how do I pass out food at a protest and then immediately leave without seeming extremely fucking shady
Use food pre-sealed by [companies with good food-safety rep]? Maybe granola bars or something like that.
I mean, I suppose there are *some* protests where that wouldn’t go over well (such as protests against corporations that manufacture granola bars), but it seems like it would work in many cases.
Tags:
#admittedly I do not have much first-hand experience with protests #so I might be misunderstanding which aspect you think will look shady #reply via reblog #food #politics mention
My wife and I were were talking the other day and, I don’t remember what we were even talking about, but the idea came up that we would need an oreo for. I joked about getting one from my secret stash. This is where she made her mistake. She said “oh right, like you could have an Oreo stash without me knowing about it.”
I’m sorry?
That’s a challenge.
Oreos aquired.
I’m going to hide them in a super simple place at first
But be sure to follow this post while I chronicle all the ways and places I hide them and also how I plan on taunting her with cookies while she can’t find the package
Time to up the stakes. It was fun having em here and hiding them around her while she didn’t know what was happening. Bit now it’s time for her to be in on the game she is playing
If you two weren’t already married I’d beg you to marry her because you two are obviously perfect for each other and I love this post with all my heart
You like that eh? Well you are going to love today’s installment
Look at that. So sad. So few Oreos left
Guess I’ll just pin em right to the middle of the wall in the middle of the living room. She’ll never find em there
Oh, guess I should put this back up
Bwa ha ha ha! You guys! You guys don’t understand! I was planning on doing this and when I got home and looked at it I was like “aww, it’s too thin. They won’t fit.” I even TOLD my wife this and how I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to hide them back there.
But then I looked again. They dooooo
Thank you all so much for the love. I knew y’all would like this, but I had no idea you would like it THIS MUCH. People calling us “goals” and stuff… Man…. It’s kinda hard to take in ya know? Anyways: if this post gets Over 9000™ before I get off work today I will pick up Halloween Oreos on my way home and this will not stop
Ohmygosh oh. my. gosh. You guys. Near disaster. Check this shiz out:
Wife and I were sewing Elly’s Halloween costume up
Yea, she is going to be a spider and it’s super cute and all but. But. Loooook
Holy actual shit the Oreos fell out from the table literally next to her.
The moment she got up I threw them into the closet
Also:shout out to whoever it was that lost a follower for this post
Sry bout that eh.
Tags:
#food #long post #this reminds me of multiple parts of my childhood simultaneously #(1: afikomen hunts) #(2: when I was two my parents tested my reading comprehension by) #(hiding a package of Oreos under the bed‚ giving me a note reading ”the cookies are under the bed”‚ and seeing if I could find the cookies #) #((at age two I was at the stage (which non-hyperlexics generally do at around 4 or 5) where you can do text-to-speech but)) #((it takes so much brainpower you don’t have any leftover to *understand* what you’re reciting)) #((so tiny!me could not find the cookies))
i’ve been getting a lot of comments about how i pulled off my last Hidden Walmart exploit so i thought i’d go ahead and make a basic guide on how to do it. i’m no expert and be aware that you do this at your own risk
What is a Hidden Walmart?
most people have at least one walmart in their city. but what if i told you that there’s nearly always an extra walmart that you can’t see? to understand why, you need to dial the clock back to 1967. the founder of walmart, sam walton, had finally begun mass expansion across the US. it had already opened nearly 30 stores, and was at no sign of stopping. sam walton was projected to become a tycoon with his fair prices and business skills, but there was one thing holding him back: bubble-gum.
sam walton was a fervent believer that bubble gum was made from spider eggs. he was convinced that spider eggs were ground up and mixed into the sticks of chewable candy, but also was sure that bubble gum companies would cut back costs on their spider-proofing technology with the anti-sugar hysteria that was still sizzling in american suburbia, causing some embedded spider eggs to make it through the proofing process. sam walton theorized that the spider eggs would be mutated by human bodily fluids and give birth to a race of giant superspiders that would hatch from the inside of its victims and wreak havoc on his country. but sam walton was also notoriously circumspect, and was determined to preserve the legacy of his grocer chain at all costs.
after only a few years into the expansion of walmart stores, sam walton signed a behind-the-scenes contract with the stuhler construction company. the agreement obligated the construction firm to build a near-identical, underground walmart directly underneath the original. the only differences between the “Hidden Walmart” (HWM) and the “Root Walmart” (RWM) are that the Hidden Walmart is devoid of entrances and exits of any kind. in addition, every Hidden Walmart is fitted with a very primitive scanner designed to detect the presence of any arachnid buds, which would then lead to the underground building to saturate itself with high doses of gamma radiation if the scanners read anything.
the intention was clear: sam walt wanted to create a series of underground walmarts designed to persist and thrive while the surface world was ravaged by overgrown spiders. obviously, the spider apocalypse never happened, but for legal reasons the walton family today is still obligated to honor sam’s corporate order, so even the newest walmart stores today have hidden counterparts. the walmarts themselves are devoid of any staff, and it’s unknown how exactly anyone was supposed to enter the buildings (the area around the Hidden Walmart is always filled with cement), but this is where my tip comes in, because believe it or not, there is a way to get into your local Hidden Walmart.
