mmastertheone:

Kevin: Uh… Red Velvet Oreos.

Ursula: I HAVE to give them a five, and again, as with the Chips Ahoy Root Beer and other things, this is a completely unnatural food made with alchemy. This is not food, this is extremely artificial, but it is EXACTLY what it says it is: it tastes exactly like it. It’s honestly kind of horrifying, but there you are.

Kevin: Really, the fact that it’s completely chemically made is the part that is making me allow it for a five, because those things are fucking delicious. I’d eat that whole bag!

Ursula: It’s like having sex with an android.

Kevin: …What.

Ursula: It’s like having sex with an android! It may be a physically satisfying experience, but it’s not real: there is no human connection…

Kevin: What…?

Ursula: …Fleshlight. Fleshlight’s a better one. It may be a totally sensually accurate experience, but it is still basically unnatural and there’s no love there.

Kevin: …Okay. I… don’t know what to do about that analogy. I mean, I’m tempted to take it out back and shoot it, but I can’t come up with anything better right now. So I’m just going to move on!

Ursula: So, I got yelled at once at a sex toy party! I went with my friend Carlotta, and it was a good friend Laura, who was lovely, and she did, we called them “Fuckerware parties”, where she sold vibrators and whatnot. And the end result was that there was one person in our entire social circle who knew what all of us were into that we would never admit to another soul. And they were basically Tupperware parties, except they were vibrators and whatnot. And she was very honest, I would go be like, “That thing looks interesting”, and she would be like, “Yeah, they’ll fall apart after one use, don’t bother.” …But she did yell at me once. Or rather, she gave me a very stern look. And that was when Adam and Eve (I think it was Adam and Eve who was doing it at the time) had just perfected what amounted to a fake skin texture.

Kevin: Yep.

Ursula: And they were selling dildos and vibrators in the fake skin texture (and this is why we put the adult content warning on this show). And they handing them around, and it FELT like a penis! It had skin, like a penis! This was very similar, but there was something wrong with it. And it was the Uncanny Valley of texture. It was like, it was almost perfect but it failed in some aspect and that failure made it infinitely more creepy than if it had just been, like, hard plastic. So I’m sitting there, next to I believe Carlotta, as we’re staring… Maybe it was Mur? I don’t remember, anyway, someone was with me, and we’re staring at this at this sex toy. And suddenly it hit me: it was room temperature. It wasn’t hot!

Kevin: Hahaha.

Ursula: And because I have NO tact filters, whatsoever…

Kevin: None! You should see the prep before sending her out to do a school presentation. “Don’t say fuck, don’t say fuck, don’t say fuck!”

Ursula: Yes, I spend five minutes in the car going, “Don’t say fuck, don’t say fuck, don’t say fuck!” Anyway, so… I burst out, in… Perhaps more loudly than I should have… “Oh my God, it’s cold! It’s perfect for all your necrophilia fantasies!” …And I got such a Look. I don’t happen to HAVE necrophilia fantasies, which is probably why it was creeping me the hell out. But the point is, if you make something that is absolutely 100% texturally perfect but wrong, it’s wronger than if it just wasn’t perfect. So what I am getting at, is that Red Velvet Oreos are like fucking a fake corpse. …Moving on.

Kevin: ……. I got nothin’.

Tags:

#nsfw #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #I’m quite a bit behind so I haven’t actually listened to this episode yet #but #that’s it that’s the show #(except *sometimes* there’s less sex) #(but yeah this is the show) #Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap #highly recommended