Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
Yes, of course I’ve heard what the superstitious locals say: “Stay out of the mountains! There’s no shelter on those harsh peaks, and every last combe and glen is infested with killer spiders!”. They say there’s no way to safely cross that mountain range – anyone trying to rest high up on the peaks will die of exposure, lashed by cruel icy winds. Better that, though, than to risk seeking shelter in the forested vales.
The Crawling Death, they call it. Great glossy black eight-legged fiends, some small enough to creep between the rings of your maille, some large as a splayed hand and quick as a cat, and some – so they say – the size of dogs. Or swine. Or cart-horses. The tales have been exaggerated in the telling, of course, since hardly anyone dares venture far into the gullies and ravines that lace between the majestic peaks (most certainly not at night, when the Crawling Death make their appearance, silent as a shadow).
Even if they’re not quite as large as people say, they’re certainly no less deadly. The king’s physicians, who had the unenviable task of tending to the survivors of the last failed expedition, wrote down in stomach-turning detail the precise symptoms of that merciless venom. Erupting blisters the size of a hen’s egg. Flesh blackening, rotting, and sloughing away from the bone. Sweating, drooling, trembling, nausea, vomiting, ranting and raving and spasming like a creature possessed until death seems like a mercy. Others were gripped with a pain unmatched by any wound of war, paired (curiously) with an erection hard as any standing stone.
And yet, in spite of all this, I’m planning an expedition into the mountains. It’s true, I haven’t the equipment with me to safely shelter from the bitter cold above the tree-line, out of the reach of skittering legs and poison-slick fangs. I have no blessing from the gods, and no miracle of alchemy intended to keep the Crawling Death at bay. What I do have, though, is a map. A map from a past age, a more enlightened age, where the cartographers had a decent understanding of the sciences, rather than the encyclopaedic knowledge of rumour and superstition that seems to be the requirement for a mapmaker these days. And from this map – and the journals that I found with it – I have deduced one particularly salient fact, that I am convinced will allow me to make the journey through the supposedly arachnid-infested ravines in perfect safety.
The superstitious peasants might say every last one of those valleys is crawling with deadly poisonous creatures, but in fact, most of them are utterly empty and safe! However, my map has revealed the source of this rumour: Spiders Gorge, which contains over ten thousand spiders, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.
(BTW: I think this place should exist in the story.)
Tags:
#…oh my god #spider #Spiders Georg #storytime

My Wife the Bees
@ rationalist tumblr
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #there is some context to this I swear #bees
Ranger: I’m going to stab you…
Wizard: With that?
Ranger: A +1 dagger!
Wizard: And?
Rogue: AND YOU’LL BE +1 DEAD!
Tags:
#death tw
This clock is so redundant and I love it
comparativelysuperlative IT’S A TAUTOLOGY CLOCK
Even a broken tautology clock is right 24/7.
Tags:
#clock #recursion
Share how you feel.
[image description: The text “RentalQuale”. The word “Rental” is black and in Fira Sans, a simple sans-serif font, with a somewhat thin (“Book”) line weight. The word “Quale” is in Pecita, a cursive font that looks somewhat like handwriting, in a sky-blue color.]
“Welcome to RentalQuale, you’re guaranteed to feel something or your money back.”
“Yes, could I see your largest bird?”
“What? Oh, you’re thinking of Quails. We only have Quales. With an e.”
“Oh, well now I’m disappointed”
“Glad to hear it. That’ll be $10.45″
Tags:
#qualia #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
people arguing that appending “gate” to every controversial thing is stupid (gategate)
a bunch of people yelling in exasperation that the above argument is even a thing (gategategate)
When we finally decide to put a stop to this madness and lock everyone out of the Discourse.
(gategategategate)
we should put big fences around areas where Discourse is allowed, so we can have people enter The Gategategategate Gate
I’m excited that “-ghazi” appears to be taking off as a suffix for trumped up scandals
You should make a really inflammatory post about this so we can argue whether it should be ghazighazi or ghazigate.
Then we should discuss the effects of this on the US presidential election, and whether Hilary Clinton has responded adequately to Ghazigateghazi.
Tags:
#language #recursion #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
Well, there’s no arguing with that.
Tags:
#Scientology #:D