seat-safety-switch:

Tires cost a fortune. You can buy a car for $200, or at least you used to be able to, and easily spend double that on a set of rock-hard ditch-finders from the local tire shop. When I asked a tire company executive about it, they weasel-worded some mouth grease about tires being “expensive to ship.” Obviously, the only way I was going to get through this was to open a tire factory of my own.

This isn’t unusual. Tire factories used to dot this proud nation in a time before AliExpress and Amazon Secondus. Folks just like you and I would go to work and eke out a reasonable, middle-class existence – with a pension – putting high-quality tires under our neighbours’ cars, for cheap. Eventually, some spreadsheet said this was no longer cost-effective, and now we have to order our tires from another country.

I’m sure they have lots of good reasons for this. Tires are a lot better since the sixties and seventies: for instance, when it starts to snow, not everyone within a 50 mile radius of your car is instantly killed. You can brake harder into corners and also take them at greater speed, without them getting all greasy and knobbly as they heat up. You would expect this improved technology to cost more money, which means that the big tire executives needed to outsource it in order to make the final price more affordable.

Of course, this is patented bullshit. If you’re not interested in profit, you can make inexpensive, good tires all day long. Switch Tire Company, being technically a subsidiary of Switch Investment Corporation, is run entirely at a loss. We simply bet against ourselves every day, shorting our stock on the open market. People take the other side of it, maybe because we keep renaming our company to things like “Switch Blockchain Expressions” or “Switch Artificially Intelligent Hookerbots,” the sort of names that make the casual Wall Street Tier 1 investment bank think that we’re up-and-comers. Then we pour the money we made off their backs into running off a new set of race tires.

Sure, I could have used this kind of business acumen to do something other than lose money making tires for shit-box cars. How else was I going to be able to find 13-inch tires that are 10 inches wide?


Tags:

#storytime #unreality cw #death tw? #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

jtstoryweaver:

writing-prompt-s:

“Mom, there’s someone under the bed.” You bend down and see your son there instead and he whispers “Mom that’s not me up there!” You take a step back when someone tugs your shirt. You turn, your son is in the closet asking “who are they?” You suddenly hear him calling from downstairs “Mommy?”

You sigh, raising your voice so that all of your sons can hear you. “All right, everyone into the kitchen. Now.” Hearing a shuffle in the attic, you add, “Yes, Duncan, that includes you.”

You don’t see any movement as you go down the stairs, but you’re used to that. You know they’ll all be there by the time you walk through the kitchen door.

As usual, your children have all fitted themselves into the kitchen. The dimensions of the room are a little wobbly with so many of them present, but you’ve long ago learned to ignore how the laws of physics only occasionally apply to them. A host of little faces look up at you anxiously, and you smile gently.

“It’s okay, none of you are in trouble,” you reassure them. They relax – and how astonishing is it, that they trust you so much? You’re so proud of their progress.

One, however, still looks nervous. You beckon him forward, and he comes reluctantly, shoved by his identical older brothers.

“Are you new?” you ask carefully.

He nods, and you drop to one knee. “It’s okay, sweetie,” you tell him firmly. “I love all of my sons, even ones I haven’t met before. Ask your brothers, they’ll tell you.”

“’m here because I heard you were nice,” he says in a tiny voice.

You open your arms, offering a hug but waiting to let him decide whether he wants one. This child must have seen hugs before, because he flings himself into your arms and starts crying. That’s good. Some of your sons are traumatised from what they’ve seen, knowing more slaps than kisses.

Eventually, the sobs dry up, your other kids patiently waiting for your attention again. “Why do we look like this?” he asks, curious.

“Because this is what the first of you looked like – Wilson, where are you?”

A hand raises from the crowd and waves energetically.

“Wilson took on my son’s form to play Child or Double. Calling from downstairs when my son was in bed, getting tucked in when the child I bore was playing out in the garden. Once I figured it out, I hugged him and told him that as far as I was concerned, I now had twins. It took him some time before he believed me.”

Wilson shrugs unrepentantly.

“When my son died, Wilson stayed. It helped, having one of my sons with me while I grieved. Then another of you began to turn up, and I had twins again. Then more. Until now, when I have more of you than will technically fit in my kitchen.” You give your sons a look of motherly disapproval, but they only giggle. They know you don’t mind.

“It’s not like you need to feed us!” calls out one of your bolder sons. Eric, probably. Your newest, unnamed child looks up hesitantly, then steps out of your arms to join his brothers. Lucas might be a nice name, you think idly. You don’t have a Lucas yet.

