theworldofchinese:

The Greatest Pirate Who Ever Lived

BY: 

In 1801, a pirate named Zheng Yi was busy raiding Canton. Aside from the prerequisite plundering and rum-drinking, he had given his men one specific order: to break into a local brothel and bring him the prostitute Zheng Yi Sao (郑一嫂), or “Zheng Yi’s wife”.

One might expect a sinister fate to have awaited Zheng Yi Sao upon her deliverance to the pirate captain (rape, swiftly followed by murder, being the most obvious). In actuality, Zheng Yi’s intentions were considerably more gentlemanly.

He intended to marry her. And recognizing that her current future prospects were rather limited, Zheng Yi Sao accepted.

But Zheng Yi Sao didn’t intend on spending the rest of her days as some plunder-hungry pirate’s eye candy. She wanted to become a pirate as well, and she did – one of the greatest pirates to have ever lived.

Read more

 

bankuei:

That first part doesn’t do justice, here read this:

Right from the get-go, Zheng Yi Sao displayed a staggering degree of cunning. She happily accepted Zheng Yi’s proposal, but only on the condition that he share his wealth and power with her, equally. Then, while her new husband went about his pirate duties – further plunder and rum-drinking, presumably – she focused on the business side of things. The result was that in six years, she had engineered an alliance between Zheng Yi and his former pirate rivals, amassed a force of some 1500 ships (called the Red Flag Fleet) and created a swashbuckling empire that extended all the way from Korea to Malaysia.

Zheng Yi certainly knew how to pick ‘em.

Unfortunately, Zheng Yi was killed in 1807 after a misunderstanding with a typhoon. Unfortunate for him, but extremely fortunate for Zheng Yi Sao. Refusing to step aside like a good, diligent widow, Zheng Yi Sao took charge of the Red Flag Fleet, convinced her late husband’s First Mate to support her and swiftly set about making herself the most respected and/or feared individual in all the East.

If films/books/video games have taught us anything, it’s that pirates were a rowdy bunch at the best of times, and their attitudes towards women were…less than progressive. Zheng Yi Sao, of course, was having none of that and quickly established a new pirate code to keep her peg-legged men in line. Anyone who looted a town that had already paid tribute had their head cut off and was dumped in the ocean. Anyone caught, or even suspected, of stealing from the treasury had their head cut off and was dumped in the ocean. Anyone who raped a female prisoner had their head cut off and was dumped in the ocean (there’s a pattern there somewhere).

Needless to say, Zheng Yi Sao was not messing around. Not all her laws were quite so decapitation-happy, though. Ugly female prisoners were to be set free, and when a crewmember purchased one of the prettier captives, he had no choice but to marry her.

But if he was unfaithful…head cut off, dumped in the ocean.

After just one year leading her pirate hegemony, Zheng Yi Sao had formed one of the largest navies on the planet, with some 17,000 men under her command. Extorted tributes from merchants across the Chinese seas and from the coastal towns between Macau and Canton swelled her treasury to staggering levels, and her power was so great that she became the de facto government of the region. No longer was she merely a pirate; she was an entire political entity.

 

awisher-aliar:

So this is awesome.

 

andi-sz:

Is there a historical fiction novel about this? I want to read a historical fiction novel about this.


Tags:

#history

neversarcastic:

Dear necromancers, why would you bother summoning human corpses when dinosaurs are an option

 

unseenphil:

Option 1: Money. It’s easier to convince human ghosts to tell you about secret treasure they left behind than to ask Dinosaurs about what oil field they become part of.

Option 2: Laziness: It’s easier to break into a graveyard with a shovel than into a natural history museum.

Option 3: Quantity has a quality all its own: A t-rex weighed in at about eight tons. A human corpse weighs in at about 160, 170 pounds. You can get 100 zombies to the T-rex.

Option 4: Do the corpses you’re raising have the brains they had in life? A zombie army that’s an actual army with weapons and maybe a haunted tank or two raises  the worth per zombie by a good bit.

