A Series of Unfortunate Events

O.L.A.F. (Odious Lusting After Fortunes) by BenedictIde

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

{{Title link: https://benedictide.itch.io/odious-lusting-after-fortunes }}

itsbenedict:

My entry for the RtB tabletop game jam is done! This is a game that exists for those of us who aren’t getting enough heinous villainy in their day-to-day, and need an opportunity to set pretend fires, commit pretend murders, and kidnap pretend orphans. Isn’t that what everyone really wants to do, deep down? Hunt down some orphans, murder the people protecting them, and abduct them in order to steal their exorbitant inheritance? Yes, is what I’ve decided the answer to that question is.

Tags:

#A Series of Unfortunate Events #games #interesting

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

thezohar:

overthestars-and-offtoneverland:

lollytea:

i like how writing realistic worlds and characters is so important for so many writers to the point where they agonize over it. meanwhile lemony snicket was just like “death to reality. im gonna write this whole ass series and with god as my witness, absolutely fucking NOBODY is gonna act like a person.”

Daniel Handler, after downing whatever the hell he was on: The baby has piranha teeth and can take a trained swordswoman in a fight. 

All of us: Fucking genius. 

readers: what time and place is this set in?
Daniel Handler: Yes.

(While this is funny, also I do wonder what reading A Series of Unfortunate Events as a young impressionable child may have done to me?)

((other than a suspicion of eye doctors, I mean [link]))

(Kid!me took everything seriously. Like, I understood the concept of fiction–at least with books; lack of exposure to fictional songs meant I didn’t really understand that songs could be fictional until around early-mid teens–and to *some* extent (but only some [link]) I had a sense of humour, but I wouldn’t have known absurdity if it bit me. And indeed, I did not notice as a child how absurd A Series of Unfortunate Events was.)

Tags:

#A Series of Unfortunate Events #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #my childhood #if there’s nothing out there‚ what was that noise?

~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

consumptive-sphinx:

Concept: the Silmarillion, in the style of Lemony Snicket

 

consumptive-sphinx:

“Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a workshop and you decide that the Silmarils would look better in your crown, and you simply grab the Silmarils and take them there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it would be excusable to grab the Silmarils, take them to your fortress, and eat them.”

 

consumptive-sphinx:

“Finrod was an Arafinwean, a word which here means ‘lithe blonde twink who, for some reason, everybody in the entire world except for Celegorm seems to underestimate.’

Curufin was smitten, a word which here means ‘not Celegorm.’”

 

consumptive-sphinx:

“Now, “in the dark” is a term meaning that one is not aware of something that is going on, and has very little to do with physical light, or the lack of such a thing. If it is a bright sunny day and you are sitting in a park and you have no idea that buried beneath your picnic spot is a treasure chest then you are in the dark not in the dark, and if it is the dead of night and you are traipsing through the woods and you are entirely aware that you are being followed by a troupe of ballerinas then you are not in the dark in the dark, and if you are sitting at your kitchen table working and you are so intent on your work that you do not even realize night has fallen then you are in the dark about being in the dark in the dark, until you look up and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark in the dark. And immediately after Melkor extinguished the Trees, all of Valinor found itself very comprehensively in the dark.”

 

consumptive-sphinx:

“Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘attempting to make amends with his half-brother who has just threatened him with a sword.’

Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘willing to trust his half-brother to bring him across an ocean in the boats they have just stolen together.’

Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘about to cross an ice bridge, having previously turned back because such a thing was clearly impossible.’

Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘about to charge an evil god and stab him with a sword.’

Fingolfin was an optimist, a word which here means ‘dead.’”

 

consumptive-sphinx:

“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats, or, in Finrod’s case, werewolves.”

Tags:

#A Series of Unfortunate Events #Lord of the Rings #(at some point I should probably rename my Middle-Earth tag to be more umbrella-y)

~ Brin ~ 1 Comment

tennfan2:

thehypnobunny:

onlyseventhoughts:

justifiedsurrender:

The thing about trying new stuff is that you acquire a whole new range of things that can inappropriately remind you of kink.

