OCR for the boots misread Gomorrah.

And so we get Goncharov, the greatest movie never made.

I have no idea why the knockoff boot company decided to make boots centered around the poster for Gomorrah, but here we are.


Tags:

#I know I’m late here #you’ve probably seen this before #but‚ you know‚ for the record #(the first several Goncharov posts I saw were kayfabe and tbh I was completely willing to believe #that Tumblr had abruptly become obsessed with an obscure mafia movie) #(I’m still kind of confused as to why *now*) #(the earlier posts in this thread are from 2020‚ and yeah the one that figured out the Gomorrah connection is 2022-10-25 but #that was still like three weeks before it went big) #Goncharov