Option 5: Maybe it’s not either or; you might need the human zombies to get to the T-rex.

 

seananmcguire:

I love you so much.

 

ursulavernon:

Option 6: You want the zombies to carry something.

“Zombie T-Rex nooooooo! We do not carry the waterbed with our teeth! We…oh, man, Mom is gonna kill me…”


Tags:

#death #zombies

lifemadesimple:

Travel: Walking on Ice

Avoid slipping by walking like a penguin.

Fact: About 60 people die each year in the US as a result of slipping on ice. This is about as many that will die from a tornado.

 

alwaysatrombonist:

Reblogging for people who are having cold weather they’re not used to! Please stay safe <3

 

dandelionofthanatos:

THIS DOES WORK.

Trust the Canadian who walks like this from December to March. It may look mildly goofy, but in winter everybody already does (bobble hats with hockey team logos on!), and it’s really nice to not have to worry so much about falling on your arse.

 

elijahfeathers:

As someone who was born in Minnesota and has wintered there a few times in my adult life: This is the walk you want.

 

mylittlespambox:

I can definitely attest to this.

 

findinghealthyhappiness:

Yes this! Although sometimes I forget. Literally fell tonight and hit my head on a tire. So be careful out there everyone.


Tags:

#the more you know #hmm #I never thought about it like this #I just take very small steps when faced with ice #which I suppose amounts to almost the same thing

Apparently it’s that kind of day.

Because I feel like it, and because the occasional precedents I’ve seen elsewhere seemed to work out well, I am going to answer all of the questions in this ask meme.

How badly will I twist the questions? How many of the questions even make sense? Join us below the cut to find out!

A. If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone?

Wouldn’t the whole point of killing someone be to cause the repercussions? Or do you mean only the repercussions specifically focused on me?

Even using the generous interpretation, nobody really springs to mind.

B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you?

If I’ve said something controversial lately, fearful. If not, slightly excited, but mostly thinking it’s probably a spambot.

C. Have you ever looked down on someone because you thought your religious views were superior?

See question Z. (No.)

D. Would you rather know everything the universe has to offer but in exchange lose all emotions or remain the way you are now?

My first impulse is to do it, then spend the rest of my life recording the information not currently known to Terrans, in descending order of projected usefulness.

Possibly I have been spending too much time around utilitarians. Possibly I have been spending just enough time around utilitarians.

(I’m not sure whether I actually would go with the first impulse, though.)

E. If you could live and be healthy without sleeping or eating/drinking, which would you cut out of your life?

Due to being relatively prone to digestive issues, I have spent more time wishing I didn’t need to eat than I have wishing I didn’t need to sleep. There are also potential complications of being rendered incapable of sleep.

On the other hand, 8 – 9 hours (depending on whether you count dreaming) more consciousness out of every 24 is quite a lot of effective lifespan extension, and it never actually says I would be incapable of sleep at all, let alone incapable of dozing. Given the information provided, I would rather go without sleep.

F. If you could take on the exact body and form of anyone else on Earth, who would it be?

I would need more information on the potential forms available, in order to determine which one would have the best balance of maximum health (both quality and quantity of life) and minimum dysphoria.

Given that I’m currently 21 years old, with basically no dysphoria and no chronic health problems save for severe nearsightedness, it’s very likely that the best body is in fact the one I currently have.

That’s all assuming that the legal issues of getting a new body are magically dealt with, of course. Otherwise it’s even more likely to be best sticking with my current body.

(This question is supposed to be about beauty, isn’t it? I already look plain in a vaguely pleasant manner, what more could I want?)

G. Would you rather burn or freeze to death?

Rumour has it that freezing hurts less, and also has a better chance of being revivable.

H. If it meant it would solve all world hunger, war, disease and bigotry, would you spend the rest of eternity in Hell?

The most effective way of doing that is to kill everyone (solving the first three) and mind-control their immortal souls (solving the last; I assume that since Hell is involved, there are immortal souls in this scenario). That’s not worth going to Hell for.