“That does help,” you admit. You put steel into your next words. “However, there are Rules in this house, and one of them is no messing around at bedtime. I know that bedtime is a traditional time for the Child or Double game, but four of you is pushing it.”

You’d say more, but there’s a knock at your back door. You turn to answer it, knowing that your sons will have evaporated before your fingers grasp the handle, and brace against the cold night air as you pull the door open.

Two identical little girls stand there. One has a bruise on her cheek, and has clearly been crying recently. The other – the other is a Doubler, just like your sons. After this long, you can tell the difference.

“Please,” the Doubler says, and her voice trembles on the word. “Please. She needs somewhere to stay.”

Part of you is shocked, already looking ahead to the potential legal issues. The rest of you is all mother, and you whisk her into the nice warm kitchen and get her a glass of water.

Your son’s bed will be occupied by someone else tonight. You think he’d have been okay with that.


Tags:

#storytime #abuse cw #death tw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

thelearnedsoldiertoo:

nonasuch:

i think the funniest possible star trek viewing order might be strictly chronological.

you’d have to start with that Voyager episode where they go to before the Big Bang, then work your way through every other time travel episode, the one with the whales, and First Contact before you even get close to anything approaching a normal viewing order.

at some point you’d have to watch “City on The Edge of Forever” followed by “Little Green Men” followed by “Far Beyond the Stars” which is about the most tonal whiplash you could possibly get from three consecutive episodes of star trek. I think I want to try this now.

I think this might actually kill you so if anyone does this, tell me if it gives you the adult equivalent of shaken baby syndrome.


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Star Trek #overly literal interpretations #death tw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

miaislying:

personsonable:

miaislying:

personsonable:

me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters

me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean?

decay exists as an extant form of life

That’s a terrifying answer, have a nice day


Tags:

#fucking *finally*! #it’s *back*! #that one post with the thing #death tw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

attackfish:

As it is Passover again, it is time for the annual debate as to whether the frog plague, which thanks to a quirk in the Hebrew, is written as a plague of frog, singular, rather than the plural, plague of frogs, was in fact, as generally imagined, a plague of many frogs, or instead a singular giant Kaiju frog. This is an ancient and venerable argument that actually goes back to the Talmud because this is what the Jewish people are. If we can’t argue for fun about this sort of thing, what are we even doing.

In that spirit, I would like to submit a third possibility, which is that in fact it was one perfectly normal sized frog, who was absolutely acing Untitled Frog Game: Ancient Egypt Edition. One particularly obnoxious frog, who through sheer hard work, managed to plague all of Egypt.


Tags:

#Passover #frogs #Untitled Goose Game #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #death tw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

soph950:

e9dc0152af18542742a53f7908c128ec46c69ee3

This one is the best in a while


Tags:

#… #relatable #Buddhism #Christianity #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #death tw? #unreality cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once

another-normal-anomaly:

ultirex:

go to this random coordinates generator and say in the tags how you would fare if you were dropped where it generates without warning. i’ll go first i’d be dropped in the middle of the fucking south atlantic ocean and perish

I got one of those dinky little islands near the Canada-Alaska border! Total crapshoot whether I freeze to death before I find a human who’ll let me hitchhike somewhere.


Tags:

#latitude 33.54180 longitude -167.46516 #middle of goddamn nowhere roughly a thousand kilometres north of some tiny Hawaiian island #on my fifth attempt I hit land‚ in a field fifteen metres from a highway in Vietnam #(12.015250 108.135528) #I can probably work with that one #especially if I get dropped with my utility belt #(oh wow‚ WolframAlpha gives lots of neat fun facts about a coordinate point if you search for it) #(did you know that‚ while it’s merely 28C in temperature‚ the current UV index there is *13*?) #(I didn’t even know the UV index *went* that high) #(WolframAlpha helpfully informs me that very pale people such as myself should not be outside for more than 10 minutes) #(I still think I can probably make it work overall but it looks like I’m in for a nasty sunburn) #((at least on whatever parts I wasn’t able to cover up: I think I do have a *little* tube of sunscreen in my bag)) #((…wait‚ hang on‚ the weather station they’re pulling this from is *208km* away from and *640* metres below the actual point?)) #((honestly at that point they should just give up and admit that they have no idea what the weather is like there)) #also‚ congrats to the person in the notes who ended up in fucking London #(”LONDON???? I’LL LIVE BUT AT WHAT COST????”) #tag rambles #memes #maps #death tw?

And on the topic of Cary Elwes… (Iocane Powder in The Princess Bride)

greenekangaroo:

endreal:

endreal:

Remember that scene in The Princess Bride where Westley challenges Vizzini to a battle of the wits—you know, the one with the iocane powder?

