Like, what if his name just happens to be Montgomery Scott, so all of his friends started calling him “Scotty,” and then every time he was introduced to a new person, they would be like “Oh, are you Scottish? My uncle was Scottish!”
And finally, he just gets sick of explaining the situation, so he starts replying with “aye, laddie!” But then it turns out that the person he said that to was Captain Kirk, and he doesn’t want to admit that he lied to his new commanding officer, so he has to keep speaking in a ridiculously over-the-top brogue and commenting constantly on how much he loves drinking Scotch, and by the time that he realises that Kirk would have found humour in the situation, he’s in too deep and can’t stop pretending, and it gradually just becomes his normal speech pattern.
Then, years later, the Enterprise is being inspected by a Starfleet engineer who’s actually Scottish, and Scotty takes him on a walking tour of his warp engines and is all like “Auch! Here be me wee bairns!” and the other engineer is just like “what the fuck is wrong with you?”
I take the fact that James Doohan is Canadian as evidence of this theory.
Scotty hacking into his Starfleet personnel file to alter his place of birth.
Scotty soundproofing his quarters on the Enterprise so that no one can hear him teach himself to play the bagpipes from instructional videos.
Scotty making a great show of taking a shuttle down to Aberdeen to “visit his family” every time the Enterprise is in Earth orbit and then, once on the ground, discreetly site-to-site transporting himself to Vancouver or whatever.
None of these things are out of character or beyond his technical ability.
Yeah, but also in character: Jim Kirk has known since Day 1 that Scotty is not, in fact, Scottish, but is just sitting there waiting to see how far Scotty is willing to go to keep the story going. It started out as an “enough rope” situation but now it’s one of Jim’s greatest ongoing sources of entertainment and he wouldn’t admit at gunpoint that he knows.
Frankly, as someone who’s paternal side is all Scottish, I simply can’t see any Scottish person not seeing this situation and running with it.
Next thing Scotty knows, half of Scottish Starfleet is claiming to be his brother’s sister-in-law’s half cousin twice removed and the Loch Ness Monster has been painted on the door to his quarters.
Kirk is busy dying of laughter.
Tags:
#Star Trek #TOS #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #embarrassment squick? #headcanons #may or may not have reblogged this before #(but the thread was shorter last time I saw it)
Thank you for this, the truest and most accurate comic evet made.
Tags:
#Game of Thrones #A Song of Ice and Fire #comic #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #(I’ve never watched it myself but this amuses me nonetheless)
We’re doing Postmodernism is Sociology, and the teacher was talking about ‘language games’— language that is so specialised that unless you’re part of a specific group it’s totally incomprehensible.
And, as an example, he gave us this monstrosity:
And, what’s even worse— I fucking UNDERSTOOD IT. I had to EXPLAIN this to my fucking sociology class.
This is why we should never have let the millenials become teachers.
Tags:
#oh my god #language #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #I cannot believe I actually understand this
#storytime #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #(I’m not saying I *believe* this but it *is* funny) #((it’s times like these I’m glad my tagging system does not make a distinction between non-fiction and origfic))
(from “the secret life of bletchley park” by sinclair mckay)
Tags:
#history #World War II #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #fun with loopholes #(…does that loophole actually work though?) #(just because you don’t *understand* something doesn’t mean it’s not *true*)
i like how writing realistic worlds and characters is so important for so many writers to the point where they agonize over it. meanwhile lemony snicket was just like “death to reality. im gonna write this whole ass series and with god as my witness, absolutely fucking NOBODY is gonna act like a person.”
Daniel Handler, after downing whatever the hell he was on: The baby has piranha teeth and can take a trained swordswoman in a fight.
All of us: Fucking genius.
readers: what time and place is this set in? Daniel Handler: Yes.
(While this is funny, also I do wonder what reading A Series of Unfortunate Events as a young impressionable child may have done to me?)
((other than a suspicion of eye doctors, I mean [link]))
(Kid!me took everything seriously. Like, I understood the concept of fiction–at least with books; lack of exposure to fictional songs meant I didn’t really understand that songs could be fictional until around early-mid teens–and to *some* extent (but only some [link]) I had a sense of humour, but I wouldn’t have known absurdity if it bit me. And indeed, I did not notice as a child how absurd A Series of Unfortunate Events was.)
Tags:
#A Series of Unfortunate Events #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #my childhood #if there’s nothing out there‚ what was that noise?
Harry, Hermione, and Ron are killed early in their search for Horcruxes. Voldemort orders a full invasion of Hogwarts to find the remaining ones. In a panic, Hogwarts is evacuated. One student slept through the evacuation order: 4th year American transfer student Kevin McCallister.
That is part of why….I hate it……bc I genuinely to the core of my being believe that Macaulay Culkin could probably have finished Voldemort faster than the golden trio & Dumbledore combined…………this kid could play a fake recording of Dumbledore saying “Merry Christmas ya filthy animal” with the sound of spells being fired off from the Room of Requirement and Tom Riddle would be tf out of there so fast & slip on a Portable Swamp and fall down a changing staircase…………..
OK but what if the final battle was like this instead.
Like.
The Hogwarts students have spent the entire year peripheral to a war zone, with some of the enemy already present and actively tormenting and then hunting them. They have some idea that Hogwarts might be invaded by Voldemort at some point in time.
