#Star Trek #DS9 #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #there is probably some warning tag I should put on this but I am not sure what
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #conspiracy theories #Doom #there is probably some warning tag I should put on this but I am not sure what
I wasn’t going to reblog this, but it’s the first tag-yourself meme I’ve seen that’s actually accurate. (Which is saying something, considering how many tag-yourself memes I’ve seen.)
Tags:
#lawful/neutral ace #I have no idea where I would even *get* flamingo feathers but other than that #asexuality #meme #there is probably some warning tag I should put on this but I am not sure what #homophobia?
A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.
I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and dangerous. If you didn’t die from coal lung you’d die from cave-ins, and if you didn’t die from either of those, you’d starve to death on the miniscule wages they paid you. The mine just up the hill from us was the worst. The manager had an extortion racket that he was keeping hidden from the owners – he would demand a “tribute” of 50% of the day’s wages from each of his miners, or he would think up a reason to get them fired. Pay was starvation level even without giving the manager his cut, and so after a few months of this tribute the miners became pale, sickly, and emaciated. Paradoxically, they started working harder and harder, hoping they would strike it rich enough to get a bonus that they could use to get out of that awful place.
One of the miners worked even harder than the others. He just kept digging and digging, and when he looked back, he’d gone too far, left everyone else behind, and couldn’t find his way back. Life out there was so bad he found he barely cared. He just kept digging and digging and digging, figuring that working himself to death was as good a way to go as any other.
Finally he came to a vein of rock darker than any he’d ever seen before, and when he broke through it – wham! – he had dug all the way to Hell. Satan came over to meet him, and told the miner that they had a problem. He couldn’t stay in Hell, because he wasn’t a sinner. But he couldn’t go back either, because the rules say no mortal may leave Hell alive. So Satan offered him a deal – he would transform the man into a vengeful ghost, who could spend eternity possessing mortals and driving them to madness.
The miner thought a bit, but he wasn’t convinced. The only guy he wanted to possess and drive to madness was his evil manager who had stolen a tribute from every one of his paychecks. After getting revenge on him, he wasn’t sure he wanted an eternity of possessing random other people. Satan suggested that maybe he could spend eternity possessing people and talking about how evil his manager was, so as to make his name forever dishonored. The man thought that was a good idea, and so with a word Satan transformed him into a spirit. He spent a while haunting his evil manager, then after that possessed random other people in the area to give monologues on how exploitative his manager’s labor practices were.
And so, I finished, sometimes, on nights much like tonight, with groups of campers much like our own…
“Hold on,” interrupted my friend. “Is this going to end with you saying that you’re possessed right now, and that’s why you’re telling us this story?”
“Um,” I said…“I guess that…”
Just then the police burst into our tent. “Stop right there!” said one of the officers. “You’re under arrest!”
“For what?” I asked.
“Possession by a miner within tent to diss tribute.”
This was hilarious.
(ignoring the last 3 lines) For a ghost story featuring Hell, this is a remarkably non-terrible resolution, too.
Tags:
#ghost #puns #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(knew from the start this was leading up to a joke) #(but didn’t predict which joke)
as a kid i always thought gotham was in michigan because i thought it was a midwestern city like chicago, and there was always shit going down at the pier or in abandoned factories and if michigan has anything it’s a lot of piers and abandoned factories. anyway turns out it’s probably in jersey.
one of the most heavily forested states in the country with 20 million acres of forests oh my god poison ivy would be so powerful the second she got outside city limits fuck
there’s 20 million acres of this and she’s got plant powers no wonder they want her on lockdown
there are more than 6,000 shipwrecks in the great lakes how many supervillain origin stories is that good for
“63 commercial ports handled 173 million tons of cargo in 2006″ aka holy shit that is a lot of opportunities for boatcrimes
mr freeze has a pretty tragic origin story but if you had to put up with michigan winters and then some motherfucker showed up freezing the town outside of freezing season you would have no mercy
MOTHERFUCKER I JUST PUT MY SNOWBLOWER IN STORAGE DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW
imagine batman giving someone directions by pointing to his hand
“we believe killer croc is somewhere around here” he says pointing to the tip of his thumb
good fucking luck finding stats on abandoned buildings in michigan but holy shit are there a lot of them, no wonder they’re always having fights in abandoned factories and empty warehouses
“kitty why are you including that map of the railroads like it’s relevant” because when you’re trying to sleep and you hear a train in the distance it’s fucking spooky okay
i have no evidence that traincrime is an issue for batman i’m just saying the ambiance is there
that’s what i thought but apparently metropolis is new york during the day and gotham is new york at night which means the dc universe has three new yorks which i think even new yorkers can agree is too many
when i was a kid i used to slide down the slopes made by snowplows on my stomach which i feel is relevant to the penguin
there’s always a ton of cars from the 30s driving around gotham which makes perfect sense if it’s in michigan because that’s when we made cars and we’re not over it
rick snyder and his emergency managers are basically supervillains and i want batman to punch them
michigan is closer to kansas which means bruce can visit clark’s parents and then they’re emailing clark about what a nice young man he is and there’s nothing clark can do about it
if someone said that a city in michigan had been hijacked by an evil clown that was only stopped when a man in an animal costume kicked him in the face would you even blink
this is meadow brook hall in rochester mi
this is the charles t fisher house
here’s the james scott residence
welcome to michigan hope u like houses with turrets and fucked up clowns and evil men poisoning the water
Headcanon accepted, Gotham is definitely in Michigan. (Doesn’t Gotham have docks in at least one canon- one of the cartoons, I think? So it must be somewhere on the lake…)
if teenagers are ever being mean to you just pull out any miscellaneous item you have on you at the moment and make up some bullshit term to scare them
teenagers: we are going to unlawfully take your money me *taking car keys out of my pocket*: say, have any of you ever had a Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch…….
teenagers: we are going to call you mean names me *taking Costco brand pair of socks out of my purse*: it’s been a while since i gave someone a Tropic Of Capricorn………….
teenagers: i am preparing to steal an automotive vehicle me *taking out a roll of dental floss*: keep this sort of behavior up and you’re going to get the Rick Astley’s Crochet
teenagers: i plan to do acts of physical hooliganism! me *takes a Bop It out of my pocket*: I don’t normally do this but I’ll enjoy giving you a North Carolina Senator G.K. Butterfield
When I was 12 and my brother was five, I convinced him that kitten huffing was an actual thing. I then placed my mouth on the top of his head and sucked. He cried and begged me to return his soul.
#the inside of my head on a bad brain day #the really nasty part is that thinking in terms of ‘mandatory’ and ‘permitted’ and ‘forbidden’ #rather than ‘right’ and ‘okay’ and ‘wrong’ #is itself forbidden #sometimes I think my home culture could stand to be a bit more *overtly* authoritarian #because supposed anti-authoritarianism #tends to be a euphemism for ‘one of our rules is to never admit that we have rules’ #’even to yourself’ #and that’s just cruel #(I suspect this post ties into the recent Sorting Hat post in some way) #there is probably some warning tag I should put on this but I am not sure what
And what you should do is to put this over an actual trap, like a hole in the floor so people will be like “Oh ha ha ha that’s soooo funny, it’s a rug!” And then fall through it.
It gets better — I tracked down the source (because I wanted one for the Bartment) and that entire image — including the floor around the carpet — is a trompe l’eoil painting.
So in theory you could really fuck people up and hang it on your wall.
Brinens and Things 