femmeprince:

lalaithion:

kuklarusskaya:

geeofficerkrupke:

One time, the Queen of England decided to knight a loyal member of her country who happened to be Jewish. 

This man knew that knights were supposed to say something in Latin as the Queen knighted them, but didn’t remember the line, so he quickly said “ma nishtana halaila hazeh micol haleilot”

This, of course, confused the Queen, who turned to her advisor and asked “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

GROAAANNN

this is one of the best jewish jokes I have possibly ever heard

Passover is coming up soon so I thought I’d bring this back.

@chroniclesofrettek I’m sure you have heard this one before. But it seemed right to tag you.


Tags:

#Judaism #Passover #…oh dear god #puns

sinesalvatorem:

paracartography:

Yes, of course I’ve heard what the superstitious locals say: “Stay out of the mountains! There’s no shelter on those harsh peaks, and every last combe and glen is infested with killer spiders!”. They say there’s no way to safely cross that mountain range – anyone trying to rest high up on the peaks will die of exposure, lashed by cruel icy winds. Better that, though, than to risk seeking shelter in the forested vales.

The Crawling Death, they call it. Great glossy black eight-legged fiends, some small enough to creep between the rings of your maille, some large as a splayed hand and quick as a cat, and some – so they say – the size of dogs. Or swine. Or cart-horses. The tales have been exaggerated in the telling, of course, since hardly anyone dares venture far into the gullies and ravines that lace between the majestic peaks (most certainly not at night, when the Crawling Death make their appearance, silent as a shadow).

Even if they’re not quite as large as people say, they’re certainly no less deadly. The king’s physicians, who had the unenviable task of tending to the survivors of the last failed expedition, wrote down in stomach-turning detail the precise symptoms of that merciless venom. Erupting blisters the size of a hen’s egg. Flesh blackening, rotting, and sloughing away from the bone. Sweating, drooling, trembling, nausea, vomiting, ranting and raving and spasming like a creature possessed until death seems like a mercy. Others were gripped with a pain unmatched by any wound of war, paired (curiously) with an erection hard as any standing stone.

And yet, in spite of all this, I’m planning an expedition into the mountains. It’s true, I haven’t the equipment with me to safely shelter from the bitter cold above the tree-line, out of the reach of skittering legs and poison-slick fangs. I have no blessing from the gods, and no miracle of alchemy intended to keep the Crawling Death at bay. What I do have, though, is a map. A map from a past age, a more enlightened age, where the cartographers had a decent understanding of the sciences, rather than the encyclopaedic knowledge of rumour and superstition that seems to be the requirement for a mapmaker these days. And from this map – and the journals that I found with it – I have deduced one particularly salient fact, that I am convinced will allow me to make the journey through the supposedly arachnid-infested ravines in perfect safety.

The superstitious peasants might say every last one of those valleys is crawling with deadly poisonous creatures, but in fact, most of them are utterly empty and safe! However, my map has revealed the source of this rumour: Spiders Gorge, which contains over ten thousand spiders, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.

ilzolende

(BTW: I think this place should exist in the story.)


Tags:

#…oh my god #spider #Spiders Georg #storytime

justice-turtle:

See, the thing about Pluto is that as a planet it never really fit in. It hung out with the planets because there weren’t really a lot of other options, but it was always the weird kid that kept wandering off by itself.

So we looked around and found Pluto some critters like itself to make friends with. They’re all long-distance from each other and a bit scattered, and as far as a name for their shared identity they’re very much in the teenage experimenting-with-words phase, but Pluto feels a lot better now. We don’t have to be sad for it not being a planet anymore, it found an identity that fits it better. :-)


Tags:

#Pluto #…oh my god #that’s a very sweet way of looking at it

ilzolende:

thetransintransgenic:

[Note: I’m not endorsing (or, by this disclaimer, criticizing) the viewpoint presented here. I’m just claiming that this is a viewpoint that someone could conceivably hold.]

We are at a unique period of human history where our greatest trials come not from nature, but from ourselves. We have freed ourselves from the simple lack of necessary resources. Through the rigors of science we have freed ourselves from the iron grip of ignorance. Through vaccines and antibiotics we have defeated disease. And so on – fewer and fewer trials to humanity remain, that derive from our world and our place in the universe.

But nevertheless trials remain. Trials which threaten to tear our race and our planet apart. I speak, of course, of pointless destruction of people and property for the sake of the pointless hate of racism, and the dangerous and short-thinking violence we are commiting to our environment, our ecosystems, and our earth. These two, colossal trials parallel in their source in humanity, and yet parallel too in their solution.

For the problems of environmentalism, and the problems of racism, there is no single solution to be found. There is no scientific method by which a few people, giants standing on giants, can defeat racism. There is no vaccine to cure the environment. Any solution which can be found – which must be found, which WILL be found – must come from and be carried out by every person, every component of humanity, as one. As one human race we must dig inside our souls, and find slumbering there the compassion for our fellow humans, for our human race as a whole, for our planet, and for our future, and the creativity to make all of those things better.

But despite that – despite the odds, despite the trials and the naysayers and those, even, who actively oppose these goals – I still believe in humanity. I believe that every person has the capacity to wake up, to dredge up from the foundation of their souls the fundamental and yet revolutionary idea that their fellow human beings are HUMAN BEINGS, regardless of color. I believe that every person has, sleeping inside of them, thousands and millions of those revolutionary ideas, each one able to prop up nature just one more little bit. I believe that such slumbering ideas of such human compassion are the singular components that define the human experience.
I believe this because I can see no other option – no other possibility that could save our collective future but this compassion, these individual ideas of humanity that will collectively destroy the twin evils of racism and environmental negligence. And so I can do nothing but believe, and pray – in the deepest parts of my soul – that in every man, woman and child in this country and in the world, colorless green ideas sleep, furiously.

[Vaguely inspired by Shaenon Garrity’s short story, which you all should read.]

thetransintransgenic’s tags: #Linguistics#Context is EVERYTHING#wordplay#SUCK IT Chomsky#Also Shaenon’s story is an interesting possible-counterpoint to one of the points in#ozymandias271#’s recent post on languages#In which Gadit Rants#(But like not actually about my opinions…)#Maybe I need a fic tag


Tags:

#…oh my god #language

cosmictuesdays:

camwyn:

graphicnerdity:

It’s all Harry’s fault. Well, partially. I suppose Voldemort can be saddled with an equal portion of the blame. The point is, the Dursleys were just minding their own business when a horcrux was dumped on their doorstep. For the next decade it proceeded to warp their minds, turning them from your garden variety insufferable human beings into horrible, heartless monsters. The fact that they survived such prolonged horcrux exposure without delving into insanity or abandoning a helpless child only solidifies their place among the pantheon of noble and virtuous heroes in the Harry Potter universe.

*Mic drop*

That… actually does kind of explain an awful lot, dunnit.

Damn, that’s some twisted meta.

…I thought this was going to be a “just say no to Horcruxes” joke.


Tags:

#Harry Potter #meta #…oh my god #I laughed at ‘Weasley children are particularly susceptible’ #and then I just stopped and stared #oh god

letstalkabouttrek:

I just realized that the episode where they pilot a Jem’Hadar ship

the ship that doesn’t have any chairs on it

is called “A Time to Stand”

that is officially the best and worst pun of all time oh my god


Tags:

#Star Trek #DS9 #puns #oh my god #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog