A scientific study of probability in the D&D universe would reveal some pretty wild shit and I don’t know why more in-universe mathematicians and scientists aren’t talking about it “Yeah, it turns out that no matter what you attempt there’s a fixed probability of success and it’s some multiple of 5%, or in a few cases a fixed probability that’s as if it were the combination of two such probabilities, for instance for subjects of the spell Enhance Ability, any task that could conceivably result in failure seems to do so at least 5% of the time. You’ll laugh when I say this, but it’s almost as if the celestial beings that control the whims of fate are rolling, and I know how weird this sounds, twenty sided dice. Not real dice of course, they’re an analogy for some undoubtedly process we know nothing about”
the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
Also, look- a dragon can go fuck whatever it wants, right?
But how many of those planetars or giants or whatever are then gonna head off and compose a majestic and memorable canticle about how great that dragon was in the sack?
Today I had the revelation that my half orc has 30ft speed, but because she’s a monk, her unarmored movement is +10ft at Level 3. Using the ki feature Breath of the Wind, she can dash as a bonus action meaning she can go 80ft in a turn.
If anyone cast Haste on my dear sweet Marfu, she would go 160 in six seconds.
At her most perfect Level 20 self’s unarmored movement of +30, she could go a max 120ft in a turn, or 240ft hasted. With 20 ki points to spend that could mean a solid two minutes of going almost 30 miles per hour and I think that’s beautiful.
Grab yourself the mobile feat for that extra 10ft base movement
We’re up to a max of 210/420 (lol) feet per six seconds which is 47 MPH. I feel like we’re crowdsourcing this monk at this point to make her as game-breakingly fast as possible.
BETTER MAKE THAT 94MPH
I quote the 5th Edition rulebook:
Boots of Speed
While you wear these boots, you can use a Bonus Action and click the boots’ heels together. If you do, the boots double your walking speed, and any creature that makes an opportunity attack against you has disadvantage on the Attack roll. If you click your heels together again, you end the effect.
When the boots’ property has been used for a total of ten minutes, the magic ceases to function until you finish a Long Rest.
Are you telling me Haste and Boots of Speed STACK?! Oh my god we’ve discovered the real Fast Travel function
Oh shit mom’s home everyone hide the Speed
Tags:
#puns #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(the pun at the end) #D&D #fun with loopholes #my past self has good taste #may or may not have reblogged this before #(I think it might have been a different chain though) #drugs mention
What if the chest mimic came first and everyone just started hiding their belongings in things that resembled the dangerous, trapdoor-spider-like predator that nobody wants to go near, and thus the cycle of eco-evolutionary pressures began
there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D
homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon achilles’ player: *rolls a 1* homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend
Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do? Achilles’ player: I fight everyone. Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even– Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone. Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake. Achilles’ player: How many? Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies. Achilles’ player: I fight the river. Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river. Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*
Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—
Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.
Homer, the DM; “Ok seriously guys they’re not going to fall for the giant horse.”
Odysseus’ player; “I just rolled a nat 20 on my deception check.”
my favorite d&d thing is when someone flubs like a really obvious perception roll or something and the dm gets to be like, “well, you’re pretty sure you’re in a room but you could be wrong”
it is either really wet or really dry, you’re not entirely sure
One time a guy in our party rolled a nat 20 on a perception check, but there was nothing around he didnt already see, so the DM said “You’re not quite sure, but for a few seconds it seems like you’re standing on a giant’s table, surrounded by 5 Giants. Your party seems to look stiff and fake, and Large papers and Dice are strewn around you. Then, everything goes back to normal.”
I used to play 3.5, where Trapfinding was a rogue thing. Whenever our rogue flubbed a trapfinding roll, our DM would say, in a cheery voice, “You detect none of the traps!”
one time, my COMPLETELY non-magic using rogue rolled a nat 20 for arcana while checking out a magical sword and the dm was like “somehow… many years ago while robbing a house, you came across one very specific book about magic this one time and memorized it god knows why”
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
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