You’re just not ready. At no point in this video when he says the next thing are you ready.
original transcription by @psychopompsglomps but edited by me for small corrections
[Video ID: TikTok video from user luke.kidgell, a stand-up comedian, two and a half minutes in length. The video is entirely trained on Luke, standing at a comedy club stage presumably, as he is taken on a large tangent after asking a question to the audience. Implied NSFW (mention of fetish). The dialogue shows up color coded (blue for luke, green for the main audience member responding who is a clown, and yellow for her daughter who responds very briefly) in the video. Transcript below under readmore for length. End ID]
Luke asks “Has anyone else also stumbled across, like, a weird fetish online before?”
Audience member, soon identified as a Clown, shouts out “Looners!”
Luke: “What’s that?” Clown: “They’re into balloons.”
Luke: “Ohhh, yes of course, like rubbing it, like-like the feel of that-”
Clown: “No-no-no, they sit on them, they offer a lot of money just to blow them up in front of them.”
Luke: “I hate blowing up balloons. (It) scares the shit out of me. (Audience laughs) Does that not fuckin’ terrify people, when you’re blowing it up and it’s getting big and you see it thinning, and you’re like, ‘that’s lost its colour, it’s gonna fucking go right in my face?’ Imagine that but like, it explodes (gestures in front of his face) and then so do you (gestures vaguely near his crotch). Do you know anyone who has it [the fetish] or just see it on the internet?”
Clown: “No no, I’m a, a clown for a living and I get lots of offers, every week.”
Luke: “Oh do you get asked to do it?”
Clown: “Yes, I do.”
Luke: “Oh my god. So, have you ever done it, for cash?”
Clown: “No but I (cracking up a little) pass it on to a friend of mine who does do it.”
Luke: “Ohhhhh. Do you get like a, referral kickback?”
Clown: “Do I get a bit of kickpack? Yes I do.”
Luke: “Oh you do! Fuck yes. That is awesome.”
Clown: “I’m sitting next to my daughter, so, sorry.”
Luke: “Oh you’re sitting- you’re sitting next to your daughter, she just found out her mum’s a clown pimp. (Laughing, camera cuts out a bit) Did she know that?”
Clown’s daughter yells back, beleaguered, “No I didn’t know!”
Luke: “Oh, that’s awesome. Fuck, were you a bit worried then when I asked ‘have you done it,’ you just like, looked at your mum like, ‘Don’t, even if you did, shut the fuck up or I’ll be on fuckin’ tiktok.’ (Takes a breath, camera cuts between angles again) Bein’ a clown’s very interesting, so d’you, are you a clown at a circus?”
Clown: “No, I’m a children’s entertainer, so I dress as a clown, and (trails off)”
Luke: “And at, hang on, is this how it goes, so at- at the party, I imagine it’s like a, a 5th birthday party, all the parents are standing around, you’re doing some balloon stuff, the classics (wobbles and gestures out) aw slipped right, I don’t know, right, I’m sure your act’s much better than that, then, the parents kind of watch from the back, and is it.. The afterwards bit, you know, a couple of beers flowing around the barbeque where like the uncle steps in and goes, (here Luke starts waving his body about a little to represent an uncle trying to be smooth as he steps up to the clown), ‘Do you do any uhh, extra work? You got a thing for those balloons, you made that little fuckin’ snake before, and umm, it reminded me of mine.’ Uhhhh! Is that how it goes??”
Clown, voice sounding of morbid laughter: “I wish you were fucking joking.”
Luke breaks up laughing fully and turns from the camera, slapping his leg. Right before the video cuts out he quips that “It’s always the fuckin’ uncle isn’t it!”
End Transcript]
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #sexuality and lack thereof #nsfw text #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #food #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #writing #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#X Files #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #food #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
The only way into my building is through the front door which locks itself when closed. There’s a back entrance but it’s deadbolted from the inside. This means the only people who can get into the building are me, my cat sitter with the spare keys, and the people living in the other two units.
The door to MY unit now… has no doorknob. Impossible to get in.
There is a shared BACK hallway that leads to the shared basement/back entrance. My back door into this hall is always deadbolted. EXCEPT, fortuitously, right now, since neighbor (Molly) in unit 2 had heard Patches meowing when alone and offered to spend some time with her, so I had the cat sitter unlock the bolt.
This, LUCKILY, means there is A Way into my unit. But it requires getting into the building, then going THROUGH my neighbors’ unit into the back hall, then up to my unit.
Cat sitter is effectively locked out from Patches, and won’t be able to get in if not fixed by the next day.
Text neighbor about predicament. They’re willing to look at my door bUT (it’s Christmas) they’re not home and not getting home until the next day.
Next day, text for an update but hear nothing. (Neighbors aren’t attached to their phones much). Communicate with catsitter saying “okay if I don’t hear back from neighbors, maybe you go over and I contact a locksmith who you can let in?” (since cat sitter has the keys to the building)
Catsitter is very not keen on the idea
Patches is unaware she’s a prisoner.
Hear back from neighbors. Say they should be home around 5pm.
Okay… Good Enough… (Patches graze-feeds so Luckily she hasn’t missed any meals but we’re going on 24 hours of house arrest Patches).
6pm comes. 7pm comes. 7:40pm I text asking for an update. Nothing.
