Me, on the welcome desk in the library: Good morning, how are you today?
Customer: I have welcomed Jesus into my heart and so I am well today and every day.
Me, a little unnerved: Okay then! Is there something I can help you with?
Customer, digging around in his bag and pulling out an iPhone in a box: Unfortunately, Jesus can’t help me with this fucking phone, so I came to the library.
The Library!
For When Not Even God Can Help You!
Tags:
#Christianity #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Results! Turns out there’s a free site called OpenGuessr that’s just the classic gamemode we all know and love, but you can just play it for free like normal.
#the nature of humanity is just that every so often someone accidentally invents Find the Airport again #(or possibly on purpose) #GeoGuessr #disappointed permanent resident of The Future #(people in the notes are saying Google was charging them shitloads of money for all the Street View use and they had to recoup it somehow) #(however that does not explain why anyone would want Unique Skins) #games #cows #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
I have a friend who, like me, does not have “heart feels” when cooking. We need measurements. We need exact replicable steps. Cooking should be more like baking where if I follow instructions precisely I’ll have the same meal each time.
So when he asked his mom for her recipes he was vexed to find that she’d say one thing but use a lot more or less than the spice she’d said. Her approximated recipes were much less vibrant that the real food she made.
His solution: he weighed her spices before and after the meal while noting all the steps she took. Finally. A recipe that was true.
Tags:
#oh my god #that’s brilliant #fun with loopholes #food #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
the scariest thing in the world is probably whatever’s going on in the tiny gap between my kitchen counters and the oven
Tags:
#well #uh #the good news is that the mice ate all the popcorn that had fallen back there #there are no more crumbs! #the bad news is there may or may not be mouse poop back there now #(it looks like we’ve managed to kill all the mice‚ at least) #((the sentinel piece of popcorn I deliberately left on the floor a couple of days ago has not vanished)) #(*knocks on wood*) #domesticity #relatable #unsanitary cw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
I, of mostly sound body and spirit, request that if I’m ever to die, someone post a new work on my AO3 that says “sorry, she died, ongoing stories postponed forever” because don’t I want my fanfic buddies to think I ghosted them. Amen or whatever you say in a will.
This was written as a joke, but for those who don’t know, this is an actual optional service that AO3 provides called Fannish Next of Kin.
Tags:
#AO3 #the more you know #death tw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#oh my god #art #comics #fun with loopholes #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Your throwing knife embeds itself in the wall behind the wizard’s head, and he pulls a gun. Too late to get out of sight, he pulls the trigger, and you pray that it hurts.
You pray there’s blood. That you need healing soon, that you’ll be weak in that arm for months.
Because the alternative is so much worse. The last thing you want to happen when you go up against an artificer is that they shoot you with bullets that don’t hurt. That means they have a gun that shoots something besides pain and death. Something worse.
You collect all the clues you can once the battle is over, the wizard breaking a pendant of escape and warping out of the continent. Various blueprints written in eldrich runes that hurt your mundane eyes to even look at, books that whisper in the night, prototypes labeled ominous things you worry about.
You make it back home, mission partially successful, fearful that the townspeople might attack you on sight. Worried that your loved ones might not remember you. You visit another, friendlier wizard, to have them examine your collected evidence. They pour over the items, getting excited about new branches of science, magic, and magical science. You angrily cut them off, saying you’re not here for their PhD thesis, just tell you what that fucking gun did?
The light goes out of their eyes, but they pull up a final blueprint. Says here it’s the Gun of Cold. Odd, you reply. It didn’t feel cold when they shot you with it. You sneeze.
They offer you a handkerchief. No, not that kind of cold. Simon in the village makes some good chicken soup. You’ll need it, magic can’t cure this you know, but you’ll be better in a week or two.
Tags:
#One Hundred and One Magical Pistols #storytime #guns #illness tw #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Someday Chocolate Guy is gonna make a working time machine out of chocolate and we’ll just be like. Of course. Of fucking course. It’s the fucking chocolate guy, what did we expect.