Preparation
if you do not prepare for your venture into a hidden walmart, you risk death, or at least serious injury. thankfully, prep is minimum, and can change the outcome of your exploration. it’s advised you wear thick clothing, because the Hidden Walmart will be at least one mile underground, and devoid of sunlight. anything warm will do, but it’s crucial, and i mean crucial, that you wear a pair of reebok walking shoes.it’s not known why, but they seem to be one of the main things that allow you to enter any Hidden Walmart. anything made before 2001 will not work. generally, white pairs work the best, but i don’t think you need to be a stickler for color.
the other thing you’re going to need is a bag of flaming hot cheetoes. just trust me on this. i’ll explain why later.
Queering the HWM
now you have the necessary stuff, so let’s get to Hidden Walmart spelunking. first you’re going to need to pick a walmart, which shouldn’t be hard.once you’ve arrived at the Root Walmart, you’re gonna need to find the hardware section, which will either be labeled simply “Hardware” or “Home Detailing Appliances”.find a nail gun in the aisle, generally any will do. after finding it, you need to lie it perpendicularly against the bottom part of the rack, at least between 90° and less than 180°. from there, you’re gonna want to find a corner in the aisle. if there is no corner, you’re probably just gonna have to find another store. when you get to the corner, you need to bend over, rear facing the wall, and touch both feet with your hands. hold that pose for about 20 seconds, and you’ll feel a weight pulling on you. keep holding. what’s happening is the nail gun‘s mapping is starting to collide with yours, causing you to build up speed. at exactly one minute, let go, and if you do it right, you should clip through the ground at long enough of a distance until you suddenly pop right into the Hidden Walmart. you’ve done it.
Arrival
i’m not gonna lie. there isn’t much to do at a Hidden Walmart. the merchandise at it will be as old as the walmart above it, meaning you won’t be finding anything new unless the walmart is ~2 years old.visiting Hidden Walmarts is a way of exploring the untouched and, depending on the walmart’s age, traveling back to the past. one thing i forgot to mention: if you visit the Hidden Walmart and you have eaten in the past 3 – 5 hours, do not enter the makeup or book sections of the store. those are generally where the spider-egg scanners are positioned. it’s a primitive technology that hasn‘t been developed since the 60s, and it’s been known to mistake still-digesting organic matter in a person’s body for spider eggs. if you pass those areas after recently eating, you risk enduring lethal amounts of radiation.
Finishing the Adventure
so you’ve explored the Hidden Walmart, and seen everything there is to see. but there are no doors or exits! how do you get home? this is where the flaming hot cheetos bag comes in. technically, when you’re in the Hidden Walmart, you’re still in the Root Walmart as well. consider it like the Root Walmart unknowingly giving you a “preview” of the Hidden Walmart, although your body in the Hidden Walmart is very much real. however, when someone “previewing” a Hidden Walmart makes a sound at a high enough decibel, the Root Walmart automatically reacts by ripping the visitor in the HWM out of the store and back into the original. the human voice isn’t capable of that, but the loud popping sound of a flaming hot cheetos bag is. i don’t know why it’s specifically flaming hot cheetos. some of my friends have said the capsacin in the snack make the air inside more brittle and loud, but i don’t know if that’s true. at any rate, it ought to take you back to the original walmart so you can return home.
this is an amateur guide, like i said, but hopefully this should give you guys a kickstart into the world of Hidden Walmarts. if you have any extra advice you’d like me to add onto the guide, please message me! happy HWMing!
EDIT: fellow HWMer circutspit has just notified me saying that it’s also for the best that you avoid all canines for at least a week after visiting your local Hidden Walmart. for some reason, the process of noclipping leaves an odor that’s undetectable to most animals except dogs, and they just happen to attack anything that smells of it. thanks for the tip!
Tags:
#unreality cw #death mention #food mention #spider #body horror #storytime #I often enjoy reading video-game guides even if they’re for games I don’t play #and I’ve found that this can extend to fictional video games
the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
Also, look- a dragon can go fuck whatever it wants, right?
But how many of those planetars or giants or whatever are then gonna head off and compose a majestic and memorable canticle about how great that dragon was in the sack?
tbh the only evidence i need that harry’s a gryffindor is the fact that he kept going back to the forbidden forest after voldemort tried to kill him, aragog tried to eat him, lupin turned into a wolf and attacked him, the dementors tried to kiss him, barty crouch was murdered and turned into a bone, umbridge was kidnapped by centaurs,, boy had to die in that forest before he stopped going back
we have no evidence he stopped
Harry James Potter, deep in the forbidden forrest, fully aware of the centaur archers watch on him, followed by a string of spiders, the ghosts of death eaters killed in the battle of hogwarts circling his head as they wail for his blood: lovely day for a picnic
Tags:
#Harry Potter #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #death tw
(Specifically, I’m in the one-year† accounting certificate program. This then leads into the two-year† advanced accounting certificate, and from there a bachelor’s.)