As part of their ongoing campaign of defiance of all things pureblood-supremacist and to keep up morale, they have a series of movie nights wherein they get everybody together and watch Muggle films on a TV that they’ve gotten Flitwick to charm into working at Hogwarts.
One of these films was Home Alone.
It was such a hit that they watched the other movies in the series.
And somebody, some little first year who’d been Crucio’d six times that month, raises her hand and suggests, “what if when HE came, we were prepared like Kevin was?”
And they spend the next four months booby-trapping every single inch of the castle.
People use the DA galleons to communicate, and the graduates provide supplies and research and high-level spellwork. Fred and George turn their joke shop’s entire production output to the purpose. Muggleborns, despite being on the run from the now-corrupt Ministry, buy technology like video cameras, remote controls, computers, and Muggle explosives, and research every method of sabotage, petty revenge, and dirty trickery they can think of.
When the evacuation order comes, the younger students retreat to the Hog’s Head with their arms full of screens and remotes and VR headsets, each with their assignment of an area to watch and a set of traps to deploy.
The first casualty, as it were, is Severus Snape, who takes a swung paint can to the side of the head and spends the first half hour of the war locked in a disused classroom, before he can do more than demand Harry Potter’s whereabouts from Minerva McGonagall.
When Voldemort arrives with his Death Eaters, giants, werewolves, and assorted other lackeys in tow, and demands Harry Potter, the answer–from Neville Longbottom–is “If you want him, come and get him, you snake-fucking arsehole.”
Minerva has to turn a laugh into a hacking cough, and surrepticiously awards ten points to Gryffindor when nobody’s paying attention.
When Voldemort strides up to the doorway, the lawn collapses and he finds himself chest-deep in a Portable Swamp.
Ginny Weasley, responsible for the first line of defense at her own request, is downright gleeful as she activates the hundreds of freezing charms the students had added to it, and he and several Death Eaters find themselves temporarily stuck in the ice.
Everything is brought to bear. Electricity, zapping some Death Eaters. Tar and feathers, turning some werewolves into a sticky mess. Maple-syrup balloons, hidden in nets suspended from the ceilings. Legos and D4 dice, scattered across the ground after a set of permanent sticking charms that attach the attackers’ boot soles to the floor.
Some traps are magical in nature. The suits of armor, charmed to attack, and both sides of the giant magical chess set that used to guard the Sorcerer’s Stone. Others are purely mundane: tripwires that drop trapdoors full of stones, rotten pumpkins, and metal shavings on the heads of unsuspecting giants. Still more are a spectacular mix: hand grenades that bounce down stairways before exploding at the touch of a button from some second-year in the Hog’s Head.
Hogwarts’ defenders throw spells, gunfire, and molotov cocktails at the enemy, and whenever a Death Eater aims a spell at someone, a trap is sprung upon them by a watchful younger student.
When Voldemort retreats, his robes tattered and dripping with substances he can’t name and his follower count cut in half, there are no deaths among the other side.
He delivers his ultimatum anyway.
Snape, at this point, has awoken and escaped by the simple means of opening a window and flying next door; he tracks down Harry by listening to students talk, and heads to the room of requirement, dodging two or three traps (impressed despite himself) until one of the watchers contacts Harry via radio and Harry says to let the bastard at him.
What the two talk about, only they know. Hermione and Ron grab the diadem while watching them dubiously, and Snape offers to call up Fiendfire to destroy it. This perhaps proves something to Harry, who accompanies Snape to the Headmaster’s office despite Hermione’s and Ron’s, and then Minerva’s, protests.
When they are done, Harry Potter walks out the front door of Hogwarts and duels Voldemort, who starts on the count of two and kills him.
Shock, then hundreds of protests of cheating, and when Voldemort starts to gloat the chants of “CHEATER! CHEATER!” drown him out. He tries to say that it’s irrevelant; Harry Potter is dead, but is heckled in the form of thrown objects. From the shadows, Snape flings the shattered, scorched remnants of the diadem, the cup, and Nagini’s severed head. Voldemort catches the first, and shock paralyzes him long enough to get beaned in the head with the second; his shriek of rage is cut short when the third bounces right off his face.
(The Sorting Hat, begging anyone who will listen to put it on, was listened to by Snape. Being hit on the head a second time did his oncoming headache no favors, but the Sword of Gryffindor appears for bravery, and on his way down, meeting Nagini trapped in something resembling a magical tar pit, he does with the sword what the sword is for.)
There is laughter, and then that laughter becomes a roaring, thundering cheer when Harry Potter stands back up and taps Voldemort on the shoulder. Voldemort turns, and is knocked flat to the ground by a devastating punch that held every bit of misery Harry’s been through in his whole life thanks to Voldemort’s work.
Then when he gets up, Harry makes his request that Voldemort try for some regret. The Elder Wand does its thing. Voldemort falls, never to rise again.
Death Eaters escape, only to find out that some of those traps were full of pigment visible under ultraviolet light, and it is very easy for Aurors to figure out who was present at the attack.
The cleanup is a trial and a half, but the story is told for centuries.
Tags:
#Harry Potter #Home Alone #fanfic #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #death tw
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