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#it’s time once again for Stories Told Through Memes #Wisemind #storytime #I didn’t actually laugh aloud but it still amused me enough to reblog #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
You’re just not ready. At no point in this video when he says the next thing are you ready.
original transcription by @psychopompsglomps but edited by me for small corrections
[Video ID: TikTok video from user luke.kidgell, a stand-up comedian, two and a half minutes in length. The video is entirely trained on Luke, standing at a comedy club stage presumably, as he is taken on a large tangent after asking a question to the audience. Implied NSFW (mention of fetish). The dialogue shows up color coded (blue for luke, green for the main audience member responding who is a clown, and yellow for her daughter who responds very briefly) in the video. Transcript below under readmore for length. End ID]
Luke asks “Has anyone else also stumbled across, like, a weird fetish online before?”
Audience member, soon identified as a Clown, shouts out “Looners!”
Luke: “What’s that?” Clown: “They’re into balloons.”
Luke: “Ohhh, yes of course, like rubbing it, like-like the feel of that-”
Clown: “No-no-no, they sit on them, they offer a lot of money just to blow them up in front of them.”
Luke: “I hate blowing up balloons. (It) scares the shit out of me. (Audience laughs) Does that not fuckin’ terrify people, when you’re blowing it up and it’s getting big and you see it thinning, and you’re like, ‘that’s lost its colour, it’s gonna fucking go right in my face?’ Imagine that but like, it explodes (gestures in front of his face) and then so do you (gestures vaguely near his crotch). Do you know anyone who has it [the fetish] or just see it on the internet?”
Clown: “No no, I’m a, a clown for a living and I get lots of offers, every week.”
Luke: “Oh do you get asked to do it?”
Clown: “Yes, I do.”
Luke: “Oh my god. So, have you ever done it, for cash?”
Clown: “No but I (cracking up a little) pass it on to a friend of mine who does do it.”
Luke: “Ohhhhh. Do you get like a, referral kickback?”
Clown: “Do I get a bit of kickpack? Yes I do.”
Luke: “Oh you do! Fuck yes. That is awesome.”
Clown: “I’m sitting next to my daughter, so, sorry.”
Luke: “Oh you’re sitting- you’re sitting next to your daughter, she just found out her mum’s a clown pimp. (Laughing, camera cuts out a bit) Did she know that?”
Clown’s daughter yells back, beleaguered, “No I didn’t know!”
Luke: “Oh, that’s awesome. Fuck, were you a bit worried then when I asked ‘have you done it,’ you just like, looked at your mum like, ‘Don’t, even if you did, shut the fuck up or I’ll be on fuckin’ tiktok.’ (Takes a breath, camera cuts between angles again) Bein’ a clown’s very interesting, so d’you, are you a clown at a circus?”
Clown: “No, I’m a children’s entertainer, so I dress as a clown, and (trails off)”
Luke: “And at, hang on, is this how it goes, so at- at the party, I imagine it’s like a, a 5th birthday party, all the parents are standing around, you’re doing some balloon stuff, the classics (wobbles and gestures out) aw slipped right, I don’t know, right, I’m sure your act’s much better than that, then, the parents kind of watch from the back, and is it.. The afterwards bit, you know, a couple of beers flowing around the barbeque where like the uncle steps in and goes, (here Luke starts waving his body about a little to represent an uncle trying to be smooth as he steps up to the clown), ‘Do you do any uhh, extra work? You got a thing for those balloons, you made that little fuckin’ snake before, and umm, it reminded me of mine.’ Uhhhh! Is that how it goes??”
Clown, voice sounding of morbid laughter: “I wish you were fucking joking.”
Luke breaks up laughing fully and turns from the camera, slapping his leg. Right before the video cuts out he quips that “It’s always the fuckin’ uncle isn’t it!”
End Transcript]
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #sexuality and lack thereof #nsfw text #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Brinens and Things 