I’m coming up on the end of this semester, and next semester I’m going to take a course (microeconomics) that–though mandatory for accounting–doesn’t fit into any of my remaining slots for a CS program, so I figured it was time.
—
†”Year” here being a standardised unit of measurement meaning “10 courses”. At my current part-time rate I expect it will take me about two years to get the first-level certificate.
Tags:
#adventures in University Land #oh look an original post #oh look an update #a couple nights ago #(after I’d already decided to do this) #Mom and I were talking about how my ”first job” was accounting data-entry #when I was a pre-teen Dad would give me a nickel for every receipt I typed into his household-expense-tracking program #”we should have known then” she said‚ only partly joking #(I wrote this draft a couple days ago) #(today I took my final exam for this course and signed up for econ) #((I didn’t *have* to do them in that order that’s just how it worked out)) #(I’m going to take a week off from school and then get a head start on reading the economics textbook) #(it’s an ebook so it’ll probably have arrived by then)
Look I DON’T CARE if I won’t haVE TIme FoR reading I WILL BRING MY BOOK ANYWAY cause having a book with you when you go somewhere is such a good feeling, OKAY?
Tags:
#yes this #I bring paper books a lot less often than I used to #(I’m more strongly germophobic now that I work at an outside-the-home non-freelance customer-facing job) #(there are never times anymore where I can just take a week off from my life with no knock-on effects) #(if I get sick every possible response involves letting a bunch of people down) #(including my future selves who needed those wages for food and shelter and stuff) #((yes of course I take the stay-home response)) #((I am neither amoral enough nor desperate enough to sink to such levels of evil)) #((and my boss gives out unpaid leave very freely as long as you tell him in advance or have a decent reason why you couldn’t have known)) #anyway my point was that paper books are kind of a pain to disinfect #and if you have a dedicated Outside Book you won’t make much progress in it because yeah there often *isn’t* time for reading #what I do have is a vast and ever-expanding archive stored on my smartphone #much of it in the form of text #and quite a bit of that in the form of ebooks #I agree that it’s not *quite* the same visceral feeling as clutching a chunk of paper to you #but I find it does manage to capture *most* of the comforting emotions #tag rambles #in which Brin has a job #Brin owns *two* 2010’s computers now #tangents #I guess I’m in a tag-rambly mood today
does anyone else have a Misophonic Anger Switch and a Misophonic Shame Switch that are triggered by totally different categories of sound? I just want to go up to evolution and ask it w hat
Tags:
#yes this #(I was gonna say I don’t know whether I qualify as misophonic) #(but then I looked it up and apparently nobody *else* knows who qualifies either‚ so) #((although with the anger one I’m not sure if it’s really *those* sounds)) #((or if I’m just very general-sound-sensitive right after eating dinner)) #church bells chiming out hymns manage to sound like unfulfilled obligations #sometimes I wonder if they do it deliberately to try to convince lapsed churchgoers to return #but the effect seems to get weaker the more familiar you are with the song #and lapsed churchgoers would presumably be pretty familiar with *all* the songs #so maybe not #(one time I was staying in a place within earshot of a church that chimed two hymns three times a day) #(and a person came door-to-door asking for signatures for a petition) #(about noise pollution) #(from the *trains*) #((however I was not the one who answered the door)) #((so I had no chance to tell him his noise-pollution priorities were sorely misplaced)) #tag rambles #is the blue I see the same as the blue you see #misophonia
ghosts stay around because of unfinished business, and there’s a lot of unfinished business in space
***
My new book is out now! It’s called HOW TO INVENT EVERYTHING and it’s a survival guide for the stranded time traveler. It’s also the most dangerous book ever in time. I really think you’ll love it. With it, I really think you’ll make history… better. Find out more here!
Tags:
#the comic is nice but the part of this post that most interests me is actually the book ad #that book looks like my jam #comic #ghost #101 Uses for Infrastructureless Computers
when u go to the Very Small Shelf in the library that has info on ur Very Specific Niche Research Topic Of The Day and u go to pick out a book and they stick together bc they’ve been pressed into other books without moving for so long and some of the books are typed in weird typewriter font with huge spacing instead of regular shit and they have old analog library cards that were only punched one (1) time in 1983 like thats when u kno ur In Deep and u gotta like prepare urself….. u could find anything in that shit once u pass like the first bookshelf like its completely free game anything could happen bc u KNO that shit hasn’t been even glanced at in 200 years….open up the 1904 volume of Modern Dick Aerodynamics to the 4832954th page u gonna find a letter in morse code like “i leavith with mine cow for the countryside at dawn”
i know u were prob talking about said specific medieval historians but in the context of science and academia as a whole ‘love to the ghosts who taught me everything i know’ is one of the most emotionally charged things ive ever heard and it resonates so fiercely with the old untouched environments of university libraries suddenly disturbed by young curious souls that i described in the original post tbh thank you i want to get it tattooed on my body
Tags:
#history #and I feel like this also qualifies for #the wondrous variety of sapient life