(Was anyone else surprised that humanity did not go extinct (save for the two people in the eye of the reality storm, of course) during the world-peace part of The Lathe of Heaven?)

I. Was the first crush in your life something you had or something someone had on you?

Presumably something someone else had, though if so I have remained blissfully unaware of it.

J. Could you live without having sex ever (again) in exchange for eternal youth?

See question E above re: complications. It would only take a bit of definition-twisting for this to result in me dying horribly of magically enforced sleep deprivation, leaving an eternally youthful corpse.

(Also, to confirm, “eternally youthful” is still fully grown, right? I don’t want to end up in a baby’s body forever, especially if my mind is adversely affected by having to fit into a baby’s head.)

One needs to define “sex” very precisely for a question like this to be answerable. Like, never mind my fetishes: what if I accidentally do something to fulfil someone else’s? There are all sorts of potential issues here.

If we go with a strict definition, something like “genital intercourse between two or more people, with full knowledge and consent of all parties, for the purpose of inducing sexual pleasure in at least one party”: yes, in a heartbeat. Sounds like a sweet deal. Wasn’t even planning to do that anyway.

K. Have you ever watched a full length pornographic movie?

Nah, videos don’t do it for me.

L. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?

Neither. I dislike both of them. *dodges thrown tomatoes*

M. If you could have the ability to manipulate matter or energy, which would you choose?

To what extent is that even a meaningful question?

N. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?

Measured in terms of “how long did it take me to calm down afterward”, probably the one with the serial killer.

O. Would you rather spend one year with your one true love just to never see them again or the rest of your life with second best?

Okay, that’s definitely not a meaningful question.

P. All the sequels/remakes/adaptations/rip-offs in movies nowadays, good or bad?

I don’t consider it inherently good or bad, but rather judge on a case-by-case basis.

(Also, I am informed by Shakespeare nerds that this tendency towards sequels/remakes/adaptations/rip-offs is not a new phenomenon.)

Q. Would you rather be dirt poor and emotionally fulfilled in life or be rich beyond imagination and emotionally dissatisfied for life?

This is a very similar question to D, but replacing “think of what I could teach!” with “think of what I could give to charity!”. The same answer applies.

R. Do you have any (secret) feelings of bigotry to any group of people?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may force me to incriminate myself.

(Besides, then they wouldn’t be secret anymore, would they?)

S. Would you rather be the only person in the world that can read minds or have everyone else in the world be able to read minds except for your own?

If I can turn it on and off at will, me. Mostly to keep it from falling into the wrong hands. (I can’t entirely guarantee that I’m not the wrong hands, but giving telepathy to everyone would definitely cause it to fall into some wrong hands.)

T. If everyone in the world would automatically only know one language, which language would you choose?

I seem to recall that English is currently the most widely spoken language, which means that choosing English would minimise the extent and number of horrific mind-alterations performed on people. I’d really rather not have to do it at all, though.

U. If you were old enough and not in a situation where it would be inappropriate, would you sleep with one of your (past) school teachers/professors?

There is no situation in which having sex with your mother is appropriate. I’ve never met any of my other teachers in person, though come to think of it, I don’t actually have to have seen them in order to say I wouldn’t have sex with them. It’s a safe assumption in general.

V. A world without religion, good, bad, neutral?

Impossible, unless you kill everyone (again). Unlike maggots, religions can reproduce via spontaneous generation.

W. The men’s rights movement, legitimate cause or laughable, and why?

Last I heard, there were multiple causes calling themselves “men’s rights”, of varying levels of legitimacy.

X. You can eliminate one of your five senses to substantially strengthen the others, which one and would you do it?

I would need more information to make that decision. Getting rid of smell will normally impair taste: am I magically protected from this? Will my senses be strengthened to the point of painful overstimulation?

(I probably wouldn’t do it, especially since I’m having a hard time seeing how the answer to my second question could be “no”.)

Y. Do looks mean anything to you? Don’t lie, could you fall in love with someone you thought was ugly?

Well, aren’t you pushy.