I’m at the eye doctor earlier today. I’m not even sure what this particular test is for, but you look into a box and you can see a picture of a landscape. The nurse/technician person is explaining what this is supposed to look like. I’m sure she repeats this same speech all the time and that’s why it sounds weird, but she’s saying in this slightly rising and falling voice “and just let your eyes rest on that image.” Add to that something about mentioning the picture will “drift in and out of focus,” there is a definite hypnosis-vibe going on here it is not only me. (It might be only me.) 

I wouldn’t have cared much about that by itself, but later the doctor is doing that test to look at the motion of your eyes. She’s saying “Look at the tip of my pen” while she moves it back and forth, but also using the little plastic thing on a stick to cover one of my eyes at a time. She’s doing all this pretty quickly, I’m trying to stay looking at the pen and not at the stick… And I’m thinking: hey, do you want to hear about what was going on the last time(s) someone told me to focus on something that was moving around very close to my face? No you don’t, but that would go some ways towards explaining why I’m awkwardly smiling right now and trying not to giggle.

@spiralturquoise

Oh yes. Oh yes

This happened to me on the phone the other day at work. All she was doing was thanking me, but she did it in just. the. right way.

*Giggle*

The eye doctor is the most hypnotic fucking place that mankind ever devised. The new machines in particular are just insane, but also

“Follow the light with your eyes… this way and that way… up and down…”

I MEAN COME ON MAN

Oh god, I know this feel. I have known this feel ever since I read The Miserable Mill as a child.

(And they never do say what exactly happened to Klaus in that optometrist’s office, only what he was like when he left it. That might have made it worse.)

Lately, when sitting in that patient’s chair, I tend to end up going meta. I think about all the past selves that have come before, sitting in that same chair and thinking along those same lines. It isn’t precisely the same thought each time: it changes a little, the more I know and the better I understand myself. I think, if you could go back and trace exactly what I was thinking each time I had an eye exam, year upon year, you could get a trajectory of my sexual development in a nutshell.

Tags:

#hypno-fetishism: because eye exams just weren’t uncomfortable enough already #reply via reblog #sexuality and lack thereof #eyes #A Series of Unfortunate Events #nsfw?

Image ~ ~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

dapperhatsandfancypants:

theausterevolunteer:

oscarstardis:

stillmonkeys:

From A Series of Unfortunate Events DVD commentary track.

if you haven’t watched this film with the commentary then you are missing out, it’s hilarious. “Lemony Snicket” was completely unhappy with the film and wanted no real part of it and so in the commentary he just fucks about. Seriously, at one point he gets out an accordion and drowns out the director with his playing

“nearly all of my life”

Lemony Snicket sass is what I aspire to in life.

Tags:

#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #A Series of Unfortunate Events #oh my god #Lemony Snicket snarking this movie might just make it watchable #unfortunately we don’t appear to have it in our accumulation of crappy DVDs

Quote ~ ~ Brin ~ Leave a comment

coast-modern:

The Love Letter to End All Love Letters

Dear Beatrice,
l will love you with no regard to the actions of our enemies or the jealousies of actors.

I will love you with no regard to the outrage of certain parents or the boredom of certain friends.

I will love you no matter what is served in the world’s cafeterias or what game is played at each and every recess.

I will love you no matter how many fire drills we are all forced to endure, and no matter what is drawn upon the blackboard in a blurring, boring chalk.

I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.

I will love you no matter what your locker combination was, or how you decided to spend your time during study hall.

I will love you no matter how your soccer team performed in the tournament or how many stains I received on my cheerleading uniform.

I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.

I will love you if you cut your hair and I will love you if you cut the hair of others.

I will love you if you abandon your baticeering, and I will love you if you retire from the theater to take up some other, less dangerous occupation.

I will love you if you drop your raincoat on the floor instead of hanging it up and I will love you if you betray your father.

I will love you even if you announce that the poetry of Edgar Guest is the best in the world and even if you announce that the work of Zilpha Keatley Snyder is unbearably tedious.

I will love you if you abandon the theremin and take up the harmonica and I will love you if you donate your marmosets to the zoo and your tree frogs to M.

I will love you as the starfish loves a coral reef and as kudzu loves trees, even if the oceans turn to sawdust and the trees fall in the forest without anyone around to hear them.