The last few times I watched the movie, something about that scene didn’t set quite right with me, and I’ve been developing a theory about what’s really going on.

Westley was involved in a battle of wits against Vizzini, a battle which, necessarily, involves a certain amount of deception. I think that Westley was deceiving Vizzini about his use of the iocane powder.

Westley describes iocane powder to Vizzini as being “odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.” 

When presenting the poison to Vizzini, Westley also gives him the explicit instructions “Inhale this, but do not touch.”

While I believe Westley may truthfully have spent several years building up a resistance to the effects of iocane powder, I propose that rather than poisoning both goblets as he claimed to have done, Westley didn’t pour the iocane powder into either cup of wine!

Especially since the iocane was in powder form, I suspect that rather than being an ingested poison, it was an inhalation poison!

Vizzini wasn’t poisoned when Westley poured (or didn’t pour) iocane powder into the wine goblets, but when Westley told him to waft the vial of iocane powder. Since iocane powder is odorless, Vizzini wouldn’t have noticed that trace amounts of one of  the “more deadly poisons known to man” had been introduced into his system…trace amounts that were still enough to kill a man within minutes.

And since iocane powder came from Australia, and it’s well documented that Australia is home to some of the most venomous species of plants and animals on earth, there’s no reason not to believe that such a small quantity iocane powder could have killed a man of Vizzini’s stature.

Westley had already won the battle of wits before it had begun, and was simply stalling for time until the poison took it’s effect.

All quotes from the script accessed from this site: [X]

This is, in all likelihood, the most important post I’ve ever made on this blue-bordered website.

holy shit. 


Tags:

#interesting #Princess Bride #meta #poison cw #death tw?

feuer-bluete asked: What do you mean you hatched an egg you bought at the SUPER MARKET

steprhia:

merosmenagerie:

Ohohoho

So there’s this company in the UK, right. They brand themselves on producing fancy free range eggs and as part of that they have breed information written on the carton.

I did some snooping and found that every miracle news story of a supermarket egg hatching in the UK traced back to duck eggs, specifically the Braddock White duck eggs produced by this one company for the supermarket Waitrose.

And one day my mum brings them home and says “I bought these to eat but aren’t they the ones that hatch?”

And it’s spring and I’m hatching a ton this year so in they went.

On candling we had three fertile eggs! That’s a fertility of 50% – the same as shipped eggs from a breeder!

Hatch day comes and we get 2 ducklings, Curie and Becquerel. Sadly, Curie contracts duck septicaemia from an infected navel and doesn’t make it, but Becquerel is a healthy bird and growing like a weed.

I had put 4 breeder eggs in a week after them in case just one hatched, so Becque now has two Khaki Campbell cross friends called Tsuki and Hoshi so she isn’t lonely.

And as of today’s 7am Quacking – Becque is a female! Which means she’s capable of laying eggs and therefore I have pirated a duck.

59cb4bdeebf37b1d4d1a8d4225e7f7bdb7b1c9a0
1644f726b07c48421caba08e14da96b8271bec68
29190b4db573dc0f3129aa7fb1071dd4a4f7d4f5
23ea85d8f83064b2a59a7319798977575ad6506c
c6f4e94a9a1753b3669fa60a73caba54d2665375
49dc2a2190c60c522a3a586da82af9c1eaadd7e2
fba0d1ba1270d91a2eabaad56037f90af127c3d1
f491ff35cd047e34da936979c3a7a68ae10477e3
8c4de37df42ca236372040ae4a9ceba563d25c94

You wouldn’t download a duck

229ee96fc22db832e93321a934fa0ec0b62c8df6

Tags:

#food #ducks #adorable #death tw? #fun with loopholes #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(I did laugh at the ”pirated a duck” line‚ but‚ like‚ they *did* pay for the egg) #(I guess it’s more like DRM stripping)

grotesqueman:

grotesqueman:

it’s 11:59. Seconds before the clock strikes 12 and it’s officially my 18th birthday. “18 year olds and older, DNI” i post onto tumblr, swiping and killing half of my followers and mutuals. the clock hits 12. “Minors DNI” I post. going in for the second attack, swiping and killing the other half of my followers and mutuals.

the dust clears. the battlefield littered with bodies. only leaving the spare porn bot and sugar daddy. I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone this year.

what the fuck happens in deathnote


Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(I do not in fact know what happens in Death Note) #(I assume this is funny in a different way if you do) #Death Note #death tw? #murder cw?