Current evidence suggests that I cannot fall in love with people I think are ugly. I also cannot fall in love with people I think are pretty.

Z. Can you understand the mindset and logic used by the opposite spiritual opinion? An atheist understanding the belief in a higher power and vice versa.

The only reason I don’t “belie[ve] in a higher power” is because I haven’t encountered any evidence for it. Unlike most people who say that, I am willing to accept subjective spiritual experiences as evidence. I haven’t had any such experiences, and may not be capable of them.

(So, yes.)

Well, I think we’ve all learned something here, and it’s that I have spent too much time reading genie stories.

(Or possibly just enough time reading genie stories.)


Tags:

#Brin talks about herself for no particular reason #(I don’t think I’ve ever done a readmore before) #(I hope it works) #anyone else want to join me in answering all the questions? #so I don’t feel as alone in this? #and also so I can see what your answers are? #meme #oh look an original post

villainfr:

Plaguebringer: I’m probably the most hardcore. I created mirrors with TWO sets of eyes, so. Pretty badass.

Shadowbinder: Oh yeah? Well I live in an impenetrable mist. IMPENETRABLE. If that’s not super dark, I don’t know what is.

Plaguebringer: My skin oozes with contagion and disease. I am become plague.

Shadowbinder: What’s that in the corner of your eye? SPOILER, it’s me, being shadowy. Hard. Freaking. Core.

Lightweaver: I created a species that when they die they fuse together with their dead brethren to become a hideous zombie nightmare dragon of terror, mindless and terrible.

Shadowbinder:

Plaguebringer:

Shadowbinder: What the fuck is wrong with you.


Tags:

#Flight Rising #death tw #illness tw #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog

batmansymbol:

The Final Damning Evidence That Rioghnach Has No Life Whatsoever

welp

here it is

the final damning evidence that i have no life whatsoever

lyrics at the original post here

 

shlevy:

Forever reblog

 

yxoque:

I really need to be more careful about “forever reblog” precommitments.

 

yxoque:

Oh no, if one of my mutuals reblogs this, I might get stuck in a loop!

 

yxoque:

Yup, it’s a loop.

 

queenshulamit:

At this point I am just being mean.

 

shlevy:

The only way out is to coordinate a staggered tumblr break amongst mutuals that have the forever reblog precommitment.

 

shlevy:

Alternatively: Does blocking a post such that you don’t even see a notification that it was blocked count as breaking the precommitment?

 

queenshulamit:

I don’t think so…
(I usually just reblog it to the queueueueueueueueue to avoid loops, but the last time was being mean.)

 

paradoxicalechoes:

I’ve always assumed a no reblog-backs rule so situations like this don’t happen.

 

ozymandias271:

I assume the rule is “reblog if it is not currently in the queueuueueueu”

 

remotelyblurred:

Ahhhhhhhh I’ve precommitted to always blogging this too. What have I done…

 

comparativelysuperlative:

Oh, hey, this song!


Tags:

#music #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #death tw

straighttohelvetica:

Easily the most horrifying line of dialogue I’ve ever heard in an animated movie.

 

castielsunderpants:

NO BUT THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD GODDAMN MOVIE LIKE THE MUSIC IS FUN AND SUPERB THE CHARACTERS WERE REAL PEOPLE EVEN THE ANTAGONISTS THE WOMEN WERE GREAT IT WAS ALL GREAT. IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOURE JEWISH, CHRISTIAN, MUSLIM, ATHEIST, WHATEVER ELSE IT DOESNT MATTER ITS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE AND ITS LITERALLY ONLY 90 MINUTES OF YOUR DAY AND EXPERIENCE THIS HERE JUST CLICK IT LITERALLY IT WILL OPEN IN A NEW TAB GO WATCH. 

 

fifty-shadesofgay:

also can we point out that none of the characters were white? like damn accurate depictions of Biblical characters

 

riskpig:

I reblog every time Prince of Egypt comes up because holy fuck this movie is so good.

 

theparadoxymoron:

first movie i ever saw in theaters

 

comparativelysuperlative:

First movie I ever saw in theaters too! That’s probably not coincidence!