I will love you as the pesto loves the fetuccini and as the horseradish loves the miyagi, as the tempura loves the ikura and the pepperoni loves the pizza.

I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture.

I will love you as the doctor loves his sickest patient and a lake loves its thirstiest swimmer.

I will love you as the beard loves the chin, and the crumbs love the beard, and the damp napkin loves the crumbs, and the precious document loves the dampness in the napkin, and the squinting eye of the reader loves the smudged print of the document, and the tears of sadness love the squinting eye as it misreads what is written.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat, and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

I will love you as a child loves to overhear the conversations of its parents, and the parents love the sound of their own arguing voices, and as the pen loves to write down the words these voices utter in a notebook for safekeeping.

I will love you as a shingle loves falling off a house on a windy day and striking a grumpy person across the chin, and as an oven loves malfunctioning in the middle of roasting a turkey.

I will love you as an airplane loves to fall from a clear blue sky and as an escalator loves to entangle expensive scarves in its mechanisms.

I will love you as a wet paper towel loves to be crumpled into a ball and thrown at a bathroom ceiling and an eraser loves to leave dust in the hairdos of the people who talk too much.

I will love you as a cufflink loves to drop from its shirt and explore the party for itself and as a pair of white gloves loves to slip delicately into the punchbowl.

I will love you as a taxi loves the muddy splash of a puddle and as a library loves the patient tick of a clock.

I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes.

I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong.

I will love you as a battlefield loves young men and as peppermints love your allergies, and I will love you as the banana peel loves the shoe of a man who was just struck by a shingle falling off a house.

I will love you as a volunteer fire department loves rushing into burning buildings and as burning buildings love to chase them back out, and as a parachute loves to leave a blimp and as a blimp operator loves to chase after it.

I will love you as a dagger loves a certain person’s back, and as a certain person loves to wear daggerproof tunics, and as a daggerproof tunic loves to go to a certain dry cleaning facility, and how a certain employee of a dry cleaning facility loves to stay up late with a pair of binoculars, watching a dagger factory for hours in the hopes of catching a burglar, and as a burglar loves sneaking up behind people with binoculars, suddenly realizing that she has left her dagger at home.

I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment.

I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world.

I will love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled.

I will love you until every fire is extinguished and until every home is rebuilt from the handsomest and most susceptible of woods, and until every criminal is handcuffed by the laziest of policemen.

I will love you until M. hates snakes and J. hates grammar, and I will love you until C. realizes S. is not worthy of his love and N. realizes he is not worthy of the V.

I will love you until the bird hates a nest and the worm hates an apple, and until the apple hates a tree and the tree hates a nest, and until a bird hates a tree and an apple hates a nest, although honestly I cannot imagine that last occurrence no matter how hard I try.

I will love you as we grow older, which has just happened, and has happened again, and happened several days ago, continuously, and then several years before that, and will continue to happen as the spinning hands of every clock and the flipping pages of every calendar mark the passage of time, except for the clocks that people have forgotten to wind and the calendars that people have forgotten to place in a highly visible area.

I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close that we could slip the curved straw, and the long, slender spoon, between our lips and fingers respectively.

I will love you until the chances of us running into one another slip from skim to zero, and until your face is fogged by distant memory, and your memory faced by distant fog, and your fog memorized by a distant face, and your distance distanced by the memorized memory of a foggy fog.

I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, no matter where you avoid and who you don’t see, and no matter who sees you avoiding where you go.

I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this, and no matter how I am discovered after what happens to me happens to me as I am discovering this.

I will love you if you don’t marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else – your co-star, perhaps, or Y., or even O., or anyone Z. through A., even R. although sadly I believe it will be quite some time before two women can be allowed to marry –and I will love you if you have a child, and I will love you if you have two children, or three children, or even more, although I personally think three is plenty, and I will love you if you never marry at all, and never have children, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all, and I must say that on late, cold nights I prefer this scenario out of all the scenarios I have mentioned.

That, Beatrice, is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.

Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters
 

Tags:

#long post #A Series of Unfortunate Events #my childhood