GOOD NEWS, FOLKS!! a few people have asked me for this and i finally got around to it. it’s not a chapter update, BUT: a chilliad character cheat sheet.
Tags:
#oh look an update #Iliad #fanfic #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
homer yawns, stretching his arms out and cracking the joints in his neck. he definitely has dry mouth, despite the fact that he’s been gulping down every glass of water that Ray Ban and Donut Mouth have brought him, and brushing his fingers against his watch indicates that it’s only been three hours. three.
jesus christ, he’s going to die in here.
he doesn’t know where anybody else is. the last thing he remembers from the party is calliope brushing her fingertips along his knuckles and saying your poems are really good. you should do a reading.
calliope muse thought that he, homer, should do a reading. of his poetry. that he wrote.
“maybe she wants to date you,” muses Donut Mouth. “that’s literally the only reason anyone would ever encourage anybody to do a poetry reading.”
“that or she was trying to get him to leave her alone, since there is literally nothing less sexy than a nineteen-year-old poet with the beginnings of a mullet,” Ray Ban says.
“please be kind to me,” says homer. “i’m trying to tell you a story.”
buying peaches is so stressful because you have to consume them so quickly…it’s like the moment the cashier types in that number the alpha peach turns to its brothers in the bags and says “alright listen up boys, it’s time to remember your training. i want to see immense bruising by sundown. i want to see you near inedible by sunrise. remember it is better to die a free man than to be eaten.” you gotta wolf down all of your peaches at the check out counter while the trader joe’s employees eagerly look at the Peach Consumption Countdown Clock and cheer you on. these peaches have sensors on them that can tell when they come into contact with human hands so they can begin their self-destruct sequence like you’re in a spy movie and the peach just relayed a message to you about the whereabouts of jimmy hoffa’s decayed remains
this response carries so much chaotic cursed energy. jimmy hoffa was declared dead in 1982 after disappearing in 1975. he was born in 1913, meaning he would be the miraculous age of 105 today if he wasn’t dead. “likely dead.” the fact that it’s a hetalia blog trying to tell me that he is likely dead. the fact that i specifically mention his decayed corpse in my post so there is literally no reason for someone to alert me that he is “likely” deceased. the fact that this hetalia blog is trying to tell this to me, a person who up until recently literally worked for the international brotherhood of teamsters as a person in charge of handling their historical records. i spent two years of my life answering phone calls from people asking me if i personally knew what happened to jimmy hoffa’s body. ive spent a significantly longer amount of time trying to forget that hetalia exists. my entire career as a hetalia facebook roleplayer at the age of 11 just flashed through my eyes. i legitimately cannot express how much this response has effected me. ive been staring at it for 7 minutes. i feel like ive entered the twilight zone
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #food #(OP is mostly not a relatable feel?) #(I had that happen *once* with peaches from the farmer’s market) #(but usually supermarket peaches last weeks if you keep them refrigerated) #death tw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #unreality cw? #amnesia cw?
it’s really a beautiful moment when it clicks and you suddenly realize you know what like half the members of the alt-right shamefully jerk off to
“free use… cuckold porn… noncon… racist cuckold porn… ooh, that’s a forced fem type, haven’t seen one of those in a while”
friends, romans, countrymen, embrace your fucked-up sexual fantasies and stop sublimating it into questionable political ideologies
take: okay, but now i want to know what questionable political ideologists the looners and foot fetishists and inflat
double-take: oh. never mind, on second thoughts i believe that with the help of some background reading on economic policy, i can figure out for myself what political ideology repressed inflation kinksters sublimate their thing into
third thoughts: now i’m sorting through every australian poltician by inferred kink, and i do not know how to handle this new insight (apart from “using appropriate sanitary methods”)
Tags:
#sexuality and lack thereof #politics cw #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #I *would* say ”ask game: infer my kinks from my politics” #but if anything I’m more open about my kinks here than I am my politics
“It was acceptable. I understand he was irritated by my precise recitation of the length of time since we had seen each other, during the small talk phase.”
“Hmm. You might try being less precise? Or suggest some uncertainty in your estimation? Like, ‘Five years, more or less,’ that sort of thing?”
“I have attempted such artifice in the past, yes, with Captain Jackson of the USS Ranger.”
“Was that any good?”
“It took me three days to convince them that I was not an impostor and that I should be released from the brig.”
Send him to the brig, he didn’t say how many minutes they locked him up.
Tags:
#oh look an update #Star Trek #DS9 #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
harry potter 1: this cat is actually a teacher at hogwarts. solid beginning, pretty good work here. 7/10.
harry potter 2: this tree is actually a monster that’ll destroy your car, and this book is actually uhhhh a teenage boy’s ghost, but no animals. disappointing. 3/10.
harry potter 3: this evil dog is actually a man and your godfather. this large wolf is your year 9 teacher. that deer is your spirit from the future/past due to a time travel loop. your best friend’s pet is a war criminal. this is where we completely and totally peaked, folks. 11/10.
harry potter 4: this cup is actually a portkey and this man is actually a completely different man. the original man is locked in a trunk. nobody is a cat BUT rita skeeter is a beetle, and now she lives in a jar. 6/10
harry potter 5: uncertain how much tonks can become an animal, but even if she did it would just make her a furry, so 0/10.
harry potter 6: harry was far too busy being obsessed with draco this book to do anything else. harry wouldn’t have noticed if hedwig was actually morrissey. unrateable.
harry potter 7: in a horrifying twist of events, we have a person revealed to actually be an animal as Bathilda Bagshot turns out to be a giant fucking snake in a human costume. Who let that happen? Who cleared that? I need names and answers. -2/10
post-books information about nagini: no. -10/10
+1 for book 4, you forgot that Malfoy was briefly a ferret
i’m a fraud and a fool. harry potter 4: both a beetle AND a ferret. 8/10
Tags:
#Harry Potter #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what
“It was acceptable. I understand he was irritated by my precise recitation of the length of time since we had seen each other, during the small talk phase.”
“Hmm. You might try being less precise? Or suggest some uncertainty in your estimation? Like, ‘Five years, more or less,’ that sort of thing?”
“I have attempted such artifice in the past, yes, with Captain Jackson of the USS Ranger.”
“Was that any good?”
“It took me three days to convince them that I was not an impostor and that I should be released from the brig.”
Tags:
#Star Trek #DS9 #fanfic #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog
if u make clark kent say soda you are grossly mischaracterizing him and i wont stand for it
the real reason no one thinks clark is superman is bc they’re all east coasters who constantly mock clark’s usage of “pop” so they never connect mr. “soda” superman to mr. clark “pop” kent
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(I moved from the East Coast to the Great Lakes) #(and often I will say pop just to keep people from giving me That Look) #(you can’t just say ”soda” without it being a Statement) #(and I’m not here to make Statements I’m just trying to ring up your food) #our home and cherished land #food #in which Brin has a job #Superman
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #high context jokes #(in addition to the backslash thing adzolotl was also just talking about the Crusades) #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what
Brinens and Things 