casual reminder that i wrote an 90-page novel when i was eight about a deranged pensioner who wants to take over the world and return everything to “The Good Old Days”, and which included such choice elements as
a really neurotic vegetarian vampire
alice cooper, for no apparent reason
an evil supermodel called miranda goth
three nine-year-olds climbing mount everest in diving helmets
the entire population of scotland appearing out of literally nowhere to help defeat the antagonists
“you can take our lives but you cannot take our trousers”
a few people have been asking me to post extracts from this so uh
here’s something
#are you Douglas Adams?
THIS is the kind of writing I aspire to
Tags:
#…oh my god #I’d read it #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.
Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.
If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.
Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.
Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.
Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.
Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.
Because hell yeah – promotion via death (“Oh, our CMO bought it in that last attack? Looks like you’ve got the job now, McCoy” – what the hell, that’s not how the chain of command works!), acting captain (Spock) and ex-first officer (Kirk) get into punch-up on deck and not alone an ordinary fight, Spock is very nearly strangling him to death, and everyone just stands there and looks on? Where the hell were Security in that scene? Nobody called them? Nobody – not even McCoy – tries to pull Spock off Kirk?
We go from Spock not wanting to assign Uhura to the Enterprise in order to “avoid the appearance of favoritism” (translation: ‘everyone will think you only got the posting because we’re screwing’) to Carol Marcus and That Scene because while you do need to be good at your job, the unspoken addendum that everyone knows is that it does no harm to flash the goods for the guy in charge so he knows what’s on offer.
No rank badges on the women’s uniforms unless they’re wearing the long-sleeved version of the uniform – not that far from the midriff-baring uniforms of mirror!verse for the women.
No attempt to evacuate the people in San Francisco or even, as far as we can see, have a warning siren blaring as Enterprise and Vengeance scream through the atmosphere overhead – why, is this because screw them, they’re only dumb civilians?
The only way the scene in Starfleet Headquarters with ‘Harrison’ makes sense is if Admiral Marcus is string-pulling: “Oh my, we’re just having a top secret high security meeting with the ranking Starfleet officers after a terrorist attack on one of our facilities, so of course we’re having it in an unshielded room with ceiling-to-floor windows where the guy responsible for that bomb can fly up right up to the window and blow you all away, conveniently leaving me in sole charge to prosecute my plans”?
Heading for the mirror!verse makes a scary amount of sense. Vulcan (the voice of reason as most everyone accepts, the one planet which had a restraining effect on Terra because come on, the Tellarians and the Andorians aren’t even at the races in reboot) is gone. Starfleet is on a war footing, whether that’s admitted or not (they actively went out looking for potential threats after Nero which is how they found the Botany Bay and Khan), there’s not a word about the civilian government of the Federation – the President and Council – which makes it seem like Starfleet is the one body making decisions on a grand scale.
Nearly thirty years of paranoia after Nero (the destruction of the Kelvin may have had a huge effect on skewing the development of both Starfleet’s approach and civilian politics) resulting in militarisation, seeing enemies and potential enemies everywhere, an attitude of “you could be killed in the morning through no fault of your own”, ‘dead men’s shoes’ being acceptable as a career ladder, casual sexism and trading sexual favours for promotion/better opportunities being accepted within Starfleet, casual and routine lying on reports (see how outraged Kirk is that Spock told the truth about what happened on Nibiru!) leading to blatant ditching of the Prime Directive, the perception that the only way Terra will be truly safe is to get them before they can get us – it’s easy to see it happening.
Maybe the reason we don’t hear about Tarsus IV and how it affected reboot Kirk (because a traumatic event like that would certainly explain why he turned out to be “the Mid-West’s only genius-level repeat offender”) is that in this universe, the Governor is not regarded as Kodos the Executioner, but Kodos the Saviour – after all, he kept half the population alive until the relief ships could arrive, and without his forward thinking, determination and leadership, a lot more people would have died for no good reason (instead of being sacrificed as ‘useless mouths’ for the fit to survive).
I mean the mirrorverse has its own backstory but “most worlds converge on mirrorverse-ish stuff” is also cool!
In honor of #SharkWeek and #TBT we bring you the RAREST SHARK IN THE WORLD… THE GARDEN SHARK!
often found where dandelions grow or in patches of clover, the garden shark is harmless as long as you are not in the path of said noms. If you find yourself in between a garden shark and a dandelion well best of luck to you and your toes.
This maple leaf pin (picture of moose quarter for scale) was given to me by the Canadian government as a citizenship gift.
This was my third Canada Day as a citizen, and my ninth as a resident. I had a pretty quiet day today: I didn’t go to any parties, I didn’t watch the fireworks (they’re too loud, and I’m not much into pretty things). But I ate strawberry shortcake for dessert (family tradition; it’s red and white, you see), and I wore my pin, and I remembered my oath.
I swear
That I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second
Queen of Canada
Her heirs and successors
And that I will faithfully observe
The laws of Canada
And fulfil my duties
As a Canadian citizen.
Tags:
#our home and cherished land #oh look an original post #food mention
Another reason to turn on replies: Starting today, you can delete any unwanted ones from your post notes. Just tap the note you don’t want to see, select the relevant option, and away it’ll go. (If it’s not on your own original post, tapping the note lets you report it to our support team.)
You can also hide inappropriate reblog comments using the same technique.
Just a little tweak to give you more control over your notescape. Enjoy.
Have you heard the good news? Now you can delete and report replies.
Tags:
#PSA #the more you know #The Great Tumblr Apocalypse