But, like, this line is part of why I grew up thinking utilitarians are monsters. And I mean that in the “check under the bed” sense—there are people who will do literally anything (depending on the circumstances) and not care if the Bible says it’s evil! And they might be coming for you!

And now of course I’m a utilitarian, and so are a lot of the people I think of as doing the most good. Turns out that genocide against a bunch of babies? Not actually a fair portrayal of people doing things for the greater good.

Also, I recognised this gifset as being from Prince of Egypt (through cultural osmosis; haven’t actually seen the movie), but skimmed the context, so up until “they were only slaves” I thought it was Moses talking about murdering every non-Jewish firstborn in Egypt. And I was glad that apparently somebody in the film had tried to call them out on that tactic. But no, it’s just the same-old-same-old.

See, you have no idea how much that incident scarred me as a child. You’re supposed to hear that story and empathise with the oh-poor-Jewish-slaves-who-just-want-to-be-free, but I empathised with the Egyptian peasants. My fellow firstborns, slaughtered en masse for being born to the wrong families at the wrong time. Innocent, unknowing people, who happened to meet a totally arbitrary qualification that I met.

(My parents, in a desperate attempt to console me, tried to tell me I didn’t meet the qualifications. That in their place, I’d have been one of the ones with goat’s blood painted on the doorway. Thing is, being firstborn is more important to me than being Jewish 10.5 months out of the year, and even during Christmas season, it’s not so much “Jewish” that’s important as much as “not Christian”. (The Egyptians weren’t Christian either.))

That damned story was what made me really aware, on a visceral level, of my mortality. Learning how not to be viscerally aware of mortality (apparently some people do manage to function while aware of it, but I can’t imagine how) was an extremely long, painful process. By the time I’d more or less finished, it had taken me something like a third of my lifetime-at-that-point. (Then Five for Fighting released “100 Years” and started getting it played on all the radios and even a TV commercial, and I had to spend another few months re-doing some of the painstakingly crafted mental blocks. I swear, if I ever meet the one man who comprises Five for Fighting, I’ll…well, I probably couldn’t get away with punching him. I suppose I’d tell him about how he rubbed salt in a traumatised child’s wound, and let his own guilt punish him appropriately.)

Occasionally I hear of people who laugh at the idea that the Bible isn’t suitable for children. I’m not laughing.


Tags:

#long post #Brin talks about herself for no particular reason #death tw #(kind of a meta death-tw) #(it’s a story about how *I* needed death tw’s for a few years) #(I haven’t had a full-on 100-Years-style breach of the psychological barriers in a long time) #(but sometimes there’s still little leaks) #(there’s something about the way Florence Welch sings ‘I’m going to drink myself to death’) #(something about the way Cecil says ‘blood’ when reciting the Night Vale Community College minutes) #(that reminds me of being seven) #(I’m glad I’m not seven anymore)


{{next post in sequence}}

pervocracy:

Why are ghosts scary?  Shouldn’t seeing a ghost be literally the best news you can ever receive?

“Oh my god, proof that the soul does survive death and that my consciousness will not be totally extinguished when I die!  Aaaah, run!


Tags:

#ghost #death #pretty much #on a related note #I’m always confused when fictional characters first enter the (non-hellish) afterlife and their response is distress #okay yes you can never go back to your home plane of existence #and a fair portion of your loved ones think you’ve ceased to exist #and yes that sucks #but dude you’re *fucking immortal* #and so are those loved ones too for that matter #(yes it’s horrible that they live in ignorance of that fact) #(yes they deserve to know) #(but regardless it’s still *true*) #what greater relief could there be? #never again having to worry about ceasing to exist? #other concerns pale in the face of that #tag rambles

outofcontextdnd:

“Don’t take the smaller criminal charges lightly – even after they execute you for the big ones, they’ll still put your corpse in jail for the other crimes, so even if you get resurrected, you’ll still be in jail. It’s common sense, really.”


Tags:

#…they’ve got a point there