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brin-bellway:

*

Is it just me, or does adolescent brain development feel from the inside like getting better at *fear*?

They told me I’d get better impulse control in my early twenties, and in a way I suppose I did. But what it felt like was that I’d finally cultivated fear to the point that it could consistently outweigh anger, that even in the midst of rage I was still paralysed by the terror of what people would do to me if I lashed out.

They told me I’d get more susceptible to peer pressure in my teens, and in a way I suppose I did. But what it felt like was an acute awareness that literally anyone could hurt me (deprive me of resources, beat me up, potentially in extreme cases kill me) if crossed; I would not be able to stop them until it was too late, and in many cases I would not be able to stop them at all. There’s no such thing as peer pressure because there’s no such thing as *peers*: everyone is potentially dangerous, and everyone must be appeased.

(Ever since puberty, I have never had a relationship† between equals. The closest I’ve come is relationships where each person believes themself to be of inferior rank to the other.

I used to worry what it said about me that my closest friendships are always with people who are scared of me, but perhaps it’s just that *I’m* going to be scared of *them* regardless, and so them being scared too is the only way to even things out enough.)

†in the broad sense


Tags:

#oh look an original post #is the blue I see the same as the blue you see #violence cw #abuse cw?


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