8:30pm I’m figuring out what friends I can call to break into my own house. Text neighbor again and notice this text doesn’t go through.
Text neighbor’s partner being like “hey sorry, can’t seem to reach Molly–”. Get a text back “Sorry this is Molly on David’s phone! My phone died.” Family Christmas plans ran late but they’re on their way back and will be home soon. Thank goodness.
9pm-ish, they get back, give Patches attention and top up her food. I get a text “David fixed your door!” Woo!
Friday 5pm I finally get home
Lugging my suitcase up three flights of stairs while I hear Patches meowing like a dying Victorian child
Shoes off coat off suitcase down fish out keys unlock door grab doorknob
…Doorknob falls off
Falls off right into my hands
Staring at doorknob. Staring at door. Patches meowing. Shove doorknob against door like an idiot and no it does not go back on.
Fucking
Go down flight of stairs, knock on Molly and David’s door. David is luckily home. “My doorknob fell off again can I go home”
David lets me in. I scoot past their dogs and apparently I startled the more nervous one since she apparently tried to nip at me but I didn’t even notice because I’m like my cat.
Get in through the back hall.
Patches comes bounding over.
My cat.
Doesn’t even know she was a prisoner.
Doesn’t even know what a doorknob is.
Later that night receive a text from neighbor apologizing for the dog and I’m like “I Did Not Even Notice.”
Any attempt to leave my house now is perilous until I fix the doorknob.
Can’t even leave my door cracked open because I know Patches is gonna shove her stupid little face through it and become the opposite of a prisoner.
I wanna go buy a reeces peanut butter cup but by god it’s not worth the risk
You are completely right because I have now investigated the knob and can confirm the screw holding the knob to bar was loose. I have tightened the screw and it SEEMS fixed but I’m very Fool Me Once on this since my neighbor also thought they’d fixed it.
There is a Home Depot trip in my future. Or maybe an online purchase if Patches would get off my laptop
Complication. Doorknob is here and I tried to install it, but because my door is older than God, the latch-majig (technical term) is offset like an inch higher than the knob. Modern doorknob has the latch LEVEL with the knob.
To swap in the new knob I’d need to cut a new knob-hole an inch higher in the door which
With what tools
That would leave an unused gaping doorknob-sized hole in my door which any robber the size of a weasel or smaller will use to rob my home. I don’t need fucking Redwall in my home.
Probably bad for the integrity of the door
I don’t wanna.
I think what I really want is just the knob like above tags said. Like the knob and the rectangular bar, which I can substitute in for my stripped-bare knob and rectangle bar. I WOULD do this with the new knob, but it’s got two welded-on spokes poking out from the knob.
I can maybe drill two holes for the spokes in my door…?
(Squinting at shitty amazon listings trying to see if any knobs don’t have the two spokes)
(I think the two spokes might be standard.)
Developing new respect for Jesus (carpenter).
In the meantime, because I’d already unscrewed a lot of things I DID take the genius action of flipping my current doorknob around.
This way the side that causes problems is on the INSIDE.
Doorknob fall of while INSIDE house significantly better than doorknob fall off while OUTSIDE.
#storytime #domesticity #the more you know #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#turtles #adorable #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
got blood work done today and i just remembered a time i got blood work done as a teen. after the nurse drew like 6 vials of the stuff, i asked him “is all that mine?” and he said “not any more” and walked off
Tags:
#got a point there #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #fun with loopholes #overly literal interpretations #medical cw #blood #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Trying to find an old post we searched the word ‘blood’, which caused Tumblr to deploy a therapy bot that said it can’t provide qualified support and instead tried to put us in a groupchat with a bunch of other people who had searched for blood so we could work through our feelings
This really is the pdf of websites
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Tumblr: a User’s Guide #(sort of) #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
now that’s a lot. Dabbing unicorn Love Is Love Zipper US Flag.
The best part is that a lot of these are vertically oriented and they only have a left-facing flag background to edit it over, which results in a ton of the american flags being flown upside down, which is a symbol of distress.
Alright, so the crimes against vexillology are uncountable so we’re not going to count them. Instead I’m going to say that my first reaction to “American flag skull + autism” was to automatically parse all American flag skulls as the Sport Death flag and go “makes perfect sense, Senior House (RIP) had tons of autistic people”.
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #it got better #flags #home of the brave #juxtaposition #computer generated images #embarrassment squick? #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #war cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
so international space station astronauts apparently dropped a tool bag during a spacewalk. and if you look outside when the ISS is in your region, you can see it with binoculars
The tool bag is now orbiting our planet just ahead of the ISS with a visual magnitude of around 6, according to EarthSky. That means it is slightly less bright than the ice giant Uranus, the seventh planet from the sun. As a result, the bag — officially known as a crew lock bag — is slightly too dim to be visible to the unaided eye, but skywatchers should be able to pick it up with binoculars.
To see it for yourself, first find out when you can find spot the space station over the next few months (NASA even has a new app to help you). The bag should be floating two to four minutes ahead of the station. As it descends rapidly, the bag is likely to disintegrate when it reaches an altitude of around 70 miles (113 kilometers) over Earth.
everyone enjoy earth’s newest and silliest satellite while she lasts
Tags:
#(apparently it’s now more than four minutes‚ increasing with time) #(but still up there for the time being) #the more you know #space #the brightest star in our sky #embarrassment squick?
Brinens and Things 